Unbalanced

[Chained 15]

OK so here is the situation.

 

I'm the male half of a married couple. We have both always recognised that we couldn't do full monogamy and have played with guys, girls, and couples during our almost ten years together. We are both bi and she has the higher sex drive by far.

 

Over the last two years I've had continued medical issues which means sex isn't as fun for me as it use to be, I've got bad nerve damage down my leg and lower back thanks to a car accident. I also work up to 70 hours a week while she is a stay at home mum to our dogs.

 

At first after the injury we worked well together, finding people to help out where I couldn't. We met some good people but nothing long term. Recently all the guys we have met haven't actually been bi so have only played with her and I get completely regulated to the side line observer, even though this is never the plan and I've mentioned I don't like it afterwards. She claims she can't concentrate on two people at once, etc.

 

We basically never have sex of any kind now unless someone else is involved and as I font gave the time to meet people they are almost always people she has picked and even though they may have been chatty to both if us originally they usually stop talking to me and just chat with her after the first meet.

 

She often describes herself as orally obsessed but even though that is the only type of sex I can comfortably and reliably have now that never seems to get the case with me.

 

We recently have both been though a few months this of being very busy and sick so sex has been on the back burner. I'm not pushy so even though I was good I was waiting for her to tell me she was good to go as well. While on a business trip recently she asked if she could fuck a semi regular she like and although we have done it before it was with someone who was into both of us not just her. I said it was fine as long as she had some sexy time left over for me as I would be home a couple hours after he left and also would like a picture and some info about what went on to get me all hot and bothered before I hot in the door.

 

Well he arrived and I got one picture before the flight took off of her playing with her toys so was expecting some more when I landed. Nothing though :s. I send a few messages, try to call, nothing.

 

I get home, a bit worried by this point to find the door unlocked and her upstairs toys everywhere, condoms on the bed still, and her fast asleep. I ask her how it all went and if she is up for about round and she just says it was OK, nothing special and says she needs to sleep, although not before asking for a snack and sleeping early water which I get for her.

 

Six hours later it's 9pm and she is still in bed. I'm hungry so I cook us some dinner and bring it to her in bed. Ask again but she says it was all pretty standard and says she is still waking up so I take the dishes down to clean up the kitchen and feed the dogs.

 

Anyway that was two days ago, still no details, I've been super supportive and obvious that I'm in the mood to try and give some sort of sex a go but she isn't interested or uses the excuse she doesn't want to hurt me or get everyone disappointed if it doesn't work.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I feel that she takes zero interest in me sexuality although when we do talk she ensures me that isn't the case. I'm still the only guy to bring her to orgasm with penetrative sex (I can't do this well any more though due to my injuries) and although I'm great with my tongue, she doesn't enjoy oral (she has tried with many different guys and girls, just doesn't work for her).

[Alura 2,774]

I certainly agree that your relationship is unbalanced,Chained. Unless your wife is willing to even out the scales somewhat, I see no solution to your situation. Keep trying to fix your communication before you give up, though.

[Guest]

The short answer is.....

 

GET TO THE GYM!!!!!

 

Several years ago now I ruptured my spine and was basically in total 100% agony for months, I suffered severe pain, could hardly walk, suffered nerve damage, experienced a total lack of confidence as a result, felt weaker, put on weight, and so on.....

 

The solution however might be painful, might be hard work, might be shitty, but if you get yourself to the gym about 2 or 3 times a week then things will get better, things will improve.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm NOT saying hit the gym and go crazy lifting massive weights, in fact "TAKE IT EASY" start very slowly, work your legs, work your lower back, do lots of stretches, slow squats. Forget about running that just causes more damage, instead focus on building some strength in your tummy / lower back / legs, what the experts would call "Core Strength"

 

Avoid rapid movements, your not there to run, your not there to break dance, your not there to have arms like a giant, your simply there to strengthen your back / waist / leg muscles which can be done by slow controlled movements. Also make sure your taking things like cod liver oil and protein shakes which will help your muscles recover and rebuild.

 

Look for a protein shake that doesn't have any calories in, go to your local body building store and explain the situation, your not looking to "Add Weight or Massive Muscle" you just need a very low calorie protein drink that will help you recover from mild workouts.

 

If you smoke then strongly consider stopping smoking, new research shows that smoking effects the blood flow to the lower back and can cause back pain, if you do smoke then either quit or use a vape / electronic cigarette instead.

 

Yes it would hurt a lot, yes you would come home and the next day probably struggle to walk without pain, give it six months, stay focused, don't give up and in time issues with your back / legs will improve, just make sure to TAKE IT SLOW, firm but slow movements so not to injure your back more.

 

If you join a good gym then explain the situation to the staff, tell them you hurt your back and legs badly and need to SLOWLY rebuild them and they will help you. Don't be scared to chat to the biggest strongest guys in the gym, ask their advice. It doesn't matter how old you are, doesn't matter how fat you are, the guys in the gym will respect you for trying and will offer lots of suggestions.

 

See your doctor and tell the doctor your plan, that your going to try and work out a lot more to help the issues in your back, the doctor may even prescribe you some low end medical steroids aimed at rebuilding muscle. I'm not talking about injections, but perhaps some very low grade pills that could help build back the muscle in your lower back / tummy to increase that core strength.

 

If you can avoid sitting for too long, sitting all day wrecks your back, humans were not designed to sit (look into it) if possible buy a special chair for work if needed, one designed to help back problems, and break up your time between standing / walking / sitting.

 

Maybe buy a new mattress, we recently bought a "Back Care" mattress and I fucking hate the thing, its like a rock, its very firm to say the least and I wake up aching, then after 30 minutes the pain is gone and my back feels better for it.

 

Build yourself an exercise plan, walking the dogs is on there, slow leg raises in on there, slow squats is on there, anything that works your back / lower back / tummy / legs is on there.

 

You work 70 hours a week, well perhaps lower that amount, make time for the gym. I will also point out having a "Active Job" doesn't mean anything, you need movements and exercise that specifically targets the areas you want to make stronger. Lifting heavy boxes around all day isn't doing that, sitting down all day isn't doing that.

 

As for your wife......

 

Well I honestly don't think she means to ignore you, my guess is she is scared of hurting you, that she already knows if you have sex and it goes badly then it will leave you feeling stressed, hurt, frustrated, even angry at yourself and am guessing she wants to avoid all of those things.

[luvin eye full 140]

Your wife is taking you for granted and you are letting her, tell her it stops now and rebuild your marriage before you lose it.

 

That is to say you two need time for yourselves and if you guys can not give that to each other well - your fucked mate!

But you already know that don't you, after reading this = please get of the computer and go and fix your marriage - then come back and talk.

 

Best of luck

[luv2was 117]

I have had some physical health issues that have been a real challenge, so I can relate to your experience there. I was rapidly loosing mobility in the mid 1990's due to a debilitating joint disorder. I had crummy insurance at the time, and only through my own perseverance (I swim) was I able to get back to an almost normal life. It still takes a lot of maintenance. Hopefully there is/has-been some good Physical Therapy for you, as a result of your accident. Good medical PT is essential for physical trauma recovery.

 

With the number of hours you are working, you have an extra challenge before you. Hopefully in your partnership she is covering everything else (food, cleaning, etc.). That may allow you the hours you work, plus the time to rebuild your body. i.e. Eat well and go to the gym (as mentioned above), but do so with some care and guidance.

 

As for how she is treating you in your physical relationship, I agree with the suggestion of getting some counseling & therapy, both together and apart.

 

I agree also with the suggestion of finding other fun stuff to do together, to help reconnect. Even if is just working out together.

 

I sense that y'all are a good match. I know for sure it is rare that both parts of a couple are comfortable with non-monogamy. I suspect that if you can work together, you will be able to recover enough from your injury to have a (relatively?) "normal" life again, and that the long-term rewards as a result of that work will be plentiful.

 

Be Well... Have Fun!

 

:-)