Several thoughts; what's your opinion?

[couplers 4,654]

On occasions I view some vanilla family and parenting boards, which are populated primarily by women. Sometimes there will be a thread about nonmonogamy, like "my husband wants to swap with another couple," or "I want a threesome," etc. (The replies fall into three general categories: "We do that - try it," "We don't do that but have fun," and "Just thinking about that is despicable.") All understandable except the few who reply, "I used to ........... (have threesomes, swap, do anal, give blowjobs), but now I'm married and he better not even bring up the topic or I'll kill him." Some women say their husbands don't even know about their wild past sex life. To me, how can you not discuss an important part of your past (and present and future) with someone who is supposed to be closest to you? How can you deny your mate at least a discussion of giving him his fantasies?

 

 

 

Another topic was about not going to bed mad. Sounds like a good idea if you can pull it off, but in our poly family the dynamic is different. If one of us is mad at someone in the family (we're all lovers except the guys), that person will go to bed with someone else. Two advantages: the other person will talk some sense into you, and you can still have sex without thinking you're giving in.

[Alura 2,774]

I'd post a link sending them here, Couplers. It's where they need to be to get the answers they seek.

[couplers 4,654]

I'd post a link sending them here, Couplers. It's where they need to be to get the answers they seek.

 

Good idea, but I don't post at those sites, just not enough time. There's not even enough time to visit and post at this site as much as I would like.

[MadlyInLuv 94]

We try not to go to bed mad. I know it's probably harder in your family with the dynamics, but our policy is: "what if it's the last time you talk to her/him"? Life is too fragile to let the last discussion you had with a loved one be one of anger if you can at all help it. Just my opinion and yes...easier said than done sometimes.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

All understandable except the few who reply, "I used to ........... (have threesomes, swap, do anal, give blowjobs), but now I'm married and he better not even bring up the topic or I'll kill him." Some women say their husbands don't even know about their wild past sex life. To me, how can you not discuss an important part of your past (and present and future) with someone who is supposed to be closest to you? How can you deny your mate at least a discussion of giving him his fantasies?

 

To the first question, I don't think anyone really owes somebody a complete rundown of what they may have done in the past. I'm not taking you to mean it is truly owed to someone though, as in a debt that must be paid, which brings me to my (and your) next point. If your sexual history isn't just history, and instead is a core part of your being then, now, and into the future, then yes, I agree that in that case you do owe them that, meaning that it's not fair to them for you to hide something something so important to you, not to mention it's not a good recipe for relationship success either. So, I think it's a judgement call, it all just depends on how much what was an important part of your life then is still an important part now.

 

The last part about denying someone a discussion of their fantasies, I agree with that too. Discussion doesn't have to mean agreement, but I think it's true in any relationship and on any subject...the things that go undiscussed are the things that are going to do the relationship lasting harm.

 

Going to bed mad - we both try not to, can't say always successful

[couplers 4,654]

We try not to go to bed mad. I know it's probably harder in your family with the dynamics, ...

 

It's not often when one of us gets in a tiff with another, and it's actually easier in our situation. We have other lovers to go to, who understand, console and talk sense. We all have the attiude that the argument is just simply forgotten in a short time.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Two seemingly disparate questions. Both get to the notion of partnership. Partners keep the line of communication open, no matter how hurtful it might seem.

 

Going to bed mad with the communication line open usually results in "It hurts when you won't hold me." "Maybe you should hurt--you hurt me." "Can we break the cycle of hurting each other?" After a few turns of conversation, one or the other says what they're really angry about and the issue is addressed if not resolved. The only exception is when one or both parties is too tired to have a rational conversation.

 

Communication also includes disclosures of wants and needs. "I want to have sex with someone besides you" might sound like a horrible thing to say--but it's a lot better than not disclosing that want and cheating. The quest for sexual alternatives--if not variety--is biologically hard-wired, and it makes a lot more sense to get those fantasies out on the table. Once exposed, they are a lot less threatening. And in a partnership, it's fun to fulfill the other's fantasies. Not every day, but enough.

[couplers 4,654]

... I don't think anyone really owes somebody a complete rundown of what they may have done in the past...

Agreed. But I couldn't see being in a relationship with someone whom I considered a mate and not want to tell them everything, the good, bad, dreams, fantasies, mistakes, and hope they want to do the same. This doesn't mean just sex, but everything. And that's the way it is in our family. We are all naked to each other in more ways than one.

 

 

 

.. "I want to have sex with someone besides you" might sound like a horrible thing to say--but it's a lot better than not disclosing that want and cheating. The quest for sexual alternatives--if not variety--is biologically hard-wired, and it makes a lot more sense to get those fantasies out on the table. Once exposed, they are a lot less threatening. And in a partnership, it's fun to fulfill the other's fantasies. Not every day, but enough.

It's not a horrible thing to say; it was at first, however, a little difficult. What was more difficult to say is that you love someone else as well, and likewise to hear him/her say "I love you" to someone else. Two things make it normal and even joyous - that you love the other person as well, and it rests your mind knowing that someone else can take care of the person you love.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

While everyone knows how I go on and on about needing love/trust/communication to be successful in swinging, the truth of the matter is that you need all three to be successful in ANY relationship. That a huge number of couples don't have the trust and communication to be able to talk about past 'experience' or are unwilling to even listen to the suggestion (even if only as a fantasy) of a threesome or swinging is why so many relationships fail these days. I especially love it when one partner says that they are going to punish the other partner for THINKING about something (...but now I'm married and he better not even bring up the topic or I'll kill him). Just because you threaten your partner, isn't going to stop them from thinking about it and it only starts you down a road that ends in a dead end.

[luvin eye full 140]

So hang on one minute here! - if you guys are mad at each other you still get to go to bed together - what - like the same bed

 

Man I've been ripped off - i get the couch - now i'm mad again lol

[couplers 4,654]

So hang on one minute here! - if you guys are mad at each other you still get to go to bed together - what - like the same bed

 

Man I've been ripped off - i get the couch - now i'm mad again lol

 

"Make up" sex can be pretty intense. Even more intense is "I'm still mad at you, but want you" sex.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

To me, how can you not discuss an important part of your past (and present and future) with someone who is supposed to be closest to you? How can you deny your mate at least a discussion of giving him his fantasies?

 

It's kind of like starting fresh. You may have done things in the past that you feel are mistakes. You don't want your new partner to judge you on who you were before. You want them to love you for who you are now.

 

Another topic was about not going to bed mad.

 

That is a pleasant fantasy. I don't know where it started. No relationship is a good relationship without the ability to work through conflict and still be a committed loving couple.

[couplers 4,654]

It's kind of like starting fresh. You may have done things in the past that you feel are mistakes. You don't want your new partner to judge you on who you were before. You want them to love you for who you are now...

 

I can understand that point-of-view. But even if the past is over, it's still in your past. I can live with my mistakes (everyone has to), but it's so much easier to be able to unload on the one (or in the case of our poly family "those") you are closest to. Besides, everyone loves a good redemption story.