Lifestyle, marriage, kids, and being lonely

[Fi86 78]

Others have suggested I make a thread on this after my posts on another thread here What Brought You Into the Lifestyle?

 

So here goes. I'm a single girl, 31, been in the LS since I was young, I've been very active in the LS for all these years and have a very colourful sexual history. I lost my virginity young and have been involved is most things you'd care to mention, one night stands, threesomes, parties, clubs, gangbangs, and so on. I've no idea how many partners I've had in total but I worked out on another thread it's in the 500-800 range.

 

I'm bisexual, prefer men for sex but I bond more with women emotionally. I've not had a boyfriend in years but I have had a couple of girlfriends.

 

I'm very independent and strong willed, I don't work well in relationships with having to consider and support someone other than myself. I'm also, let's face it, a slut. I love new partners, the LS, even being flirty and dressing slutty. Therefore I could never imagine being tied to one sex partner, any relationship would need to be open, with me having complete freedom.

 

Anyway for the above reasons relationships with men don't work out for me and frankly not many men want to be involved with me due to my specific needs, personality, and LS. I've mostly been OK with this throughout my life. But I'm not getting any younger.

 

The biggest concern I have is children. Believe it or not after saying all this but I'm very maternal. I've wanted 3 kids since I was a girl, and still do. The urge is getting stronger, biological clock I guess. And although I value my independence and sex life, I do still want a husband. All my friends are married, I come home to an empty house each day, and don't want to be alone forever. And if I'm to start and raise a family, I'd like to do it in a marriage.

 

So there we have it, my life laid out. Are there men out there who would consider marrying and having a family with someone like me? Am I too difficult? Is my past too unattractive? Should I change things about myself to move to the life I want in the future?

 

Tbh I don't know what I'm after from this thread. Advice on how to meet someone right for me, or how I should change myself I suppose.

 

I am considering starting a family as a single parent. I'm running out of time slowly to get married before having children. This could be an option?

 

Thanks.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

A few remarks.

 

1. The single parent route is tough. We know an attorney who has chosen this route. Her life revolves around her (only) child and the rest of her social life has more or less frittered away to zero. Your adult relationships seem to matter much more to you than hers did/do to her. Yet her isolation and loneliness are apparent. Think through any 'single parent' decision with great care.

 

2. Marriage is defined precisely by the people in that relationship. At 31, you are unlikely to change your core values. You have entered the middle third of your life. Attempting to change to please some to-be-determined person is unlikely to be successful.

 

3. It is not a matter of you being "too difficult", or having an "too unattractive past". Marriage is a bonding and a sharing. Perhaps a useful question to ask of your non-sexual self is "what would that bond and that sharing mean?" Marriages need not be based on sexual exclusivity; indeed, the lifestyle rejects that notion. Yet the solid marriages that you see/hear/read about in the LS are very much about the bond/sharing.

 

All of the above is meant to catalyze introspection. Each of us has wants, needs, and desires. Each of us makes decisions that balance those wants, needs, and desires. How much of your personal lifestyle are you willing to delay/set aside for two decades raising children? That experience of raising kids can be shared, but it cannot be delegated.

[Alura 2,774]

If I were half a century younger, Fi-56, I'd be ringing your number.

 

In fact, your post about covers the issues the late Mrs. Alura and I talked about on our second date. We married two years later and had our kids seven and nine years after that. Our most important modification to your thoughts of sexual freedom was that we'd talk about it first. Well, that didn't work out as a hard-and-fast rule, but the foundation was strong.

 

Try to meet the sort of men you might like to be married to. When you do, let them know exactly what you want. Don't be afraid to modify your rules, but always tell the truth. If they can't handle the truth, they can't handle being married to you.

 

Again, I wish I was a candidate. I lived that dream for twenty-seven years.

 

EDIT: I can't imagine how I'd have managed to raise our two sons if I hadn't had Laura beside me.

[kikonkrome 844]

Well I single parented and have adopted children. Yes it can be difficult to manage, but you can I did and still do pay for baby sitters. Frankly you just have to if you want adult piece of mind. I get them online and they need to be background checked.

 

As far as marriage to man, I guess it would be just like marriage to a woman, everyone's needs should be met. So while you are out with you play partners what needs are you fulfilling of you spouses. Well there are a lot of guys that enjoy hotwifing. I am good friends with one, and have had a few threesomes with his wife. They tell me she describes it in detail and he loves it.

 

I have no idea how you find that though.

 

Good luck and keep us informed.

[luvin eye full 140]

Honestly i do not think you would get many offers from a man or a woman to be a partner for any thing more then a good time.

 

That is not saying your not right to want what you want - i am just saying for every action there is a consequence to that action.

So far your actions (wants ) have had the consequence of not to many partners that want to have a family.

 

So if you really want to do this then Kikonkrome may be right in that you would need to find a guy willing to hotwife or something along those lines.

 

But here are just a few concerns i would have -

 

Why are you a "slut" as you say? what drives you to this.

I think there are some real issues with self worth here - but i maybe off track

 

And if you did find someone to go along with this - are they just there to look at the kids? and the kids you bring into this life of yours - how much time are you willing to spend on them - as i said these are only a few things.

 

Once you have a honest view of what drives you - then you can start planing how to achieve and get what you want.

 

Lastly - some may see what i have posted as some how coming down on you - it;s not meant that way - i hope you do find what your wanting but i think there is somethings you need to look at before bringing a child into your life style.

[Jane1902 476]

I applaud you for your insight. Children change your life forever. I cannot imagine not having been a mother so I do understand your yearning. I do also know many women without children of their own that work with children. Sometimes it's great to give them back at the end of the day. Your comment about not being good at relationships is what sticks out the most. Why are you not good? Add children and the challenges multiply. And sometimes no matter how much you want the relationship to work out it still doesn't. I wonder would a poly family situation work well for you? Define what you want and put it out there that is what you are looking for. There are single men on sls looking for LTR.

[a_d_xxx 663]

Fi86 said:

I don't work well in relationships with having to consider and support someone other than myself... with me having complete freedom.

 

Everything I read in your original post had me nodding my head and going, yep, no problem, until I got to the above two statements.

 

Relationships, in my view, are all about compromise, communication, and respect. Relationships with children are doubly so, in that for the first 15-18 years of their life, you need to be performing the role of both sides of the relationship with their best interests in mind because they are emotionally and mentally unable to do so. In addition, open relationships rarely mean 'having complete freedom', in my experience they usually succeed because boundaries have been negotiated and both sides understand and expect that they will diligently bring value to the whole.

 

So, maybe your wording was just hyperbole, or maybe you really don't have any interest in supporting someone else, and maybe complete freedom is your sole motivator. If it's the former, figure out what you really are willing to offer, what you really are willing to sacrifice to give your children what they will need, and what freedoms you really are willing to compromise to make that happen. If it's the latter, I would humbly submit that (the whole question of finding a partner aside) maybe having children would be a poor fit for your personality and lifestyle.

[allaboutthemrs 84]

Our life has been someone in-reverse of yours in that we married young, had a family, and then discovered the Lifestyle later, but I think I have a little insight worth offering.

 

Having been married and monogamous, raised kids, done all of the most vanilla, normal life things that we do just like our parents did, I can tell you that I believe there are many things your are worried about that will take care of themselves if.....and I mean a BIG if.....there is love involved. This doesn't mean love replaces sex (it actually enhances it for us with both vanilla sex and LS sex) but it strangely changes the direction of thought day to day. Rather than being focused on "will he/she accept me, can we get along, I need more sex than he gives me, etc." you'll be more focussed without even trying on the betterment of the relationship and the family. And, there's one other simplifying term that I'll throw out there that has been a relevant part of ours and many other couple's lives: "nesting." It's a real thing. When kids and the strength of the family become a priority you may still want extra lovers but they won't be the key focus of most days.

 

We often talk about whether or not we could have handled the LS in our 20's and early 30's and we both totally agree that it wasn't an option for us back then because we were nesting. We did our time as little league coaches, school volunteers etc and deeply love our kids and each other and wouldn't trade all the days of chasing kids for anything, but wouldn't want to go back at this point in our lives and do it where we are right now. Not that we wouldn't live the same life all over again, just been there done that and now enjoying being naughty together.

 

Hope this helps. I wish you the happiness that I/we have.

[PeterJ 953]

a_d_xxx said:

Everything I read in your original post had me nodding my head and going, yep, no problem, until I got to the above two statements.

 

Relationships, in my view, are all about compromise, communication, and respect. Relationships with children are doubly so, in that for the first 15-18 years of their life, you need to be performing the role of both sides of the relationship with their best interests in mind because they are emotionally and mentally unable to do so. In addition, open relationships rarely mean 'having complete freedom', in my experience they usually succeed because boundaries have been negotiated and both sides understand and expect that they will diligently bring value to the whole.

 

So, maybe your wording was just hyperbole, or maybe you really don't have any interest in supporting someone else, and maybe complete freedom is your sole motivator. If it's the former, figure out what you really are willing to offer, what you really are willing to sacrifice to give your children what they will need, and what freedoms you really are willing to compromise to make that happen. If it's the latter, I would humbly submit that (the whole question of finding a partner aside) maybe having children would be a poor fit for your personality and lifestyle.

 

Gently but firmly this hits the nail on the head. Most people have a biological drive to reproduce, but not everyone has the psychological resources necessary to be an effective parent. Those who don’t are unlikely to find the experience of parenthood lives up to their expectation.

 

And in all frankness, they may not do a good job of producing psychologically healthy children who are prepared to live effective and happy lives. In my opinion, it’s a wise person who correctly judges his or her suitability for parenthood.

 

And as another commenter has noted, it’s possible to address one’s need to provide nurture in ways that do not include bearing children and raising them on a full time basis.

[njbm 2,877]

My wife and I were ambivalent about having children. We decided not to. We thought at least one of us should be enthusiastic about it. We were not.

 

We are happy with our decision. We are happily married for 32 years, we just retired at age 60 and when we want to socialize with the next generation, we take out some of our ten nieces and nephews, then give them back to their parents.

[Fi86 78]

Thanks everyone for your replies. You've given me a lot to think about. I need to have a think about myself and what I want. I'll post back later once I have my thoughts together.

[Numex 2,420]

Fi86 said:

..I'm also, let's face it, a slut. I love new partners, the LS, even being flirty and dressing slutty. Therefore I could never imagine being tied to one sex partner, any relationship would need to be open, with me having complete freedom.

 

Anyway for the above reasons relationships with men don't work out for me and frankly not many men want to be involved with me due to my specific needs, personality, and LS.

 

..Are there men out there who would consider marrying and having a family with someone like me?

 

There are plenty of men out there who would admire your traits and want to share a life and family with you. There are questions that will come up, however, particularly how you envision your marriage, you need to think about and answer for any interested guy. Would you: Swinging together? Have an open, one-sided (you) marriage? Open, both sides of the marriage? From what you say maybe sharing a girlfriend would work.

 

Questions about conception of the children: Be monogamous for a while? Restrict play to other than your pussy? Conceive "in the wild"?

 

You need to look in "marriage" places where people find spouses (eHarmony, the church, social groups), rather places of casual sex (save that for the fourth date ). But early on you'll need to be brutally honest with those you like about who you are and will continue to be. It will take some concentrated effort, but will be worth it. How many people make all of their dreams come true?

[mphil17 35]

Quote

I'm very independent and strong willed, I don't work well in relationships with having to consider and support someone other than myself.

 

This jumped out at me, and I realize you were thinking of romantic relationships, but parenting requires considering and supporting someone other than yourself. The difference is that “someone else” is completely dependent upon you. It is not a part time gig and it requires self SACRIFICE. I would caution you to make sure you are “very independent” and not “selfish” before becoming a parent. I hate being harsh but the second part of your sentence sounds more selfish than independent; selfish people do not make good parents.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I'm very independent and strong willed, I don't work well in relationships with having to consider and support someone other than myself.

 

That line caught me as well. Not only do you need to consider and support someone else in a relationship, but you don't have a choice about it when it comes to children. You can't divorce or break up with a child. Instead of trying to come up with a way to circumvent the system, maybe try looking at yourself and figure out why you aren't willing to give as well as you receive. No matter what happens, however, I think that there is the right someone out there for you (and everyone). Spend time looking...really looking and see what you can find. Good luck, we are on your side.