Are we that scary?

[Newcouple17 101]

Firstly we would like to say that we've really enjoyed reading the stories and forums here. This is one of the reasons for posting here.

A little about us. We have been together since school and I (the husband) has been with 3 others, including my wife and she has only been with me. We both have fantasies and for a while we've been fantasising about swapping with another couple. We've tried advertising and we have been inundated with messages from guys (which have been extremely flattering), but couples have been more elusive. We want to be completely honest from the start, but it seems that while guys seem to find our lack of partners irresistible, couples run a mile!

Why is this? Are we missing something?

We feel its important to say as obviously its a big step for us.

Any thoughts or are we just getting everything completely wrong?

[JandKinBoise 858]

Welcome to the Swingers Board! I'm going to guess that an experienced couple may have, at one time, played with a new couple. With a new couple, one never knows how it is going to go down. Thinking about your wife having sex with someone else and seeing it is completely different. No one wants to be in a situation with a jealous spouse. Maybe you guys should try a club. This way you can break your news after getting to know a couple. Good luck! Keep us posted on how it goes for you guys.

[Newcouple17 101]

Yeah I guess, but I've never been the jealous type?

We just thought people might understand our slow/cautious start if they knew?

[Erik13 157]

We started with me watching my wife with a single guy. They're easy enough to find, and that way you can see if you're ok with your wife and another man.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Our first experience was at a club. Although we didn't play that evening, we made contacts and had a foursome swap at their house ten days later. After that, it was off to the races . . .

 

I can't recommend starting to find couples at a club highly enough.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

If you are including your lack of experience in your profile, that will be your problem. Leave that out! Couples are trying to avoid drama, and your lack of experience is a warning sign for drama (especially since they don't know you like we know you ). Make sure that you stress that you both have been wanting this and are ready to move forward and take action on this. Saying that you have limited partners (this will be her second partner total) just screams potential drama (not knowing how either of you will react). Of course, make sure that you are both ready and are going to be 'drama free' before you do move forward. Have you tried contacting other couples yourself or are you waiting for them to come to you? Clubs (as already suggested) are also a great way to get started (as long as the club is a good club). Anyways, let us know how things are progressing for you both and good luck.

[Newcouple17 101]

Yes this scenario would be so much easier, but my wife insists on us both going with someone different on the same occasion.

[Newcouple17 101]

We have been thinking about a club, but we're both a little on the nervous side and neither of us want to be overwhelmed.

[Newcouple17 101]

We just felt that if we explained why we're quite nervous the other couple would be a little more understanding. This doesn't mean that we're not ready, just taking things slowly. We've actively looked and even made contact a few times.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

If you are including your lack of experience in your profile, that will be your problem. Leave that out! . . .

I too will recommend this.

[padoc 1,703]

We've never had an issue with new couples. We were new ourselves once and were quite surprised by what we saw going on at our first club. We were also so turned on that we locked ourselves in a room and boinked like newlyweds….twice. The next time we went to a different club that had stick-on name tags, red border for 1st timer/blue for returners. Several couples approached us and were very open and friendly even though we both had that "deer in the headlight" look. One couple, a few years older than us kind of adopted us and made it a point to seek us out each time we were at the club and always asked how we were progressing and were open to questions. Eventually, they invited us to a group room with them and another couple. We weren't ready to swap but we were ready to get naked in a group. We stayed to one side of the big bed, we watched, played with each other, and eventually did a bit of touching with the two couples while they boinked and swapped. It was the most erotic thing we had ever seen/done. After that night, we were hooked. Next time we soft swapped with that couple and it was wonderful. We eventually met another couple with whom we got comfortable enough to finally swap in the same room. We're STILL friends. The point is that for most couples, this hobby is a progression. We understand that as do many of our friends and we (and they) don't mind investing a little time and consideration in helping new couples find their way. Our advice…go to some on premises clubs, be friendly and approach people (" hi, this is our 1st time here, do you mind our asking…..?"). As a conversation progresses be up front about what you'd like to do/see. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how many nice and genuinely interested and kind couples you'll meet who also want to have sex with you. Remember too, this is YOUR journey, go at YOUR speed. You owe no one anything except honesty. Let us know how you are progressing.

[njbm 2,877]

We like to be kind to newbies. But since many newbies have experience in the subject at hand, we are sometimes wowed by their prowess!

[Guest]

You could perhaps start TWO different profiles.

 

The first which fully explains your situation, that lets people know your not that experienced, that your looking to take things slow.

 

The second, just a basic profile that leaves out your experience levels.

 

 

Use different pictures on both profiles and see the results.

[padoc 1,703]

So, in other words, you're saying they should be less than honest. How is that productive for them or for the people they meet? Use different pictures and see the results?? Is this a social experiment? How is that different from posting a profile leaving out other pertinent information like, I don't know…..maybe the wife weighs 300 lbs or one of them has a social disease and a heroin addiction yet the profile reads d/d free or the posted picture is 20 years old and 170 lbs lighter. We expect honesty from people we meet to possibly get naked with. We'd be more than annoyed.

[Newcouple17 101]

We have fantasised about swinging/swapping for many years and I don't think either of us would be happy advertising ourselves as anything other than truthful.

[Newcouple17 101]

Yes progression is exactly how we view this and we'd hate to have a bad first experience, as I don't think we'd be able to move on to the next! We have given visiting a club a fair bit of thought, but having read (a lot) peoples reviews and stories we're more than a little daunted by the prospect of initially walking in and then having pushy people try and get us to do stuff that we're not ready for......apparently that happens??

[Newcouple17 101]

Well we've certainly put in the hours practicing! lol

We really need a nice, patient couple to be kind to us!

[Newcouple17 101]

Theres quite a few people saying that perhaps we should be economical with our profile or maybe even lie, but neither of these options are for us. We have fantasised for many years and taken those years to get to being ready for the real thing and we both want to be completely honest with each other about what we each want to get out of the experiences and how we both feel along the way. We may be showing our lack of understanding/experience, but we also need to have a good connection with the couple that we intend to share each other with. Therefore we feel that we have to be completely honest from the outset and throughout as we are definitely not looking for hundreds of different partners, just a select few.

[Newcouple17 101]

We are definitely not prepared to lie or intentionally lead anyone on. We expect anyone wanting to meet us to be honest, so we think thats the least we should do ourselves.

[Newcouple17 101]

I think I should point out that we're grateful for all suggestions and advice, although I'm pretty sure that our replies aren't linking to the original posts.....

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

DO NOT LIE. That's starting everything off on the wrong foot (it doesn't sound like you are willing to trod this path anyways). While we haven't seen your profile (maybe tell us where to look so we can offer suggestions?), there are ways to do this and ways not to do this. Don't make a big deal out of how neither of you have much experience, make a big deal about how you are both on the same page and ready to do this with your eyes wide open. No drama, both parties ready to take this next step, both of you working together. Talk about how you've both been in a committed relationship for years and have been talking about doing this for (insert how long here). How you have together decided that you want to take this next step together and are looking for another couple who is interested. Say what you are looking for and looking to do...FWB or just sex, same room sex/soft swap/full swap. It's also okay to say that you want to start with something (say same room sex), but are ready to do more with the right couple, or that you just want to take it slow. Minimize the potential drama part but say what you want while downplaying your 'inexperience'. That shouldn't really matter anyways. You are both good at sex, aren't you? How many partners you have had (or haven't had) shouldn't really matter. Neither of you are monsters or live under a bridge, are you? Be positive and keep what you think are negatives to a minimum.

 

It SOUNDS like you are both really nice people who have been in a long term relationship and after years of talking about this fantasy are ready to take the next step and explore it and are looking for another couple to make this a reality. Am I close? If I am, then build on that. If we are mistaken and you really are a couple who doesn't have much experience with sex (and are probably not very good at it) and are hoping to find others to teach them how to do it better, or that the man is trying to get his wife to allow him to have sex with other women without him having to actually cheat on her, or she is 'letting' him do this 'just this one time' to get it out of his system, or you are both scared that you haven't had the chance to 'sow your wild oats' (or any of a dozen other bad examples of a couple about to crash and burn)...well, it's not going to do what you are hoping for. Personally, I think it's the first choice...

 

As for a club, nobody is going to try and make you do anything you don't want to do. Most people will ask if something is okay to do before doing it. If they don't, then everything STOPS and play time with them is over. I don't know what you have read, but most swingers are the nicest people you will meet (after all, they are trying to make a good impression so they can get into your pants...just like dating). Set your rules and limits, share that info with whoever you are interested in, and stick with it (and walk away if someone cannot honor your rules and limits). The scariest thing you may ever do will involve standing outside of a club...until you walk into it. Then you will realize that it really wasn't that scary.

[Newcouple17 101]

No we're definitely not prepared to lie, but we also believe that we should let any potential partners know that we're not used to sharing each other. We think that everyone involved has certain perceptions of what they want and how they want it? After all we dearly believe that for us to truly enjoy and get the most out of this, the other couple has to enjoy the experience as well, after all there not just there for our pleasure?

We have been together for over 25 years and although sharing/swapping/swinging definitely started out as a bedroom fantasy, its developed into both of our fantasies, with my wife moving things forward and shall we say fine tuning our desires into something we both really want.

My wife doesn't want hundreds of partners particularly and we both want same room full swap, as we're both looking forward to watching the other with someone else.

We've read some really good reviews about some local clubs, but they all mention being followed around?

We've spent so much time imagining swapping, we never thought it would be so hard actually setting it up!

[BabeAndApe 70]

One can be honest and market at the same time. How about...

 

"We would love to meet experienced couples who can show us the ropes!"

 

You can include how solid your marriage is, how turned on by the idea both of you are, and indicate you want a drama free introduction to the lifestyle. I would bet some couples will respond. Babe and I met a somewhat older couple who were delighted to offer to give us advice, share their experiences, and introduce us around at the club even though there wasn't much in the way of erotic chemistry bubbling up. As others have said, on premises clubs give you a chance to talk to several couples face-to-face and make a good first impression.

[Newcouple17 101]

Yeah I guess we could try harder to put a positive spin on our situation, but so far any couples we both find attractive don't seem to want first timers?

We're coming to terms with the fact that we are probably going to have to face a club?

[Sexy_anglais 34]

We remember how hard it is to make first contacts, as many have said a club was a real ice breaker, firstly allowing you to at least see sex with others even if at the time you don't want to join in, secondly it gives you something to talk about when you message people on dating sites. Don't put yourselves down on dating sites, shows a lack of confidence but equally don't be false. Confidence was key to us establishing who we are in the lifestyle and precisely what we gain out of it, it's different for everyone. Many couples we've found on dating websites are far more hardcore about it than we are, doesn't put us off we merely wish them well and move on. That first time for you needs to be a good experience if you are to go further, something many people seem to have forgotten unfortunately

[Newcouple17 101]

We remember how hard it is to make first contacts, as many have said a club was a real ice breaker, firstly allowing you to at least see sex with others even if at the time you don't want to join in, secondly it gives you something to talk about when you message people on dating sites. Don't put yourselves down on dating sites, shows a lack of confidence but equally don't be false. Confidence was key to us establishing who we are in the lifestyle and precisely what we gain out of it, it's different for everyone. Many couples we've found on dating websites are far more hardcore about it than we are, doesn't put us off we merely wish them well and move on. That first time for you needs to be a good experience if you are to go further, something many people seem to have forgotten unfortunately

 

Yes we don't want to be hardcore swingers and we've come across a fair few! I mean each to their own, but its just not what we're looking for. Its not that either of us are really lacking in confidence....its just that we're both worried about the other? Not the actual act or anything, but we both need the other to get what they want out of swapping?

Yes your also absolutely right we most definitely need to have an extremely good first time, we're aware thats easier said than done!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Remember how hard it was to find your partner? Well, finding another couple is that hard times 4. Getting a four way match is NOT EASY...but worth the effort once you find it. One thing I was trying to say in our previous post (and was better said by someone else) is marketing. Market yourselves better. You need to make sure that nothing in your profile sounds like potential drama. Something like 'sure we're new to start looking for another couple, but we have been working ourselves to this point by talking about it and sharing our fantasies with each other for almost 20 year and it's finally time to make it come true. We're both on the same page and ready for this to happen'. Others want to be comfortable with noobies being ready for the next step, but even then, finding a match is going to be hard. Good luck and let us know how things continue for you both.

[BabeAndApe 70]

Yeah I guess we could try harder to put a positive spin on our situation, but so far any couples we both find attractive don't seem to want first timers?

We're coming to terms with the fact that we are probably going to have to face a club?

 

As scary as it is the first time around, clubs have certain advantages. Its face-to-face and people get a chance to decide whether they like you before your experience comes up. Another advantage is that you can talk to as many or as few couples as you want in one evening. And, for Babe, meeting people in a larger "group environment" makes her feel less pressured - always a good thing.

[BabeAndApe 70]

Yes we don't want to be hardcore swingers and we've come across a fair few! I mean each to their own, but its just not what we're looking for. Its not that either of us are really lacking in confidence....its just that we're both worried about the other? Not the actual act or anything, but we both need the other to get what they want out of swapping?

Yes your also absolutely right we most definitely need to have an extremely good first time, we're aware thats easier said than done!

 

Taking your time and deciding what you want is important. One thing Babe and I want to avoid is "hardcore" swingers with a revolving bang-and-go door constantly spinning. We've met a few couples who were basically counting bedpost notches. We said "it was lovely to meet you" and took a pass. So far, all of those couples were met online. The club crowd, when we've gone, has been more relaxed and personable. While we don't necessarily want an exclusive thing with another couple (that would be a bit to "poly" for us) we would like to find 2-4 couples we can be friends and playmates with. So, finding people we like, who can carry a conversation, and share at least one interest is a plus.

[Newcouple17 101]

Remember how hard it was to find your partner? Well, finding another couple is that hard times 4. Getting a four way match is NOT EASY...but worth the effort once you find it. One thing I was trying to say in our previous post (and was better said by someone else) is marketing. Market yourselves better. You need to make sure that nothing in your profile sounds like potential drama. Something like 'sure we're new to start looking for another couple, but we have been working ourselves to this point by talking about it and sharing our fantasies with each other for almost 20 year and it's finally time to make it come true. We're both on the same page and ready for this to happen'. Others want to be comfortable with noobies being ready for the next step, but even then, finding a match is going to be hard. Good luck and let us know how things continue for you both.

 

Yes its definitely harder than we thought initially and yes parhaps we could/should sell ourselves better! It has also become clear that although we're on the same page as to what we're looking for, well we differ on types of people? We are really looking forward to finally doing this and are trying to decide if we should go to a club this weekend?

[Newcouple17 101]

As scary as it is the first time around, clubs have certain advantages. Its face-to-face and people get a chance to decide whether they like you before your experience comes up. Another advantage is that you can talk to as many or as few couples as you want in one evening. And, for Babe, meeting people in a larger "group environment" makes her feel less pressured - always a good thing.

 

Yeah we've virtually decided that unless we want to wait a ridiculous amount of time, we're going to have to face going to a club....hopefully this weekend if we can make the arrangements and before we change our minds!

[Newcouple17 101]

Taking your time and deciding what you want is important. One thing Babe and I want to avoid is "hardcore" swingers with a revolving bang-and-go door constantly spinning. We've met a few couples who were basically counting bedpost notches. We said "it was lovely to meet you" and took a pass. So far, all of those couples were met online. The club crowd, when we've gone, has been more relaxed and personable. While we don't necessarily want an exclusive thing with another couple (that would be a bit to "poly" for us) we would like to find 2-4 couples we can be friends and playmates with. So, finding people we like, who can carry a conversation, and share at least one interest is a plus.

 

There's absolutely no way we'll be using any revolving swinging door! lol

We just want to find a nice couple to share some fun with?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Why are couples running away from you? Because you have not only zero experience sharing each other but you almost have zero experience beyond each other. That's a scary thought. So not only would a couple be concerned that you might be potential source of drama (it's one thing to think you can share each other it's another to actually be in that situation). Couples in the lifestyle have almost endless options so they can move on and look for someone they feel is a better fit that will have less likelihood of any potential issues.

 

Why are single males flocking to you in droves? The same reason they flock to every couple including those who clearly state 15 times in their profile that they aren't interested in single males. There are far more single males than there are couples interested in playing with them, so single males (for the most part) will take advantage of any opportunity presented to them, and are more willing to take a risk. Add to that that most single males on profile sites have the same level of swinger experience that you have and they haven't figured out that there's really any risk that they are taking.

 

Others have given great advice - try a club first as a way to meet people. Even as a seasoned swinger I find clubs a better option for meeting other couples because it's like you get to speed right past all the frustrations... no endless emails, no back and forth chats, and trying to set up a date, no going on said date and hoping everyone hits it off. You just go to a club and meet 20+ other couples and hopefully you meet one that you like and that they like you. Your chances of hooking up increase exponentially over dealing with ads.

 

While I would not suggest lying in your profile, there's no need for that, there is a need to word things properly. If you spend your whole profile dwelling on how new you are and unsure then people will move right on by because they will see you as a potential waste of their time - you aren't sure you are ready so why should they bother?

 

If you are so inclined, you can share a link to your profile here and I'm sure you can get some feedback on how others may be reading it and interpreting it and what may be putting them off.

[Newcouple17 101]

Why are couples running away from you? Because you have not only zero experience sharing each other but you almost have zero experience beyond each other. That's a scary thought. So not only would a couple be concerned that you might be potential source of drama (it's one thing to think you can share each other it's another to actually be in that situation). Couples in the lifestyle have almost endless options so they can move on and look for someone they feel is a better fit that will have less likelihood of any potential issues.

 

Why are single males flocking to you in droves? The same reason they flock to every couple including those who clearly state 15 times in their profile that they aren't interested in single males. There are far more single males than there are couples interested in playing with them, so single males (for the most part) will take advantage of any opportunity presented to them, and are more willing to take a risk. Add to that that most single males on profile sites have the same level of swinger experience that you have and they haven't figured out that there's really any risk that they are taking.

 

Others have given great advice - try a club first as a way to meet people. Even as a seasoned swinger I find clubs a better option for meeting other couples because it's like you get to speed right past all the frustrations... no endless emails, no back and forth chats, and trying to set up a date, no going on said date and hoping everyone hits it off. You just go to a club and meet 20+ other couples and hopefully you meet one that you like and that they like you. Your chances of hooking up increase exponentially over dealing with ads.

 

While I would not suggest lying in your profile, there's no need for that, there is a need to word things properly. If you spend your whole profile dwelling on how new you are and unsure then people will move right on by because they will see you as a potential waste of their time - you aren't sure you are ready so why should they bother?

 

If you are so inclined, you can share a link to your profile here and I'm sure you can get some feedback on how others may be reading it and interpreting it and what may be putting them off.

 

Thanks for your advice. We've listened to what people have said here and yes we've decided to go to a club, this Saturday actually. Although we understand that you can be economical with what we tell potential meets about us and our lack of experience, its also extremely important to us that we find the right first couple. We are completely ready for this and have talked through all manner of things, but speaking as the guy I cannot stress enough how important it is that my wife has a good time and is happy and not pushed in any way!

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Believe it or not there are "angel couples" out there who bring first timers along. Our first experience was with such a couple and we will be forever grateful. They were both very attractive and skilled. Each act was presented in the form of a question and approval/consent. Everyone had a great time.

[Newcouple17 101]

Believe it or not there are "angel couples" out there who bring first timers along. Our first experience was with such a couple and we will be forever grateful. They were both very attractive and skilled. Each act was presented in the form of a question and approval/consent. Everyone had a great time.

 

Well that would be fantastic, although we've never heard that term before?

Maybe we'll get lucky at the club......we can hope!

[padoc 1,703]

We've been doing this for over a decade and have never heard that term. It's wonderfully descriptive though and we'd like to think it could have been applied to us on occasion.