Looking for advice - wife wants to play alone

[Rodsteel 16]

Hi all,

 

So my wife and I started playing about 4 months ago. It’s been a lot of fun, with of course the usual ups and downs. So far we have been involved in almost exclusively MFM situations. It seems to be a lot harder finding 4 people that click versus 3. Our very first experience was with another couple where we both liked him but she really did not hit it off with the other woman. So, we’ve hit more of a sweet spot, at least for now going the MFM route. We’ve also had a couple of guys that we both really liked that have failed to come back after the first or second “date”. We are really looking for a long-term FWB that we can rely on.

 

With all this being said, we’ve recently found a guy that we both really like. BTW, I’m straight. He fits our needs from a conversational perspective, and we also like his body and sexual prowess. Here is where I’m having a bit of a dilemma. The wife is really into him and has recently told me, something I already knew, that one of her fantasies is doing him without me knowing before hand. She has agreed, and she’s never lied to me, that she would not do it without my permission. However, part of the kink is not telling me before and me only finding out afterwards. She’s also agreed to tape the entire thing for me as I really get off on watching. So a little bit of my dilemma is that I find it really freaking hot, as I like all kinds of kink, and I know he would send her back very satisfied. However, I can’t help but be a little jealous that she desires doing it without me. It’s not a big deal for her if I say no, but I also care enough that knowing that is her fantasy urges me to want to comply. Does anyone with so much more experience than me have any advice or POV?

[JandKinBoise 858]

Welcome to The Swingers Board! Hopefully you will find your answers here.

The problem I see in MFM relationships is the guy wanting more and more. We really wanted to not be bed hopping and to have an FWB or 2 who were good friends and safe. We had one who we were with for quite awhile, even taking him on vacation with us a few times. But eventually he made his move to break us up and take my wife. After him, we changed a few things we were doing to avoid another event like that. Our best system was to have access to a few guys we could see every month or so. Rare enough to keep it fresh and hot and not enough to develop feelings.

My $.02 is to avoid allowing this but you know you guys and if you are a strong enough couple, it may be ok. Keep in mind, it may be him talking her into this.

[adamgunn 1,460]

I commend JandK's post. The real worry is the other man trying to break up the relationship.

 

Now, if you find her going off with him unannonced hot, and she does too, it might not hurt to do it once. You'll always have that memory. But have an understanding that it's just the one time, that all subsequent encounters must be approved by you in advance. If she can't / won't agree to that, I'd veto the idea.

 

My take - and I could be wrong - is that she's having NRE about this guy. That's cool, that's the kind of thing you want to get into this hobby for; and NRE fades after time. But if it evolves past that, it mean that the primary relationship can suffer. You don't want that, you don't even want the chance of that happening.

 

The best of luck to you . . .

[Rodsteel 16]

Great advice everyone. I can say without a doubt that he has not been aggressive About excluding me from the relationship. I think it really boils down to two things. The first being that she sees a certain kink in the sanctioned but not forewarned meetup. Additionally, it must be hot for her to imagine how unbridled his sexual vigor would be knowing I’m not there to really intercede. Secondly, she got the sense, as did I, the last time he was there he was a little intimidated by my constant presence watching. We’ve had enough bad experiences but she’s probably also being a little sensitive to making him feel more comfortable, rather than him possibly choose to not interact with us in the future.

 

With all of that being said, I’ve done some soul-searching over the past day regarding why I’m having some jealousy about her playing solo. I get so much enjoyment out of watching, much more so than heavy interaction, That I selfishly feel like I’m going to miss out on the experience by them having sex alone. I know I should be more mature than that, but it’s just so damn hot for me to be there and watch as everything goes down. And to a degree, and after 12 years of marriage, we are having so much fun right now I can’t imagine not experiencing every second. I understand that there are a lot of men and women out there who really enjoy the idea of their partner playing solo, and hearing all of the gritty details after the fact. I guess I just need to decide if that would also do it for me. Then again, an extensive home camera system with recording may help ease the pain. What do you guys think, based on your experience? Thank you so much for your help.

[Scaredstiff 129]

It sounds to me that you have enough concerns to warrant shelving this idea until you are more sure if it's a)something you want

b)something you can cope with

[Numex 2,409]

So a little bit of my dilemma is that I find it really freaking hot, as I like all kinds of kink, and I know he would send her back very satisfied. However, I can’t help but be a little jealous that she desires doing it without me. It’s not a big deal for her if I say no, but I also care enough that knowing that is her fantasy urges me to want to comply. Does anyone with so much more experience than me have any advice or POV?

 

I let my wife do whatever she wants, sometimes it's alone, sometimes she drags me in for her pleasure, sometimes she invites me in with another woman for mine (although I enjoy it all). Two big things for us though, my wife tells me everything, if not before then after. She's my best friend and likes to talk to me about everything, including her sex life. Second, my wife doesn't want any hanger-on-ers, so I don't have to worry about that, she'll kick them out long before I have any problem with it if any guy gets too clingy. But really just all depends on how you guys are, that's our story.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It comes down to comfort. If you are both comfortable with it then go for it but set very specific boundaries - as someone else said agreeing to it in this instance does not mean you are agreeing to it in all future instances. It's a one time thing (until such time as you agree to do it again or agree to allow it as a regular thing).

 

That said, I can't help but have a few questions based on what you've shared so far....

You mentioned that she didn't hit it off with the other women of the couples. Is she jealous of other women being with you? Is this turning into a one-sided thing where she's getting what she wants but you aren't? You said that you really enjoy seeing her with other men and perhaps that's enough. But, if it's not enough you will eventually get frustrated and resent her for getting what she wants while you feel left out. I don't know if I'm on base, but it's worth considering, especially before you go a further step with her playing alone.

[NINER69 24]

Personally, I could never let my GF have sex with another man on her own. It may be her fantasy but she should respect your wishes and vice-versa. If the other man feels intimidated by you being there, I think that with time, he will feel more comfortable with you being there. This is something that should have been discussed before you two decided to bring other people in to your sex life. I bet she must have concerns about some things and will not want you to do certain things as well. I don't like having my GF off on her own with another guy mostly because of my concerns for her safety. It's a give and take thing when you are involved with another person. Make sure to talk about any other concerns and set additional boundaries if you have to. Good luck!

[Numex 2,409]

Personally, I could never let my GF have sex with another man on her own. . I don't like having my GF off on her own with another guy mostly because of my concerns for her safety.

 

What about exes? She's been with them before and they're exes for a reason, plus you know they're safe. (Unless someone is violent and then you stay away.)

 

You might have guessed my wife plays with some of her exes. Works good for us.

[padoc 1,703]

Mrs Doc had sufficient one on one sexcapades before we met, married and later started swinging. We got into this hobby to share the erotic fun together. While we loosely have hall passes we don't use them often and we won't play without the others knowledge and complicity. Notice that I didn't use the words consent or permission. Part of why we became swingers was to minimize the likelihood of cheating. Our thought was 'why go off on the side when we can pick our playmates together and enjoy them and us at the same time"? If I boinked one of our female playmates on the sly, I'd feel guilty and Im certain my wife would feel that I betrayed her and our partnership. Our swinging days would probably be over. If she boinked one of the guys similarly, I'd be pissed. I'd be pissed at her of course but I'd be more pissed at him for his lack of respect for our relationship. His swinging days with us would be over.

[luvin eye full 140]

Good advice from all -

 

I think for myself it comes down to why you swing

 

For us the marriage is upmost - swing partners are fun but not needed to be happy with in our marriage and if or when the day comes and one of us says - "well that was fun now lets do something else" Then so be it - even if it came today then swinging would be over in a hart beat.

 

Swinging does not define our marriage it is only something we do because we both like it - i do not buy into this crap about oh i want my wife to have the best bla bla bla - or my husband should have what he wants bla bla bla.

 

So you have to ask your self are you doing it to just make her happy and you not? or could she not go alone - i mean it is to be to the benefit of both is it not? but if you don't get anything out of it why do it?

 

I think you guys need to talk it all out 1st and honestly if it was myself and my wife still wanted to go of by her self and take my reason for doing this away just to suit a play partner then i would not continue with it at all.

 

So if your thing is to experience it with her then do not take anything less just to please her - it's you and her 1st and both of you need to remember that.

[NINER69 24]

What about exes? She's been with them before and they're exes for a reason, plus you know they're safe. (Unless someone is violent and then you stay away.)

 

You might have guessed my wife plays with some of her exes. Works good for us.

 

Well if they are her exes or guys you know are safe, then I guess it would be ok. That has never come up for me and my GF. If it works good for the both of you, then I don't see anything wrong with it!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Ex's worry me since they are two people who have previously had feelings for each other. It's not that big of a leap for them to start wondering why they broke up originally and at least one of them to think about rekindling a relationship. Also, they usually know your circle of friends (if they are not a part of that circle). It would be easy for them to destroy a reputation by passing around rumors of what you have all been doing together. This is why we think it's better to keep things removed and apart from people you already know.

[machiavel55 81]

..........That said, I can't help but have a few questions based on what you've shared so far....

You mentioned that she didn't hit it off with the other women of the couples. Is she jealous of other women being with you? Is this turning into a one-sided thing where she's getting what she wants but you aren't? You said that you really enjoy seeing her with other men and perhaps that's enough. But, if it's not enough you will eventually get frustrated and resent her for getting what she wants while you feel left out. I don't know if I'm on base, but it's worth considering, especially before you go a further step with her playing alone.

 

Julie nailed it.....this jumped at me too...what's the deal with that Rodsteel?

 

Rodsteel, there's having fun....and there's having dangerous fun.

Wanting to please your wife is all good, but forgetting about you so early in the game(4 months)is looking for trouble....once you guys are more experienced, maybe you can both do solo dates, but right now, unless you don't care about being with other women or are into hotwifing, cuckolding, etc.., find a couple before doing another mfm.

It looks to me like you should put your foot down and tell your wife you need to even things out a bit(MFM vs Couples), because I don't think you can count on her to do it for you.

[Numex 2,409]

Personally, I could never let my GF have sex with another man on her own. .. If the other man feels intimidated by you being there, I think that with time, he will feel more comfortable with you being there.

 

Your right, it doesn't matter how the other guy feels, but it does matter how your girlfriend feels. It's a different experience fucking someone alone than with someone watching. My wife likes it sometimes so she does it. I can understand because I get the difference when were swinging and break off into separate rooms, or ocassionally I fuck one of her girlfriends alone. Different kind of play.

[Tahoecple 319]

This thing isn’t for everybody, and what’s right for some isn’t right for others. For us it’s about a shared sexual experience, we don’t do hall passes or cheat on one another. Now that’s not to say that we haven’t done separate room romps because we have. We just haven’t gone out on dates without the other, that’s just not our thing. With all cases with us I’m in control of the situation and that’s just from a safety stand point. I don’t have to be close enough to hear her scream out her orgasm, but I will be close enough to hear her scream for help if she ever needs it.

 

The one thing you said that caught my attention is that your third might have felt uncomfortable with your presence. My thought on that is that we always try to be good hosts, but we are the hosts and if he’s not into that then he’s free to look elsewhere for his pleasure. It’s up to the couple to set the rules of engagement not the third. I would also be curious to know if her meeting him without telling you about it was something that your lady is just thinking about, or if this guy has contacted her behind your back and mentioned that as something that he was interested in. I can tell you emphatically that if he is contacting her behind your back you need to send him packing.

 

I can’t tell you what’s right or wrong, that’s up to you two. I can tell you that her meeting another man without you knowing about it has too many warning flags to count. There’s having fun, and there’s being careless, this can be a lot of fun, but it can be real dangerous if you’re not careful.

 

Have fun and play safe, good luck to you two and I hope it all works out for both of you.

[Numex 2,409]

For us it’s about a shared sexual experience, we don’t do hall passes or cheat on one another. . With all cases with us I’m in control of the situation and that’s just from a safety stand point. I don’t have to be close enough to hear her scream out her orgasm, but I will be close enough to hear her scream for help if she ever needs it.

 

-- if her meeting him without telling you about it was something that your lady is just thinking about, or if this guy has contacted her behind your back and mentioned that as something that he was interested in. I can tell you emphatically that if he is contacting her behind your back you need to send him packing.

 

Interesting perspective, and I understand. Our situation is a little different. Not every encounter has to be "a shared sexual experience". That's part of the fun. There is also no cheating for two reasons, we already know that we are fucking other people and who they are, and second is we both love to talk about it.

 

Also, we have sex with a regular set of people we have known for a while, so there's no safety concern even if my wife is meeting one of the guys alone. Finally, I know my wife has feelings for one of the guys (I've even heard them exchange "I love you's"), but I see that as positive. He's good to her and respectful towards me(which is part of being good to her), and I MUCH perfer that to some guy who just sees her as a cum dump and is on his way.

[couplers 4,614]

... The wife is really into him and has recently told me, something I already knew, that one of her fantasies is doing him without me knowing before hand. She has agreed, and she’s never lied to me, that she would not do it without my permission. However, part of the kink is not telling me before and me only finding out afterwards. She’s also agreed to tape the entire thing for me as I really get off on watching. So a little bit of my dilemma is that I find it really freaking hot, as I like all kinds of kink, and I know he would send her back very satisfied. However, I can’t help but be a little jealous that she desires doing it without me...

 

You seem to like the idea, especially with her videoing it. Try it, if you don't like it stop.