"We don't do dinner and drinks"

[Erik13 157]

So a couple we've been chatting with just said they don't do the dinner and drinks thing because it's awkward. And they want us to host.

Huge red flag, right? Do they really think we're going to give out our address without even meeting first?

[njbm 2,880]

Ridiculous! We are moderately experienced in the lifestyle and we want a vanilla meeting for dinner and drinks first. Yes, we generally know if we would play with a couple within 5-15 minutes. Yes, we have a non-verbal signal between ourselves to say whether we'd play or not. But we just want to meet with no pressure and go home and privately discuss whether we want play. One of us may have noticed something the other did not. If the other couple is so dead set to play the first time we meet, maybe they are not for us. It's not a hard and fast rule, especially if we meet at an event or resort, but it generally works for us.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Huge red flag, right? . . .

Yes, right.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I would offer to meet them at a club or meet and greet.

[Alura 2,774]

My late wife and I used to meet couples for the first time in the afternoon at the coffee shop in a local book store. It offered a non-threatening atmosphere and an easy exit for both couples, if needed.

 

If the meeting was not a good one, we could buy a couple of books to ease the boredom.

[Guest]

For me Alura hit the nail on the head.

 

I'd not choose to do drinks / dinner on social meeting.

 

I made that mistake once before and can remember some years ago we arranged to meet another couple for a nice meals and drinks to see if we got along, we dressed up nice, picked and nice restaurant, and within about 5 minutes of arriving I think we could all tell it wasn't going to work out at all, they just wasn't for us in the slightest, we actually wanted to leave within 5 minutes of arriving but instead we had to endure 2 hours of a social meet that we already knew we didn't want too pursue at all.

 

In the end it just ended up been an expensive tiring night and I also noticed people seemed to feel uncomfortable eating in front of total strangers. I think by the time we had finished the meal everyone's plates were still half full, we were to busy talking / listening / asking questions to actually finish our meals.

 

I think that was perhaps 80% of the problem, that basically we wanted to leave, if we could we would have simply made our excuses and left, but sadly we had already ordered food which turned out to be a waste of money as no one really ate their meals properly.

 

From that point I never asked anyone to meet for a meal again, instead like Alura has suggested I ask them to meet for a coffee, because a coffee can take a few minutes to drink or you can order 2 or 3 drinks and sit there 2 hours it all depends how well you get along, like Alura said it provides an "Easy Exit" for everyone involved.

 

If you meet someone and have played with them a handful of times and you really get along with them then sure go for a meal.

 

 

For a first meeting / social meeting I'd suggest a coffee.

 

I have encountered this situation before where people want to come round to your house and fuck without even introducing themselves and with no social meet at all, personally I see it as dangerous and would guess there is a sex crazed man sitting behind the PC screen who actually doesn't care one bit who he fucks

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

 

We have been to our fair share of dinners with people who it wasn't going to work with, but we can always find enough in common and to talk about to last the hourish it takes. Even the bad nights we still went out for a nice dinner with our SO. It's a very cheap price to pay to see if there is a connection and SAVES time that so many couples waste with texting and emails for weeks only to finally meet and *poof* nothing.

 

We don't give out our address until we have met several times and feel that we want to welcome them into our personal space.

[Erik13 157]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have encountered this situation before where people want to come round to your house and fuck without even introducing themselves and with no social meet at all, personally I see it as dangerous and would guess there is a sex crazed man sitting behind the PC screen who actually doesn't care one bit who he fucks

I think this is what they're after...just come to the house and fuck. We're looking for friendships also. Thanks for all the advice...I won't be replying to them.

[njbm 2,880]

There are all kinds of swingers. Wham bammers is what you had. Some are one and done. We like the friend route. We are starting to find that we are becoming vanilla friends with some of our swing partners and leaving the playing behind.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We call it quality and quantity. Quantity are one and done, wham bam goodbye. Quality is usually a FWB situation. Nothing wrong with either camp, it just may not be the camp you have your tent set up in.

[Guest]

I think this is what they're after...just come to the house and fuck. We're looking for friendships also. Thanks for all the advice...I won't be replying to them.

 

You sound a little like us, we are also seeking fun AND some general friendship as well, but sadly fun and friendship don't always seem to mix.

 

Its actually one of the things that does put me off this lifestyle, but basically when searching for swinging partners not that many people are bothered about friendship at all. Yes, yes there are people out there who have made good friends from this lifestyle (I'm not saying its impossible) but in my experience the vast majority of people say "Fun & Friendship" when really they just mean someone to fuck so they can try out their fantasies or get some sneaky sex behind their partners backs.

 

What I have discovered during my time is.....

 

You seriously, seriously have to limit your expectations on what type of friendship you are looking for.

 

What I have found is that:

 

SINGLE MEN: Basically are not interested in "Friendship" at all. They do not come to my house to chat, they do not come to my house to watch films, eat food, have BBQ's, they do not call me for friendly advice, they don't invite us to social gatherings, in the the only reason they turn up is because they want to stick their dick into my girlfriend.

 

COUPLES: Well some couples perhaps do want friendship but in my experience that friendship could hardly be called a friendship, in fact a lot of couples much prefer to keep their swinging life totally separate from their normal everyday lives. Putting it blunt they want to meet YOU to fuck, and their other friends to hang around with, chat, eat, have nights out ect. I think a lot of couples simply don't have the time for some big friendship, that they are busy with their lives, busy working, busy tidying their homes and everything else we face in modern day life. However I also think a lot of couples are also bound by ythe rules or desires of their own relaitonship and partner, for example after much talking a wife might agree to sleep with another couple but often that doesn't mean she wants them round for tea or social events, that it could create to much paranoia, so it seems a lot of couples want fuck buddies but also want to keep them at arms length, the naughty once a month secret kind of thing.

 

WOMEN: I must admit if your looking for a fun longer lasting friendship then in my experience a nice single women can offer that much better than men or couples. In my experience women seem a little bit better at mixing both friendship and sex. For example a lot of guys freak out with the concept of mixing both friendship and sex, its not the usual concept to their mind, we are either fucking, or were just friends, mixing both can be difficult but in my experience a single women does seem to offer the best friendship levels. In my experience a single women will be happy to come over for dinner, happy to come over for a film night, happy to go out for a day trip, but sadly single women who would agree to this aren't that easy to find and generally don't stay single long. I also find you have to invest a lot of time and effort into a friendship with a women to keep her interested.

 

 

In most cases if your looking for friendship then about the best you can expect is a few hours chatting before sex together

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

You sound a little like us, we are also seeking fun AND some general friendship as well, but sadly fun and friendship don't always seem to mix.

 

Your experiences (and gas mileage) may vary. We've been seeing our FWB for going on 4 years. Sometimes we play, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we go to concerts together, or vacation, or wine tasting, or boating, or just spend time talking. We have always said that we wanted to be friends first and then the benefits would come afterwards and that's still how we roll. There is ALMOST NOTHING better than being about to spend time with friends and know that you can talk about anything (especially sex) and not just undress them with your eyes ('almost nothing' since having a partner that is on board with all of this IS better). In fact, it has made spending time with 'just friends' a bit less exciting knowing that we need to be careful of some of the things we say and that casual touching may not be as welcomed. The lines can become blurry at times and we do occasionally mix our FWB with our friends...they are both friends first.

 

We're sorry that you haven't found another couple that you completely 'click' with. Keep looking and while it isn't easy to find, it IS possible. It is also really amazing when it happens.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

So a couple we've been chatting with just said they don't do the dinner and drinks thing because it's awkward. And they want us to host.

Huge red flag, right? Do they really think we're going to give out our address without even meeting first?

 

Yes. I think that IS kind of odd. They might just want to get down to business but I/we prefer some time to get to know them first in a nonsexual way. They might have limited time or resources.

 

Host where? In a motel/hotel? NO WAY in your house!

[njbm 2,880]

I have to feel a connection or an appeal before I get busy. Some people must be pure sex machines.

[BobGann 40]

I would agree that just drinks or coffee is a lot easier, a dinner can be a loooong time with people there is no obvious connection with. Nobody should feel rushed or put out by the lifestyle. I'm sure you have plenty of opportunities with people who will proceed at your pace, and isn't just looking for a place to party because they have kids and can't host and can't afford a hotel........

[angelkin 1,326]

We do drinks and appetizers. 45 minutes and goodbye if we are not interested...that's how we roll. Invite you over to play without a vanilla meet - no way.

[kcjones 59]

We don't do dinners/blind dates either but we wouldn't post it on a profile, or tell it to a prospective couple. Red flags would go up for us too. Out of curiosity, I wouldn't be able to help myself from asking them to explain the comment though. We simply agree to meet at clubs, although a Starbucks date sounds brilliant. I love what Sun&Moon posted. I think time & discretion plays a huge role in relationships in the lifestyle. I simply have a hard time seeing us bringing play partners to a family event, and still keeping our sexlife on the DL.

[Erik13 157]

We don't do dinners/blind dates either but we wouldn't post it on a profile, or tell it to a prospective couple. Red flags would go up for us too. Out of curiosity, I wouldn't be able to help myself from asking them to explain the comment though. We simply agree to meet at clubs, although a Starbucks date sounds brilliant. I love what Sun&Moon posted. I think time & discretion plays a huge role in relationships in the lifestyle. I simply have a hard time seeing us bringing play partners to a family event, and still keeping our sexlife on the DL.

The club idea is good, but it's an hour away and a $30 cover. I'm not asking for a three hour dinner with people, just a couple drinks. We can tell in 5 minutes if it's a yes or no.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

You will learn more in 5 minutes in person than a lifetime of texts and emails. An hour or so for dinner or drinks is (IOHO) is worth the investment. If things aren't going well, one of us will ask the other if they did something before we left. 'Oops, I forgot to do that...sorry we need to go take care of [fill in the blank]'.

[njbm 2,880]

I am all in favor of meeting in person. What's the harm? I love when people our age, height, weight, sexual orientation and experience level shoot back an instant response that we're not a match. You never met us, how would you know!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

That's another reason to meet. Photos do not capture a persons personality. I've always said that sexy is something that women radiate from inside and have nothing to do with looks. Photos do not capture that either. More than once has a couple that we thought 'ehh' about in pictures have turned out to be 'Oh YEA' in person. Since there is usually no harm, and even in a worst case scenario (and we have had a couple of those) you spend a night out with your SO and have a story to tell the next couple you meet. Take a chance, you never know what you may find.

[MarniJohn 172]

I totally agree with the need to actually meet a couple ahead of time because you really don't know who you are dealing with.

 

That being said, when couples offer "private parties" on SDC (or any other sites) and choose people solely based on their profiles, is that safer? These people are, after all, total strangers as well. I'm talking about from a safety standpoint. You are inviting total strangers into your home...