Embarrassing first time

[ConcernedBF 16]

My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years (since senior year of high school) and decided to try some new things. We're fairly adventurous and open minded so we want to explore swinging. My sexual experience is limited to my girlfriend and she was with one guy before me. We were both excited to explore new partners together. I couldn't wait to be physical with another female and was excited to see my girl with another guy.

 

We've had several open and direct conversations about expectations and wishes, then began looking for another couple. Basically, I was thrilled that I was going to double my number of sexual partners and didn't have many specific requests other than a bj from both girls at the same time. My girl said she wanted to try DP, and said she's always wanted to get with a black guy (we agreed to explore that one later).

 

We found a nice married couple close to our age that we really liked. They also are new to swinging which was a big relief for us so that we could all learn together. They're both very nice and fun people to be around. The wife is very cute, so I was instantly attracted to her. My girl found the husband attractive so we went home with them.

 

After some drinks and more conversation, each couple started kissing and undressing. I couldn't help staring at the other girl while her husband undressed her. By the time we all got undressed, I noticed a problem. I'm sure everyone noticed. I wasn't even close to hard. It's never happened to me before and I still can't believe it was a problem with two beautiful naked women in the room. The husband did not have an issue. He was fully erect by the time he got naked. My girl kissed me more and tried giving me a handjob but nothing was happening. I was panicking inwardly but tried to act cool outwardly. My girl obviously knew this wasn't normal and did her best to calm me down by whispering dirty talk into my ear and even encouraging me to check out the other girl. She said "you get to fuck that hot girl." I know she was trying to help but my nerves went through the roof and I got a nervous sweat across my brow.

 

I tried to get my mind off my flaccid penis by going down on my girl while masturbating my dick. The other couple did the same. I ate my girl for what seemed like forever but my stupid dick wasn't any closer to an erection. There was no more ignoring the problem. The girls asked what they can do to help. I even went into the bathroom to see if I could get things going alone. Talk about awkward. I actually fought back tears while in the bathroom. I walked back into the living room feeling embarrassed and very awkward. They were all sitting there waiting for me and very clearly disappointed. I'd never seen the look that on my girl's face. She was so disappointed and obviously embarrassed that her twenty-five year old boyfriend is impotent. I said the three of them can still have sex but the wife wanted someone new along with her husband. They were nice about it but the disappointment in the room was palpable. I've never felt smaller.

 

Since that night last week, my problem has persisted. I feel like I lost my manhood that night and haven't been able to perform. I feel terrible that I did that to my girlfriend. I know how much she had been looking forward to it. I have no idea where to go from here because I feel like the only way to fix the problem will be to get hard in another swinging situation but am terrified the same thing will happen. My girlfriend is sympathetic and nice, but I can't imagine she will be much longer. She kept texting the married couple for a few days and even asked for another chance but they aren't interested. They're looking for another couple.

 

I know this situation is uncommon but can anyone shed some light? Have any guys out there gone through slumps like this or am I dealing with a larger problem? I have an appt to get some viagra but I'd like to get back to my usual self and not feel so emasculated.

[crazednymphos 38]

It is possible that performance issues are somewhat more common the first time with another couple. Doubt it is a long term problem. 1st time jitters?

[ConcernedBF 16]

I didn't feel nervous which is what worries me. I've really blown the issue up in my own head over the last week and would love to start swinging but am terrified to try again.

 

Also, I'm brand new here so I can't send PMs yet but I appreciate the messages!

[Erik13 157]

It happened to me the first time with another couple too. Don't worry about it too much or you'll make it worse. It's also pretty shitty that the couple won't give you a second chance.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

It sucks, really really bad, but it happens. Contrary to the every male being a constant drooling horndog just waiting to stick it somewhere stereotype, it just doesn't work that way. Swinging is a very strange thing and very powerful, you can literally be quivering with excitement...in everywhere but where you need to carry through on that excitement.

 

It is worse your first time with a couple. Usually the less time you have spent with the couple, even down to measured in minutes, then the higher the odds of it happening.

 

It's really really unpredictable, which is why it sucks so bad. Easier said than done, but the more you think about it, the worse it gets, so just try to relax and take more time with your next experience and everything will likely be fine.

[Wornsilver 219]

You mentioned that it is "uncommon." NOT SO!! If you read posts on this site, you will find that this happens a lot, it happened to me, and it happens without warning and the unexpected characteristic makes it even more of a head game.

 

Thankfully, you have a supportive girl friend. Keep working on being a participant with your girlfriend, remember that you have a tongue and fingers as backup. Saying, "don't worry or be nervous" is almost a command for me to be nervous and worried. Just keep trying. Good luck, and it isn't permanent.

[dan63 106]

IMPROVISE, OVERCOME, and ADAPT

 

I sure as hell hope you were not planning on getting your dick hard and just sticking it in the other wife and going to town. Foreplay buddy, foreplay. Lead with your tongue. I wouldn't be surprised if after about 10 minutes of giving her the best you got you probably won't notice it at first because you have been busy, but your cock will have gotten hard.

 

I have never been in a swinging situation (there haven't been that many) where I didn't start out by licking well before the fucking started. This is true whether little head is working or not.

 

Not being able to get hard would NOT be a game stopper for me.

 

I do hope you are also giving your girlfriend that same treatment even when you are alone with her. If not, learn.

[ConcernedBF 16]

Thanks everyone. Good to know I'm not alone in this problem. I'm thinking about suggesting to my gf that we explore her BBC fantasy so that way if it happens again I won't spoil the night for another couple. I can't figure out if I was nervous because of only being with my gf so far, and I was about to get with someone else for the first time. Or, if it was the other guy in the room. At least if I am hard with only one other guy, I know it's the new girl aspect. If I still can't get hard, at least it won't affect the sex that night.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I can't figure out if I was nervous because of only being with my gf so far, and I was about to get with someone else for the first time. Or, if it was the other guy in the room.

 

I'd try to not fixate on trying to figure it out (know that's hard), but if I had to guess, it was all of the above. Purely recreational sex, with your wife/gf's permission and participation, what's not to like and what could possibly go wrong? Answer to the latter is just about everything!

[JandKinBoise 858]

This would have been your second woman to have sex with. This was going to take place in a swinging situation with new emotions and unknown expectations. A situation where most men worry about coming too soon, here we are, flaccid.

I know when it happened to me, (the first time in high school) I was astounded. I was always hard, but here I was, looking at a hot, naked, willing woman, flaccid. Then again in my first 3way.

Don't give up on these guys. Go on a couple non-sexual 'dates' and get to know them a little better. Once you are really comfortable with them, the rest of you will cooperate.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

You (probably unknowingly) put a ton of pressure on yourself with this being you second woman and your first swinging situation (and your first time with a second live penis). While you may not have known, your subconscious did. The brain will also play tricks on you as well. While you are seeing the hottest thing imaginable, your brain will also say that it can't be happening and not pass on the info to the rest of the body. All of these things are 'normal' (and they SUCK!). Now that it has happened, you keep worrying about will it happen again...so it does (self fulfilling prophecy). The bigger question is how to fix it. Here 'search' is your friend since it has happened to dozens before you. The basics are quit watching porn, quit masturbating (if you are doing it), and stop putting the pressure on yourself (much easier said than done). More extreme solutions include talking with your doctor (there IS a pill for this). While it may be hard for you to ask, they are totally used to being asked and usually won't blink an eye. Bottom line is it's all in your head and you just have to get it worked out, hopefully with the help of a patient girlfriend.

[luvin eye full 140]

The problem is now he wants to have a 3way / BBC and has already thought oh well she will still get a good old scew even if he can not get up!

 

That is not doing this together in my book and i feel he needs to work out why before going back to any thing - he all so says that he could not get it hard for a week or so with just the gf -

 

When i read his post it sounds like a wild cuck story lol - but if not then there are self worth issues that need addressing before they try again.

 

To the OP

 

Have you been able to get hard with your gf yet ?

Does your gf really want to screw a stranger that much that when you could not get up she ( and the others ) were as disappointed as your post makes out or is it just you thinking that?

 

There is so much in your post that points to low self worth that i wonder why you did this in the 1st place? be honest and have a real good look at how this idea started and see if your not just for filling a insecurity ( even if you did not relizse it )

 

Let us know these things and how you feel now - i/we all want to see you and your girl get the best out of the LS

 

Lastly i think your gf probably does not see it the way you do - eg losing your manhood - trust her.

 

Good luck to you both

[Judy39 145]

Performance anxiety is very common. Don't worry too much about it, it's not just you

[Scaredstiff 129]

You were definitely worried about this situation beforehand, maybe subconsciously, you were putting way too much pressure on yourself, you say you got undressed and didn't have a hard on? So what? Why were you alarmed by this? Sometimes I can be in a room full of naked people and not have a hard on, quite often it takes more stimulation than usual because there's so much going on all around us , like information over load, next time just try not to worry so much, drink less and try focusing on just your girl for a while, but to be honest you come across as being quite upset about it , so I think jumping into the next swinging situation may not be the best idea

[ConcernedBF 16]

Thanks for all the advice! It helps knowing other guys have experienced this as well. We decided to try again with another couple and have a date to meet another one. They seem nice and we've agreed to just meet without anything sexual the first night.

 

I don't normally lack self confidence. I think it boils down to relative lack of sexual experience. I've only had the one partner so some insecurities have surfaced at the opportunity to have more. So, if the same thing happens I think it'll solidify I'm not cut out for group sex (even as badly as I want to be).

 

Yes I've been able to get hard with my girlfriend after that dry spell (thank god). I decided to wait on the viagra and drink less like everyone has advised. My girl still has the fantasy of being with a black man but we're going to wait until after we meet this couple before exploring that any further. Not an exciting update but there it is

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Thanks for the update. We wish you the best and look forward to another update!

[samandtammi 99]

This is 100% normal!! The first time my husband and I set out to swing we met a very hot couple. My husband is very over sexed (well, we both are) and he was really excited to have an opportunity to be with this woman. We met them at a club and went back to their hotel room. As soon as we got through the door, the other husband started taking my clothes off and we got right down to it. My husband could not get an erection. Just like you, no matter what he did, it was not happening. We left and he was mortified. He spoke to some men in the lifestyle and they told him when you are in a situation with another couple, be the first one to get down to business. Do not watch your wife or it will distract you. Concentrate on the woman you are going to play with, and drink very little alcohol. This couple gave us a rain check and he followed their advice. He had no problem the next time, or there after. Good luck!

[padoc 1,703]

Sometimes its just sensory overload the first time. I know this is hard for new couples but consider separate rooms for the first encounter. Of course, that takes a higher level of selectiveness and maybe a bigger investment of time to develop more trust but it does reduce the level of stimulation to more "normal" parameters. I'll bet that most men who have experienced failure to launch in their first swinging encounter have NEVER had that issue occur with 1st time sex with a new partner before marriage and delving into this hobby.

[ConcernedBF 16]

We met the new couple and they were very nice. They've done this before which is a little intimidating to me but they were very down to earth and ok with us being newbies. My girl and I told each other (and the other couple) there would be any physical contact the first meet up. Admittedly, I tried to go back on that and suggested to my girlfriend that we get a room but she kept me in check and said no. The girls have texted a couple times since we met and think we'll try to meet up soon!

[ConcernedBF 16]

Well, it happened again. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. My girl and I hung out with the new couple again and we all went back to our place. I felt great this time. I got along well with the other guy and his wife is super cute. I couldn't wait to see her naked! I only had three beers throughout the night to up my chances for an erection which meant my nerves were crazy. Things started with us guys going down on our girls. I was eating my girlfriend and was about halfway hard. The couple suggested we swap so us guys got up and traded places. I saw that he was rock hard and I went soft.

 

I went down on the other girl trying to clear my mind. Kind of embarrassing to say but it was the first time I'd ever tasted a female other than my girl. I jerked my stupid dick while I ate her out and got a little something going when she wanted to suck my dick. The girls stood up and us guys sat down on the couch.

 

I was fixated on my girl as she put the other guy's cock in her mouth. Of course, he was perfectly hard. The wife in front of me put my half hard dick in her mouth and did the best she could. She switched and used her hand to try to get me hard but it didn't happen. However, I did discover that I can come with a soft cock. I didn't know that was possible but I did it! Watching my girl work the other guy drove me crazy in the best way possible. Combined with the naked cutie in front of me put me over the edge. She laughed a little which was understandable. I was mortified again.

 

My girl kept sucking the other guy until he finished as we watched which was very sexy. I loved that part of it! I was relieved the night wasn't a total waste because of me. The other couple fucked and got each other off while I stayed soft.

 

I don't know what to do. The experience was very hot and I enjoyed parts of it but it's not looking good for me.

[oc1234 435]

Have you ever thought of separate rooms? That way you could be free of the distraction of what your wife was doing. You may like to watch what she is doing but you don't want it to distract you to the point that you can't focus enough on the other woman to get excited by her.

[BabeAndApe 70]

The first several times Babe and I played at a club (first kink clubs then swing clubs) I could not perform. I wasn't nervous per se, but men need to be in the right "head space" as much as ladies do get their mojo rising. It was all too new and too much. It was also distracting. If their are people shrieking with laughter or trying to outdo porno moaning, groaning, and screaming in an unnatural fashion I can usually expect to have a hard time getting into it. The causes of an erection are psychologically and physiologically complex. Without the insanity-inducing hormone levels you have at eighteen being comfortable, confident, and aroused a prerequisites to action. It took a good while to be comfortable. Also, I've found that Babe can get into the mood over the course of an hour and knows what she wants to do. I am a bit of a slow-mover by comparison. Don't be afraid to give yourself some extra time to get to know the lady and prolong the flirting and foreplay.

[machiavel55 81]

First, I think that because you've only really had sex with one woman, your gf, you are very nervous before every sexual encounter with others and your 1st time with another couple has made it worse.

 

You say that you felt great before the 2nd time but often, those negative thoughts and fears are in the back of our mind just waiting to pounce. Also you had only 3 beers....don't limit alcohol, eliminate it.

 

I don't know how much time went by between both swinging attempts, but male sexual confidence can be very very fragile.

I've seen in my 30+ plus years in and out of the LS, some of my buddies have ed embarrassing meets and sometimes it has taken many months of sex only with their SO to completely flush the fears from their minds.

 

I recommend rebuilding your sexual confidence by being only with your gf and doing it properly, you cannot rush that process, it will take months, maybe a year. Maybe a sex therapist could help. It's your sex life, it's worth taking care of it properly.

 

Finally, you mentioned your gf wanting to experience a black man, which means a huge penis.

You may think no worries, he takes care of her, even if I don't get hard I'll enjoy watching them.

 

If he blows up her world sexually, while you may be aroused by watching, it may be, after the fact, very destructive for whatever confidence you have left. It may actually even cause confidence problems when you are with your gf.

Please, don't do it now. She's young too, if she cares about you, she should wait.

 

Male sexual confidence should never be taken lightly. Just google it and learn, take your time you will both benefit from it.

Here's an article...there are tons of them,

https://ca.askmen.com/dating/dzimmer_700/722_sexual-confidence-and-ejaculation.html

[Eddiem 139]

Look nerves do not help. When enjoying my first 3some with my wife and a friend I came in like 30 seconds in her mouth. They had just started... I worked at pleasing her and finally got the dog ready again.

[Joey T 4]

On 1/4/2018 at 4:16 AM, Eddiem said:

Look nerves do not help. When enjoying my first 3some with my wife and a friend I came in like 30 seconds in her mouth. They had just started... I worked at pleasing her and finally got the dog ready again.

 

[Joey T 4]

I was nervous my first time also until my girlfriend took the first plunge. She was very jealous of me even talking to other females in the past. But she finally began to understand that i would never leave her.  so i was nervous at first until she started sucking the other guy. then i became rock hard and had a great time.

[njbm 2,879]

Wonder if the OP stuck with the lifestyle? He posted in 2017. If I noticed this thread in a timely manner, I would have seconded other posters on the Viagra suggestion. I am 62, never need it with my wife (human Viagra), always use it swinging. It’s a lock. 

[djjwp 129]

I know this is a VERY old post but for those reading and may be reading it for the first time...

Relax, it happens.  I was in a pool with a couple I knew and the cold water killed my dick. She wanted a DP and that was also new to me so... relax and breath.  

 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2021 by djjwp