Can y'all play tonight? (A tale of miscommunication)

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I could post this under swinger experiences, but I feel it has more to do with swinging online than anything else.

 

A few weeks ago we got hit up by a couple on our local clubs website. Upon getting their kik handle I realized that I'd conversed with them previously after they'd contacted us on SLS. Basically, we do all our kik and text chats as a group rather than 1-1 (Or at least try to). I'd started a group chat and they refused to reply to the group and kept just messaging me so I'd dropped them. (#redflag1)

 

I figured WTH and gave them another shot, starting a group chat with them and both of us. A few messages in HE messages asking if I'll text the wife. We prefer to stick to kik until we've established a connection, but whatever (#redflag2). So, I reply that if she's cool with him giving me her number sure I'll message her. He finally comes back with her # so I message her. Crickets. A couple of days later he messages asking if we're talking. I reply that I messaged her but haven't heard anything back. I also asked "she did know I'd be messaging right?" No reply. (#redflag3 - at this point we've written them off). A couple of days later he comes back again asking if we're talking. My guy replies that I've messaged her and not gotten any response and perhaps there's some miscommunication on their end.

 

He replies "let me look because I thought we had plans to meet and swap next week." WTF?

 

Us: Evidently you have us confused with someone else, because we haven't had any dialogue with you regarding playing.

 

Him: Can y'all play tonight?

 

Us: Nope. We have plans. Aside from that, we haven't had any meaningful conversation with you to even see if there's potential interest in playing.

[njbm 2,871]

Sorry to say, but par for the course. Is everyone so rude these days or is it just Swingers? The advances in telecommunications have not been matched by advances in civility.

 

Good for you for dropping them. We find that the other couples’ ability or inability to make and attend a date is the vetting process.

 

In the words of the Soup Nazi: Next!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

So true. When things seem off from the start, they just stay that way. You see it with everything, but especially in swinging. If there is the slightest hint of cluelessness even in their profile, much less any communications, then we immediately write them off. If they can't get their act together on those simple things when given plenty of time to figure out which path to take and formulate a good response, then in the heat of the moment, they probably aren't going to have their act together either and that just leads to a sucky night for all involved.

 

One of my favorites was a message from probably the more bi-furious profiles I've seen, one of those "I WILL eat that pussy" types.

 

Them - Hi, She's hot, she can't wait to eat that pussy!

 

Us - no reply, since she's straight and profile indicates that.

 

Them, second try a few days later - She eats pussy like you wouldn't believe, she'll have her screaming out all night long!

 

Us - You all did see where she's straight, right? Sorry, not interested.

 

Them - Yes, we saw that. Y'all want to get together and fuck this weekend?

 

 

I mean WTF, do these approaches actually work for anyone?!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

I could post this under swinger experiences, but I feel it has more to do with swinging online than anything else...

Aside from that, we haven't had any meaningful conversation with you to even see if there's potential interest in playing.

 

Julie,

 

Thank you for posting. This is less miscommunication than 'a failure to communicate'. It's one thing to misinterpret a message--that happens all the time in vanilla life as well as in the lifestyle. It's something else entirely to talk past another person or couple.

 

We do not attribute such behaviors to lack of civility, or even to "tone-deafness". Those would imply the existence of a relationship (here, relationship is used with a small "r"). Rather, we think such behaviors are symptomatic of the avoidance of a relationship.

 

"Can y'all play tonight?" Not really--because 'play' implies some sort of relationship, however transient.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Is everyone so rude these days or is it just Swingers? The advances in telecommunications have not been matched by advances in civility.

 

True that. There are at least two consequences.

 

1. Kind discourse stands out. Manners matter. The most attractive people are rarely the best looking, the "hottest" appearing. Rather, they are the ones who are engaged and engaging.

 

2. Civility can be confused with something more. Simple acts such as bringing a hostess gift or writing a thank-you note should not be confused with romantic gestures. Unfortunately, social graces have become rare in contemporary American society such that no one knows how to discriminate much less respond.

 

Etiquette provides a framework for relationships.

[njbm 2,871]

A couple online asked us if we wanted to meet to play this weekend. They never met us, they haven’t seen our pictures, we asked them to open pictures, but they are free members, so we expect to hear some excuse about why they can’t open pictures, if we hear anything at all...

 

We do like to meet, but we like to see face pix first.

 

Maybe some are just out for a roll in the hay. They don’t care to have a meaningful discussion and they do want to avoid any relationship.

[Leftcoastcpl57 18]

While we are not strangers to the online world, we have yet to hook up with anyone from strictly our computer or other devices. We are more of meet and greet and "get to know you" kind of people. That being said, there's a lot to be said for manners and civility. I think Fundamental Law outlined it quite well. We prefer people who use common sense and a decorum of politeness. If we click on that level then the rest comes naturally.

[Newcouple17 101]

While we are not strangers to the online world, we have yet to hook up with anyone from strictly our computer or other devices. We are more of meet and greet and "get to know you" kind of people. That being said, there's a lot to be said for manners and civility. I think Fundamental Law outlined it quite well. We prefer people who use common sense and a decorum of politeness. If we click on that level then the rest comes naturally.

 

To say that its been a long road for us to get where we are now would be an understatement to say the least, but if we'd stuck to the online sites we'd still be knowhere now!

After an extremely long time we moved from fantasy to looking and lets face it theres some great profiles out there! Obviously now we realise that most are fake.....it took us over 18 months to finally accept this fact and move on.

Our short but fast start into this lifestyle hasn't exactly been plain sailing, but its been very enlightening and with real people not fairytale profiles of dreamers.

We started the online process together complete with photos and what we thought was a well written profile. Well it soon became very clear that on the most part people were either pretending to be someone/something that they weren't or just wanted to perv at our pictures......needless to say I gave up. My husband persevered mainly on his own for some time before we stumbled across this site. To begin with I don't think either of us knew what to expect, but after some fantastic advice we went to a club (I think we just need a nudge really). That changed everything and turned our long time fantasies into reality.

Now we share some of the stories from here, but on the whole things have swapped and it will nearly always be me reading the columns and sometimes engaging as I've found that I get a lot from here personally. You see I really don't expect anything from this site other than a greater understanding of swinging/swapping and the occasional advice (much appreciated by the way).

I suppose as far as I'm concerned online swinging just isn't for me, I need a connection that you simply cannot get through the Internet and some of the reasons above are why which is a real shame as I'd imagine that plenty of nice people dip their toes and are completely put off from going any further.......who misses out......the genuine people.

[Jane1902 476]

I need a connection that you simply cannot get through the Internet

Yes there are a lot of fake, flakes, and people that are different from what each person is interested in. What I get from julie's tale is if something seems off it likely is. I move on quickly when I sense someone is not for me. I make it clear I don't do endless emails, and want a phone conversation before I'll exchange more photos (I am always surprised how many try to plan a meeting without talking - a sign to move on), and for me multiple layers to communication (kik, off site email) don't work for me. I have met some great single guys this way and not had any awful experiences where as at parties I feel like a piece of meat.

[njbm 2,871]

I’m not sure that I understand the benefit of talking on the phone. I would rather meet in person and if it’s not clicking, make it a quick half hour and leave.

[gollymsmolly 23]

I don't want to kik, talk on the phone, video chat, or exchange photos beyond what is in my and their profile. None of those things will let me know if there is an attraction, but 5 minutes over coffee will. So, I move quickly to an invitation to meet me for coffee. I'm not sure if I'm just lucky or if experience helps here, but only once have I had a meeting where I decided to decline the invitation to do more private things (and their profile was on the edge).

[Jane1902 476]

A voice helps verify someone is real, some people use Skype or video chat. Sometimes there are nuances I pick up on in a brief conversation that also weeds out a few more and saves trips for coffee.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

As I read through the story the notion that was coming into my mind is that the guy was typing while high on some drug.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Julie,

 

Thank you for posting. This is less miscommunication than 'a failure to communicate'.

 

I was looking at the miscommunication more on their part (and you may be right it may well have been and probably was more of a failure to communicate with each other. I can't imagine a situation where a guy sends someone else his wife's # and then asks THEM if they are talking... why do you not already know? Why are you not asking/ talking to your wife?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I’m not sure that I understand the benefit of talking on the phone. I would rather meet in person and if it’s not clicking, make it a quick half hour and leave.

A quick phone call or skype could easily answer whether it's worth making the trip / taking the time to meet them. It takes less time to have a 10 minute conversation then it does to drive somewhere and spend time meeting them, then deal with the awkwardness of it not clicking and having to end the night.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I don't want to kik, talk on the phone, video chat, or exchange photos beyond what is in my and their profile. None of those things will let me know if there is an attraction, but 5 minutes over coffee will. So, I move quickly to an invitation to meet me for coffee. I'm not sure if I'm just lucky or if experience helps here, but only once have I had a meeting where I decided to decline the invitation to do more private things (and their profile was on the edge).

 

In the singles world I did the same. I can't say why exactly I feel differently when playing as a couple... it may have something to do with the large amount of time I wasted meeting guys for drinks/coffee that I probably could have avoided with a 5 minute phone call to establish if they could actually carry on enough conversation to engage my brain enough to make me actually want to fuck them.