Making the jump from swingers to poly success stories needed

[Branigan 33]

Hi all,

 

My wife and I have been classifying ourselves as swingers for as long as we have been doing this (3 years now). We have had may amazing experiences and some not so much. One of the biggest issues is that 4 way connection. We found it in a couple that we are quite close to but we still see it as a "swinging" relationship, even though we adore them so much. At one point they entered into a poly relationship with a couple that lives in the same city as them and although kind of sad for our loss we were so happy for them. That relationship ended poorly for them and there was alot of hurt and a little strain on their marriage for a short time. Being involved in a large community I have seen numerous swingers travel the poly road and in many cases I have seen heartache, hurt and even marriages ending. In fact, I have yet to see a successful swinger -> Poly transition work out.

 

Well, recently my wife and I met a couple we connect with like mad. I'm talking crazy connection. Lots of amazing sex, amazing friendships, communication and similar goals and values. I've never seen a man please my wife the way he does and I've never been so comfortable with another woman as I am with her (besides my wife of course). All of this is just so incredible we are talking about labeling it. We talk about the future and we have booked a family vacation with them in March. We are all very excited.....BUT, with the numerous failures I have seen for friends and acquaintances it gives me pause. I fear that it is destined for failure. Worse than than I fear a strain on our marriage as feeling develop. Not for any specific reason other than what I have witnessed.

 

What I am asking is for people to weigh in on their stories. Stories of successes, failures and how to navigate through both keeping our relationship as the priority and without damaging it.

 

Another note to help get you in my head. My wife and I are childhood sweethearts. Been together since we were 14. We had only been with each other up until 3 years ago and certainly have never fallen in love with anyone other than each other. Our marriage is strong, we communicate and still have so much passion for each other. We have gone through issues since swinging but nothing that we have not been able to resolve easily. We are aware of the intense NRE involved here and keep ourselves in check but we are excited to see where this goes. I just don't want to end up being hurt or hurting anyone else involved.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First of all, just because you have all connected very quickly doesn't mean a thing...it's called new relationship energy (NRE) and most couples AND singles experience it. It isn't until the bloom starts to come off of the rose that you start really 'seeing' things with clear eyes. Don't be sucked in and assume too much at this time. Take it slow and easy, make sure that your (and their) current relationships come first and foremost. Sure, spend time together and have fun, but make sure that this second relationship is...well, secondary. Only time will allow everyone to really see through the image everyone portrays and allow you to see the 'real person' inside. There is no reason to rush into this, you have the rest of your lives, literally.

 

So who am I saying this? Well, we have been 'dating' another couple for...7, almost 8 years. We have talked about what would happen if one of us were to die, how the remaining couple would that them in and 'take care' of them. We have even imagined about the possibility of all of us moving in with each other...but we have kept it just at the talking stage for the time being. We always have a great time together, but we try hard to keep our primary relationship primary. At this time, the 'risk' is still not worth the reward and while we can get together however often as we want, we can all still go home with our SO and be able to have our private space. Maybe someday we will move towards more, but right now we would rather have a great primary relationship along with a great secondary relationship and not risk rocking this boat. It ain't broke...

 

A better question to ask is why do you want to move into this type of relationship so quickly? Is there something 'wrong' with your current relationship (cuz this won't fix that)? Think about singles who move too quickly when they first meet and how more often than not those relationships don't work out either.

 

Take some time, enjoy what you have, and there will always be the opportunity for more in the future. There's no reason to rush into anything as rushing (IMHO) all too often is what causes these types of relationships to fail. Enjoy what you have and let tomorrow bring what it will...tomorrow. I know, not what you were looking for, but we hope it helps somewhat.

[Branigan 33]

First of all, just because you have all connected very quickly doesn't mean a thing...it's called new relationship energy (NRE) and most couples AND singles experience it. It isn't until the bloom starts to come off of the rose that you start really 'seeing' things with clear eyes. Don't be sucked in and assume too much at this time. Take it slow and easy, make sure that your (and their) current relationships come first and foremost. Sure, spend time together and have fun, but make sure that this second relationship is...well, secondary. Only time will allow everyone to really see through the image everyone portrays and allow you to see the 'real person' inside. There is no reason to rush into this, you have the rest of your lives, literally.

 

So who am I saying this? Well, we have been 'dating' another couple for...7, almost 8 years. We have talked about what would happen if one of us were to die, how the remaining couple would that them in and 'take care' of them. We have even imagined about the possibility of all of us moving in with each other...but we have kept it just at the talking stage for the time being. We always have a great time together, but we try hard to keep our primary relationship primary. At this time, the 'risk' is still not worth the reward and while we can get together however often as we want, we can all still go home with our SO and be able to have our private space. Maybe someday we will move towards more, but right now we would rather have a great primary relationship along with a great secondary relationship and not risk rocking this boat. It ain't broke...

 

A better question to ask is why do you want to move into this type of relationship so quickly? Is there something 'wrong' with your current relationship (cuz this won't fix that)? Think about singles who move too quickly when they first meet and how more often than not those relationships don't work out either.

 

Take some time, enjoy what you have, and there will always be the opportunity for more in the future. There's no reason to rush into anything as rushing (IMHO) all too often is what causes these types of relationships to fail. Enjoy what you have and let tomorrow bring what it will...tomorrow. I know, not what you were looking for, but we hope it helps somewhat.

 

Thank you for this. Your perspective is exactly what i am looking for and I agree with you on all points. We are not looking to move in together or come out too all our family at all. Really it just comes down to allowing ourselves to feel. Giving each other permission to fall in "love" so to speak. Of course always keeping our primary relationship as the focus. We have never expressed emotions before and fully aware of NRE but we have been seeing them for about 4 months and things are going very well.

 

There is nothing "wrong" with ours or their relationship at all. In fact, one of the most attractive things about them (and us according to them) is the stability we both seem to have in our own marriages.

[padoc 1,703]

we have fallen "in like" with a couple or two over the years but I don't think we would be happy to find either or both of us falling "in love" with anyone. For us this is recreation and fun, we love one another, we have to like our playmates for it to work even once but deep and abiding love is what we DON'T share with anyone else.. Long term, we'd like to have a REALLY close relationship with another couple but that's not an easy thing to find. Even if we did that couple, Mrs Doc would draw a few lines, sharing bathrooms, bed hair and morning breath just wouldn't fly with her. In her mind the allure would disappear and the uniqueness of sharing orgasms with friends would become mundane. We're looking to accessorize our relationship, not complicate it or confuse it and I think if you start talking about love with another couple things begin to get blurry.

[couplers 4,614]

Hello, Petra here again with the same old story and a few questions. Actually, I'm not sure even what "poly" is; is it just something sexual or must it be more? I have accepted the label for our group, or "family" as I like to call it - two guys, three women and five children (so far, probably two more before we quit) from various combinations among the guys and women. Our family was not the merger of couples, but the accretion of individuals over the years. If you want to read more, I joined the Swingersboard ten years ago and have documented over the years how it all evolved. (Short version: I broke up with my fiance but never stopped seeing him, met a guy who was OK with it and married him, I got over my jealousy and found women for hubby to date (and explored my lesbian side), two of the women joined us, and we bought a large house and had children.

 

To me just because you like, have great sex with, and get along with another couple doesn't it poly, even if you're exclusive. It's a flavor of swinging. Poly requires that everyone in the group is equal and makes sacrifices for the others, and lives together. Here's my test: 1) Try a couples swap for a week; at the end does everyone feel good about it? 2) For a week live as an FMF, halfway through switching out the M; then live for a week as an MFM, switching out the F halfway. How do the dynamics work out? See how it feels when your wife is wanting him and you have to settle for sloppy seconds. See how the household works. 3) Are you willing to let your wife has his child? He let his wife have yours? 4) Most importantly, can you manage finances of this ménage à quatre? We've been there and done all that. It has many difficulties, but if you sacrifice to make it work it is worth it in every way.

[njbm 2,868]

We have no interest in polyamory. We like the excitement of meeting a new couple and exploring sexually. But our relationship is primary. We like our friends and we see some couples periodically, but if we lost contact, we’re not crushed. We are doing this for fun and we are trying to avoid emotional connection.

[couplers 4,614]

Another thing - to be poly you have to not only be comfortable but actually feel good about your wife telling the other guy "I love you," and hearing the same thing back.

[luvin eye full 140]

So when you say "I've never seen a man please my wife the way he does" does that also include yourself?

 

I see and here this a lot - i still do not get it! Surly you know how to please your wife better then he can - you know after over 30 years together we can jump into bed ( ok we slide more then jump these days lol ) and she will say don't!!

Which Means - "i know you can make me cum with in seconds and i do not want to yet" lol - if you do not know your wife's body that well then more practice is needed.

 

And girls if your husbands don't know your body that well yet then for the love of sex show them!!!

 

Back to the point NRE is what is going on and that's great - but let that be it, just like you i have never seen a swinger to poly work.

 

Best of luck.

[Branigan 33]

So when you say "I've never seen a man please my wife the way he does" does that also include yourself?

 

I see and here this a lot - i still do not get it! Surly you know how to please your wife better then he can - you know after over 30 years together we can jump into bed ( ok we slide more then jump these days lol ) and she will say don't!!

Which Means - "i know you can make me cum with in seconds and i do not want to yet" lol - if you do not know your wife's body that well then more practice is needed.

 

And girls if your husbands don't know your body that well yet then for the love of sex show them!!!

 

Back to the point NRE is what is going on and that's great - but let that be it, just like you i have never seen a swinger to poly work.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thanks for this but let me be clear, NO ONE can please her like I can. That is not a question. This new guy can please her, the only other person to actually give her the big O, but not like I can. I have been with her for 23 years, no new person can even come close to how we know each others body. As I say often when my wife and I re-claim each other after great times with other people, "There's no place like home"

 

The NRE is great but we are still figuring out feelings. Again, we proceed with cautious optimism.

[Branigan 33]

Hello, Petra here again with the same old story and a few questions. Actually, I'm not sure even what "poly" is; is it just something sexual or must it be more? I have accepted the label for our group, or "family" as I like to call it - two guys, three women and five children (so far, probably two more before we quit) from various combinations among the guys and women. Our family was not the merger of couples, but the accretion of individuals over the years. If you want to read more, I joined the Swingersboard ten years ago and have documented over the years how it all evolved. (Short version: I broke up with my fiance but never stopped seeing him, met a guy who was OK with it and married him, I got over my jealousy and found women for hubby to date (and explored my lesbian side), two of the women joined us, and we bought a large house and had children.

 

To me just because you like, have great sex with, and get along with another couple doesn't it poly, even if you're exclusive. It's a flavor of swinging. Poly requires that everyone in the group is equal and makes sacrifices for the others, and lives together. Here's my test: 1) Try a couples swap for a week; at the end does everyone feel good about it? 2) For a week live as an FMF, halfway through switching out the M; then live for a week as an MFM, switching out the F halfway. How do the dynamics work out? See how it feels when your wife is wanting him and you have to settle for sloppy seconds. See how the household works. 3) Are you willing to let your wife has his child? He let his wife have yours? 4) Most importantly, can you manage finances of this ménage à quatre? We've been there and done all that. It has many difficulties, but if you sacrifice to make it work it is worth it in every way.

 

Thanks for this, I will certainly be reading up on your story. It sounds like you have alot of insight to offer.

 

Based on your interpretation of poly, we would not fall under that. Maybe swinging 2.0 haha. We will never move in together, we will never place the other partner on the same level as our spouse or see those partners as equal. That is out of the question. We have a 23 year old relationship and no one can ever come in and receive the same level of love or devotion as we give each other. Regarding children, we are all fixed, every one of us, so that is out of the question. Even if we weren't, we would not look at anything like this.

 

I truly admire what you are doing, it takes a very strong and secure person to live the life you have described. I am excited to read about it.

[Branigan 33]

Thank you all for your insight. It is greatly appreciated.

[Branigan 33]

We have no interest in polyamory. We like the excitement of meeting a new couple and exploring sexually. But our relationship is primary. We like our friends and we see some couples periodically, but if we lost contact, we’re not crushed. We are doing this for fun and we are trying to avoid emotional connection.

 

I suppose perhaps my definition of poly is not accurate. The overall theme of responses here is indicating that Poly means that all players are equal. With that I suppose we are just elevated swingers. We will never put other people at the same level. We do have an emotional connection with them and it grows stronger every day but we won't ever forget who we are in this.

[luvin eye full 140]

I suppose perhaps my definition of poly is not accurate. The overall theme of responses here is indicating that Poly means that all players are equal. With that I suppose we are just elevated swingers. We will never put other people at the same level. We do have an emotional connection with them and it grows stronger every day but we won't ever forget who we are in this.

 

Hi

 

Well it sounds like your on the right track for what your looking for - and as long as you keep that (above quote) then you two will be fine.

 

Good luck to you all.