Bad experience, pushed past my comfort

[Stargazer899 16]

Last night, we had a couple come over who was more experienced to come talk to us about the lifestyle, with no pressure to do anything. I think we initially gave them too much credit, thinking that they would be really good with newbies, not being pushy, making everyone feel comfortable.

 

 

When they first arrived, they were not at all what I expected, personality wise (we already saw their picture). I wasn't really attracted to either of them and kind of wanted to call it a night. We had some drinks, and my husband basically kept the conversation going. The only thing the woman said was, "Mhm." At one point, the man said his gf should give me a massage, which was fine with me, but I didn't want them to get the wrong idea. My husband was constantly checking in with me, making sure I was okay. At one point, we were both making out with our own partners and then moved onto blowjobs. The two of them started crowding around me and touching my breasts, which I was fine with, but again didn't want to give them the wrong idea.

 

 

At one point, the man steers me towards him, and even though I wasn't really feeling it, I went along with it. Part of the reason was because I knew mg husband really wanted to try swinging, and I didn't want to be the buzzkill for everybody there. But being with this man didn't turn me on at all. Things escalated so quickly that I didn't even have time to decide if I felt comfortable or not, and I certainly didn't feel comfortable pulling my husband aside at that point. After we swapped partners, both pairs did oral. I didn't feel jealous watching my husband with another woman, but I also didn't feel turned on. At no point did the man ask me if I was okay with it. At one point, he tried to sit me on his penis to have sex with me, with no condom in sight, which was incredibly disrespectful. We didn't do anything more than soft swap, even though they were hinting at it, and my husband was on board. I had no desire to have sex with the man and didn't particularly want my husband to full swap either. As things were winding down, the other couple started getting dressed rather abruptly, before my husband had a chance to finish.

 

 

We talked things out afterward and my husband said he was really surprised we did as much as we did. I told him that I really wasn't attracted to either of them and didn't really get much out of it, but definitely stepped out of my comfort zone. I did not like how pushy the man was being, how he didn't ask if I was okay at all, and how it didn't really seem okay to him if nothing had happened. It seemed like he came with an agenda. I also really didn't want any cumming in the mouth or face, which my husband knew, but the couple didn't bc we didn't talk about boundaries. At one point, the woman was going down on me, and the man tried to come on my face. I turned and it ended up on my collarbone, but that was not what I wanted at all.

 

 

That night, every time I woke up, I couldn't fall back asleep. I felt really alone, even though my husband was being extremely loving. Towards the morning, I started crying uncontrollably, mostly due to the fact that I realized I didn't want to be with another man and I didn't really want my husband to be with another woman, even though he seemed to enjoy himself. I wanted our intimacy back, not shared with anyone else. He said that it was totally okay if we never did it again. I hate that he found this thing that he enjoyed, just to have it taken away. I keep replaying all the things that my husband was doing with the other woman. It didn't bother me at the time but now, it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.

 

 

How much of my feelings are due to this incompatible couple and how much is it due to the fact that I'm not cut out for the lifestyle? I really don't want to try it with another couple just to feel this way again.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . How much of my feelings are due to this incompatible couple and how much is it due to the fact that I'm not cut out for the lifestyle? I really don't want to try it with another couple just to feel this way again.

The information provided in your story is not sufficient to allow a judgement as to whether or not you are cut out for the lifestyle. But I read enough into the story to make me feel confident to lend the following advice: any initial meeting should be at a neutral location such as a coffee shop or restaurant. In that way, nobody will feel free to take liberties. And there will be time to talk things over before a second meeting is proposed or a follow-up invitation is accepted.

 

Most of the mistakes my wife and I made when new to the lifestyle came from being over-eager.

 

I hope this helps.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

First, if you choose to continue down this road, learn from this. Always do the first meeting in a neutral location: a restaurant, bar, or someplace with other (vanilla) people around (not at a swingers or strip club). This way you can find out if there is any mutual attraction. Pictures really don't say anything about what a person is like. We've met some people who looked great in the picture but in real life...ehhh, not so much, and others where the pictures were so-so were very fun and sexy in person. Personality is (at least to us) more important that physical looks. Just because a couple SAYS that they have experience, doesn't mean that they aren't a train wreck looking for a place to happen (and the reverse is also true for noobie couples: just because they are new doesn't mean that they aren't ready and will be drama free). We also have a word (or phrase) that tells the other if we are just not interested in a couple (if one of us says pass, we both pass) and to start planning an exit strategy. NEVER 'take one for the team'...never, it's just not a good thing. You will not have a positive experience and your partner will usually be discouraged that you were doing something that you didn't want to do. If you DO find that both of you are interested (and assuming that the other couple is also interested) this is a good time to talk about boundaries and limits with them so it doesn't become a problem the next time you get together. Also, don't ever exceed your rules and limits unless you can talk to each other about any changes OUTSIDE of a sexual situation. Most couples will find that their rules will change as time goes on and you find out how you feel about different situations (we, like most couples, had a 'no kissing' rule in the beginning but as we became more comfortable with watching each other with someone else, we decided that this rule was no longer needed). We usually limit all communication to take place between the two men or the two women, but never between one guy and one girl. Once again, it's just less potential for drama this way.

 

If you do decide to see a couple again and in a more private situation, it's best to spend the money and get a hotel room. Until you really get to know the couple better, you don't want them to know where you work or live...can you say 'stalker'? While it rarely happens, once again, it's better safe than sorry. So now you are meeting them at a hotel: ALWAYS ask permission. It's hard to go wrong if you are asking them (both of them) if it is okay to do something with one of them. It will also usually be returned in favor by them. This way if there is something you don't want to do or are feeling uncomfortable with, you can just say 'I would rather not at this time'. Both of you should also 'check in' with your partner to make sure that they are fine with what is happening (just a mutual glance is usually enough, but don't be afraid to say something or even 'call a timeout'). All four of you should be able to talk about what is happening...you are all adults and there for the same reasons. If you don't feel comfortable TALKING about sex, you most likely shouldn't be HAVING sex together. Sometimes, even with a couple that you have played with before, you may not be 'feeling it' that night. Say something (like 'I'm just not feeling like playing tonight'), most couples will understand and you can just have a 'vanilla' night talking...it's okay to just be friends as well. NEVER do anything you are uncomfortable with. A post follow up with the other couple afterwards (like the next day or two) is a nice touch. Just to make sure that they are also doing okay with anything that happened (and it's just polite).

 

Usually, this will prevent drama from happening. If, however, one of you just isn't 'feeling it' afterwards and wants to pause or even stop doing this, it's okay. This isn't for everyone.

 

He said that it was totally okay if we never did it again.

 

Why can't you just take this at face value? You don't believe that you are more important to him than playing with others? I know that if my partner asked to stop, I would in a heartbeat and only love her more because she was willing to even travel down this road. Quit selling your man short and believe what he has told you. Take a break, and after awhile IF you want to try again, spend the time to find a couple that you connect with and do things better the next time...or not. If you don't want to try again, then you (and most of the rest of the world) might not be cut out for this, and that's okay as well. I would be willing to walk away in a second and would only think about how great my woman is for even being open to try this. Trust his words, communicate with him, and the reuslt is you will just love each other more.

 

We wish you the best with whatever you both decide to do. Please keep us updated as to what is going on from here.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Give yourself plenty of time to process what happened, you'll be clearer on your feelings and why your feeling them after a few days, don't pressure yourself or feel like you have to say yes or no to swinging , I would have recommended a slower start to be sure, we have been visiting clubs for over 6 months and have only just got to the stage of doing oral with others , might seem slow going to others , but we're happy with it and that's all that matters

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Never move fastest than the slowest person is comfortable with.

[Sereno & Rider 26]

I just posted our first experience that has been a game changer for us. We talked about a lot of things before. We set the rules and talked about changing them. We talked about BOTH having to be comfortable with a single or couple. We chose a Club that had security and the others knew the general rules and respect for others. NO MEANS NO! I'll bet that the "guy" KNEW that you were not comfortable, knew that you were new, didn't talk about things......... and he took advantage. Really to bad that you had this bad experience. Much more talk with your hubby and I suggest you change your approach to swinging.

 

This is from a new swinger couple? Ya. We did some years ago and wife and I really didn't get into it that much due to similar situation so didn't do more until now. Different approach, knowledge, understanding, rules and environment makes a huge difference. And we BOTH have to click with him/her/them and them with us. IMHO.

[Newcouple17 101]

Last night, we had a couple come over who was more experienced to come talk to us about the lifestyle, with no pressure to do anything. I think we initially gave them too much credit, thinking that they would be really good with newbies, not being pushy, making everyone feel comfortable.

 

 

When they first arrived, they were not at all what I expected, personality wise (we already saw their picture). I wasn't really attracted to either of them and kind of wanted to call it a night. We had some drinks, and my husband basically kept the conversation going. The only thing the woman said was, "Mhm." At one point, the man said his gf should give me a massage, which was fine with me, but I didn't want them to get the wrong idea. My husband was constantly checking in with me, making sure I was okay. At one point, we were both making out with our own partners and then moved onto blowjobs. The two of them started crowding around me and touching my breasts, which I was fine with, but again didn't want to give them the wrong idea.

 

 

At one point, the man steers me towards him, and even though I wasn't really feeling it, I went along with it. Part of the reason was because I knew mg husband really wanted to try swinging, and I didn't want to be the buzzkill for everybody there. But being with this man didn't turn me on at all. Things escalated so quickly that I didn't even have time to decide if I felt comfortable or not, and I certainly didn't feel comfortable pulling my husband aside at that point. After we swapped partners, both pairs did oral. I didn't feel jealous watching my husband with another woman, but I also didn't feel turned on. At no point did the man ask me if I was okay with it. At one point, he tried to sit me on his penis to have sex with me, with no condom in sight, which was incredibly disrespectful. We didn't do anything more than soft swap, even though they were hinting at it, and my husband was on board. I had no desire to have sex with the man and didn't particularly want my husband to full swap either. As things were winding down, the other couple started getting dressed rather abruptly, before my husband had a chance to finish.

 

 

We talked things out afterward and my husband said he was really surprised we did as much as we did. I told him that I really wasn't attracted to either of them and didn't really get much out of it, but definitely stepped out of my comfort zone. I did not like how pushy the man was being, how he didn't ask if I was okay at all, and how it didn't really seem okay to him if nothing had happened. It seemed like he came with an agenda. I also really didn't want any cumming in the mouth or face, which my husband knew, but the couple didn't bc we didn't talk about boundaries. At one point, the woman was going down on me, and the man tried to come on my face. I turned and it ended up on my collarbone, but that was not what I wanted at all.

 

 

That night, every time I woke up, I couldn't fall back asleep. I felt really alone, even though my husband was being extremely loving. Towards the morning, I started crying uncontrollably, mostly due to the fact that I realized I didn't want to be with another man and I didn't really want my husband to be with another woman, even though he seemed to enjoy himself. I wanted our intimacy back, not shared with anyone else. He said that it was totally okay if we never did it again. I hate that he found this thing that he enjoyed, just to have it taken away. I keep replaying all the things that my husband was doing with the other woman. It didn't bother me at the time but now, it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.

 

 

How much of my feelings are due to this incompatible couple and how much is it due to the fact that I'm not cut out for the lifestyle? I really don't want to try it with another couple just to feel this way again.

 

OMG! I hope you can get past this, I reckon something like that would finish our fantasy for good......I guess you just can't tell.......god I really hope we get lucky with our first meet!

[JandKinBoise 858]

Our first time was horrible too. I think talking about it after and learning from it helped. It really required us to be able to laugh at our ignorance.

Reading your story, as soon as you started kissing, I knew where it was going to go. This was seen as a green light for the other couple I'd bet. Once things get rolling, as you found, it's difficult to stop.

[Newcouple17 101]

Not all experiences are good ones and yes getting carried away does happen.....and so does regretting it the next day!

Some people look for newbies and just take advantage.