Annoyed - one of us suggesting dates without consulting the other

[angelkin 1,326]

One of us is more active on the swinger sites than the other and tasked with finding suitable matches. We work different shifts, so it's hard to find time to communicate about possible dates with new friends...but I am getting annoyed with him suggesting meeting people for dinner or other activities without asking me first. To be clear, we typically have agreed we want to meet the people we are trying to make arrangements with - but I only want to go out on free Saturdays and those are limited as sometimes he has to work (sometimes last minute)...however, then he suggests meeting on Sunday.

 

I am selfish with our time together. We only see each other 1/2 hour a weekday and on weekends even though we live together. I want to swing but it's more important to me to spend time together. I'm ok giving up part of a Saturday if we have a Sunday to share. Sometimes I can take a Monday off and that makes meeting on a Sunday ok.

 

It's becoming a common theme and and am annoyed.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

but I am getting annoyed with him suggesting meeting people for dinner or other activities without asking me first.

 

We would be too. We don't even respond to a message on one of the sites until we have both seen it and talked about, much less actually try to set something up. It sounds like the first part of that is being met, but the second part isn't. The first one would be a huge red flag, but the second one is still a sign of this has started to depart from a team sport into something short of that.

 

It sounds like you've expressed your displeasure with this and yet it still happens. It might be time to consider putting the foot down a little harder and make it clear that if there are to be any meets at all in the future, then your priorities as a couple better start taking precedence over any other priorities.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Is this, dear Angelkin, a monster of your own creation? I seem to recall from your history of posting here at Swingersboard that your S.O. had to be introduced in stages to the idea of swing. Is he now become too enthusiastic for comfort? Tell me, of course, if my remembrance is not correct.

 

Being selfish with your time is your right and your privilege. What does he say when your bring this up?

[njbm 2,880]

My wife says we have to have sex with each other more than with other people. Not a bad thing to keep in mind.

[adamgunn 1,460]

I feel your angst, you seem to have a valid problem.

 

I would suggest that you set a rule, that he is not to suggest any times for the other couple until he has cleared it with you. And have him stick to that.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

It seriously sounds like your communication needs improvement. I can understand his enthusiasm now that he is embracing the idea of swinging, but it should always be viewed as a hobby and not as a priority. Talk with him and work this out. He might just not realize he is doing it. Either way, he needs to calm down and not rush so much. Right now it sounds like it is probably more important that you two find ways to spend more time together than in trying to find more people to bring into your relationship. Good luck.

[angelkin 1,326]

Thanks to everyone for their support and for listening.

 

Perhaps he is becoming too enthusiastic for comfort. I confronted him yesterday and his knee-jerk (er, jerk) reaction was to say that I am now in charge of dates and online interaction which is not what I want. I only want to be consulted on when we suggest meeting people or otherwise go out to swing (club, party).

 

I did end up apologizing and I am sure we will talk more about it this weekend. I do tend to be critical and I can see his side too...it's hard for me to want to share our limited time with others and harder to schedule when Saturdays are a variable factor lately (we might know 3-4 days in advance if he's working).

 

I am just frustrated, I suppose. I don't think there's a true underlying issue other than we need to check in before inviting people over or out. I don't want it to be mechanical, but it's going to have to be that way for awhile.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Set aside some time this weekend and BOTH of you spend the time looking for a mutual match. Set aside a time each week and look together. Swinging is and always will be a team sport. Good luck.