New to this and have mixed feelings

[Daigs0609 15]

My husband is interested in this lifestyle. At first I thought I would like it too. We talked about it a little and found out friends of ours are interested too. The more I think about it the more anxious I am. He wants to go to a club with our friends just to observe and see if it's something I would be interested in. He said it would totally turn him on to see me have any type of sex with another guy. But I don't think I would like him being with another woman. He keeps talking about it and I am interested in seeing what it is all about but worried about becoming jealous or hurt. I also have apprehensions about being naked in front of another couple. I'm not sure what I should do. I've been reading a lot of posts and comments on here and am understanding a lot more. A big question I have is why would he want to add people to our sex life? Does it mean I'm not satisfying him? Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

First off, welcome to the Swingers Board! You ask a great question, and it's a very understandable question since I think nearly everyone has felt exactly the same way you do now.

 

I agree with your husband that going to a club just to watch is a great way to start. Keep in mind though that not all clubs are created equal, so you will want to do some reseach to find one that is well run and what kind of crowd it attracts. Even different nights of the week at the same club can have a different vibe. Saturday nights are often "couples night" and that's what I would suggest. Go to a club where the focus is on couples, and single males are either prohibited or only allowed in to a certain number and/or restricted where in the club they can go. Don't be shy to contact the club ahead of time to explain to them it will be your first visit, ask what to expect, etc. You will find out a lot by how they respond to those questions. The key to your first club visit (and the key to your 100th club visit) is to go with no expectations, none. Just plan on having a fun night out together and don't worry about anything other than that.

 

Going with friends that are also interested in swinging...without knowing more about that friendship, I'll punt on that one, may or may not be a good idea. On the plus side, having some others there you know will likely make you feel more comfortable. On the con side, the club scene can be a very charged environment, and I'm a firm believer in you make friends out of playmates, not playmates out of friends. So, going together to such a venue may cause some strange sort of dynamic that no one is equipped to handle right now.

 

As to the why, I can't speak for him but I can speak for me since I was the one that first brought it up when we started. I thought it would something funa and sexy to check out TOGETHER. Not that she didn't satisfy me, not that I wasn't happy, and so on, but that it might be something we would have fun with together. It was, and we have. We're not frequent swingers, but when we do, we always have a great time, together. It's turned into a compersion thing. I like seeing her happy, she likes seeing me happy, and if we can achieve both of those along with the us as a couple being happy too, then all is good

[ViSexual 1,008]

First of all, I suggest that you don't do it just to please your husband. Try, if you can, to realize that it's not about you not pleasing him, it's about experiencing something very different. Oh, and, you probably don't understand why your husband would enjoy seeing you with another man, right? Well, us husbands don't really understand it either but a lot of us do enjoy it, very much.

 

One thing you may not have considered yet is how you feel about the husband of the couple who are your friends that are also considering this. Do you find him appealing? Do you think he's sexy? Take a few minutes and let your mind center on him and block out your husband and the other wife. If you were single and had dated this other husband a few times, would you enjoy going to bed with him?

 

And keep in mind that a lot of us have given this a try and later, for whatever reason, decided not to continue. And, most of us have had good marriages afterward.

[Guest]

I agree with Vi above, you have to want to do it. It sounds as if your main concern is how you will feel when he is with another woman. I had those concerns to before we got started. So, after much thought, I said I would be happy to try it but if we were going to do something with others, we should start with MFM and then see how we both feel. We did, and after a few times, I felt more comfortable, we went to a club, first visit, we watched and were watched. Second visit, we did a same room swap and I was ok with it. Nowadays, we still do more MFM then anything, but I am perfectly comfortable with swaps and other fun. Point is, work out a starting point and set of start up rules you can both be comfortable with.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

My husband is interested in this lifestyle. At first I thought I would like it too. We talked about it a little and found out friends of ours are interested too. The more I think about it the more anxious I am. He wants to go to a club with our friends just to observe and see if it's something I would be interested in. He said it would totally turn him on to see me have any type of sex with another guy. But I don't think I would like him being with another woman. He keeps talking about it and I am interested in seeing what it is all about but worried about becoming jealous or hurt. I also have apprehensions about being naked in front of another couple. I'm not sure what I should do. I've been reading a lot of posts and comments on here and am understanding a lot more. A big question I have is why would he want to add people to our sex life? Does it mean I'm not satisfying him? Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!

 

My gut reaction to your post is that swinging is not for you, not right now anyway. You don't sound like you are ready. You may never be (which is ok, most people aren't cut out for this) or you may just need to get your head around it. But right now, I think you need to hit the breaks, tell your husband you're not ready and you need to work through these concerns.

 

As for specific questions - ...why would he want to add people to our sex life? Does it mean I'm not satisfying him? Truthfully, the only person who can answer those is him.

 

I can tell you why I wanted to add other people to my wife's and my sex lives - I like to watch. I like to see her with another man (or men) because it turns me on. I also enjoy having sex with other women. It isn't because my sex life with my wife is unsatisfying, far from it. It's just because it's fun. We enjoy it. Nothing more or less than that really.

 

My $.02, for whatever it's worth.

[luv2was 117]

My husband is interested in this lifestyle. At first I thought I would like it too.... But I don't think I would like him being with another woman. He keeps talking about it and I am interested in seeing what it is all about but worried about becoming jealous or hurt.... A big question I have is:

Why would he want to add people to our sex life?

Does it mean I'm not satisfying him? ....

 

I will answer your questions first:

As mentioned, only your husband can answer this for sure.

 

I will share a bit of my experience however, which may give you some perspective. I suspect my story is fairly common.

 

First off I will mention that our genetic encoding is pretty powerful. This is something I have thought of often, as I have tried to sort out my "drive", all my adult life (and more). "Men hunt vs. Women nest". Men are programmed to spread their seed everywhere at all times. Women are programmed to be selective. It is a natural process, intended to ensure the procreation of a strong and healthy species. We are after all, in the end, just animals.... Obviously that is oversimplifying it a bit (otherwise by now we'd all look like Greek Gods & Goddesses), but you get the idea.

 

My personal journey with relationships has been a bit of a struggle. The pattern has basically been: Hook-up with someone I really like. (Including one marriage [7 years] / divorce.) Spend 1 to 3 years (or more) together. I get restless, and basically sabotage the relationship. Again, this is oversimplifying it a bit... but in the interest of "bandwidth"....

 

Now I'm pushing 60 and thinking what most people probably do: "Wish I knew 40+ years ago what I know now." And that is mostly about who I am and what I want.

 

What I've learned about how to get there (that crystal state of "knowledge of self") is to be completely relaxed and honest with yourself, and others. Oh Yes! Much easier said than done! And it is indeed a never-ending journey. But if you are wise, and maybe a bit lucky, you can/will get there (or closer to there) sooner, rather than later.

 

As for me personally, the short version is that I am now convinced that I am Polyamorous. I've only come to this conclusion within the past 5 years, because before that I'd never heard the term.... It sure does explain quite a lot for me however, and makes the puzzle bits from my (relationship) life fit together more neatly.

 

The other possibility (extreme?) is that I'm just a regular guy, and want to fuck anything that looks good (i.e. my animal nature takes control).

 

For me personally, I suspect I'm somewhere in between the pure version of both (Poly vs. Animal)... and I bet this holds true for a lot of folks here.

 

A friendly observation...

I am inclined to agree that you may not be ready for the Swing Lifestyle, not just now anyway. There is no hurry. As long as you are interested, take your time, enjoy the ride, learn... and most importantly talk things over with your partner.... Hopefully you can both do this without approaching it from a place of fear. ... (Fear of relationship damage, making yourself vulnerable, etc.)

 

I agree also that not everyone is cut-out to be a Swinger.

 

This BBS is a generous wealth of information and experience. You are in the right place if you are curious. One of the most profound things I've learned from this site is the depth of dedication and mutual respect that successful couples in the Lifestyle have for each other. (And I'm quite sure that most "vanilla" folks find this very contradictory.)

 

No doubt you have come across the following here, but just for clarity I will mention a few of the more popular LS "rules":

 

This is a "Team" endeavor... and one should "Never take one for the team".

 

"No means no."

 

I think a gentler and kinder way to sum these up is to say:

"Never move 'faster' then the 'speed' of the 'slowest' person present."

 

The fact that you have come here and asked your questions says a lot (in a good way).

 

Keep the lines of communication open... and: Keep up the Good Fun.

 

;-)

[Audjbr 16]

My husband is interested in this lifestyle. At first I thought I would like it too. We talked about it a little and found out friends of ours are interested too. The more I think about it the more anxious I am. He wants to go to a club with our friends just to observe and see if it's something I would be interested in. He said it would totally turn him on to see me have any type of sex with another guy. But I don't think I would like him being with another woman. He keeps talking about it and I am interested in seeing what it is all about but worried about becoming jealous or hurt. I also have apprehensions about being naked in front of another couple. I'm not sure what I should do. I've been reading a lot of posts and comments on here and am understanding a lot more. A big question I have is why would he want to add people to our sex life? Does it mean I'm not satisfying him? Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!

 

 

I feel the exact same way. We’ve done MFM and that was nice. He had no problems with it. I too don’t know how I’d feel about seeing him with another woman doing things he normally does to me. Idk how to get past that.

[luvin eye full 140]

I feel the exact same way. We’ve done MFM and that was nice. He had no problems with it. I too don’t know how I’d feel about seeing him with another woman doing things he normally does to me. Idk how to get past that.

 

When we play - it is nothing like sex at home - one is making love to your SO the other is not.

Now i have been with girls that look ( on the out side ) better then some of the models on tv or such and the wife has had sex with some studs lol.

 

But most are just like us and in committed relationships - in fact we do not play with any one unless they are.

 

But they will never be anything like when we get it on - there is a huge difference between sex for fun and sex with your mate.

[Eddiem 139]

Not about satisfying him but about him worrying about satisfying you. Talk about it with him first.

My husband is interested in this lifestyle. At first I thought I would like it too. We talked about it a little and found out friends of ours are interested too. The more I think about it the more anxious I am. He wants to go to a club with our friends just to observe and see if it's something I would be interested in. He said it would totally turn him on to see me have any type of sex with another guy. But I don't think I would like him being with another woman. He keeps talking about it and I am interested in seeing what it is all about but worried about becoming jealous or hurt. I also have apprehensions about being naked in front of another couple. I'm not sure what I should do. I've been reading a lot of posts and comments on here and am understanding a lot more. A big question I have is why would he want to add people to our sex life? Does it mean I'm not satisfying him? Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!

[Eddiem 139]

Please realize if you try it and it's not something you liked per se, you never have to do it again and 'no crime, no foul'. One night does not define who you are any more than it would define your marriage.

 

Well said... if you both are in agreement and well it does not go as planned, nothing for you to do again and you have problems after well it is more likely a communication issue.