My Partner is against it.

[Chipmunk & Bear 16]

So recently i posted about how excited i was to go and visit my first swingers club, and now my partner has changed his tune is against it. He thinks it is too similar to cheating and does not want to do it. but now i am very let down and angry as i was so looking forward to trying the lifestyle. is there some way i can convince him? PLEASE HELP!!

[adamgunn 1,460]

Short answer, no.

 

If your partner is against breaking social constraints, that's the way it is.

 

The question is, do you wish to pursue other sexual outlets, or keep your relationship?

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

The long answer is maybe. The solution is to try talking about it. Find out why they are having problems with this. It could be that they just aren't 'cut out' for it or it could be that they just feel uncertain and afraid of damaging the relationship. If it is the first, you are done...just accept it and move forward. If it is the second, keep working on your trust and communication. This is a Pandora's box that cannot be closed after opening and they just may think that your relationship is more important than the risk...not a bad thing. Swinging is and will always be a TEAM sport. If one of you doesn't want to play, then don't play. What NOT to do is pressure them or try to convince them to do it knowing that they still don't want to. Make your relationship as solid as you can and then see where you are. Trying to force something will only do way more damage than good. Swinging will show your relationships faults and flaws and trying to use it to cover them will not work.

 

Our short answer: Work on your relationship and then see where you both are.

[luvin eye full 140]

WOW just WOW

[Guest]

Swing clubs are not the only way to try this lifestyle, maybe your partner would feel more at east meeting someone, getting to know them a little, playing at home or a hotel.

 

Watching shit loads of threesome porn is also a good way to desensitise someone to the lifestyle.

 

If you can not watch other people having sex together on a TV then you will struggle to watch other people having sex together in real life.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Greetings.

 

First, we're glad you have come here for insight.

 

Second, we can reflect but only you can respond. There are only two people who really have insight into a relationship--those who are in it.

 

Third, the conversation here really is about the relationship. All relationships have physical, emotional, financial and other aspects.

Sex is a component of a physical relationship. Yet the conversations you will have with your partner will span all of the aspects.

 

Fourth, cheating is operationally defined as doing something without your partner's knowledge and consent. Going and buying an expensive luxury--particularly one that is not shared--without your partner's knowledge and consent is also cheating. Reciprocally, doing something with your partner's knowledge cannot be deceptive; doing it with their consent implies acceptance. Swinging and cheating can both involve sex, but the knowledge/consent aspect of the former makes the two mutually exclusive. The only way that swinging and cheating are "similar" is that they involve physical pleasure with other people.

 

There are two issues on the table that are worth of discussion.

 

First, what does sex represent for the two of you and importantly for your relationship? How are exclusivity and any (marital) vows wired into the fabric of trust?

 

Second, what is your (plural) calculus for pleasure and happiness? Under what circumstances (if any, even in vanilla life) is it okay for your partner to have a better experience than you do? DO you require each other to "take turns" doing fun things? Do you find joy when your partner is happy and having fun, regardless of your current experience? Is sex the only venue in which you focus on each other's pleasure?

 

Good luck.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I agree that going to a club as a first adventure might be a little intimidating to some folks. I'm thinking that you should talk to him and be sincere about his concerns. Do you have couple friends with a wife that he finds attractive? If so, maybe ask him if he'd be interested in playing with them if you found out they were swingers. That might get his attention.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I forgot that I wanted to also say:

 

Cheating is something that you do behind your partners back...in the dark, and involves lies and deception. Swinging is something done WITH your partner as a team. It is only done because they have good communication, love and trust. There are no secrets and no deception. The ONLY thing they have in common is sex. Most (if not all) swingers condone cheating. Swinging and cheating are not even close to being related.

[Baconheads 432]

I forgot that I wanted to also say:

 

Cheating is something that you do behind your partners back...in the dark, and involves lies and deception. Swinging is something done WITH your partner as a team. It is only done because they have good communication, love and trust. There are no secrets and no deception. The ONLY thing they have in common is sex. Most (if not all) swingers condone cheating. Swinging and cheating are not even close to being related.

 

I think you mean most Swingers "condemn" cheating. Not to be the grammar Nazi, but condone and condemn are polar opposites.

[luvin eye full 140]

So recently i posted about how excited i was to go and visit my first swingers club, and now my partner has changed his tune is against it. He thinks it is too similar to cheating and does not want to do it. but now i am very let down and angry as i was so looking forward to trying the lifestyle. is there some way i can convince him? PLEASE HELP!!

 

Ok so some of the guidance here is great, But here is my big problem with your post - and maybe you could let us know.

 

Your are "but now i am very let down and angry as i was so looking forward to trying the lifestyle"

 

Why are you feeling this way what is the reasons?

To be angry at your partner and then want to "convince him" is a huge red flag and shows a lack of understanding and empathy towards your partner that swinging will just blow out into full time split from your partner if not stopped now. ( emotionally or physically )

 

The other thing that needs to be made clear is that no one can convince any one of anything - sure you can get some to agree or do what you want - but to get a person to change there mind is up to them all you can do is show them the why's they should rethink their outlook on anything.

 

Can you clear up these things before any more advice please.

Are you wanting to go to the club together and will he be able to join in or is it just you going?

What do you want out of the LS?

where does this angry feeling come from?

[Chipmunk & Bear 16]

hi there.

my partner and i both agreed to go to a swing club and he has only on the last two days said he is actually against the idea, after already agreeing to it. i had brought both him and i new outfits and planned everything. and the whole aim was to find wither a single bisexual female or a couple where the man just wanted to watch his wife and me. now he is against any of it. i am angry because he changes his mind on a lot of things quickly and without telling me until its too late and i have brought something for the occasion. this is where the anger is from.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Don't get angry, get answers. Talk with him and work on making him comfortable with the idea. Set your rules and limits on the first visit to watching ONLY. Also, it never hurts to improve your communication and trust with each other. Anger is a harsh word. I'm sure that the clothes won't go to waste. You both need to be able to talk things out and come to understandings or you will eventually find that your relationship isn't doing well as he continues to have second thoughts and changes his mind (trust issues maybe?) and you harbor anger because of it. Lighten up, slow down, and work on fixing this first, you can ALWAYS go to a club at any time. Address the bigger issues first and overall things will improve. Let us know how things progress and good luck.

[luvin eye full 140]

GoldCoCouple is right on with the advice they give and i would like to some what re-enforce that as well.

 

Your reacting to this go and stop Not acting on it.

 

That is to say your problems come from some where else not with him going to the club or not (or any bounds he has about sex )

My 1st thought is why would he say yes then no when he's out of time?

 

1st look at your self - are you pushing him?,

Does he think he has to do this to keep his love of his life or does he think if he does not do it you will any way?

What have you done to talk this out with him and why do you not know his boundaries?

 

Now look at what he is doing :

He says yes - you think ok great - then it's no when the time comes. WHY?

 

This comes down to the two of you not being able to talk truthfully to each other, It's not about your sexual wants - though they get sidelined by the main problem.

 

Don't worrie many and i mean many of us have gone though this.

So what can be done to improve this -

 

Stop with the talk of others for now. you need to build up a lot better understanding of each other ( how long have you be together ?)

This will always be the life you have ( going stopping in everything ) if you can not get on the same page AND most importantly listen to each other. it's know use talking if neither can listen.

 

so sit him down with out any reservations and talk about everything - the why's, any boundaries, wants, hopes and dreams - find out who you two are - once you are on that path then you will find he can trust you and you him,

Then and only then will he give you the answers that he means.

 

Lastly - look at it from his shoes also - every time you get upset with him he thinks oh shit if this keeps going on will she find some else.

I think that is the real reason he says yes but at the last minute he says no because it goes over his boundaries. and that's no life to live.

 

Let us know what your thinking and any updates

Good luck to both of you.