He doesn't, I do

[CinnamonSwirl 23]

Hi all. My husband and I have been in the LS for about 7 months. Had some things not go as planned but got right back on the horse. Met this great couple that we did soft swap with. Set up a second date with the intention of full swap. Husband and I were both comfortable and excited or so I thought. Days before we were to meet my husband came to me and said he no longer wanted to do this lifestyle and gave me his reasons which I understood. He was scared of this changing us, of the unknown or us getting hurt. I could go on and on. Which we had discussed all of this prior to making the leap. I understand things change and this can be such a roller coaster ride at the beginning. I am so surprised at how crushed I fell. I was really looking forward to being with this couple. However; I do not know how to deal with the desire to still experience this. I feel like someone gave me a chocolate bar and right as I was putting it in my mouth it fell into the dirt. I am not sure how to just turn this off and be okay with it.

[Alura 2,774]

It seems y'all have been set back a bit, Cinnamon Swirl. I'd suggest y'all keep talking. Keep assuring your husband that he has nothing to fear. My late wife and I went through something similar. Years later we met a couple who helped us to put all doubts behind us. My best to both y'all!

[luvin eye full 140]

When you say things did not go well - what happened ?and have you really gotten over it as a couple? you say you understand your husband - do you?

 

surly his emotional well being takes more of your time and feelings then letting yourself feel "Crushed" by his choice?

 

By the way do not think that he does not feel your disappointment which makes it worse now for him.

 

Now if you really want to ever get anywhere with him in this LS you are going to have to work out all problems 1st, then take it as slow as the slowest goes.

The fact that you feel some disappointment is ok but feeling anywhere near crushed tells me you are nowhere ready to go forward.

 

It's simple is your "desire" to screw some man/woman more then the "Desire" to keep your marriage? Because this feeling of yours left unchecked can and more then likely will start some resentment and on it goes.

 

now if you want to talk about how you can help your man to feel better and there by help fill your wanting in this, then give some details and lets see if we can help.

 

 

Good luck to both of you

[CinnamonSwirl 23]

Alura,thank you so much for your advice and encouragement! Wow, Luvin Eye Full what a stern rebuke. Of course I know that my marriage is the most important thing and I would never do anything to hurt that or my husband! I do understand his concerns and that is why we as a couple are not swinging. I do know that he feels my disappointment. Crushed was probably too strong of a word I will own that but at the time it was all fresh. To answer your question about things not going well we had one couple turn out to be just a man, a man that did not tell his wife about us and a bi male poising as a straight male. Anyway thanks for your advice and I will head your warning of not moving forward.

[njbm 2,879]

I think that a good part of lifestyle success comes from getting off to a good start and building on positive experiences. You guys got hit with a couple of clunkers.

 

Keep the dialog open and you may have another opportunity down the road.

[Wornsilver 219]

Alura,thank you so much for your advice and encouragement! Wow, Luvin Eye Full what a stern rebuke. Of course I know that my marriage is the most important thing and I would never do anything to hurt that or my husband! I do understand his concerns and that is why we as a couple are not swinging. I do know that he feels my disappointment. Crushed was probably too strong of a word I will own that but at the time it was all fresh. To answer your question about things not going well we had one couple turn out to be just a man, a man that did not tell his wife about us and a bi male poising as a straight male. Anyway thanks for your advice and I will head your warning of not moving forward.

 

I'm not sure you need to own that "crush" was too strong. We are dealing with strong emotions here, all of them are not positive, and I thought your choice of words was perfect for what you were trying to communicate to us, the readers. Sorry for your first "clunkers" which was also a perfect word, thanks to njbm. It seems that one of the supremely positive outcomes of successful swinging is a higher level of communication than couples imagined. This may be, swinging or not, a result of your experiences. Hope so.

[Alura 2,774]

Alura,thank you so much for your advice and encouragement!

 

I've probably been around here too long, CinnamonSwirl, and posted similar things so often that many members will say, "What? He said that again??" With that in mind:

 

My late wife and I made a pact on our second date that we would never get angry because a question was asked. The agreement served us well for the next thirty years. It removed the fear of talking about anything, including her death.

 

I've written a memoir about her last day entitled, "A Golden Butterfly Fluttered By" and will be pleased to share it with you. I've copyrighted it and you will not be allowed to share it with others. I need you to send me an email asking for a PDF copy. I will attach it, without charge, to the reply.

 

I think your marriage will be long and happy.

[luvin eye full 140]

Alura,thank you so much for your advice and encouragement! Wow, Luvin Eye Full what a stern rebuke. Of course I know that my marriage is the most important thing and I would never do anything to hurt that or my husband! I do understand his concerns and that is why we as a couple are not swinging. I do know that he feels my disappointment. Crushed was probably too strong of a word I will own that but at the time it was all fresh. To answer your question about things not going well we had one couple turn out to be just a man, a man that did not tell his wife about us and a bi male poising as a straight male. Anyway thanks for your advice and I will head your warning of not moving forward.

 

Lol Stern and here i was tiring to tone it down a bit - hmm looks like we all have some work to do lol

 

Crushed implies ( in this context and to myself anyway ) self centered and a more poor me then to the more important things like love = devotion to your mate and so on. -

I am most happy to here that your problem is more disappointment then crushed as this changes the whole thing,

 

We have been married for over 30 years and in the game for so long the shine has so what come off lol any way we have seen many partners hurt each other by this type of feeling ( one wants to the not and the hurt begins )

The two of you are the most important and i'm glad to see you know that too - so many these days are all about how they feel i think they have lost what marriage is all about.

 

So mybe that's where my seeming stern comes across - but be assured all we want is to see you guys over come anything that will come over the years and the only way is to put you guys 1st.

 

all of which you all ready know.

Good Luck to both off you.

[WSB421 91]

Cinnamon, I'm in a similar situation. My wife wants to perhaps participate in some LS activity and then when the calendar comes out... not so much.

 

I think what Luvin originally wrote was some swinging tough love, which was of course still intended as love.

[CinnamonSwirl 23]

Luvin, no worries thank you for the sound advice. Wsb421, your situation is spot on with ours. Wornsilver and Alura, thanks for sharing your wisdom. We will continue to keep our communication open and see how things progress. I am fine if we don't go any further and fine if it does.

[CinnamonSwirl 23]

Thank you NJbm for your advice. Hopefully we may try again down the road.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Just posted this in another forum:

 

Love trust communication. One (or more) needs to be made stronger. We both KNOW that we are going to be together no matter what...not think, not hope, KNOW. Neither of us are going anywhere. There isn't anyone good enough in bed to lure us away (in fact, we have both learned new 'tricks' from others that did things differently and shared them with our partner). Since he is interested, there's still a chance for you both. He just needs to KNOW that you are forever, and that comes from love, trust and communication (there's never too much of any of the three). Work on them and the worst thing that can happen is your relationship grows. Maybe some day he will be ready, but don't rush or pressure him (always move at the speed the slowest person is comfortable with). This isn't a race, it's just play, fun, excitement, whatever, but it is not going to fix any problems that may exist. This will never be more important than US. Good luck and let us know how things progress.

 

At the same time, if either of us were to tell the other they wanted to stop...we would stop without ever looking back. We are the most important thing in each others lives and this is just for fun...spice, something different, exciting. Fond memories, yes, did some things that neither of us ever thought would happen, absolutely, but not even remotely important enough to chance loosing the other over.

 

This IS a Pandora's box that cannot be re closed after it is opened and if one of you isn't ready yet, then don't do it. You may come back to it later, you might never return, but unless you are both READY (without doubt), it's better to be safe. Work on the BIG THREE (above) and maybe some day you will return. Good luck with whatever you both decide to do.