My swinging history with my ex is causing problems with my new conservatve Christian wife

[RRTpilot6969 15]

My ex-wife and I were in the lifestyle for several years, and then unfortunately found out she had been cheating (several times in college, and two separate affairs during our marriage) during our entire 10-year relationship, even while we were swingers (but never with other swingers). Took me a long time to reflect on what happened, how I may have contributed, questioned swinging, etc. It took me some time and many of my friends to help me realize she had a LOT of issues, and still does.

 

I was concerned there could be the possibility my ex-wife would try to accuse me of something false related to our swinging (I made her do it, etc.) that would eventually reveal my past to my new wife. Honestly, I approached the lifestyle with my ex-wife as a gift to her - it was all for her, not myself; I learned a lot about myself, and thought we had completely open, honest, and loving communication, never pushing each other to do something and always respecting our decisions made together as a couple, and truly thought it was improving our marriage. I give you that backstory to tell you my current story…

 

I’m remarried to an incredible woman, and could go on for days how amazing and stunning she truly is…we’re both devout Christians and attend church regularly. A few months before I proposed (she knew it was coming, ring picked out, etc.), I made it a point to be completely honest with her and tell her about my past in the lifestyle with my ex-wife, no details, just the blunt fact. I’m honest to a fault and deeply believe I owed my now wife the entire truth, especially in case my ex- decided to falsely accuse me of something related to our lifestyle involvement.

 

She didn’t take it very well, she was very disgusted and felt taken advantage of, etc., and I actually thought at one point she wouldn’t accept my proposal. It took a little while, but we finally worked through it, but not after some very specific questions she had about it all…which I tried very hard to still vaguely side-step (going into steamy sex details about an ex- with your current girlfriend isn’t exactly wise course of action).

 

My current wife is more reserved and conservative in her beliefs, but popular and stylish, and not at all a prude. She immediately denounced swinging and asked if I wanted her to do the same, pictured me doing all these gross orgies with ugly people, etc…typical mainstream misconceptions and misunderstandings of what the lifestyle really is…and I explained it to her. She’s not the most confident woman in bed, part of her reserved side, but I’ve been trying to get her out of her sexual shyness shell so to speak for a while.

 

But for the past couple years, year of engagement and year of marriage, our sex frequency has gone down considerably, almost seems like she’s disinterested. I have to initiate sex all the time, she never does oral (giving or receiving) or any other foreplay, and she makes it seem like a task to get done and over with most of the time. [side note, she’s performed oral on me once, while she was on her period because she felt obligated, which I stopped her and told her she didn’t have to just because of that and felt she HAD to please me, I’m a gentleman, and not selfish. She took it as I didn’t like how she was doing it, so she claims to this day…]

 

It worries me, and I’ve brought up my frustrations a couple times and she actually listened, but nothing really has changed, she hasn’t opened up and communicated or appear to feel more comfortable during sex. There have been extremely brief glimpses of hope at times though (before I discussed my frustration)… like when I was trying to skirt details of explaining the lifestyle, I did ask her about her sexual history and if she had ever had a one night stand before, which she did admit to me she’s had one (so at least one, maybe more, which was a encouraging in my opinion) and I was merely relating the similarity to swinging that sex can be for fun and just for sex and to help her see that her desires are not so far off from a swinging couples, it’s along the same lines and even better if you consider the open communication.

 

Another occasion, she initiated and for once acted like a sex goddess one night we stayed at a friend's house after drinks, wouldn’t let me get up without fucking her, she was vocal, passionate, wild, it was incredible…but she did have some drinks in her. Another - she tried to get me to have sex in a public bathroom when we were out with a bunch of friends once (work friends mind you), which I wasn’t really into and said no…which she got upset and accused me of swinging but I wouldn’t do that with her…caught me off guard a little and made me wonder her real intent for wanting to in the first place, testing me or truly acting on exhibitionism impulse.

 

With these examples, I’d like to think there’s a sexually free woman in there somewhere, at least I hope, she just doesn’t communicate about this kind of stuff very well, and I really hope her knowledge of my past doesn’t make her feel more inadequate or insecure in bed. If anything, I had hoped it would open her up to feel more comfortable in expressing her desires and sexual prowess with me, but it has definitely not.

 

I am not trying to get her to be a swinger, and won’t ever bring that up, ever, but I do want to have that same open communication and comfort sexually with just her that I learned from the lifestyle, complete and respectful open honest dialogue about what we both want, like, dislike, etc. I do want her to feel desire and comfort initiating sex on her own more confidently. I just don’t know where to start or how to approach…which is why I’m here, asking some old lifestyle friends for any sage advice or ideas that maybe I’m not thinking of or haven’t tried yet.

[JandKinBoise 859]

Welcome to The Swingers Board. As I'm sure you have seen, the site is packed with advice.

 

Yours is a unique situation. Many men talk about sex frequency dropping after several years of marriage. It's rare to see someone in a fairly new relationship have this problem.

 

You mention you are both practicing christians but you don't go into her religious history. Was her childhood pretty intense with fire and brimstone? Religious brainwashing can affect one throughout their lives. It sounds to me that your wife has a set definition of marital sex and is not flexible. Reading the hundreds of posts here over the years, the chance of you turning her around into a person that is comfortable having and talking about sex is the same as zero. The reason I say this is the alcohol incidents. Alcohol has a way of temporarily deleting standards and morals. Yes, there is a sexual being in there but I fear that bringing it out would be impossible and still maintain a relationship.

 

I'm assuming that sex isn't a huge deal in your life or you probably would not have gotten married after experiencing the drop in frequency. I suggest you stop stressing about that aspect of your relationship until you can get through the brick wall that has been built in her head. There are many excellent therapist that may be able to help her open up and see the world as you do. But you need to be prepared, as millions of married men are, to be in a sexless relationship.

 

I read this over many times trying to see where I can gloss it over. I know I'd hate to see this response if I had been the original poster. I am hoping that I am just being too cynical. Hopefully you can forget this 'advise' and get something better. Great group here.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

All relationships require love, trust, and communication. Doesn't matter if you are swingers, ex-swingers, or never have been a swinger. As one area increases, they all should increase. Just work on increasing all three. As the trust grows, the communication should improve which makes the love grow. I came from a strict religious upbringing and it took time to break down some of those barriers...there's several threads about religion and swinging, search is your friend. At the same time, you will also have to be able to open up and let her know your secrets...two way street. Take your time, but start today. You both should know about the others 'ghosts' and not judge, but accept what has happened to get you both to where you now are. Let us know how things go and we wish you both the best.

[Eddiem 139]

I think a lot of us have gone through this as well at various stages of our "sexual life". Mine was and still remains similar to your wife.Yes there is a sexual animal inside them it just takes a lot of gentle discussion and not pushing to have them open up.