Respect - Interesting Thoughts

[Tm2017 40]

Hi all,

 

We recently arranged...and then cancelled...our first full blown, everybody in the pool type session. I was all in...hubby not so much. All good...we go back to talking. That's how this goes, I think! Anyway, one of the things this seems to have brought up for him is the idea of respect. I'm curious to get others thoughts on this one. A little background-He says that it's seriously hot to be able to explore sex recreationally. He really enjoyed his first full swap (mine didn't work out). With this new couple, both the guy and the lady were very interested in me and the lady was looking forward to providing my first bi experience and to playing with hubby. For some reason, he wasn't feeling it and in trying to figure it out, he has realized that it's possibly a 'respect' thing in regards to me. Let me explain...you know the old saying, guys want a ' slut in the bedroom and an angel in the kitchen'? Well he's realizing that I totally wanna be a slut in the bedroom...with him and other people. And he's wondering if that is what tripped him up this time. In the cases of our first swap, it was separate rooms, with friends. He was so totally focussed on her that he really didn't think about me. After all, he trusted the guy I was with, had known him for years, and so on. With the new couple, he didn't have that same situation. Has anyone ever run into something like this? My first thought was that's a kind of controlling respect. Which he had not considered. He totally knows I wouldn't leave him, etc., etc. I think he was genuinely surprised to realize that's what he was thinking. Anyway, I thought I'd open it up to you fine, intelligent people and see what others thought, if others had run into something similar, been through this kind of thought/growth process...

[lcmim 1,082]

A problem? Yes.

 

More importantly it is something he recognizes and owns as an issue.

 

Discovering things about ourselves is one of the big benefits of exploring the LS as far as I am concerned.

[JandKinBoise 858]

I think a lot of men have tunnel vision feelings going into swinging. We like to think we can bang a string of ladies and have no problem with our wives jumping on some guys dick. We focus totally on the fun aspect of it with no consideration of the peripheral feelings. Then reality sets in and the terminally hard dick is asleep. He is wondering why his wife is having so much fun with this guy.

Mother nature tortures us with the need to spread our seed and the conflicting need to possess our wife. Giving her up, if even for a few hours, can bring up never before dealt with feelings. Many men come out of their first experience thinking that it was not what they expected. It can wreck the confidence. A majority of men do not understand how other men can swing. Jealousy is a strong emotion, especially if rarely experienced.

Analyze your relationship and your feelings on the LS. See if this is for you or was just a life experience.

[Tm2017 40]

I think a lot of men have tunnel vision feelings going into swinging. We like to think we can bang a string of ladies and have no problem with our wives jumping on some guys dick. We focus totally on the fun aspect of it with no consideration of the peripheral feelings. Then reality sets in and the terminally hard dick is asleep. He is wondering why his wife is having so much fun with this guy.

Mother nature tortures us with the need to spread our seed and the conflicting need to possess our wife. Giving her up, if even for a few hours, can bring up never before dealt with feelings. Many men come out of their first experience thinking that it was not what they expected. It can wreck the confidence. A majority of men do not understand how other men can swing. Jealousy is a strong emotion, especially if rarely experienced.

Analyze your relationship and your feelings on the LS. See if this is for you or was just a life experience.

 

That describes it exactly I think. And it has certainly brought on some examination! This is one area where I am thinking more like I would expect a guy to! Lol...we are certainly talking and exploring the things this brings up. I had not thought so much about the confidence thing...wouldn't a guys confidence be better since I am going home with him? That's what I initially thought...but likely that's not the case. For me, seeing him thoroughly enjoying the attention of another woman was strictly a turn on..I asked for any new things that she tried that I could learn. It didn't occur to me to be jealous! But obviously he is wired differently! It's funny how after 30 years together, there can still be things in there that we don't know about each other ( or ourselves!)

[MadlyInLuv 94]

My wife and I are completely new. It is for the reasons you stated above that we are going to take this ultra slow. The first step is just being around people having sex, adjacent to people having sex while we do (with each other) and some touching/feeling/caressing and potential toy play with another couple. I've learned a lot from this board, and one of the biggies is that swinging comes in all shapes, types, varieties, and flavors. We have even read of a couple going to Hedo that wants to do Chastity play while there. A couple people questioned why that at Hedonism 2 of all places, but they reminded them that they swing in a different way than others, but that it was still a valid way to swing. Reading that was when it dawned on me how many different ways to participate in the lifestyle there really are. If my wife and I only ever have intercourse with each other but touch, breast play, and play with toys with others and that is as far as it goes -- it will still be non-conventional and a flavor of the lifestyle. And it will be OK if that is as far as it goes! Don't feel pressure to go any farther!

 

The universal truth is this: your marriage or relationship should be of the ultimate importance. If an activity is going to risk your marriage don't do it. Period. It will impact so many more people than just the two of you. A happy couple is more important than a couple willing to do a certain activity just because others are doing it. I'd rather be with a happy couple than a couple that is forcing and pressing the limits because of peer pressure.

 

Wow! I surprised myself with this post since we haven't even been to Trapeze yet. That adventure starts in less than two weeks.

[Tm2017 40]

My wife and I are completely new. It is for the reasons you stated above that we are going to take this ultra slow. The first step is just being around people having sex, adjacent to people having sex while we do (with each other) and some touching/feeling/caressing and potential toy play with another couple. I've learned a lot from this board, and one of the biggies is that swinging comes in all shapes, types, varieties, and flavors. We have even read of a couple going to Hedo that wants to do Chastity play while there. A couple people questioned why that at Hedonism 2 of all places, but they reminded them that they swing in a different way than others, but that it was still a valid way to swing. Reading that was when it dawned on me how many different ways to participate in the lifestyle there really are. If my wife and I only ever have intercourse with each other but touch, breast play, and play with toys with others and that is as far as it goes -- it will still be non-conventional and a flavor of the lifestyle. And it will be OK if that is as far as it goes! Don't feel pressure to go any farther!

 

The universal truth is this: your marriage or relationship should be of the ultimate importance. If an activity is going to risk your marriage don't do it. Period. It will impact so many more people than just the two of you. A happy couple is more important than a couple willing to do a certain activity just because others are doing it. I'd rather be with a happy couple than a couple that is forcing and pressing the limits because of peer pressure.

 

Wow! I surprised myself with this post since we haven't even been to Trapeze yet. That adventure starts in less than two weeks.

 

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding red adding my original post...we haven't participated in any play since this incident. And we won't until we can both agree we are good to go. There is no pressure from either of us to rush it. To be fair, we HAVE already had several experiences...this issue just came regarding this newest couple. But you are correct...there are many different ways to dabble in the lifestyle. It's whatever works for the two of you.

 

I just found the thought that I could enjoy it and that could affect his respect of me interesting. Shows we have a way to go!

[EastInWest 1,524]

Question: is the issue that he is worried about the other man enjoying you, or about you enjoying another man?

[Tm2017 40]

Good question! I believe it's about me enjoying another man...now I am going to ask him and see! But some of it was about me enjoying a woman as well...he's not one of those guys who enjoys girl on girl, so he sees that more as something he can't do for me and worries ( he knows unnecessarily...he has said so, but still) that if I really enjoy that part of it, where does that leave him?

[EastInWest 1,524]

It's a little hard to unravel this from a distance, but you mention the "lady in the street, freak in the sheets" thing. It's valid. There's a lot of cultural baggage about women enjoying sex.

 

Our situation was the other way around, in that she had reservations and I was pretty open about it, which maybe isn't as helpful here since the gender roles aren't interchangeable. However, what helped a little bit, I think, was being able to get conversation about sex separate from talk about the relationship.

 

Sex is what bodies are for, and it's not easy to disentangle that from a bunch of other issues, but at a basic level people have been getting off for fun from the beginning and it's normal to thrive on a little novelty. It doesn't have to "leave" anybody else anywhere. Getting past the idea that there's something morally wrong with casual sex in the first place was a big hurdle, and then she wasn't convinced until we'd actually done soft swap (oral) that we had the general idea "right" and we could do full swap without reservation and get off on each other getting off.

 

"What if my spouse likes sex with other people" assumes that there's some reason to think sex with everybody else automatically became unenjoyable when we got married. Most orgasms aren't about romantic love and don't need to be (although the ones that are certainly great).

[luvin eye full 140]

Hi all,

 

We recently arranged...and then cancelled...our first full blown, everybody in the pool type session. I was all in...hubby not so much. All good...we go back to talking. That's how this goes, I think! Anyway, one of the things this seems to have brought up for him is the idea of respect. I'm curious to get others thoughts on this one. A little background-He says that it's seriously hot to be able to explore sex recreationally. He really enjoyed his first full swap (mine didn't work out). With this new couple, both the guy and the lady were very interested in me and the lady was looking forward to providing my first bi experience and to playing with hubby. For some reason, he wasn't feeling it and in trying to figure it out, he has realized that it's possibly a 'respect' thing in regards to me. Let me explain...you know the old saying, guys want a ' slut in the bedroom and an angel in the kitchen'? Well he's realizing that I totally wanna be a slut in the bedroom...with him and other people. And he's wondering if that is what tripped him up this time. In the cases of our first swap, it was separate rooms, with friends. He was so totally focussed on her that he really didn't think about me. After all, he trusted the guy I was with, had known him for years, and so on. With the new couple, he didn't have that same situation. Has anyone ever run into something like this? My first thought was that's a kind of controlling respect. Which he had not considered. He totally knows I wouldn't leave him, etc., etc. I think he was genuinely surprised to realize that's what he was thinking. Anyway, I thought I'd open it up to you fine, intelligent people and see what others thought, if others had run into something similar, been through this kind of thought/growth process...

 

The others have good advice - i would just add - that for most of us his feelings are very real and i think not a few have had them - to myself i think it's about loss - ( in so much as will your wild times be better then what he can do all the time and what will you think of him then ) and yes it can be a real shock to one's self to realize that your feeling this -

 

But i think your both doing what is the right way to go about it also - slowing down or stopping is the best and i would just say good on you guys!

 

It makes my hart happy to see a post where the two can come together as one let us know what happens.

[Guest]

I think part of the problem is that hubby’s think the whole swinging thing will be erotic, they watch it on porn, read all of the good things about, become salesmen trying to convince we wives and girlfriends. We’re way more reluctant and the more they sell us on the good points of it, they lose any realization of the feelings they may have. Then, we “give in” or become convinced and try it, and like it. Now they are suddenly facing many of the emotions that we considered as possibilities for ourselves. I know after our first one, an MFM, I was totally sold on it. BF, now hubby, he talked about how amazed he was at my comfort zone, everything from allowing the guy to get a little thigh action when we were all sitting at the bar, to kisses and the elevator and how I had no hesitation with this that and the other. Most of this, he seemed to find erotic. But, he said he had issues when he heard me moan as the guys dick entered me and then heard me say, oh yea, fuck me ……and so on. We talked about it a lot. Two weeks later, I started flirting with and then seducing a guy sitting next to us in a bar at a resort, bf whispered, do you know what you are doing. I said yes, should I go ahead with it. He said, I’m in. And he’s been just as enthusiastic as I as we have added swaps and parties to our menu. Talk to him about it and work with him.

[Tm2017 40]

Just as a quick update...first thanks so much for the advice and comments. We have been talking and we are making progress. I think it was a lot of the 'shock" of realizing I could be totally into this couple with his 'hurt' after our last long time effort didn't pan out (whole other story-short version, spent tons of time talking with this couple, making plans, met twice for dinner - they were from out of town- and hubby and the other wife had a great connection...then they ghosted on us).

 

He is looking for a 'girlfriend' out of swinging. Now, it took me a bit to understand what he meant...but I'm 100% positive now that he is after that NRE...sex is almost secondary to what he's looking for. And I fully recognize that is something I can't give him. After all, we've been together 30 years! So When I was all about the sex...he struggled to understand that. Again...we seem to have switched roles here...or at least what the guy/girl roles traditionally look like. As a very traditional guy, I think he struggles with that as much as anything! We are still on hold, although he has said if I wish to have a girl/girl experience with this lady of the couple, I am free to do so, as long as I give him all the lovely details. So I am considering that, but taking my time with it. Ultimately, he would really like to be there to participate, but is not yet ok with me doing the same with the other couple. I believe that has more to do with his first impression of the guy (on the loud side, although very pleasant and respectful... Plus the other is a tattooed guy with a funky beard which hubby has issues with....hubby's issues are weird I know, but whatever!) I think if he had found that NRE connection with the lady of the couple, we would have been all in. At least this way, we are doing a lot of learning and communicating, which is never a bad thing!