What Brought You Into the Lifestyle?

[DrewInPa 15]

Hello:

 

This is only my 2nd post here, but I was curious:

 

What brought you into the Lifestyle?

 

(Disclosure: I'm completely new to it, but the initial attraction was the idea that couples can trust each other to the point that they allow each person to play, as long as their own set of rules are followed. In my past 'vanilla' relationships, trust has been an issue at times, like it is for many couples, so regardless of how moralists/religious zealots view the LS, it would seem that swinger couples enjoy a healthier, higher quality relationship - in other words, there's a lot more trust.

 

Respectfully Learning Things,

 

Drew

[Fi86 78]

Excitement I feel from being with new people and never being able to get enough sex. I lost my virginity and had sex with boyfriends from a young age and loved the sex. After having sex with a few different people and doing MFM I realised I actually enjoyed the thrill of having sex with different people more than I did being one boyfriend. Have sex with new people just thrills me in a way familiar sex doesn't. So I started looking at orgies and threesomes which lead to swinging, parties, gangbangs, etc. Things just evolved and as I became more confident I got more adventurous.

 

As I get older I'm unfortunately realising the lifestyle conflicts with family aspirations though.

[DrewInPa 15]

Hi Fi86:

 

Thank you for replying; Wow! You've had a lot more adventures than I have - most of my relationships have been LTR, but my most recent was a little on the wild side (she was Bi, and occasionally liked to bring a lady home for us both to enjoy). I can imagine some couples can make it all work, even after having kids, but the additional planning must be pretty involved.

 

Thanks Again.

[Fi86 78]

I've been around a bit, lol.

 

The issue I have is starting a family rather than maintaing one. I'm single and have been for ages but I've always wanted kids and I'm not getting younger. But trying to find a husband to have children with when you'll only accept a completely open marriage, have a colourful past, and are rubbish wife material is not easy. I haven't found anyone yet.

[kikonkrome 844]

We are super sexual couple. The sex everyday kind. We just kinda started getting kinkier and kinkier. I know I wanted to explore a lot more, and I felt my wife did too. We definitely baby stepped our way into it. We do not at this point swing separately, it's a process.

 

@Fi86 I think the single mother issues you bring up would make an interesting thread!!

[Fi86 78]

We are super sexual couple. The sex everyday kind. We just kinda started getting kinkier and kinkier. I know I wanted to explore a lot more, and I felt my wife did too. We definitely baby stepped our way into it. We do not at this point swing separately, it's a process.

 

@Fi86 I think the single mother issues you bring up would make an interesting thread!!

 

Thanks. Yeah I might start a thread on it when I have the time to post about my situation properly. It's not the first thing you want put out when joining a forum, that you're lonely, childless, and can't get a husband. Thought I'd wait a bit before telling you all how sad I am lol ;-)

[EastInWest 1,524]

Like kikonkrome said above, our relationship really started out with a strong sexual connection. I was the more experienced partner, but younger, and a few years out from not being able to stand her marriage anymore, she was getting back into "normal life" and wanted to be more honest with herself and have fun. Travel, go out, screw for hours, the things she'd always been sheltered from, but she didn't feel like anybody else wanted to have fun anymore.

 

What started as coffee dates to talk about life turned into casual sex and then we were stuck together like glue, mostly at the hip. Averaging once or twice a day is us "settling down" when real life gets in the way.

 

I floated it originally, while she was giving me head, just that I knew how hot she is and how much I enjoyed when she opened up about her sluttier side, and thought it'd be a turn-on to watch her suck cock. It took her a few days to come back around to it and ask if I was serious, and it kicked off a long conversation.

[Guest]

To answer your question, what brought you into this lifestyle?

 

Well to be fair there are about 10 or 15 common reasons that people get into swinging, and sometimes those reasons are not what you would expect.

 

For example......

 

1. Been Cheated On: In many cases people become attracted to the swinging lifestyle because they have been cheated on by their partner, or by previous partners. That sure been cheated on is a hurtful and nasty experience that damages the relationship. When the person first discovered they had been cheated on they were very upset, angry, frustrated, even heart broken, but then over the passing months or even years that experience can manifest in several ways, for example:

 

A) When they first discovered they had been cheated on the person was upset, angry, heart broken, they spend many weeks thinking about HOW their partner cheated on them, where their partner cheated on them, why their partner cheated, the person their partner cheated with, they generally want to know what happened. THEN over the months they begin to calm down, they begin to forgive and forget, when all of a sudden they suddenly realise that the idea of their partner fucking someone else doesn't make them angry anymore, in fact the idea makes them horny, they suddenly start to have fantasies about seeing their partner fucking someone else, and from their the fantasy of swinging is often born.

 

B) The person gets cheated on which causes them a severe amount of hurt, over the months they ask themselves all of the normal questions, why, where, when, how long, with who, and in many cases been cheated on damages the persons self esteem, the person ends up thinking "If I'm not good enough sexually then maybe we can meet someone who is good enough, maybe we can just share, maybe we can swing and then my partner can have a relationship with me and have extra sex that is good enough" that they want to replace their doubts or sexual performance by adding a third party.

 

2. Sexually Abused: It is a well documented fact that people who were sexually abused from a young age often grow up with strange or even volatile sexual lives. For example some people who suffer sexual abuse from a young age will grow up to desire a sex change / cross dressing / and even swinging. In today's world its a well known fact that young children begin experimenting with sex from a very young age, often they are introduced to sexual subjects by an older person and that experience often leads to them "Acting Out" sexually when they are older, that been introduced to sexual subjects from an early age leaves an imprint on their minds, it effects how they grow up and how they view sex and relationships.

 

3. Self Esteem Issues: Many people suffer from self esteem or confidence issues, many people think their bodies are not good enough, their penis isn't big enough, their breasts are not big enough, their sexual abilities are not good enough, however they want to keep their partner, they want to be in a loving relationship but are filled with self doubts so over time they decide "If I'm not good enough then we will meet someone who is good enough, if my penis is not big enough then we will meet someone with a bigger penis, if my breasts or body is not good enough then we will meet someone who is good enough, that they want to provide their partner with a better option hoping that will make their partner stay in this relationships. That basically if I can't fix it, if I can't do the job, we will find someone who can and share them together.

 

4. Relationship Fixing: Sometimes people get into the idea of swinging because they want to try and fix their own broken relationship, that we all know relationships are NOT EASY, that the vast majority of couples do argue, do face bad times, do face issues such as money problems, cheating, work issues all which pile stress onto the partnership. A lot of couples also have very bad communication skills, they very rarely talk about deep and meaningful subjects and when they do try speaking about such things they just end up arguing. The relationship often goes "Off The Rails" and in an attempt to fix these problems sometimes the idea of swinging is born. That if we can make swinging work, if we can communicate with another person together, if we can speak about swinging until it works then it will prove we can communicate, it will provide a distraction to our everyday lives, it will fix our bad sex life, but honestly trying to fix a bad relationship with swinging does not work.

 

5. Stop Cheating: On some occasions the idea of swinging is born because a person wants to stop their partner from cheating, that their own partner has been caught out cheating on several different occasions, that the problem of cheating is a reoccurring problem, that their partner keeps cheating. The person is obviously hurt by this, the person doesn't want to lose their partner, and also does not want their partner to cheat so they imagine that "IF" they do swinging instead then their partner will have no reason to cheat, that if their partner can have sex with them and other people then it will cut out their need to cheat. This however does not work, in the majority of cases someone who cheats will always cheat, that basically group sex won't stop someone from cheating, but it doesn't stop people trying.

 

6. Friendship: Many couples fall into the exact same rut where friendships are concerned, you see as a young child / teenager they had loads of friends, they were popular, they hung around with countless friends at school, college, university, they spent their time having fun with friends. THEN a short time after their education finishes they end up in a relationship / getting a job / buying a home / buying a car / maybe having a family, and suddenly their friendship circle shrinks down to almost nothing. The people they use to call friends are now too busy to offer them friendship, that their friends have moved away, bought houses, had families of their own and suddenly they find themselves in a long term relationship with a lot of responsibilities and hardly any friends at all. Usually a couple will try various things to bring new friends and company into their lives, and sooner or later one of them decides that swinging / threesomes would be a great way to bring new company, friendships, and excitement into their lives.

 

7. Pornography: In a lot of cases the idea of swinging is brought into their minds simply because they watch porn films. In general porn films have a domino effect, at first simply watching people have sex is enough, then the viewer needs more so begins to watch different films, porn films that contain dressing up / sex toys / lesbians / and before long they find themselves watching threesome films, gang bangs, specific films that turn them on. Once they have watched their desires on a screen its a short step between watching them and wanting them for real, that many people watch a porn film and think, why can't we do that? I wish me and my partner could do that? Then the idea of swinging is born.

 

8. Sexually Inexperienced: I guess this is one of my own reasons, but basically as a young person / teenager some people do find themselves locked into very long relationships, for example my teenager love relationship ended up lasting 10 years during which I lost a lot of dating and sexual experience. That whilst a lot of other young people were sleeping around, having different relationships, having unexpected sexual encounters, I was with the same person and as a result lost a lot of those early sexual experiences, as a result as I have got older I wish to explore more and replace the experience that were lost due to been in such a long committed relationship.

 

9. Add Spice: Many long term committed couples get into the idea of swinging simply because they want to spice up their own sex lives, that over the years their own sex life has virtually stopped, that the excitement of having sex together has almost died until one of them decides that swinging and having sex with new people could be a great way to add new excitement and adventure into their lives.

 

10. Honest People: Another type of person who is attracted by the idea of swinging is generally honest people, the type of people who would not cheat, who do not lie to their partner, but the type of honest and open minded person who does want more sexual experience. In which case if they will not cheat how do they obtain this sexual experience? Such honest people will approach their partner with the idea of swinging, that it will allow them to have sex with new people but still maintain the honest relationship they want.

 

This list could go on......

 

It could cover people who are simply addicted to sex.

 

It could cover people who are unhappy in their relationships and want an escape.

 

It could cover the people who are stuck with low sex drive partners and who are frustrated and want more sex.

 

It could cover the people who stuck with bad sexual partner and dream of a better sexual partner who ticks their boxes.

 

 

The overall point been their are various reasons people get attracted to the idea of swinging and not all of them are reasons you would expect

[luv2was 117]

DrewInPa said:

What brought you into the LS?

 

Variety.

 

I find it easier to be celibate, than to partner with someone who does not share my curiosity in experiencing different sexual partners, and allowing the imagination to manifest itself, even just occasionally.

 

I've not been with a huge list of women, but it is long enough to know that everyone responds to each other differently, and that it is very unlikely that one person can provide complete and total physical enjoyment... forever.

 

Perhaps this sounds shallow and selfish to some (many actually, as LS folks are no doubt a minority), and maybe it is... but I am way past apologizing for who I am, and have never been successful in "toeing the line" of monogamy (at least in my mind anyway, which is perhaps worse than "meaningless" physical infidelity).

 

With one very brief exception (that truly was meaningless), I have always been "faithful" to my partner (I've been married just once). I just found the itch I could not scratch to be too strong, and they were not interested in diving into such an unconventional, risky, even deviant lifestyle... so we have always parted ways (for a variety of reasons, but the "swing" element was always lurking nearby).

 

It is indeed a lot safer to be monogamous, and I certainly do not begrudge anyone for following that path. It just seems clear to me, the I have never been all that good at it... so why fight it?. Why not start with being completely honest with myself?

 

Which leads me to the biggest draw now... As I have grown better educated on the subject, I find the elements of such strong trust, and open & honest communication among truly successful LS folks to be exceptionally appealing.

 

Actually... The concept of Polyamory suits me better, but I am also not opposed to occasionally just following my animal nature, as long as it does not get completely out of control. And... True "Poly" relationships are probably the most elusive of all (leave it to me to follow the most difficult path ), so occasional purely physical dalliances seem simple compared to that.

 

I learned way too late in life to be open and honest with my partners on this subject before we spent a lot of time getting "involved". (I always thought I'd change, or "outgrow" it.) I don't know a lot, but I do know for sure that I do not want to waste any more time (especially for someone else), or be a "heart-breaker" anymore, which I suspect is how most of my past lovers view me (despite all our departures being fairly amicable).

[ViSexual 1,008]

For us it was 'who' and not 'what'.

 

I was a cop for two years after leaving the Air Force. My wife and I became very good friends with a couple, the husband of which was a fellow cop and had gone through the academy with me.

 

All of us were sort of poor, due to the low pay, and we took turns having parties at our houses. It became almost a joke how my wife and the husband of the couple we were best friends with, seemed to always be dancing together when there was a slow song on the radio. His wife and I would always just sit and watch and even joked about throwing cold water on them. She didn't mind any more that I didn't mind, in fact, I think she found it about as hot to watch as I did.

 

When I left the PD and got into sales, that couple and one other couple remained friends of ours.

 

We now enough extra money to purchase a projector, (this was in the mid seventies), and I got a tape of the original 'Deep Throat', that was the talk of the time. Well, everyone was curious about it and we invited the two, cop, couples to watch it with us. One couple left as soon as the film ended, saying they needed to get home and take care of needs. The other couple, our better friends, stayed until my wife said she was tired and needed to go to sleep.

 

The other husband said he too needed some sleep but his wife and I were wide awake and wanted to party some more. I agreed to give the other wife a ride home later and the other husband left.

 

We had another drink or two and laughed about our spouses' wanting each other. On the way to their house, I confessed that I wouldn't really mind if our spouses wanted to have each other. She said she felt the same way and admitted that her husband had been with another woman before with her approval.

 

I went in to her house with her and we woke her husband and told him what we'd discussed. I gave him a key to our place and we told him to call if things went well. Two hours later he called. We went back to my house. My wife, in her nighty, told me it was my turn. That was our first but not our last time with other couples.

[Eddiem 139]

It probably differs from person to person and couple to couple. For me (half the answer) it was to bring out the enjoyment /spark in my wife who is a somewhat shy person but has that sexual animal side. Sex between married persons after a time can be very very "same" and when this dries up one of the parts often looks for someone more exciting as the day to day does get in the way.

 

While we are not fully into the LS we have great friends that are and for the same reasons as we... same old same... now they are closer than ever.

 

I enjoy seeing my wife enjoy herself, out of mind, out of body experiences and no matter what she says or does when playing the few times we have it is not personal toward me but a way of her expressing herself out of mind, out of body. We have great communication.

 

I have to admit though the first time, the first steps were like asking out that pretty girl in grade school. Often chicken out in the last second. But we did... The first time she was taken by another guy next to me was very erotic, very exciting and nerve racking.

 

My wife is a gorgeous woman who would have no problem in finding a new partner if she was alone and when at parties she is often a person all the guys want to play with. She is selective. So it is about enjoyment and trust.

[Numex 2,420]

I've been around a bit, lol.

 

The issue I have is starting a family rather than maintaing one. I'm single and have been for ages but I've always wanted kids and I'm not getting younger. But trying to find a husband to have children with when you'll only accept a completely open marriage, have a colourful past, and are rubbish wife material is not easy. I haven't found anyone yet.

 

You sound a lot like my wife; I love her madly. There is someone out there just for you, although he like me, may not have a past similar to you and my wife. So keep your eyes and mind open.

[Fundamental Law 2,891]

Quote

You sound a lot like my wife; I love her madly.

 

One of the wonderful things about the LS’ers on this board: this is the norm. Such spousal affection is rarely heard elsewhere.

[Fi86 78]

You sound a lot like my wife; I love her madly. There is someone out there just for you, although he like me, may not have a past similar to you and my wife. So keep your eyes and mind open.

 

Thanks darling I hope so. I'm desperate to start a family.

[luvin eye full 140]

Excitement I feel from being with new people and never being able to get enough sex. I lost my virginity and had sex with boyfriends from a young age and loved the sex. After having sex with a few different people and doing MFM I realised I actually enjoyed the thrill of having sex with different people more than I did being one boyfriend. Have sex with new people just thrills me in a way familiar sex doesn't. So I started looking at orgies and threesomes which lead to swinging, parties, gangbangs, etc. Things just evolved and as I became more confident I got more adventurous.

 

As I get older I'm unfortunately realising the lifestyle conflicts with family aspirations though.

 

lol i do not think its the LS that is a conflict in your case - but you should make a thread on it.

[Fi86 78]

luvin eye full said:

lol i do not think its the LS that is a conflict in your case - but you should make a thread on it.

 

Created a thread https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/60177-lifestyle-marriage-kids-and-being-lonely/

[couplers 4,658]

What Brought You Into the LS?

 

Fucking a second guy while not giving up the first. I loved it, and appreciated that the second guy married me and allowed me to keep right on with the first.