Am I too sensitive for this?

[firebird09 37]

My boyfriend and I recently put a profile up on AFF. We put some nice pics mostly of me and we get a fair amount of interest and to a large extent, single men. We have enjoyed couples mostly and one experience with a single man that was pure fun.

My concern is with my boyfriends obsession with the site. He is on there multiple times a day and will share what is happening with me. Recently we came across a couple my partner is interested in. To be honest there are not many couple he is not interested in particularly when the woman is younger. He won't even look at couples where the woman is older than me or at least 6 years his junior.

He always makes me type the messages and is preturbed when my writing doesn't suit him. I will ask if there are pics of the man and he will then go... oh right.

He is a fast mover and is soon texting face pics of us and ensuring I am doing the writing. YesterdAy he hit the jackpot. A nice looking couple and a blond woman to boot. He seems to have a thing for that. He was texting back and forth with the man of the other couple and I saw my bf type... wow you Are a lucky man. In my head I thought... what am I? Chopped liver? Really? It is my pics that get all the attention from the couples and men. This hurt me and perhaps I am just too sensitive. At times I feel like I am just bait for him to get it on with women. There is no way to bring this up with him as he is extremely dramatic. I have felt this way before and just don't know what to do. I enjoy the fun we have but there is this underlying feeling his motivation to swing with me is off.

Please only advice that is not judging or harsh.

[JandKinBoise 858]

Hello. Please don't see this as judgy, cuz it definitely isn't. Most swingers are married, many of them for a long time. The fact that this is your boyfriend helps me to understand your feelings. I'm sure he is totally into this for himself using you as his ride.

In order for you to feel secure in a swinging lifestyle, you must feel secure in your base relationship. By your comments, I don't get the impression he is the guy you will be with for the rest of your life.

Keep an open mind about swinging. This should be an adventure that you share equally. There is a guy out there, many many guys in fact that only want to see you happy and sexually pleased.

If you don't feel like you are in charge of the lifestyle, you should put the brakes on. Just my $.02

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

You are not being too sensitive. And to paraphrase Gertrude Stein, an obsession is an obsession is an obsession. Obsessive behavior is not healthful for him and it is harmful for you. You both need to examine your relationship.

[adamgunn 1,460]

I agree with the above posts. Tell your partner what you are thinking, attempt to get him to see your point before you take it further.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

How many time I have to say the same thing. Swinging REQUIRES and abundance of love, trust, and communication. Usually this only comes from being in a long term relationship of at least several years (there are always exceptions, but this is more true than not). That it's your boyfriend and it sounds like you are both young does not help in establishing the basic love/trust/communication triangle. Granted, most people (usually men) are somewhat obsessed when they are given the green light to start down this trail (they want to 'do it' before the other changes their mind), but it sounds like he is a little too obsessed. He needs to slow WAY down and only you can tell him that.

 

He always makes me type the messages and is preturbed when my writing doesn't suit him.

 

'Always makes me' doesn't sound loving and 'perturbed' sounds even less so.

 

In my head I thought... what am I? Chopped liver? Really?

 

Sounds like he has forgotten how lucky HE is for having someone who is even willing to consider this (and doesn't sound very loving again).

 

At times I feel like I am just bait for him to get it on with women.

 

You may very well be but this is a total lack of trust.

 

There is no way to bring this up with him as he is extremely dramatic.

 

Once again, a lack of love and trust. I'm trying hard not to be judgemental and negative, but the bottom line is neither of you should be doing this right now. Until you can openly talk without either of you shutting down, until you both can shore up your relationship and increase the trust you need for each other, you need to at least put this on hold. Swinging is a magnifying glass: it will make a great relationship grow so much larger, but at the same time, it will make any cracks or weaknesses so much easier to see. Continuing down this path at this time will most likely damage if not end your relationship. Good luck and let us know how things go. We wish you the best.

[Judy39 145]

I've got mixed feelings about this. I wouldn't write messages on behalf of the couple unless I genuinely wanted to, and even then it would be at my pace, using my own words etc. I don't see why you should do this. If your partner wants to check the site and write more often, then he can do so himself.

 

However 'you are a lucky man' in my view is a standard phrase from one man to another to show appreciation and to say thank you to the other guy for the willingness to share his woman. Basic politeness really. I don't see how this then implies that you're a chopped liver.

 

My partner prefers younger women too, I don't personally see a problem with this. In swinging people are generally a little more direct and honest about their preferences than would be acceptable outside the swinging scene. That's just how it is. But if it cuts out too many good matches for you then maybe talk about it and see if you can agree an approach that suits both of you in a more balanced way.

[firebird09 37]

Thanks for the candid reply and I understand your point of view. Yes you are right that is is standard practice for one man to say to another you are a lucky man but that is something I typically hear single men say to a couple. wHen you swing as a couple the comment would have been so sweet had if he said ...we are both very lucky men. That way you show respect for your partner and the other couple at the same time. The way my partner commented made me feel like I was the odd person out. He needs to remember he wouldn't be in this position if i was not a part of the equation. Just because we swing doesn't mean it is a license to behave is a disrespectful and unempathtic way.

[firebird09 37]

How many time I have to say the same thing. Swinging REQUIRES and abundance of love, trust, and communication. Usually this only comes from being in a long term relationship of at least several years (there are always exceptions, but this is more true than not). That it's your boyfriend and it sounds like you are both young does not help in establishing the basic love/trust/communication triangle. Granted, most people (usually men) are somewhat obsessed when they are given the green light to start down this trail (they want to 'do it' before the other changes their mind), but it sounds like he is a little too obsessed. He needs to slow WAY down and only you can tell him that.

 

 

 

'Always makes me' doesn't sound loving and 'perturbed' sounds even less so.

 

 

 

Sounds like he has forgotten how lucky HE is for having someone who is even willing to consider this (and doesn't sound very loving again).

 

 

 

You may very well be but this is a total lack of trust.

 

 

 

Once again, a lack of love and trust. I'm trying hard not to be judgemental and negative, but the bottom line is neither of you should be doing this right now. Until you can openly talk without either of you shutting down, until you both can shore up your relationship and increase the trust you need for each other, you need to at least put this on hold. Swinging is a magnifying glass: it will make a great relationship grow so much larger, but at the same time, it will make any cracks or weaknesses so much easier to see. Continuing down this path at this time will most likely damage if not end your relationship. Good luck and let us know how things go. We wish you the best.

 

Such a great response and makes a lot of sense. I need to work with my partner and our communication style. He is difficult and throws little tantrums if I oppose his point of view. I think we need to take a break and see it we can help our relationship.

[cplnluv1 872]

If you think you are being too sensitive it obviously means you aren't happy with what he is doing. I don't know how long you two have been together. Is it possible he is using your willingness to go along with his fantasy a reason he is with you? Are you his entree into the lifestyle? You should have the say to who you are meeting. I am guessing you are enjoying being with couples or are you doing this for him? Are you Taking one for the team. We steer away from couples that only post the female pictures or pictures of the individuals. If you want to meet couples you should be the one choosing and then he should give you his feelings on the couple. Just seems it is all him making the plans.

[firebird09 37]

If you think you are being too sensitive it obviously means you aren't happy with what he is doing. I don't know how long you two have been together. Is it possible he is using your willingness to go along with his fantasy a reason he is with you? Are you his entree into the lifestyle? You should have the say to who you are meeting. I am guessing you are enjoying being with couples or are you doing this for him? Are you Taking one for the team. We steer away from couples that only post the female pictures or pictures of the individuals. If you want to meet couples you should be the one choosing and then he should give you his feelings on the couple. Just seems it is all him making the plans.

 

You make some valid points and yes it feels as though his fantasy is the basis of what we do. He is usually the one who finds other couples and will share with me. What I find is there are maybe one or two obscure photos of the man and many of the woman. We Always have to ask for more. Once we engage that is where I find he takes over and gives his phone number which is fine. But I am left out of the conversation at that point and the focus goes right to the woman from the other couple. He could care less if I find the man attractive or not. That is why I think he is into this to appease his desire to sleep with many different women. He knows on some level I am crucial to make this happen. When we meet he is very good at making the woman feel wonderful but doesn't as much as even look my way. I guess this is what it is all about but if things are not going well for me he is typically shocked. And gets a little frustrated with me.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

He is difficult and throws little tantrums if I oppose his point of view.

 

Really? A sure sign of adolescent controlling behavior. You two are (or should be) a TEAM and should always remember that. In the case of Ms. Gold and myself, I would always take her needs and wants over my own (and the same goes for her with me). It doesn't sound like he is playing well with you, let alone others.

 

When we meet he is very good at making the woman feel wonderful but doesn't as much as even look my way.

 

Ms. Gold tells me almost every day how much she appreciates me and the things I do for her (and I do the same to her). Even little things, like her doing the laundry. Okay, so it is one of her chores and it saves me from having to do it, but if she didn't do it, I would have to so I appreciate that she takes care of it and I don't have to even think about having clean clothes. When you start taking the little things for granted, it's not long before you start taking everything for granted. Glad you are taking a break, you both need to remember how important each one of you is to the other. If he can't remember this, then maybe he isn't a match. Good luck and keep up the updates.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sorry your boyfriend sounds like a selfish jerk. Too many red flags in all that you wrote to count, but they've already been pointed out by others. That said I also see some red flags from you that indicate that really neither of you are probably ready for swinging (let alone together).

 

While some couples do go out of their way to make sure EVERYONE is involved in all communication, it's the exception more than the rule. More often than not it's one partner doing the majority of the communicating with others (whether writing/answering messages or texting/chatting).

 

On the same token it's an unfortunate truth that most profiles are full of pics of the females and us females have to dig to find pics of the males. My current theory is that most couples figure that both halves of the other couple are interested in their female.. while only one (if any) are interested in their male.

 

There is a LOT within swinging that you can easily get your panties in a wad over if you let yourself. But, the red flags I see about what you've shared are less about the lifestyle than they are about your relationship. I agree you probably do need to take a break from swinging and get your relationship in order, get your communication in order, and make sure you are both on the same page about what you want from swinging.

 

Swinging or not, if your boyfriend throws little fits/ is overly dramatic/ makes a stink if he's not getting his way / or any other way you want to put it, he's an immature child that doesn't know how to communicate.

 

He should not be MAKING you do anything, especially nothing related to swinging. If you feel like you have to do something to keep the peace this relationship is so unhealthy it's not funny. RUN! RUN NOW! RUN FAST!

 

Now, that I've said all that... why do YOU want to swing? What do you want out of it? Why did you start in the first place?

[Thenotoriousdud 25]

OMG, I swear you sound just like a couple we met a few weeks back. I can completely see this lady in your post. Honey, swinging is about the ladies IMO. I believe that it is meant to make you all feel, sexy, empowered and able to seek pleasure without guilt or negative feelings. We guys have been allowed this freedom throughout history. If it doesn't make you feel fantastic it's not worth it. Speak your mind, tell him what you are feeling. It sounds like there would be no swinging without you, use your power.