Swinging after infidelity?

[CuriousBabe 28]

Hello all, I’m a total newbie here and this is long so my apologies in advance

 

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 6. I recently discovered that he had a long time affair with another woman. He broke off the other relationship immediately and we have been going through the process of repairing our marriage - honest conversations, full disclosure, STD testing, marriage counseling, etc.

 

Our sex life, which was basically nonexistent the last few years, is back to where it was when we first got together as 20 somethings. Between the reignited sex and our conversations, we’ve started talking about threesomes and various kinky scenarios. I’ve always thought about those scenarios in a hypothetical, fantasy way but I’m now realizing that it’s something I’m really into exploring.

 

Obviously, we have work to do on our marriage to recover from his affair and we are both committed to doing that. But the deeper I think on it, I feel it was the hiding and secrecy of it that hurts me. The actually thought of sharing a woman with him or him watching me with another man drives me insane (in a good way).

 

Is this a really bad idea? This is something I really do want, I know he wants it too, and I know we should take it slow considering we have other issues to overcome. But I don’t know if I’m being too naive.

[Alura 2,774]

Don't think of the affair as the low point of your marriage, Curious Babe. Think of it as the beginning point to opening your minds to exploring. Enjoy your new-found ardor and talk while you're having sex. Let us know how it goes.

 

from Oklahoma!

[CuriousBabe 28]

Thank you for your positive words ? I want to take things slow but I’m really excited to see where this leads us.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Now the affair was wrong on his part but it could be he was simply wanting the things you say you'd like to explore. In other words, the excitement of someone different.

 

If you're thinking the same way, which you mentioned you are, then this could be something you two will share and that will strengthen your relationship.

 

Someone here wrote something years ago that I've always remembered. "Swinging means never needing to cheat again". I've always felt that was true. I once told my wife, "I don't want to cheat on you, I want to cheat with you."

[Guest]

I do agree that swinging and playing together as a team is better than cheating.

 

But its also a widely known fact that swinging doesn't fix a broken relaitonship, or in many cases doesn't stop people from cheating again.

 

I could waffle on and give you my entire truthful opinion, instead however my one bit of advice is simply.....

 

If you want to try group sex with your husband then that's great news

 

Its a lot more positive that cheating

 

HOWEVER.....

 

If I was you then I'd do everything I could to limit my exposure to that world.

 

I mean NOW as it stands you actually have the upper hand, from a legal point of view you are holding all the cards, your husband cheated, your husband lied and broke the vows of your marriage, in any court that is an ironclad case for fair easy divorce, most judges or court rooms would be on your side.

 

However if you got into swinging and 5 years later your husband cheats again, lies again, suffers some kind of severe change, becomes violent, suffers a mental breakdown and then you try divorcing him, that sadly for whatever reason the relaitonship does break down

 

Then he attends court with pictures of you in threesomes, pictures of you with other men or women, pictures of you at swinging parties, copies of online chats between you and other men, copies of online chats between you and your husband where you have discussed this subject via email or social networking, online swinging profiles containing your pictures or name.

 

Sadly when relationship breakdowns happen or reach a divorce status then in many cases the defence you hire (lawyers / solicitors) can be bloody ruthless, if possible they would paint a picture of you as been a promiscuous cheating women. I mean sure your husband might not do that himself but if allowed legal representatives working on his behalf might paint you out to be some lose women hooker type who fucks lots of different people and who broke the marriage vows by bringing others into your bed.

 

 

WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?

 

 

It means yes by all means try swinging, but simply limit your exposure to that world, for example:

 

 

- YOU control any online swinging sites, start a new email address that you do not use for anything else and start up some swinging profiles that you control / you control the email address for / you have the passwords. By all means let your husband use those websites BUT if your husband cheats again, if he runs away, if your relaitonship suffers some kind of breakdown in the future then log into those sites the very same day and change the password / delete all the pictures / delete the profile text / delete any comments on the profile, delete all the messages in the inbox and outbox, then deactivate the account.

 

Remember in most cases you can not just deactivate the account because they can be recovered, make sure you change the password first, make sure you delete everything first, then deactivate the account so even if the account is somehow recovered there is actually nothing there to see. Then delete the fake email address you used with these accounts.

 

- Don't let your husband take pictures or video of you having sex with other people.

 

- Don't chat with your husband about this subject online or by text messages, speak about it in person, make that one of your rules, we don't email about this subject, we don't face book each other about this subject, we speak about it and arrange it in person.

 

- Consider creating some evidence that is in your favour, for example writing a document that says you feel extremely pressured by this situation, that it was your husbands idea, that he pushed you into this idea, that you afraid of losing him so have no choice but to bend to his will.

 

- Use pictures on your online profiles that can not be recognised as you, in other words don't show your face, tattoos, home, other distinguishing marks. In many cases you can simply edit photos, cut and crop, or even cover over scars or body moles using simple edit programs. I have actually used programs like "Paint" before now to cover over tattoos ect.

 

- If the worst happened and you did end up breaking up or facing a divorce in the future then it wouldn't hurt if you could delete your husbands email history to you, and if possible change the hard drives in the computer you used to look at swinging sites, or just buy a new computer so any trace of that is gone.

 

I remember some years ago I used a PC to look on swinging sites and years later I was clicking around on the same PC and suddenly out of nowhere I found thousands of pictures that my PC had saved, it had hundreds of threesome styled pictures on which I assume my PC saved without me knowing to make loading those sites easier in the future. Perhaps that was my fault for not deleting history but personally if I was worried about such things I'd just get a new PC or at the very least change the hard drives. Remember it doesn't matter if you format a hard drive, in many cases you can format a hard drive 10 times a data can still be recovered from years before.

 

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Might seem a little intense, my advice is not filled with roses, but I'm simply saying YES by all means you could try swinging, see how it goes, see if you like it, see if you can make it work together, but also it doesn't hurt to be prepared if the worst happens in the future, limit your exposure, don't give the cheating man ammunition if you do end up breaking up in the future which obviously I hope you don't.

 

 

Good luck

[Judy39 145]

I find the notion that swinging doesn't fix relationship problems a bit hypocritical. Strong, secure, flawless relationship is a great foundation, sure,.. but just how perfect do you have to be to try swinging? And would you even be interested in naughty fun if you were *that* perfect? ;-) Lots of swingers are normal (not perfect) people, with normal (not perfect) relationships.

 

Also, problems in long-term relationships can be due to boredom and lack of communication. Swinging can actually improve these things.

 

If you felt pressured to try swinging to satisfy your partner's needs, that would be a red flag, but if you're both willing, I'd say go for it!

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Let me share my own experience, for whatever it's worth...

 

My wife and I had tried swinging "before" and stopped when we decided to start a family. Some years later, our marriage hit a low patch. She had a one night stand, in part to break us up. It didn't work out as she planned. Instead, we reconciled, we talked, we rebuilt trust and eventually got back into a good place with our marriage. Later, we started swinging again and it's been great.

 

I'd say you have to separate swinging and cheating in your mind, because they are two very different things. Cheating, for me, is something that happened when our marriage was weak and broken. Swinging is something we do now that our marriage is strong and whole. All relationships have their ups and downs. If you feel yours is in a place of strength, than do things that you enjoy together... including threesomes and kinky sex if that's what feels right for you. If, on the other hand, you have the idea that swinging will somehow prevent cheating, don't do it because it won't.

 

My $.02. Take it for what it's worth.

[CuriousBabe 28]

I’ll be honest, I was bracing myself for some negative feedback so I’m really glad to see so much support! In talking together so far it seems as if the affair did stem from him wanting/needing to feel something “forbidden” and feeling as though I wouldn’t be into it (a fair enough assumption considering he has brought up scenarios in the past during sex and I have always been shy about it).

 

Sun&Moon - thank you for your honest thoughts. I truthfully would never have thought of any of those details and as much as I want to be optimistic I’m grateful you brought them up.

 

Overall though, this has made me feel so much better about the direction we are heading. So, on that note, any advice on how to start off slowly? We both are really into the F/F/M scenario it seems. I was thinking maybe a date night to a nice strip club where I could get a lap dance and see how things go? I have literally never even kissed another woman so I don’t know how far I’ll be comfortable with going right away.

[Judy39 145]

That's right, go to a nice adult club with no other expectations than to have fun, then see how it goes and maybe come again to the same or a different club. Many people come and just watch at first because the first experiences can be overwhelming.

[luvin eye full 140]

Just a thought - why did the affair start? have you fixed those things 1st? How long has it been and have you both reconciled your feelings about it?

 

It's great you guys can start again or i should say restart what is all ready there in your harts.

 

But do not use swing as a cover for the things that still need working on, hmm

 

If your back in the grove with each other and now think hey lets do this to have some fun - then let it be for that reason and only for that reason - make sure you guys have looked at everything else in your relationship 1st.

And lastly have a agreement that what ever happens in this new venture stays there - so it does not effect your rebuilding of your marriage.

 

Best of luck to the both of you.

[CuriousBabe 28]

luvin eye full - it’s only been about a month and a half since I found out and we are still in the process of working things out. We begin seeing a marriage counselor next week. I think that we are in the very early stages of working on our own relationship, and EXTREMELY early in the discussion of opening up our marriage. The conversations we’ve been having on our own have lead us to the topic of swinging, and from what he’s saying is that the affair began because we got stuck in a rut, the attention from the other woman stroked his ego and it all took off from there. The thing is, I had the same feelings of being unfulfilled but I turned it all inward. So we obviously need to work on communication.

 

When you said not to use this as a cover for problems in our relationship, that sums up exactly what I’m worried about. I think I’m looking for an outside perspective since I can’t really look at my situation objectively. So it’s really good for me to get both positive and negative feedback. I’m honestly surprised at how easily I’ve been able to begin to forgive him (not totally over all of the dishonesty yet but I’m making progress) and that the discussion of threesomes doesn’t do anything but turn me on. That’s what makes me think this is something thay would be a good thing for us to share.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Dear CB...

 

Welcome. You are approaching a difficult time in your marriage with a calm that is unusual. Quite remarkable on many levels, and bravo.

 

A year ago, we posted some reflections on marriage and swinging. We were not dealing with the stress of cheating, but rather looking back on decades of marriage. The essay is here: Swinging: Consensual non-monogamy within marriage It may help frame thinking--not about the past, but about your future.

 

Kind regards.

[luvin eye full 140]

luvin eye full - it’s only been about a month and a half since I found out and we are still in the process of working things out. We begin seeing a marriage counselor next week. I think that we are in the very early stages of working on our own relationship, and EXTREMELY early in the discussion of opening up our marriage. The conversations we’ve been having on our own have lead us to the topic of swinging, and from what he’s saying is that the affair began because we got stuck in a rut, the attention from the other woman stroked his ego and it all took off from there. The thing is, I had the same feelings of being unfulfilled but I turned it all inward. So we obviously need to work on communication.

 

When you said not to use this as a cover for problems in our relationship, that sums up exactly what I’m worried about. I think I’m looking for an outside perspective since I can’t really look at my situation objectively. So it’s really good for me to get both positive and negative feedback. I’m honestly surprised at how easily I’ve been able to begin to forgive him (not totally over all of the dishonesty yet but I’m making progress) and that the discussion of threesomes doesn’t do anything but turn me on. That’s what makes me think this is something thay would be a good thing for us to share.

 

Ok with that in mind here are some things that may help

 

The Bad 1st

 

Swinging will never make up for a bad/stuck/stagnate etc.. sex life - on this alone i would say stay away for now.

Cheating and all that comes with it - trust etc... - see above

Other emotional crap that comes with the above - again sty away from swinging for now.

 

The Good bits

 

He stopped cheating - great

Hopefully you have stopped thinking of it as well

You are now talking about things that need to be covered - Great work!

you are both willing to try again - this is the best news out of every thing. because it implies you still have love for each other.

 

So lets really look at it - you guys were / are in a rut ( lol after 30 odd years of marriage i know something about that too )

So instead on communicating he has a affair and your thinking about it. You go your own ways when you should of come together - i know you know that now.

 

So the communication is the number one fall down here, why because ....( only you guys know why ) for the wife and i it can be that we take each other for granted sometimes -

Now we have gone through the ruts we now know to talk it out as some as we / one of us feels that way - Our marriage comes before anything else - even new partners to take our minds of the ho hum of day to day life.

 

 

For what it's worth i would say to you guys put the swinging on hold for now and rekindle the marriage 1st - because having sex with new partners comes with some new emotions as well and i think it may distract from what your tiring to do now that is rebuild.

 

Take some time just for the two of you - lets face it your not going to lose your killer looks in a year are you? nor will your husband lose his will he?

 

so you can agree to have a go at swinging next year and really put the effort in now to your marriage - you will not be disappointed - in fact it will be the best thing the both of you have done in years i bet.

 

I think you guys will make it and be a stronger and better adjusted couple once you rebuild and then that will lead to great fun in the LS but only if want it.

Best of Luck

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Love, trust, communication. That's all you need. Complete love, trust and communication (easy said...). Step one is to fix this first, then, maybe, after things are repaired you can think about taking the next step, but don't put the cart before the horse. Swinging is a magnifying glass: it will make a great relationship grow even larger, but it will also enlarge any crack or fractures that exist and can easily burn a relationship that isn't rock solid. While it is good to have a goal, rebuild and repair the relationship first and foremost before taking that step towards swinging. It's great that you are willing to try and repair things and even more amazing that you would consider swinging as a partial solution, but it shouldn't be thought of as a solution...it's more like a hobby (and shouldn't ever be more important than a hobby). We wish you both the best of luck and hope that things work out with you both. Let us know how things are going.

[CuriousBabe 28]

Fundamental Law - Thanks for this, I look forward to reading through the essay for some perspective on the road ahead.

 

Yes, I’m a little shocked at myself at how calm I am and how reasonably and honestly I’m able to talk with my husband through everything. My hope is that this is some indication that we will be able to work through our issues successfully.

[CuriousBabe 28]

Love, trust, communication. That's all you need. Complete love, trust and communication (easy said...). Step one is to fix this first, then, maybe, after things are repaired you can think about taking the next step, but don't put the cart before the horse. Swinging is a magnifying glass: it will make a great relationship grow even larger, but it will also enlarge any crack or fractures that exist and can easily burn a relationship that isn't rock solid. While it is good to have a goal, rebuild and repair the relationship first and foremost before taking that step towards swinging. It's great that you are willing to try and repair things and even more amazing that you would consider swinging as a partial solution, but it shouldn't be thought of as a solution...it's more like a hobby (and shouldn't ever be more important than a hobby). We wish you both the best of luck and hope that things work out with you both. Let us know how things are going.

 

I completely agree that we need to fix our issues first and foremost. It doesn’t feel as though we want to use it as a solution per say. I think that it stems more from fantasies we both have been having but, due to a breakdown in communication and unfortunately us drifting apart, both of us were too fearful to share it with each other. I think my big concern is how OK with this I really feel considering the circumstances. I guess I feel a little weird or abnormal that a month after I discovered the affair, we are having seriously fantastic sex regularly and I’m totally on board with swinging. I feel like I should still be more upset maybe?

[Alura 2,774]

I feel like I should still be more upset maybe?

 

Only if you want to delay fixing the problem, CuriousBabe. My vote is for "put it all behind you and forge ahead... together."

[luvin eye full 140]

I completely agree that we need to fix our issues first and foremost. It doesn’t feel as though we want to use it as a solution per say. I think that it stems more from fantasies we both have been having but, due to a breakdown in communication and unfortunately us drifting apart, both of us were too fearful to share it with each other. I think my big concern is how OK with this I really feel considering the circumstances. I guess I feel a little weird or abnormal that a month after I discovered the affair, we are having seriously fantastic sex regularly and I’m totally on board with swinging. I feel like I should still be more upset maybe?

 

and that's why many are saying just work on the marriage before the LS -

Best of luck

[CuriousBabe 28]

Thanks again for all of your input, everyone has been so helpful. We begin counseling this weekend so I’m hopeful that will be a good start to the process of repairing our relationship. ?

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Good luck as you both move forward and remember to keep us up to date.

[ErikaAndPeter 104]

Because you have already received some very sound advice, I will not say much. I just want you to know that it is possible to enter the lifestyle successfully after an affair. I had two affairs with former boyfriends, and continued both times even after being found out and promising to stop. Eventually, I did stop because of the damage being done to our marriage, and we worked on repairing and strengthening our relationship. As others have said, my husband had no objections to my having sex with other men. The deception and lack of communication was the problem.

[PB&J 1,086]

Your situation sounds almost exactly like what we went through 10 years ago. And we're still together and going strong. We jumped into swinging pretty fast, but then took a step back for several months before really getting started on what has been 10 years of making good friends that we also fuck. You can do this.

[CuriousBabe 28]

Thanks Erika&Peter and PB&J!! It’s really nice to hear from someone that experienced the same thing.