Do you think swinging would help?

[AZMan69 15]

Hi All,

 

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. This is my second marriage. My first marriage ended with my first wife cheating on me. My ex did this specifically when she travelled. Consequently, I have serious anxiety with my current wife traveling. My wife was a stay at home mom when we got married, so there really was no indication of a need to travel. Now she has a new job where she travels a little bit. Conferences, meetings, dinners, etc.

 

I'm no idiot in regard to what goes on with business travel. Most of the coworkers I encountered (especially women; appeared due to ability) fucked around on business travel.

 

I see some similar things going on now with my current wife and ex. Loss of interest in sex, lack of excitement, etc. needless to say I have concerns with the travel. So I had a really strange idea. I thought if you can't beat them, then why not join them.

 

I mean, I can just go into this knowing she's probably getting plowed as I might be too while she's gone. I was thinking maybe I would try and talk her into swinging. We could start out doing same room type of stuff with couples. Then from there I'll bet she would just sign off on me going to play with couples with permission while she's traveling. We can then exchange stories.

 

Again, it's just an idea. I don't want to be a chump, and I don't want her to get emotionally attached to some guy. Does anyone on here see that this helped their situation? I've done plenty of research, and believe if we get to the point where we both have sex as a couple then were good from there. I look forward to your responses.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think you should start by talking with your wife about your concerns with the present situation of your sex life and your past experience with your ex and travel. See if you can improve things with the two of you and get reassurances of her fidelity when she's away.

 

Once things are on more solid ground you might talk about swinging together.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Swinging requires trust and it sounds like you have a 'trust' issue. Talk to her.

[Guest]

You seem very confused. The thought of your wife “messing around” causes you anxiety. Any idea that if you were messing around too, either with her permission or not, would make it ok is probably very incorrect. If the thought of her messing around doesn’t in the least bit sexually excite you on any level whatsoever, then her playing with your permission isn’t going to make it any better. Fix your current relationship issues before you propose changing the nature of your relationship.

[Guest 2B13RFUN]

Not at all. It would only exacerbate your fear and anxiety.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

It has been said on these forums many times - swinging and cheating are polar opposites. Swinging is about honesty, trust, communication and sharing. Cheating is about lying, distrust, silence and selfishness. Swinging does not cure cheating.

 

Clearly, you don't trust your wife, doubtless due to the serious emotional damage you are still suffering from your divorce. You've taken your ex-wife's behavior and generalized it to "everybody," probably as a way to mitigate the pain you feel from her betrayal. You need to actually deal with that pain, heal those wounds and learn how to trust again. That is the first step on what may be a long road to emotional recovery.

 

My $.02. Take it for what it's worth.

[lcmim 1,086]

I have been married to my second wife for over three decades. On the rare occasion something still crops up that has me reacting to something that my first did.

 

Reminds me of a song.

"I'm not Lisa, my name is Julie

Lisa left you years ago

My eyes are not blue

But mine won't leave you…"

 

Point being, that unless you did something really self destructive like marrying a clone of your first, you are doing both of you a disservice by not treating her in accordance with her own life with you.

 

Talk with her about your insecurities in this matter. Maybe she does want to play. In that case rock out.

If not, then at least you have not bottled it up inside of yourself.

 

Do not be too surprised or disappointed either way.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I traveled for work for six years, 3-4 nights a week and I never cheated once on my ex...we divorced later for different reasons. Point is that not 'everyone' who travels cheats. As already said, swinging is about honesty, love, trust and communication and takes place out in the open with both parties participating. Cheating is about lies, distrust, silence and selfishness (nailed it Lion) and takes place in the darkness where others cannot see what is going on. If you don't trust your wife, you need to start working on improving that. I know that you have been betrayed in the past, but you will never get past this until you do. Talk to your wife (the best way to improve trust is through great communication) and tell her your concerns. Open up to her, that way she will feel safe to open up to you...that is one of the secrets for improving trust. No matter what happens to the two of you, this is something that you need to improve now (there's no such thing as too much communication or too much trust). By doing this your relationship will only improve.

 

But back to the point: Would swinging help you two...hell no! Don't even think about it at this point. Swinging is a magnifying glass... it will take a great relationship and make it bigger, greater, take it to new places you never imagined, but it will also show every flaw in a weak relationship and eventually burn you. It will not fix the problems that you already have. There is a long road full of the broken relationships of couples who thought that swinging would 'fix' their problems. Cheating is usually someone looking to fulfill a need (emotional, physical, whatever) that is missing in their current relationship. If there isn't anything missing, then there is no reason to try and fill that. Work on the big three: Love, trust and communication and you will be fine. The only price you have to pay to obtain a better, stronger, more loving relationship is being willing to let down your own defenses...not easy to do (especially when you have been burned before) but it's the price that you need to pay for admission. Most swingers can (and do) talk about EVERYTHING with their partner, including their sexual fantasies. In fact, that they could talk about anything usually happened first and talking about their sexual fantasies came later. When you trust each other to be able to do this, then you start thinking about how you can fulfill your partners fantasies and not be afraid of you partner leaving because they found something that you didn't bring to the table. You are already bringing a four course gourmet meal to the table...nothing could be better that that. Once she sees that you are giving her a safe place to be and are opening up about your concerns, then she will most likely do the same in return. Things only get better once that starts.

 

Don't think about swinging (at least at this time) but do work on making a better relationship for both of you. We wish you the best and feel free to ask more questions and let us know how things are going for the two of you.

 

(PS, please notice our comment in our foot note below)

[EastInWest 1,524]

Everybody else has already said what needs to be said, but I'll add that like GoldCoCouple, I travel often for business and have never cheated in spite of the opportunities. That's a choice, not a necessity.

 

You want to back way up if you're thinking about grudgingly doing this because you fear you can't trust her not to do it without you.

[AZMan69 15]

I don't know that I wouldn't be excited. I think I might feel a little excited, but at the same time I would probably feel like I'm not getting her best. I would feel left out. Doesn't each party having sex with someone else take the cheating thing out of the equation? One part of me thinks it might be inconsequential that she has a Tinder hookup or something random on a trip when here I am drowning in pussy possibly while she's gone. I don't know. That's where my thinking was I guess. Why would I care if she's getting railed while traveling if I am too at home? I would probably want her to have fun like I am. Not sure. Just a thought.

[AZMan69 15]

So your saying if she was messing around while traveling (and I was too as we knew this was going to happen), that I would still be upset? I'm not there. I guess I was thinking I would be ok with it. It wouldn't bother me.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

So your saying if she was messing around while traveling (and I was too as we knew this was going to happen), that I would still be upset? I'm not there. I guess I was thinking I would be ok with it. It wouldn't bother me.

 

On the one hand, I have no idea how you would feel. I don't know you. However, you are making two very critical mistakes here...

 

1) Swinging is not "we each get to have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want and we both know about it." Sometimes that happens in swinging, sometimes it doesn't, but that isn't what swinging is.

 

2) (and probably more importantly to you), Just because you have permission to have sex with whomever you want, doesn't mean you're actually going to be "drowning in pussy." It's far more likely, you're going to be sitting at home, frustrated and pissed off after being rejected, while imagining that your wife is off having crazy sex with random guys.

 

All in all, it sounds like you have serious issues in your marriage and your relationships with women in general. I suggest dealing with those first.

[Guest 2B13RFUN]

...doesn't mean you're actually going to be "drowning in pussy." It's far more likely, you're going to be sitting at home, frustrated and pissed off...

 

This is a most salient point. Pay special attention to it.

[luvin eye full 140]

So this all what you think - but what has she said about your concerns?

 

Have you talked to her straight out and said how you feel?

 

please let us know this and then we can go from there.

 

But from what you have posted - no swinging or anything else will not help - well it may help you split up quicker -

 

now if you both are on solid ground and all cards are on the table then it would be different because your love,respect and trust for each other would be in play.

 

But it's not yet and that can only hinder you guys. Have a talk with her and let us know.

 

Good luck

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Yes, talk to her and let us know what was said. Right now we are only getting your side (and I'm not even sure what your side is). Actually what you are talking about now is an open marriage and not necessarily swinging (although open marriage can fall under the swinging banner). Being a married guy looking for sex whole your wife is on business trips...lets just say the only thing you may be drowning in won't be pussy. Very few women will even believe that your wife is okay with you fucking around while she is gone (most will believe that this is just a story so you can cheat on her). Swinger or not, it's not an easy story to sell (and single men trying to swing are 'like finding a cheeseburger at McDonalds').

 

Talk with her, tell her your concerns and see what she has to say before you even think about another step down this road.