Interested in swinging but so much action centers on the penis and mine is lacking

[benkenobi 15]

I'm 35 and appear relatively healthy (minus belly weight), but I am a recently diagnosed diabetic and have difficulty getting and maintaining an erection. This issue is compounded by the fact that while my penis is about 5.5" fully erect it is just 1.5-2" flaccid, leaving not much to work with to start in the first place. I've come to terms with my size and my thoroughly average body shape (not being self-critical, just honest), but I don't know how I can have confidence - let alone actually participate - when my penis is so fickle. Even during sex with my wife, I often have to masturbate myself to get hard, and I have to "use it or lose it" so to speak. And even that doesn't work sometimes. How can I expect to perform with a new partner when nerves and condoms are on top of these other issues? (Viagra, etc, aren't options due to diabetic heart issues.)

 

I am otherwise very interested in the lifestyle, but where does someone like me fit in? I am not into cuckolding or humiliation. People see me and think because I'm a young guy I'll be virile, and instead I'm anything but. I tried a threesome with another couple for the first time last night and it was a total failure. Nerves were certainly a factor as well - I had literally met the couple just 10 minutes beforehand - but I know that nerves aren't the only issue. How does someone like me get pleasure out of the lifestyle without disappointing people constantly or having to explain my penis doesn't work well and asking for patience over, and over, and over again?

 

Honestly, it just makes me sad because I am otherwise eager to get into swinging, if only my penis would cooperate. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

[JandKinBoise 858]

I was very eager to be a fighter pilot. My dreams were dashed when my eyesight was found to be horrible. Sometimes we simply can not do what we would really like to do. I'm not saying that it's impossible for you to jump into the LS but it would be trying for you. My little dick has served me well, always rock hard and ready to go. That is until I found myself in the most erotic situation in my life, and he was asleep. Maintaining an erection can be troublesome even for the most skilled participants. If you have trouble in your day to day sex life, those problems will probably be amplified in a swing.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

The way I see it, you've got two issues. You're stressed out and you have a body image issue. Body image issues aren't just for women. Take a deep breath, relax and tell yourself - I am ok.

 

Now, put the penis away. The penis does not have to be central to everything. In fact, the penis doesn't have to be involved at all. With two hands, lips and a tongue you can do wonderful things for a partner. Focus on that. Tell your partners that you just want to pleasure them with your hands and mouth. Do so and observe and enjoy the great pleasure they get from it.

 

This, I think, will help you find the self-confidence you need. As that self confidence grows, you will be able to enjoy yourself more.

 

(Also, the average adult male human penis is about 5.1 inches when fully erect. So that's it... you are on the high end of normal sized.)

[padoc 1,703]

There are very few situations in swinging where a dick that doesn't work is a welcome thing. One would be a cuck scenario with you being the cuck, the other would be a FF situation where the women were interested in their play only and you get to watch. Suggestions??? Do they still have penis pumps that are surgically inserted? There was like an 80 year old guy that used to frequent Trapeze who walked around the back with a hard on that lasted for hours. I found out that he would inject something in his dick before going to the play rooms. The guy would sometimes boink several women, one after another. A doctor friend told me what the drug was but I've since forgotten. Before accepting that you'll never be a fighter pilot, maybe you should visit a urologist.

[Guest]

1. Smoking: If you smoke then stop smoking, many people who suffer erection problems are suffering those problems because they smoke. That does include smoking tobacco, pipes, cigars, or even weed. If you do smoke them you need to stop totally and after a few months you will begin to notice a big difference in your erections.

 

2. Gym: This is the most difficult aspect but basically losing weight will help greatly where erections and self confidence are concerned. However when I say "Go to the Gym" I do NOT MEAN go to the gym once a week for 20 minutes, I do not mean go to the gym 10 times in a month and then give up. I mean go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week and do not stop. Make sure you are losing weight and becoming stronger and fitter. This might mean going to the gym 4 or 5 times week for 12 months maybe even longer if your very over weight, losing weight and becoming healthier will help you maintain erections.

 

3. Pelvic Floor Exercise: Read into doing pelvic floor exercises for men. Perhaps the best way to describe pelvic floor exercise is when a man stiffens and stops himself from peeing. Pulling the muscles around your penis in and out, working the muscles around your penis. This again is not a quick fix, constantly do pelvic floor exercise over a 12 month period and that will help.

 

4. Stop Masturbating: Cut down the amount your masturbate, instead rather than masturbating do pelvic floor exercise. Masturbating is not building up the muscles around your penis.

 

5. Vitamins: Consider taking multivitamins, this complied with exercise and pelvic floor exercise will give your body what it needs to repair muscle and may effect erections.

 

6. Diet: Consider going on a diet, if you go on a diet and go to the gym as well you will begin to lose weight which in turn will effect your erections.

 

7. Viagra: I know you have said Viagra isn't an option, but are you actually SURE its not an option? Have you spoken to a proper doctor about this? One thing is for sure if you go on a diet, if you go to the gym, if you lose weight and become stronger, fitter, healthier then a doctor will be more inclined to prescribe you erection based drugs. Remember your not going to take Viagra every day, your not going to take Viagra 3 or 4 times a day, you only use Viagra when you need it. That actually you might take Viagra once a week which you need to explain to your doctor. Viagra should be viewed as on occasional helper not a drug to be used everyday, there may even be erection based drugs or remedies that are safe for people with diabetes to use.

 

 

 

OVERALL:

 

If you truly can not use drugs, even small amount of occasional erection drugs, then becoming healthier / losing weight / working the muscles around your penis is your best option, but its not a easy or quick fix, it could take 12 to 24 months working out before you notice any significant change.

[luvin eye full 140]

Hi

The advice here is great the only other things i could think of is:

 

Have you tried a cock ring? there are also ED pumps - google it.

 

At just under half a foot your doing ok man lol,

 

Also what does your wife say about all this?

 

Regards

[PSULioness 857]

I wonder how many men worry about their size and ability. Size when flaccid is not an indicator of what you grow to and 5.5 is not small. I am more troubled when a man is overly large than someone that is average like you. And men, I can tell you your not the only ones who obsess about what we are given. Breast size or even vagina parts are troubling to some. The first time I was with a guy who wouldn’t get hard I thought it was me doing something wrong. It was before my swinging life and with a guy I wanted to be with. Afterwards I wondered why he couldn’t. I did research and maybe it was nerves or drinking or a health reason. Even back then we found a way to play. He did plenty of foreplay. He was open to orally please and he did please. I got him semi hard a few times but never enough to make it work. I think the added pressure only made it worse for him. I assume you are able to orgasm. I think you would have been happy as he was, I am pretty sure I was the first to give him the bj he wanted.

I never told any of my friends about his “problem” and I never had a conversation with his future girlfriends.

[benkenobi 15]

Thanks everyone. Just to clarify, I'm not really worried about my size, just performance. Size when flaccid factors in because it means there's less to physically work with to get me hard if it's not happening on its own (which is most of the time). I did used to feel concerned about size, but I think my difficulty performing really put that into perspective: I'd be happy with just about any reasonable size if it got hard and stayed hard when I want it to.

 

I definitely need to get healthier and I'm sure that would help. I look a lot healthier on the outside than I am in reality, and frequenting the gym more often would make at least some difference. At least I don't smoke.

 

Quitting masturbation would be very hard since it is the only truly reliable way I can get off, but perhaps if I can manage then it would help to have a lot of built up sexual desire?

 

I haven't asked my doctor specifically about drugs, but I know my heart health is poor and that's the reason diabetes is listed as a warning on all of them. You're right, though, that I should ask specifically. At the very least, perhaps if I'm able to make improvements I could reach a point where I'm cleared for drug use.

 

One other thing I think I can work on is reducing anxiety. I've only been with a few partners so far: my wife and I have been together since high school, we had sex with a female friend of ours a few times in our 20s, I had sex with a stripper a few years ago (yes, protected!), and then there was my recent failed attempt at a threesome with a couple I met while visiting an adult theater. I'm sure that my health issues are compounded by just having nerves from lack of experience. Any tips on getting more comfortable without being in situations where I'll feel pressure to perform?

[cplnluv1 872]

If you do a search on here you will see you are not alone in the “problem”. Not every man is able to be hard when the time comes. Some it’s just the fear that increases the problem. Some it’s health issues. I think most women on here will say they have encountered more than once a man who just couldn’t. I won’t say it’s not frustrating at times. I do feel for the guy if it happens. No man purposely doesn’t get hard. At least I hope it’s not on purpose. I have found that most men will try harder to please in other ways. Most of the couples we meet have a female that is bi and oral is always involved.

[Scaredstiff 129]

I think somebody mentioned pelvic floor exercises? They will almost certainly help, a pump can help too though in moderation, don't expect your cock to grow overnight but it will improve the hardness of your erections if combined with doing the pelvic floor stuff, Google "jelqing" that will help with your cock size when it's soft and therefore help with your confidence

[cplnluv1 872]

Just wanted to add, our first couple was with the male who was very well endowed. He got very hard and lasted a few seconds. I normally wouldn’t make a comment about that but he was an asshole. Give me a smaller soft guy who is nice any day over that

[benkenobi 15]

Just wanted to add, our first couple was with the male who was very well endowed. He got very hard and lasted a few seconds. I normally wouldn’t make a comment about that but he was an asshole. Give me a smaller soft guy who is nice any day over that

 

Heh, well I think that's good news for me then I was thinking about this some more today, and I think maybe the situation with the couple at the adult theater was an especially bad environment for me. When I had sex with the stripper a few years ago, it was after my diabetes diagnosis and after I had started seeing issues with my erections, but I was still able to get it up and manage well enough and I think that's because it was a no pressure environment - she was getting paid regardless and there was foreplay, in a sense, with a few dances and talking beforehand. Obviously in a swinging situation there will always be a greater expectation to provide pleasure to the other person, but I could certainly seek out scenarios where we ease into it rather than jump right in like we did last week. That, and finding a woman who appreciates receiving oral: the woman in the couple last week didn't get any enjoyment out of oral so I was just at a loss in terms of how to please her.

 

You've all helped quite a bit - reiterating some things I already knew I needed to work on, suggesting some new things like pelvic floor exercises, and easing my anxiety a bit. Thank you!

[Maybe 23]

Good luck to you on this. Don't forget to have your 'T' levels checked. I am a very healthy and fit 55 year old. But, I get SottePelle pellets every 6 months to raise my hormone levels to the normal range.

 

My wife and I want to play if the right situation arises. But, I also worry about performance anxiety if the situation is not right. We are sensual people who like slower seductions. Aggressive people would be a turnoff for us. With that said, watching my wife perform with someone else (M or F as she is an exhibitionist) would probably remove any performance anxiety issues as that would be a super turn on for us both. A MMF or MFF may actually be better for us with my wife as the center of attention.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I definitely need to get healthier and I'm sure that would help. I look a lot healthier on the outside than I am in reality, and frequenting the gym more often would make at least some difference. At least I don't smoke.

 

Always a good plan and it doesn't hurt (much) at all. In the end you'll be better off anyways, but think of swinging as a motivation.

 

Quitting masturbation would be very hard since it is the only truly reliable way I can get off, but perhaps if I can manage then it would help to have a lot of built up sexual desire?

 

In a word, yes. Too much masturbation and/or porn 'desensitizes' one from desire and doesn't help the stamina either. Of course, easier said than done (same goes for exercise)

 

I'm sure that my health issues are compounded by just having nerves from lack of experience. Any tips on getting more comfortable without being in situations where I'll feel pressure to perform?

 

Practice, practice, practice...The only way to get comfortable with anything is by proper preparation (see above) and practice. Everything you need to do is going to be good for you and your body (and most likely your partner), so get started. If being able to have sex with other people isn't motivation enough, then nothing will be able to motivate you.

[lcmim 1,082]

You said 1.5 to 2 inch flaccid? Hey buddy I barely make it up to 2 in when I'm rock hard most of the time a bit less than that. Lengthwise I'm just about 6in too I've gotten all kinds of wows with that. Lifespan of committed relationships has never been less than 3 years and I'm going on 35 now. I routinely drive my wife into near unconsciousness.

 

What you were born with is absolutely no excuse for not being able to satisfy that woman you're with. The diabetes thing the soft erections, I can see how you might see that as a problem. You do however, I assume, have hands tongue arms legs and all the other usable components. You should be able to successfully Rock someone's world.

 

I've even found that even my freshly shaven bald pate can have an interesting effect.:-)

Enthusiasm my friend!

If you Dive Right In and I do mean Dive Right In you will probably get called back for seconds.

[lcmim 1,082]

clarificaton"im going on 35 in my last post . I meant 35 years in my current relationship,