Using Veto Power on your Partner -- A Penny For Your Thoughts

[Columbian999 19]

Neither my wife or I are completely new to swinging, but we are quite new swinging as a couple (only one threesome together). I'm curious to hear what more experienced swingers have experienced on their journeys and your insights into a hypothetical dilemma....

 

My wife, like many other women (and men), is more attracted to traits such as attentiveness, charisma, and grooming than physical looks. I admire that she isn't a complete 'caveman' like some of us men and I understand that swinging isn't a beauty contest. However, I don't care how attentive or confident a guy is, I wouldn't feel great about watching her have sex with an overweight guy that's 30 years older than us, as an extreme example. I get that swinging is about giving your partner pleasure...I just want it to be with a respectful, fun, decent-looking guy.

 

Does this ring a bell with anyone? Curious to hear your thoughts.

[Tahoecple 319]

For us it’s an individual choice. We are in this to allow the other to experience and fulfill their fantasies. When one half of a couple starts interjecting their attractions on their significant other they will find that this whole thing will go south in a hurry. In our case she has sole choice of who she has sex with, and I have sole choice on who I have sex with, and we do our best not to be judgmental about that choice.

 

Now that’s not to say, and it rarely occurs, but if one of us has negative personal information concerning a person that the other is considering being with we will inform them of that information. But that is limited to something that the other doesn’t know about that person. As far as physical characteristics, age, or appearance, that would be solely up to them.

 

The adage is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless you want her to start picking the women that you can be with, don’t pick the men that she wants to be with. Swinging is about open and honest communication, if you start criticizing her choice of playmates, you will soon find her unwilling to share her fantasies with you or to take part in this with you.

 

As long as my wife is safe, as long as she’s engaged in something that she wants to be engaged in, with a person that she wants to be engaged with, the choice is hers.

[adamgunn 1,460]

My wife and I always had veto power over each other, except in one circumstance. We rarely used it, since we were closely aligned in our desires. She was a bit more picky than me when it came to male partners, so I never had reason to nix any of her picks. One time she suggested I not play with a lady at the club; she was right, the lady was a bit of a wack job as it turned out.

 

The only place where we didn't have a veto was at house parties. In these instances, we'd tend to split up and find our own 'trouble.' I remember once finding her with a guy we both knew and had decided to pass on for a private threesome - we thought he was arrogant. But that night she wanted what he had to offer, so . . .

[njbm 2,877]

I agree with Tahoe. Sometimes I find it hard to understand who my wife is attracted to. But it’s her choice. We won’t veto each other’s partners. It is hard enough to get a four way match. I just prefer that she is with someone who is respectful and not a jerk. But it’s her call and my call for me.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Swinging is about open and honest communication, if you start criticizing her choice of playmates, you will soon find her unwilling to share her fantasies with you or to take part in this with you.

 

As long as my wife is safe, as long as she’s engaged in something that she wants to be engaged in, with a person that she wants to be engaged with, the choice is hers.

 

As long as you don't have a problem with who she chooses (remember, one no equals a group no), then Tahoe is dead on here. Her body, her choice.

[EastInWest 1,524]

So far, it's always been her running a prospect by me once she's decided she's receptive.

 

I want her to play and wouldn't be quick to veto anyone, but she tends to think I'm the better judge of character and that she can be blind to weirdness in people. This is something we've only really talked openly about in the last year or two, and it explains some non-swinging things that have happened before.

 

I'm yet to seriously suggest a woman on my own, but she's tried it following the same pattern: her idea, but what do I think. In that case, it sputtered because the woman was just flirtatious and affectionate, but not serious.

[Columbian999 19]

Thanks to all for your feedback — it’s what I expected to hear. We’ve reviewed your comments together and it led to a good conversation. I think this will be a non-issue for us as we gain more experience swinging.

[Newcouple17 101]

I've been watching this post and with our rather limited experience have given this some thought, as well as discussing it. Well although we've only progressed recently, we've been looking for around 18 months. It has to be said that I personally kind of gave up with the online sites quite quickly, but our sort of routine started then. I'd point out couples that I like the sound of and he'll say yes or no?

As we're only looking for couples that seems to work.

I guess things might change over time, but we're both happy deciding that way.....even if it doesn't leave many options! lol

[adamgunn 1,460]

Newcouple, you said, "I guess things might change over time, but we're both happy deciding that way"

 

Then you're good! Have fun.

[Newcouple17 101]

Newcouple, you said, "I guess things might change over time, but we're both happy deciding that way"

 

Then you're good! Have fun.

 

Yes, things tend to evolve over time, but yes your right we're both happy deciding this way.

[Guest]

We really didn’t start with a lot of rules and even fewer remain. But, we started with and have kept a “safe” word, whether used with others or just when we’re together, it means stop immediately. The other is that we have two hand signals, one indicating this person(s) is ok, the other indicating no, in essence, a veto. The veto is absolute, no questions asked until we leave the premises. I have used it, for example, when the guy of the couple had horrid breath. Hubby has used it when the lady of the couple was just not his cup of tea, or on and MFM “pick-up” at a bar when my chatting is moving more towards flirtation and he knew the guy from his past or he sensed the guy was a policemen and thought that could be problematic for us and so on. In all cases, no questions, the other of us simply backs away from the flirt or seduction and leave it at casual conversation until we can politely slip away.

[adamgunn 1,460]

I understand veto power, used it with my wife a few times, she was very accepting, no problem.

 

But, in an orgy situation, we never even considered using the veto. In that situation, other than making sure she was safe (i.e., the guys used condoms, didn't get rough with her,) what she did was her business, what I did was mine. It worked out well for us.