Trying to get my wife to be more outgoing

[Gandt11 16]

We're a young couple who've been partially active in the lifestyle for about 2 years now. When we first started looking we almost immediately found a couple we paired with very well and had great fun with them. But since then all we've done is talked about it and look on AFF every now and again with nothing ever happening. She seems to have somewhat lost interest even though she says she wouldn't mind if it happened again, she just doesn't go out of her way to look. She seems almost completely unmotivated towards it and rarely brings it up. She says she wants to lose weight and get herself in better shape and that will help her get more interested in it, but I think she's gorgeous and I know others would think so too. I want to try and set her up without her knowing, making it seem spontaneous. And I also want her to try and get some guy friends to help her out, but I don't want to come across to bold towards the situation and deter her from it completely. The biggest issue is we live in a small town where I pretty much know everyone and that keeps her from trying to do anything. Any advice?

[luvin eye full 140]

Don't set anything up (not Yet Anyway )

Help her feel good about her self by working out or what ever it takes, basically listen to your wife -

if after you put the effort in to help her overcome what she thinks is a weight problem then she will feel,

A. you have her back and this will also go into everything in your marriage.

B. she will feel better about her self.

 

Then talk about swinging after that.

Best of luck

[Guest]

In my experience, the vast majority of women don't think about sex the same way as guys do.

 

Yes there are some very sexually confident women, yes there are some women who love sex, some women who fall into the category of been sex addicts, but we are perhaps talking about 5% or maybe 10% of the entire female population, the other 90% of women take a much more relaxed view about sex.

 

That to them sex is not on their top priority list, where sex is concerned they can take it, or leave it.

 

 

They say women have a natural urge inside of them to have children, this is not true of EVERY WOMEN, but sure a huge amount of women do grow up with the urge to produce a family, a lot of young women dream of having a family, plan having a family before it even happens, think of children's names before they are even pregnant. That most animals / living things have a desire to reproduce, even germs and viruses have a desire to reproduce and stay alive. Were talking Lion King the circle life type stuff here, and sure a lot of women not only have a urge to have a family within them, but from a young age many women are taught that in life we grow up, we meet someone we love, we get married, we have a family, we live happily ever after, which many of us know doesn't always work out to be exactly true.

 

However if women have some kind of natural desire to reproduce then that is only 50% of the deal.

 

For example imagine a world where every man walked around and wasn't interested in sex, where every man had extremely low to none existent sex drives, if men didn't have a string urge to have sex then where would all the babies come from?

 

With this in mind it seems nature, evolution, or even God if you like has created a strong powerful urge in men to HAVE SEX, we are the other 50% of the baby making formula.

 

Often a women's desire to have babies, and a man desire to have sex is basically how babies are conceived.

 

 

THE POINT BEEN......

 

Women do want sex, but their reasons and desires regarding sex are often a lot different from a mans, that just having sex for fun, just having sex for sex's sake is less of a priority to a women than it is a man. That us guys do generally think about sex every day, us men dream about sex, think about sex, want different types of sex, want different sexual partners, want to fuck every sexy women out there, us men take great joy out of having sex, where women's motives are a little different, that the actual sex part is less of a priority to women.

 

Some years ago there was a study carried out by the Archives of Internal Medicine and according to their findings:

 

36.2% to around 40% of women admitted they don't actually like having sex at all, that they see sex as a chore / job to please their husbands, or to make babies, that means nearly half of women don't even enjoy sex that much at all.

 

The study also found that only about 40% of women reach orgasm my penetrative sex, this means when us guys are having sex with women a massive 60% of them don't even orgasm as a result.

 

Speaking from a mans point of view if every time you had sex you didn't orgasm then how long would it take for you to become board of sex, it would seem most women reach orgasm by external playing and even that can be difficult.

 

 

If you look at those facts alone then nearly half of women don't even enjoy sex, and over half of women don't even reach an orgasm during sex, but guys into swinging suddenly expect their wife or girlfriend to put sex right on the top of the list of priorities.

 

 

I know how frustrating it can be to have strong interest in swinging and group sex only to be with a partner who never talks about it, never gets excited about it, never wants to discuss it, doesn't chase the subject with you. But hey that is life, and that is perfectly visible in 90% of normal dating situations.

 

I mean how do most relationships start?

 

- The man wants sex and finds a certain women attractive

- The man approaches the women a makes a move / asks her on a date / asks for her number

- The women maybe likes the man, or doesn't like the man

- We go from there.

 

That actually about 90% of the time its the man making the first move, the man initiates contact, the man chases the women, in many cases the women was having a perfectly nice time drinking and dancing with her friends, in many cases the women didn't go out looking for sex, but a man who sounded nice approached her and 10 years later she is married to that man and has 2 children with him.

 

That even in normal dating situations its often the man making the first move, the man doing the chasing, and the women taking a more relaxed approach.

 

Men have a "We must get sex" kind of attitude, where women have a "Maybe I'll have sex if the right man came along" type of attitude.

 

That generally sex on its own is lower down the list of priorities for a women, or at least that is my take on the situation.

 

 

That whilst us men are thinking about sex, thinking about exploring more sexually, women are thinking about sex on occasion, but also thinking about a family, future, friends, their job, hobbies, pets. That in fairness a lot of women these days put their family members, pets, friends right on the top of their priority list.

 

Some years ago now I did a social study of my own, in my younger years I worked heavily in nightclubs as a doorman and at times a barman and every women I met I'd ask the same question to.

 

Here was the question.....

 

"What are the 5 most vital things in your life?"

 

 

Most women answered that question in virtually the same text book way:

 

1. My Friends

2. My Family

3. My Pets

4. My Phone

5. My Nights Out

 

What I noticed is that in 99% of cases the women's boyfriend or even husband wasn't even on their list, that sex wasn't even on their list. In over two years asking that question I think one girl in total actually put sex as one of her top priorities,, and perhaps 1 or 2 women actually bothered putting their boyfriend on the top priority list.

 

It was actually an upsetting time for me, figuring out that a huge majority of women actually rate their pets / phone / friends as been more vital to them than the person they are seeing. That in many cases me as a man are lower on the list than a dog or cat, lower on the list than a phone.

 

During my time working in nightclubs I met various married women who didn't even mention their husbands on their list of priorities, again that man is less vital than a pet or phone.

 

I'm not saying women are bad, I'm simply saying women have a different way of prioritising things, that their list of priorities is often different to a mans.

 

 

I ALSO THINK.........

 

That a lot of women don't prioritise sexual things as a way of avoiding accountability, for example.

 

If a women says:

 

"Sure I really like fucking guys, sure I'd like to have sex with different men, sure I enjoy having a nice large cock inside me"

 

Then later when her and the boyfriend do argue the man will often use those comments as ammunition, that sure at the time the women admitting her true feelings about sex was amazing, fun, horny, exciting, then when the couple argues it is quickly turned into a weapon, now she is a slag, now she is a dirty whore, now her desire to fuck people means shes a cheater.

 

Also.....

 

If a women does admit that she enjoys sex, does admit she wants to sleep with other people, and when it happens IT GOES WRONG!!!!

 

Then the women is free to turn around and say....

 

"Well this was YOUR IDEA not mine"

 

 

I personally think for a women opening up about sex can be a tricky situation, I mean sure there are thousands of women out there who would probably love to run their hands up some new young fit naked man, there are millions of women who would take great enjoyment reaching into a sexy mans underwear, but they can not really admit that openly because it doesn't take much for a women to be branded as a slag / loose women / cheater and so on.

 

 

I ALSO THINK..........

 

 

Men sometimes make a terrible mistake by trying to put swinging / sex / group sex on the very top of the priority list.

 

Remember that whatever is classed as a top priority causes even more damage when it topples down or goes wrong.

 

If you think of a pyramid, then what do you think about? Well you think about the point at the top, you think how an entire pyramid built built up of thousands of bricks all to support this one brick at the very top, the pointy end. BUT if that brick at the very top falls off then not only does the pyramid suddenly look a bit shit but that brick falls the furthest and has the potential to do most damage.

 

So by trying to make SEX be a top priority us guys perhaps cause a lot of pressure, lot of danger, that if for whatever reason your wife or girlfriend doesn't want to explore sex as much then her saying no is suddenly a long way to fall. In life its a known fact that the things we place high in the priority lists often fall.

 

People do lose houses, people lose jobs, sometimes children die, people do become sick, family members do die, and usually its those things that we put on top of the list, those things we class as been top priorities that hurt us the most when they come crashing down. With that in mind trying to put sex / group sex so high up in the priority list could be setting yourself up for a fall.

 

In my experience a lot of women spend time worrying about their family, worrying about their friends, worrying about their jobs, adding some difficult sexual plan to their list of worries doesn't really help that much it just creates more tension, more worry, more risk of them saying no and the entire thing crumbling down around you.

 

It would be much better for sex / swinging / group sex to be one of the lower foundation bricks, something that is not a big deal, something that is not actually a top priority, something that you can explore whenever you like without needing to talk about it every day, that its a more secure brick, your lives are not supporting this brick, its helping to support your lives. It doesn't matter if that lower brick gets bumped and scraped a little because it has thousands of other bricks keeping it in place.

 

I guess the simplest way of saying it is the by making sex or in this case group sex a top priority you are adding more pressure to your partner and to the subject itself.

 

 

OVERALL:

 

 

Yes there are some women who love sex, who are very confident with sex, and yes there are some women who love swinging, but generally they account for maybe 10% of the female population, the other 90% of the female population has a much more reserved and relaxed view about the subject, and in many cases us guys end up dating one of the 90%.

 

That in many cases if your wife or girlfriend has said YES to the entire group sex situation then that is enough. She has said YES so no focus on your time on the other things, that this does not need to be a top priority for your partner, let her deal with her own worries, own life without trying to push this subject up her priority list.

 

That if your partner has said YES then in the background make it happen, don't bother her with subject, don't expect her to give her entire life to this subject, your the man, your the one who wants this, so make it happen, just make sure whatever happens is the best choice for your wife, make sure whatever happens it will be a experience that makes her comfy.

 

In my experience your better playing this subject down.

 

 

"Hey babes I know this subject isn't a big deal, I know in the grand scheme of things its actually not important to us at all, I always put you and our relationship first, this subject is actually way down on the bottom of the list, however maybe it is something we can do together now and then because it could be nice"

 

Your world evolves around you / her / your relationship, not around group sex.

 

My general advice about making this happen is to find out as much as possible about what your wife / girlfriend actually wants and likes from a sexual partner.

 

Find out about your partners morals / desires / what she enjoys / what type of men or women she would go for, for example:

 

 

Would she feel okay about playing with someone who was married / attached / cheating?

Would she prefer the person been totally single?

How would she feel playing with someone who already has other sexual partners?

Does she prefer a skinny man / bigger man / man with muscles?

What hair colour does she like in a partner, blonde, brown, red?

What education levels does she feel most comfy with, normal education level or really high education level?

Would she be okay just meeting someone and having sex with them?

Would she prefer meeting someone and getting to know them first over 2 or 3 coffee dates?

Where would she feel most comfy having sex, your house, their house, hotel room?

Would she prefer someone who is tall, average height, short?

What doesn't she like, do tattoos turn her off, does heavy drinkers turn her off, what turns her off in a partner?

On the flip side what does actually turn her on in a partner?

 

The list goes on.......

 

Basically the MORE you find out about what your partner does and does not want from a partner will then enable you to go out and find a partner she would be interested in, to go out and find a successful match for your group sex desires. The better the person matches your partners list of desires the more comfy with them she will feel, the safer she will feel, the more sexually aroused she will feel.

 

One good example is that I have dated several women who HATE men who wear baseball caps, and view it as been childish and silly, in which case if I wanted a man to join us I'd not be picking one who wore a baseball cap.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but in my eyes if your a man who wants group sex with your partner and your partner has said YES then its kind of your job to figure out what would make your partner feel safe and comfy and then to make that happen without it needing to be on the top priority list.

 

That in many cases your partner doesn't need to open up about this entire subject, you simply need to listen to what she does / doesn't want and make what she does want happen.

[GoldCoCouple 4,064]

Talk to her about this. Maybe she did it just to make you feel happy, maybe there's some other reason. If you can't talk openly with her about this, then that may be the problem. No matter what the issue is, remind her that the two of you are a team and will work together to try and improve things. If she just isn't interested anymore, however, just walk away from swinging with memories of the great experiences you two have shared together.

[Gandt11 16]

Thank you guys, thank you so much. At times I can be overly selfish and start thinking about myself and my carnal desires a bit too much. I know it's something she enjoys also but it's something she has to enjoy when she feels like it, not only me. Put alot of things into perspective, I really appreciate it.