I'm a wife who was NOT aware that my husband is messing with couples

[waningmoon 15]

Hello everyone.

 

First of all, I'm not a swinger and I'm not interested in this lifestyle at all.

 

I'm a 26 years old woman married to a 37 years old man. As of now, we have been married for almost 3 years. Our marriage is great and we have a regular, healthy sex life as well. We have no kids but we were planning to start our own family soon.

 

Thing is, my husband was into the swinging lifestyle when he was single for long years before we met in 2013. Well, to be exact he was mainly into the interracial cuckolding thing. My husband in black and he played with these older white women whose husbands loved to watch. I'm a white woman btw.

 

When we met and started dating he told me about his past which I was shocked about but he claimed that he wasn't interested in the swinging lifestyle anymore and he told all his contacts that he is out of it. He claimed that he was ready to settle down and be serious.

 

Years have passed, and TODAY he admitted to me that last Friday (on September 8th) he CHEATED on me one time with this older woman who is 33 (actually it was a cuckold couple to be more exact, her husband was watching). She has her tubes tied or so she claimed with paperwork (which we all know can be faked). My husband came in her (how freaking irresponsible!) and here is the thing: he now has GONORRHEA!

 

His symptoms showed yesterday and he went to a health clinic today. When he got home that's when he confessed. In addition my husband had unprotected sex with me this week (when he was still unaware of his condition) so it's possible that I have it too! I don't have symptoms as of now but I will go to a health clinic ASAP!

 

Sorry that my post was so long but I want to get everybody's attention that NOT ALL WIVES ARE AWARE OF SWINGING HUSBANDS! Be aware of married men! My husband lied to this said couple that I was aware of what he was doing and I have my blessing on it. HELL NO! I was cheated on and I feel very betrayed, angry, and my trust is gone. I love my husband but I don't know how I can go on with my marriage.

[couplers 4,652]

I am sorry for what happened to you. You were betrayed.

 

My advice is to see a good doctor and a good lawyer. You may not want nor intend to go that far, but you must be prepared. And your husband needs to know how prepared you are. It is best to have a detached, uninvolved, objective, experienced advocate on your side who can tell you exactly where you stand. Be careful to think for yourself both ways and not feel as though you have to live up to expectations of girlfriends, parents, sisters, and other people either way on either dumping the bum or keeping your man. You can always back down, but you need to do it from a position of strength.

 

 

Keep strong and best of luck to you.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Spend much time reading on this site and you will find that the vast majority of people here will use the term "cheater" for your husband, not "swinger". Experienced swingers know that people (nearly always guys) who behave like your husband has do exist, and are constantly on guard against this exact type of situation and want absolutely no part of it. Trust but verify is the approach. But, I won't lie, there is a small minority that takes a "none of my business" approach and don't ask and don't question anything that does get offered up. Even for those who are on their guard, someone really convincing may be able to bs their way past the defenses the couple has to prevent becoming involved in this type of thing.

 

I think couplers advice is good, you need to prepare and plan for the worst and hope for the best. Once some time has passed and the shock has worn off, whether that's days weeks or months, I suspect what is the right answer for you will become apparent. Your job is to not talk yourself into ignoring what your gut and heart is telling you, no matter which way that answer ends up.

 

Wishing you the best.

[padoc 1,703]

Do you really believe it was ONE time!!Do you really think the other couple gives a crap if he had your permission?? Show him the door, get yourself checked for std's and be happy you didn't get knocked up.

[Guest]

I would leave him ASAP!!

 

I have been down this road before and sure we all like to "THINK" that a cheater will change, we all like to think it was a one time mistake, we all like to think things will get better, but sadly in my honest experience they never do get better, they never do stop cheating, it never ends up been a one time thing.

 

I'd say if someone cheats on you then the chances of them cheating again in the future are perhaps 90% / 95% sure it might be 2 months before they cheat again, it might be 2 years before they cheat again, but in my honest experience they DO CHEAT AGAIN. Its just a matter of time and them finding the right opportunity.

 

I'd also say your fairly silly if you think this has just happened once, chances are its happened multiple times over the last 3 years of your marriage.

 

To me this sounds like what I call....

 

"The Sexy Wife at Home Syndrome"

 

This issue happens with a LOT of men in the swinging world, but basically they want to swing, they want to have sex with different women, they will take any chance to push their dick into a new women, but they DO NOT want their wife to sleep with other people so they find themselves a nice sexy trusting wife who sits at home and looks sexy, then they go out looking for other women to bang.

 

The vast majority of "Single Guys" into swinging are actually married guys / guys with girlfriends but they figure swinging is an easy way to get sex with other women.

 

If they meet a single women in a bar then they have to speak with her, flirt with her, buy her drinks, invest time getting to know her, call her, message her, hide away her messages from the wife, most of the time they have to lie to this women, they have to pretend they are single which means they are lying to two women at once, then the women will become upset and suspicious if this new man can not answer her text's and calls. She will begin to see patterns in his behaviour, for example the only time this man can meet is in the day whilst his wife is working, that he can never spend the night, that he always wants to fuck and then run off within 5 minutes so the wife doesn't realise he is gone.

 

Often meeting a single women to be a mistress is difficult, so sure such cheating men get attracted to swinging, they can show up at a couples house without the need to spend time getting to know them, without the need to send constant text messages, without the couple wanting him to spend the night. In a lot of swinging situations a man will turn up and his dick is inside the women within 30 minutes. Cheating men are attracted to this lifestyle because they view it as been "Easy no strings sex" they can turn up, fuck a new women, cum inside of her, then walk away without any come backs.

 

One of the things that puts me off swinging with men is a lot of them are married, a lot of them have children at home, a lot of them do want to fuck other people but don't want anyone else to fuck their sexy wife who is sat at home with the children. The wife at home is HIS PROPERTY and not to be shared, so instead he goes looking for other couples who are willing to share the women.

 

Its okay if I stick my dick in your wife.

 

But NO its not okay for anyone to stick their dicks into MY WIFE.

 

You will hear a lot of men in the swinging world saying they are in sexless marriages.

 

In most cases that is not true, in most cases the man will come and have sex with a couple then go home and fuck his wife in the same night.

 

 

If everything you said in the original post is true and accurate then I'd say you would be a fool to stay.

 

I will point out however I'm not trying to break you apart, I am not just giving advice to cause drama, I don't actually care what choice you make, it will not effect my life in the slightest, however from my honest experience you would be much better leaving now that leaving in another 5 years when your a single mom to a man who is cheating any chance he can.

 

Your post says your 26 years old, well your still young, you still have chance to find a new partner, if you stay then you will end up with a family, you will end up with a child and my guess is that shortly after you will end up as a single mother, he won't stop cheating, you will break up in the end, so I would honestly break up now on YOUR TERMS, whilst the story is in your favour.

 

In my experience once a man gets the idea of swinging / threesomes into his head then it doesn't just GO AWAY its there for life and the big factor here is that:

 

He wants swinging, he wants to fuck other women.

 

You don't.

 

 

In my honest experience cheaters do NOT STOP CHEATING they simply think "I'll make sure to lie better next time, I'll make sure I don't get caught next time, next time I'll be more careful"

 

 

I would leave him now.

 

Yes it might be hard, yes it might cause your life a lot of upset, yes you might have to live in shit hole or in a friends spare bedroom for a while, but I'd leave him and hope to find someone who suits you better. Most people these days don't get married until they are past 30, most people don't have children until their past 30 / 35 so you have plenty of time to meet a new partner.

[waningmoon 15]

Thank you so much everyone for your answers.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We are so sorry to hear about this as well. Just be aware that the swinging community dislikes cheaters probably more than the vanilla world. Cheating and swinging (other than sex) have NOTHING to do with each other. Cheating is about lies, deceit, and darkness while swinging is about open communication, trust and takes place with everyone knowing what is happening out in the light. Most couples know that 'single' men very well could be lying about how 'single' they are and usually make sure that what they are saying is true (single men in swinging are a dime for...well, dozens and dozens). With so many men the 'bad ones' usually don't last very long (once it becomes known they are cheating, the info spreads rather quickly). That, however, doesn't help you at all. As pointed out, just because he got caught this time (it was his first time back...not) doesn't mean that he hasn't been doing it. Do whatever you need to do but realize that most likely he is going to continue doing what he has done and continues to do. If you choose to say, make sure that you 'trust but verify' and do whatever you need to protect yourself. We are so sorry to hear he is putting you through this and wish you the best.

[a_d_xxx 663]

My sympathies @waningmoon. Being betrayed sucks, I hope you are seeking solace in friends and family that can help you heal.

 

About your situation, there are two types of non-monogamous relationships, ethical and non-ethical. You've just discovered (to your dismay) that you've actually been part of a non-ethical non-monogamous relationship. Not by your choice obviously, but definitely by his.

 

I would guess that this is a genie that you cannot put back in the bottle. The foundational expectation of your relationship - that you would be sexually and emotionally monogamous - was not in fact a shared by both of you.

 

So, what do you do with that?

 

Well first I encourage you to heal and get over your anger and grief, give yourself the time to do that, and you don't allow yourself to get pushed to 'put it behind you' etc, until you've truly processed this pain and betrayal fully.

 

Then you need to decide what you want to do about your relationship with this man.

 

He has revealed to you that not only is his assumptions about your relationship different than yours, but he's also willing to act on his assumptions regardless of whether you are on board or not. You need to decide if you are willing to be in an 'open-ish' relationship with him. If so, he has to decide if he's willing to abide by some ethical guidelines if that is the case. Open relationships can range from fully and equitably open, to 'don't ask don't' tell. The choice is yours (and his).

 

However, that may be a bridge too far, and if committed monogamy is the only kind of relationship you can see yourself part of, then my gut says this relationship is over. He can promise to be better, but really I think that would just mean better at subjugating/hiding/or disguising his true desires and behaviour.

 

D

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Well first I encourage you to heal and get over your anger and grief, give yourself the time to do that, and you don't allow yourself to get pushed to 'put it behind you' etc, until you've truly processed this pain and betrayal fully.

 

Then you need to decide what you want to do about your relationship with this man.

 

These are similar to the thoughts that came into my mind as I read your story. I will add something. After processing the pain, assess you desire to save your relationship. If you feel hope that it can be retained, look for professional help -- a licensed marriage counselor.

[dan63 106]

I agree with everyone else that he is NOT going to change. I would also agree that most likely this was not his first time. As a matter of fact I wouldn't be surprised if the STD screening she showed him was legit. I really have a hard time imagining a couple faking a clean bill of health, why mention it at all, I seriously doubt he requested it. If indeed she showed him a legit clean bill of health, it is very possible he also gave it to them (the clap). If so I bet they will be a lot more careful next time.

[padoc 1,703]

Swingers, as a group, are very conscience of health, hygiene and stds. I'd be willing to bet your husband did not catch the clap from the people he's blaming, they are just convenient. I'd bet he really doesn't know where he got it but that truth really IS inconvenient. Time to cut your losses he's been screwing around for years.

[Brimba 30]

Hello everyone.

 

First of all, I'm not a swinger and I'm not interested in this lifestyle at all.

 

I'm a 26 years old woman married to a 37 years old man. As of now, we have been married for almost 3 years. Our marriage is great and we have a regular, healthy sex life as well. We have no kids but we were planning to start our own family soon.

 

Thing is, my husband was into the swinging lifestyle when he was single for long years before we met in 2013. Well, to be exact he was mainly into the interracial cuckolding thing. My husband in black and he played with these older white women whose husbands loved to watch. I'm a white woman btw.

 

When we met and started dating he told me about his past which I was shocked about but he claimed that he wasn't interested in the swinging lifestyle anymore and he told all his contacts that he is out of it. He claimed that he was ready to settle down and be serious.

 

Years have passed, and TODAY he admitted to me that last Friday (on September 8th) he CHEATED on me one time with this older woman who is 33 (actually it was a cuckold couple to be more exact, her husband was watching). She has her tubes tied or so she claimed with paperwork (which we all know can be faked). My husband came in her (how freaking irresponsible!) and here is the thing: he now has GONORRHEA!

 

His symptoms showed yesterday and he went to a health clinic today. When he got home that's when he confessed. In addition my husband had unprotected sex with me this week (when he was still unaware of his condition) so it's possible that I have it too! I don't have symptoms as of now but I will go to a health clinic ASAP!

 

Sorry that my post was so long but I want to get everybody's attention that NOT ALL WIVES ARE AWARE OF SWINGING HUSBANDS! Be aware of married men! My husband lied to this said couple that I was aware of what he was doing and I have my blessing on it. HELL NO! I was cheated on and I feel very betrayed, angry, and my trust is gone. I love my husband but I don't know how I can go on with my marriage.

 

 

 

 

Also, be it known that there are many married women out there who are doing exactly the same thing. especially so when knowing that their admittance to such parties is free of charge.

[AngelandTiger 364]

The only thing I'd add is from the medical perspective. It is extremely common for women infected with gonorrhea, even the multi drug-resistant variety, to display NO SYMPTOMS AT ALL despite a significant and fulminating infection. Left untreated, infertility (and worse) can result. Please see your provider as soon as is possible, and be sure to be checked for any other STI. STIs have a nasty habit of ganging together......

 

T

[luvin eye full 140]

Everyone has had good comments to you and all i would say is-

 

There are many guys out there that would give there left nut for a girl like you, that not only can faithful but also able to stand up and say something when it's not right, your husband is a dick and he's only telling you about this one because he got caught out with the sti.

 

now he may love you but he does not respect you - find a new partner that wants what you want no matter how much it hurts now it will only get worse with this guy unless he can stop - which i doubt sorry.

Normally i would say try to fix it bla bla ..... but i think it may be past that now,( But if you do try and rebuild your life with him then good luck to the both of you.)

 

Look after your self and best wishes to you.

[adamgunn 1,460]

A little harsh there, luvin eye.

 

OP, work on your relationship. Perhaps counseling would help. The best of luck.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Update?

[luvin eye full 140]

A little harsh there, luvin eye.

 

OP, work on your relationship. Perhaps counseling would help. The best of luck.

 

Lol I disagree - what is a little harsh is where she finds herself now though no fault of her own - but hey to each there own.