Am I too picky?

[firebird09 37]

We took a break from swinging for a few months so we could work on our communication skills. In the last little while we put our profile back on a swingers site and have gone out on a few dates with other couples. What I am finding is I struggle to be attracted to the men. I am a curvy, sexy and feminine looking lady and my bf is a nice looking, tall and sexy guy. We meet couples and I am not in anyway attracted to the man and my bf seems to be willing to have sex with anyone who is simply female. It shocks me actually, some of these ladies are definitely not his type, overweight, or just not that great looking. I myself cannot just have sex with someone I am not attracted too but my bf is game for anything.

 

So you can imagine I am always the kill joy who says no while everyone else is up for it. To me if the man is not as attractive as my bf then why would I go there? Isn’t this about just sex? And if so, I think I need to be attracted to make it fun and sexy otherwise to me it is mute. I would rather go home and ravage my bf then have sex with some so so guy I am not attracted to.

 

I work hard to keep myself fit and attractive and I feel a little put out when my bf has no problem having sex with someone who just doesn’t look after themselves. How on earth do you even bring this up with your partner with our coming across as arrogant?

[Judy39 145]

You shouldn't feel pressured to 'take one for the team' if you don't want to. That said I think it's possible to be too picky, and comparing potential playmates to your long-term partner is a bit out of place here and creates unnecessary limitations. I find that people who enjoy swinging the most are very flexible, open-minded and willing to enjoy a wide range of scenarios, situations and people. However it works the other way around too - swinging teaches us flexibility, shows us how to enjoy more than one partner, one script, one relationship.

 

Who's screening the couples, to start with? Might be worth for you to do it, in order to increase the chances of you liking the guy and being more in the mood?

 

Also, lots of great thoughts on this here: https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/57390-can-you-be-too-picky/

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I am happy that Judy39 located that year 2016 "too picky" discussion and posted a link to it. This same discussion came to mind when I read your story. You have a perfect right to be picky.

 

I have looked up the discussion you started here last year about the defensive reactions that you receive from your boyfriend. I believe your fear of "coming across as arrogant" is reflecting the fact that you continue to fear his defensive reactions.

[luvin eye full 140]

honestly the way your post sounds - i think every one is beneath you lol - And that BF of yours - i mean really? he does what? How can you even go with some one like that - the next thing he'll do is tell you its only sex and he's not looking to replace the one he loves ( only because she's so beautiful ) but just wants to have fun.

 

Some men just don't get right? Lol ok o'm having some fun with you - I'll stop - You have every right to want and get what your looking for - but so does your husband - but your post sounds like -

 

Well i already have a good looking husband - so if I'm to play the guy better be more then my man is - this is a red flag and you need to talk it out asap.

 

I'm not sure how you can put this with out sounding like a .... well you know - but your going to have to other wise just stop.

[firebird09 37]

Luvin eye full... I am guessing by your response you have a dislike for me and women in general. Good luck with that.

[Judy39 145]

There are two parts to this, really.

 

1) You don't want to fuck someone you're not attracted to - totally your decision and your right, every time, with or without reason, and even if it means no fun for your partner as a result.

 

2) If your partner is attracted to someone you don't like and you treat them with contempt because of this, that can't be right. Unless we're talking about some extreme cases of poor hygiene or heavy drug use or something of that kind, I don't think it's kind of you to pass a judgement on your partner's sexual preferences. Again, he might not get to play with this person anyway but surely he can at least fantasize and talk about it openly, without being judged?..

 

Again, if this happens all the time, then the question arises how do you screen the couples to start with? Do you (the female) need to be more involved in that part?

[robaval 220]

We are really careful not to be taking one for the team!!!!! We have always noticed that it is difficult to find couples where all 4 are in sync!!! House parties, clubs and resorts with the larger groups of people have worked well for us, so we both are happy. We both work out mucho, but our age gap seem to affect some people, so we are careful with that issue too. Julie

[Erik13 157]

The thing I'm wondering here is that you saw the pics of the guys before you arranged the dates, correct? If they were so unattractive, why did you agree to meet?

Also for us, personality has won over looks before. People who didn't look so good in their pics won us over with their personalities and we ended up playing.

[firebird09 37]

Thank you for the great advice and it makes sense to me. I have yet to say anything to my boyfriend about his sexual preferences as that would not be fair so I keep it to myself. However we have yet to meet one couple where he said no. I don’t think I will ever say anything to him about it but I am always amazed at his capacity to be able to get it on with all the women we have ever met. I also read a previous post like mine I think you suggested and it was very good. I think I need to try harder to simply think of it as fun and not make the physical part the main attraction. I certainly have met men who are wonderful people and great fun to be around and perhaps that is enough?

[Erik13 157]

I think I need to try harder to simply think of it as fun and not make the physical part the main attraction. I certainly have met men who are wonderful people and great fun to be around and perhaps that is enough?

 

I'm not saying jump into bed with someone who completely turns you off..I just don't think you should be comparing men to your husband.If they're decent looking and have a good personality, go for it! And as far as him wanting to play with every woman you guys meet...that's what us guys do lol. Don't take offense to it.

[luvin eye full 140]

Luvin eye full... I am guessing by your response you have a dislike for me and women in general. Good luck with that.

 

Lol - Well actual i do not know you so your guessing is a little off - but yes as i said before you maybe.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

There is no such thing as being too picky. There's the right couple and there isn't the right couple. You just haven't found the right couple. Nobody said that this would be easy, but the search only makes the reward that much better...

[luvin eye full 140]

Thank you for the great advice and it makes sense to me. I have yet to say anything to my boyfriend about his sexual preferences as that would not be fair so I keep it to myself. However we have yet to meet one couple where he said no. I don’t think I will ever say anything to him about it but I am always amazed at his capacity to be able to get it on with all the women we have ever met. I also read a previous post like mine I think you suggested and it was very good. I think I need to try harder to simply think of it as fun and not make the physical part the main attraction. I certainly have met men who are wonderful people and great fun to be around and perhaps that is enough?

 

honestly whats not fair is that you are keeping it to your self.

 

It's not fair on him - because he does not know you feel this way - so he has no understanding of what he can do to make this a better experience for his wife. If fact he probably thinks there is no problems.

 

It's not fair on you - because your feelings are valid to you as well - and the more you keep them bottled up the worse for you and everyone around it will get - resentment will soon be able to find a crack into your marriage and it will snow ball.

 

The only thing you need to do is talk to your husband and let him know - then the both of you can move forward to the place where you both can have fun -

 

Your husband loves you - you love your husband - you both are willing to share each-other with other people - but you want to keep this to your self? ( if it was turned around and he thought of you, what you do of him, and then you found out latter - how would that make you feel? )

if your husband posted this same thing only he was keeping it from you i would give him the same advice ( yes and i would off given him some stick like i did you )

[agreatguy 269]

firebird09 said:

We took a break from swinging for a few months so we could work on our communication skills. In the last little while we put our profile back on a swingers site and have gone out on a few dates with other couples. What I am finding is I struggle to be attracted to the men. I am a curvy, sexy and feminine looking lady and my bf is a nice looking, tall and sexy guy. We meet couples and I am not in anyway attracted to the man and my bf seems to be willing to have sex with anyone who is simply female. It shocks me actually, some of these ladies are definitely not his type, overweight, or just not that great looking. I myself cannot just have sex with someone I am not attracted too but my bf is game for anything.

 

So you can imagine I am always the kill joy who says no while everyone else is up for it. To me if the man is not as attractive as my bf then why would I go there? Isn’t this about just sex? And if so, I think I need to be attracted to make it fun and sexy otherwise to me it is mute. I would rather go home and ravage my bf then have sex with some so so guy I am not attracted to.

 

I work hard to keep myself fit and attractive and I feel a little put out when my bf has no problem having sex with someone who just doesn’t look after themselves. How on earth do you even bring this up with your partner with our coming across as arrogant?

 

Sounds like you need more work on the communications skills to me.

 

Per your post, for you it's about sex so why not just have sex with the BF, right? Are you in this for you or for him? It sounds like you are in it to appease him and could easily step out of the lifestyle without any misgivings. If that's the case you probably shouldn't be in it to begin with. Be in it for you and both get on the same page or get out!

 

Perhaps for him, like it is for many of us, it's about variety. Perhaps he wants to watch you with others and is willing to TOFTT in order to be able to do that. Is that something you are comfortable with?

If you could back out of the lifestyle and allow him to remain is that something you can live with?

 

The bigger problem may be that you don't know how to bring it up at all. That indicates a communication problem. If you were communicating you'd know what he is thinking, what he wants from the lifestyle, what his tastes are and why. It may feel uncomfortable bringing it up but is that more uncomfortable than seeing him fucking women you don't understand his attractions to or that you feel are beneath him?

 

Bottom line is...We All Like Different Things...If you want to be in a relationship with this guy you are going to have to be open to what he likes instead of projecting on him what you think he should like. You should absolutely expect the same in return. The only way to figure it all out is TALK.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

There is nothing wrong about not doing it with someone that doesn't make you feel horny. I think your boyfriend is just being polite. He may feel the same way as you do but is willing to do it anyway.

 

Have you considered how you would feel if you met someone who is just like your boyfriend? Or better? How you might feel if you had an incredible experience with him?

[firebird09 37]

Well I think I should give a little history. We have been with a few couples where we have all enjoyed ourselves. In the beginning my bf was clear he would not get it on with just any couple so we were only choosing those who were a great match for us. We have also had the mmf which of course I really enjoyed because I had a great say in who we engaged with. Fast forward and now it seems like any couple will do, almost like it just doesn’t matter who they are, more like it is just desperation to get in on with others. Everyone has some idea in their minds what works for them, but as of late all of that has gone wayside.

 

I do enjoy the lifestyle but I don’t need to play with every couple we meet. I do not want my life to become all about the LS, for me it is a little thing on the side to have fun with once in awhile. But as of now it just feels so desperate for him.

[agreatguy 269]

honestly whats not fair is that you are keeping it to your self.

 

It's not fair on him - because he does not know you feel this way - so he has no understanding of what he can do to make this a better experience for his wife. If fact he probably thinks there is no problems.

 

It's not fair on you - because your feelings are valid to you as well - and the more you keep them bottled up the worse for you and everyone around it will get - resentment will soon be able to find a crack into your marriage and it will snow ball.

 

The only thing you need to do is talk to your husband and let him know - then the both of you can move forward to the place where you both can have fun -

 

Your husband loves you - you love your husband - you both are willing to share each-other with other people - but you want to keep this to your self? ( if it was turned around and he thought of you, what you do of him, and then you found out latter - how would that make you feel? )

if your husband posted this same thing only he was keeping it from you i would give him the same advice ( yes and i would off given him some stick like i did you )

 

Well I think I should give a little history. We have been with a few couples where we have all enjoyed ourselves. In the beginning my bf was clear he would not get it on with just any couple so we were only choosing those who were a great match for us. We have also had the mmf which of course I really enjoyed because I had a great say in who we engaged with. Fast forward and now it seems like any couple will do, almost like it just doesn’t matter who they are, more like it is just desperation to get in on with others. Everyone has some idea in their minds what works for them, but as of late all of that has gone wayside.

I do enjoy the lifestyle but I don’t need to play with every couple we meet. I do not want my life to become all about the LS, for me it is a little thing on the side to have fun with once in awhile. But as of now it just feels so desperate for him.

 

I didn't read all the other responses when I posted mine. I've gone back through and read them all now.

luvin is telling you like it is. Others have told you that you need to talk to him about it. Do it.

 

I know it feels like having that conversation may drive a wedge between the two of you but in all honesty your reluctance to talk about this with him is a bigger wedge that's already there.

[Jane1902 476]

From reading your previous posts it seems that sometimes when you have tried to discuss things with him in the past it hasn't gone well. I suspect that still needs to be resolved to successfully discuss what you each want out of the lifestyle. You seem to know he wants to spend more time than you do, is it overshadowing your relationship? I also understand the being picky and have been at parties where the only person I am really interested in having sex with is my date. You two also seem to enjoy different aspects - he is at the candy store while you prefer smaller more intimate groups.

[TricianMike 772]

First let me say good for you that you have a boyfriend that you think is the best looking man in the room. And you are lucky because he is the one you are going home with. Do you want your bf to only be with women better looking than you? There is no problem being picky. I have refused men. Mike is not as picky as me though he won’t screw any woman. It may be superficial to chose by looks only. Not everyone is beautiful. Beauty is only skin deep except when you are naked.

[LnM7677 18]

My husband and I newbies to the lifestyle in which we have came across the same scenario. One of the couples we have met I'm not really attracted to the male but he is a great conversationalist which has changed my outlook on him.

 

Different people, different sex styles, different body styles, different experiences and possibly new friends; in my opinion is what the LS is all about. Not comparing someone's physical appearance to my partner/spouse, that is sending a red flag that you may be looking for a replacement of your boyfriend and not just a sex partner.

 

The other red flag is that you have NOT talked with your boyfriend about your thoughts and feelings - this is the worst thing to do in any relationship - complete honesty and communication are the key in ALL relationships, need it be friends, lovers or family.

 

My advice is: yes you may be picky but it seems that you need to look within your current relationship before you decide to move forward with the LS.

[lovefest04 699]

Fast forward and now it seems like any couple will do, almost like it just doesn’t matter who they are, more like it is just desperation to get in on with others. Everyone has some idea in their minds what works for them, but as of late all of that has gone wayside.

I do enjoy the lifestyle but I don’t need to play with every couple we meet. I do not want my life to become all about the LS, for me it is a little thing on the side to have fun with once in awhile. But as of now it just feels so desperate for him.

 

I think this is the REAL issue. You want swinging to be something that you do, a piece of your life but not the focus or the "be all to end all." At some level you define that by how willing one is to hook-up. I think you want to have a life WITH swinging as a small part, but not have swinging BE your life. You are looking for high quality hook-up which you define partly by appearance or physical condition and he wants a lot of hook-ups. I don't mean to be politically incorrect, however sorta like we think of the difference between men and women. Men are dogs and women are more, shall we say, discerning.

 

I think it's totally fine to prefer quality to quantity and to be discerning. I think you should talk to your BF about it. Maybe hook-up less often and enjoy being in the swinging scene more often without actually hooking up. We, my wife and I, find the energy alone in group situations is an aphrodisiac and then we turn that energy towards each other for great sex. No partners needed. Then once in awhile, adding another person or couple is wonderful as well. Fewer hook-ups, lots of sexual tension leading to great sex.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[Sjmar 141]

Quote

“To me if the man is not as attractive as my bf then why would I go there?”

 

I’m a bit confused by that. Because of our connection, there is NO ONE I find as sexy as my husband. Swinging, to us at least, isn’t about finding someone who is “better” than him in the looks department, its about having fun adventures together.

 

Also, beauty is way more than skin deep, even if you’re talking purely about sexual attraction. Some of the hottest experiences we’ve had have been with people that wouldn’t necessarily turn our heads on the street- it was when we hung out with them and got to know them a little bit that they really became sexy af. On the other hand, we’ve met gym rats or people who look like models who turn us off as soon as they open their mouths. Superficiality, cockiness, or general douchiness is way more of a turn off than stretch marks, a few extra pounds or lack of washboard abs ?

[padoc 1,703]

Attraction is subjective. Looks are generally how humans start the process but overall attractiveness is way more than looks or penis/boob size. Some of the best times we'v had in this hobby have involved a couple or playmate who boinked our mind as well as our bodies. We've moved beyond looking for the "perfect" couple and have now boiled our selection process down to "doable." That takes into consideration that the woman may have a few extra pounds or a bit of a sag or the guy doesn't have a 6-pack or all his hair. If we determine that a couple is doable, we explore further with conversation and social interaction to see if an attraction develops. If it does, clothing starts to drop quicker than a gown on prom night. If it doesn't, we've still had a pleasant evening, unless they're totally hard core or complete jerks.

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

You're looking for recreational sex, not a husband (at least I assume that is the case). A good rule of thumb about being picky is that if you cannot meet someone you want to date/have sex with/marry and you are not ok with that, then you are too picky. If you are ok with how infrequently you find someone you want to boink, then you aren't being too picky. So, either decide you are just fine with the way things are going and be happy about it or decide that since it's just recreational sex, maybe you could just settle for just having some fun and a little novelty with someone who is ok and might be fun to boink. I mean, surely you have had sex that wasn't earth shaking, you survived and despite the letdown, it was probably still better than filing your nails. Presumably you aren't doing this in order to have sex with the guys you couldn't marry.

[Napoleon 230]

Yeah, a lot of overweight or non-overweight frumpy women are throwing the words "I'm curvy" around nowadays.