Help... having a difficult time watching my husband with other women and more.

[Aleatha1 18]

My husband and I have started doing soft swaps recently. We're about two years into the LS.. Once he tried kissing another woman. It upset me at the time. (I believe it is the meaning I attribute to kissing and how intimate of an act I feel it is). I didn't stop it during but talked about it afterwards and he's OK with a no kissing rule. The funny thing is... the kissing doesn't bother me and neither do the other acts when we're all doing whatever act in a big mushy pile together. It is when he is engaging on his own and I feel like I'm observing on the outside. (Like I'm giving her oral and he's got his dick in her mouth that bothers me. If I look over during play and see him caressing another woman that bothers me. It doesn't bother me when he's touching erogenous areas though... When we play with others if I'm not directly involved I get really bad after. (I replay the things that I feel are intimate in my head... kissing/caressing and I start thinking thoughts like my husband love is not just for me but it's a shared love, my relationship is not safe for me to be vulnerable, it's only a matter of time before he chooses that over me... )

 

We had our first orgy. This woman kissed me and her mouth was amazing... the same woman started giving him head without me... and I had a small panic attack, I got down there to help out which usually helps, but the thoughts in my head got me so worked up... (I started thinking what if she's better at it then me and then I'll never be able to meet his needs and not be able to please him in the future)... About 20 minutes into playing my anxiety was so high I kept pulling my husband close to me... which usually helps... but it got so bad I had to take a break to get a drink to relax and then came back... yes this has happened before in group play...taking a break helps... yes my husband leaves play with me to comfort me... it helps... I know that my husband does not attribute the same meaning to sexual play as I do... I'm working on it... it means nothing to him... just a new toy out of the drawer...Is there anyone that Has experienced this? How did you get past it????????

 

I want my husband to feel free to enjoy himself and have a good time. I don't want to constrict/restrict his play. But I also want to be comfortable during play. He's tried to keep me engaged with him with whatever he's doing and I've kept myself engaged also and that helps. When I distract myself with another playmate that helps. I would rather not watch because it hurts to think he's choosing them over me... yes I am possessive of his cum and where it goes. I'm that girl... sorry... we're both bi so he can do whatever wants with a guy, it doesn't bug me at all including sex if he wanted. Why do I feel so different about gender. Yes... I feel like women are competition to me. Yes my last two husbands cheated on me, yes I am afraid they will be better then me in some way even though I'm a very experienced lover... then I'll never be able to compete and yes I have a religious background that I no longer live. Yes I have anxiety... yes my husband is thoughtful loving and kind... and we talk a lot... there is no problem we can't solve together... no everything has not gone smoothly. The fist time he kissed a girl he changed our no kissing rules up at the club and asked me if it was OK in front of the girl. I said ok. But felt pressure to do so... he apologized later and we went back to the no kissing rule. I often cannot get the big O when we play. We have done lots of FFM.....and yes I was originally doing swinging for him... I found myself getting resentful at not getting my needs met... and so I have started playing with men. Although I do enjoy playing more so if I play with a man. I will often have blue balls by the time we get home. I know my O is my responsibility. I've asked my partner on many occasions if we can end play early to take care of me and reconnect in a private room prior to going out and play. I do not push for it when we get to the club... he is always willing to take care me when we get home but has already spent his energy on playing with other women and will fall asleep 5 min in with out me getting an O. We get back late. His response to my request to take care of my needs at the club was not great... he said "I take care of you all the rest of the time we are together. Why can't I just go and enjoy myself when we go... that's why we go to play with others... we only have a small amount of time that we get to actually play. If we end early that will cut that time even shorter...it's not my fault you're not coming to the group play we are doing. I'm spending a lot if time taking care of and touching you while we play"... and he does... I know he wants me to cum during play and is disappointed also that I'm not. I have only climaxed once during play... it feels good but for some reason I hit a plateau and can't get there with others. I think it because I'm anxious about what my partner is and is not doing... He cares about me. Doesn't want to hurt me. And has suggested at times when I get the afters that we just stop. He is definitely a swinger, I'd be afraid of the long term effects that stopping would have on our relationship because later when I'm doing better he says he doesn't want to stop... he just doesn't want to see me hurting. We recently reached out to find a male to play with because I haven't really found a bi-male playmate at the club we attend that I would want to engage with because we have a unicorn and sometimes I feel left out... even though they are both trying very hard to include me! I've suggested playing in separate rooms because I don't like watching... he only wants to do it together as it leaves no question as to what's going on or not. I value that... I enjoy playing with women and am into women. I don't want to stop but I want to enjoy it also.

 

Suggestions and I'm okay with bluntness... thank you.

[parabola 24]

I think couples that are fairly new to the lifestyle naturally have feelings of jealousy in the beginning. It seems to me most of that passes with experience, for most couples. The good news is with swinging you can choose what you enjoy and are comfortable with, it usually is a good idea to keep the pace of the slower partner. Too often than not, some male partners are just into the LS for their own satisfaction, and it ends up putting pressure on their spouses to keep up. It's really important to ask yourself if what you are doing is what you really desire, and not just bc your spouse wants it. If it is too damaging for you it will end up hurting the relationship, and you may not want to continue in the LS.

[padoc 1,701]

This is recreational sex…sex for fun! What you described doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun to me!

[cplnuswing 4,712]

I'll have to agree with Padoc. Reading the post just gave me the vibe of a really bad day at work when it's just one thing after another to have to deal with. Swinging brings with it some anxiety for everyone I think, but when it gets to the level the fun doesn't come close to outweighing the not fun, then that's not good and it may be time to question whether this is really something you want to keep putting yourself through?

[Aleatha1 18]

Thank you for your responses.. In my message above I focused on what was bothering me about swinging.. and asking for advice or help to work through those things.. I do enjoy some of my experiences having the big O is not my only goal. I enjoy when we are all playing in a big mushy pile.. and I enjoy when my husband is fucking me and I'm 69ing.. some one male or female.. I love giving oral with another or getting oral while I'm being fucked. I love dressing up and putting on a sexy show for my man with a woman. And I love meeting my husbands needs. Recently us three women gave him a BJ. He loved it. I love making out with women and fucking them with my fingers when my husband eats them out. Or having a man finger me and lick my DDD/pussy.. while my husband is doing the same or fucking me. I hope that my focus on what was bothering me and my sharing openly about my upsetting thoughts will not be a deterrent for getting advice to over come the things that are bothering me. I am sure there are other women who have over come these feelings and, insecurities. Yes, sometime's it is not good.. and it is discouraging.. but sometimes it's amazing also.. which is why we keep trying to get the perfect balance act to fit.. I am hopeful that with time my insecurities will die down and that I will be able to work through and change the meaning I attribute to sex acts so that I to can enjoy myself freely.. I'll take each issue one at a time until I've overcome them. I started doing this for him.. but lately realized if I do it I need to do it for me.. you asked do I desire to do it . My answer is yes.. I want to ... not for his enjoyment but for my own..

[parabola 24]

On our site, there are a lot of couples with a wide variety of preferences. Some only play with females, some only do soft swap. Some only play with single males. Some list only girl on girl with the guys watching, some have only mmf where only the husband watches. It is very diverse, but it all comes down to each couples individual wants and desires. I am sure any husband out there would rather have some fun in the lifestyle rather than none at all. Why not both of you list what you both enjoy the most, and what you dislike the most about a variety of situations and then go from there. If you feel you just really want to get past certain situations in order to get comfortable with it, assuming that is what you really want, it may come to that in time. For me, I just simply don't do what doesn't feel comfortable for me, no matter what it is. I have had more positive experiences taking that route than forcing something that goes against what I feel is enjoyable.

[agreatguy 269]

It sounds like you are enjoying parts of it and it sounds like you are communicating. He is responding to you. I would recommend listening to the We Gotta Thing podcast #46 "Staying Connected. They do a good job talking about the perspectives of each participant of what being connected means and how we set our own expectations. I just found the podcast yesterday and listened to it so it just seems kind of relevant. They also talk about soft swapping as a way to know they are going to reconnect before the end of the night. That might be a better way for you to go right now so that you can get your need met to reconnect with him and not be resentful that he doesn't have time for you.

 

 

Kissing was one of the first things my wife brought up when we first started talking about swinging. She felt like it wouldn't be a problem, quite probably a turn on for her, to watch me have sex with another woman but didn't know if she could handle the kissing. We love to kiss though. It is always a part of our foreplay and kissing seems to always be the first step. It's a turn on for us both and I can't see sex starting any other way. I explained to her how I felt about it. Like you did, we agreed to give it a try and if it was too much not to freak out at the time but to revisit it at an appropriate time.

 

Our very first encounter was just her playing lightly with another girl which included lots of kissing for her. It got her really turned on. On another outing at our club a group of three or four couples were seated near us. We watched as the partners kissed and teased each other's partners. It was difficult to tell who the real partners were. As she watched that she got turned on. We talked about it later and she said after watching those couples she didn't feel like kissing was an issue after all. We still agreed we'd try it and revisit if need be but she seemed way more comfortable.

 

A few weeks later we had our first full swap opportunity with a couple we met at our club. There was flirting, teasing and showing of skin at the seating area. We moved to the play area. I could tell my wife was getting turned on. She looked to me for a little reassurance which I gave and before I knew it she was making a move to kiss her guy. I could tell she was thoroughly enjoying it just by the way she kissed him. It was very passionate. I could hear her cooing even. It was a great experience for us both. I asked her during a debriefing a if we needed to revisit the kissing rule and her response was basically "what rule?" with a coy smile. Through our two year journey to get to this point she has always been the brakes and I was the gas until she became the gas too. She got that way by us being able to communicate our feelings and build trust that I wasn't going home with anyone but her.

 

We are both very passionate people. I think we've realized along the way that we want to see each other be able to enjoy passion with others or there's no point in enjoying the variety this lifestyle offers. We do this for us. If I see her not having passionate sex then I'm going to think she's not enjoying it. I'd be more upset about that, perhaps thinking she was taking one for the team, than I would seeing her thoroughly and passionately having an encounter with a guy she is connected with at the moment. Then, being able to talk about those feelings of lust and sexual desire, replay things we remembered about a hard dick or a tight pussy to each other is a whole new turn on.

 

Other women find your man attractive and want to have sex with him. Take pride in that. I love knowing other guys want to have sex with my wife. I promise you they don't want to take him away from you. It sounds like you've got a great guy that is trying his best to stay connected but wants to enjoy and wants you to enjoy, which you say you do. Enjoy it. It's going to be OK. It's OK to be the brakes but don't overthink your feelings too much and slam on the brakes. Relax and ease off them with every little victory. Find the victories even in the failures. As long as you are still working on it those are victories. Talk about it but acknowledge, as you have here, that some of what you are feeling may be irrational or based in you personal history. Give him the chance to prove that you should put it behind you and you will, just give it some time and keep moving forward. The jealousy and other shit you might be making up in your head will fade.

[Aleatha1 18]

It sounds like you are enjoying parts of it and it sounds like you are communicating. He is responding to you. I would recommend listening to the We Gotta Thing podcast #46 "Staying Connected. They do a good job talking about the perspectives of each participant of what being connected means and how we set our own expectations. I just found the podcast yesterday and listened to it so it just seems kind of relevant. They also talk about soft swapping as a way to know they are going to reconnect before the end of the night. That might be a better way for you to go right now so that you can get your need met to reconnect with him and not be resentful that he doesn't have time for you.

 

 

Kissing was one of the first things my wife brought up when we first started talking about swinging. She felt like it wouldn't be a problem, quite probably a turn on for her, to watch me have sex with another woman but didn't know if she could handle the kissing. We love to kiss though. It is always a part of our foreplay and kissing seems to always be the first step. It's a turn on for us both and I can't see sex starting any other way. I explained to her how I felt about it. Like you did, we agreed to give it a try and if it was too much not to freak out at the time but to revisit it at an appropriate time.

 

Our very first encounter was just her playing lightly with another girl which included lots of kissing for her. It got her really turned on. On another outing at our club a group of three or four couples were seated near us. We watched as the partners kissed and teased each other's partners. It was difficult to tell who the real partners were. As she watched that she got turned on. We talked about it later and she said after watching those couples she didn't feel like kissing was an issue after all. We still agreed we'd try it and revisit if need be but she seemed way more comfortable.

 

A few weeks later we had our first full swap opportunity with a couple we met at our club. There was flirting, teasing and showing of skin at the seating area. We moved to the play area. I could tell my wife was getting turned on. She looked to me for a little reassurance which I gave and before I knew it she was making a move to kiss her guy. I could tell she was thoroughly enjoying it just by the way she kissed him. It was very passionate. I could hear her cooing even. It was a great experience for us both. I asked her during a debriefing a if we needed to revisit the kissing rule and her response was basically "what rule?" with a coy smile. Through our two year journey to get to this point she has always been the brakes and I was the gas until she became the gas too. She got that way by us being able to communicate our feelings and build trust that I wasn't going home with anyone but her.

 

We are both very passionate people. I think we've realized along the way that we want to see each other be able to enjoy passion with others or there's no point in enjoying the variety this lifestyle offers. We do this for us. If I see her not having passionate sex then I'm going to think she's not enjoying it. I'd be more upset about that, perhaps thinking she was taking one for the team, than I would seeing her thoroughly and passionately having an encounter with a guy she is connected with at the moment. Then, being able to talk about those feelings of lust and sexual desire, replay things we remembered about a hard dick or a tight pussy to each other is a whole new turn on.

 

Other women find your man attractive and want to have sex with him. Take pride in that. I love knowing other guys want to have sex with my wife. I promise you they don't want to take him away from you. It sounds like you've got a great guy that is trying his best to stay connected but wants to enjoy and wants you to enjoy, which you say you do. Enjoy it. It's going to be OK. It's OK to be the brakes but don't overthink your feelings too much and slam on the brakes. Relax and ease off them with every little victory. Find the victories even in the failures. As long as you are still working on it those are victories. Talk about it but acknowledge, as you have here, that some of what you are feeling may be irrational or based in you personal history. Give him the chance to prove that you should put it behind you and you will, just give it some time and keep moving forward. The jealousy and other shit you might be making up in your head will fade.

This is great advice.. thank you so very much.. I do believe my perception and self dialogue have played a huge role in my discomfort.. I will listen to the pod cast and get back to you on it. I to am a very passionate person and those who see us play at our club will often say that the people who get to play with us are the luckiest people.. I dont show or talk about these issues in the moment, people just think im taking a smoke or bathroom break. I still come back to the play and try to push through.. I realise at the bottoman of my issues is my own insecurities and negative self talk, not my husband responsibility like to fix but mine.. both are something that if i work hard to overcome.. the life after will be rewarding. I see so many people reaping the benifit of the L S.. including my hubby.. Id like to get there also.. I appreciate you..... hugs

[Jane1902 476]

I like the advice you are getting. As a single woman I don't have the same perspective. I do remember at my first party after I was fully satisfied watching my date with another woman and enjoyed watching because I knew how well he could please a woman, I also enjoy watching other women orgasm. My thought is to mix it up and play with you first.

[Aleatha1 18]

Parabola, thank you for this advice. We did take a break for a time and he was so excited that it was pressuring me.. pushing me faster then I was ready to go just caused me to get more anxious And not want to play.. stoping for a time released the pressure valve so to speak. doing that really helped me to get connected with my desire to play also. So we've started playing again recently and things are going better. See below messages. Just wanted to tell you.. I appreciate your feedback..

[Aleatha1 18]

A Great Guy!!!

Update... :

PODCAST was excellent. And Connection and Care is what we were missing!

We took a break from the LS.. and during that time I worked on my internal dialog whenever I had the oppertunity.. so i would watch my spouse passively checking out other women at mundane places and then tell myself a different story, when it would happen. The story I tell myself is about all the things my husband does that helps me know he is there for me, and cares for me.. a

things that help me feel connected to him. Like my husband makes me soup, reads to me at night to put me to sleep, reaches for me even when we are arguing. Opens the door, waits for me, and does a million thoughtful things.. your right the other playmates are a passing interest for me and for him.. and it means nothing to either of us other then an enjoyable physical experience we give eachother as a gift. After playing with men I realised I don't feel the urge to run off and marry them and I know my husband feels the same way..

We decided to end play a half an hour early. And be together alone this met my need for connecting and orgasm. I'm so reved up it usually only takes like 5 minutes. But then I get happy snuggles. . Soo good.

We talked alot about staying connected during play physically and what that would look like. You nailed the issue on the head.. come to find out all the times I was getting upset was when his body wasn't directly in contact with mine. We had an 3 couples orgy at the club this last weekend. Where we were soft swaping.. and I'm elated to report. I have no afters.. ...

When I got insecure I just reached out to him and he reached back a little firm just so I would know it was him and he was still there with me.

As for wanting your partners enjoyment as much as you want your own. I recently experienced that desire in a relatable way.

Lol.. I was eating gummies bears high on marijuana.. and These organic gummies bears are the best in the world. (Black Forrest). . Anyhow while I was eating a whole bag of these, it wasn't a big bag. I'd bought for myself. I was enjoying them so very much.. the whole time I was eating them I was contemplating sharing them with my spouse. Finally.. I decided I wanted him to experience what I was experiancing and I shared. It was a very hard decision. Lol. But I relate it to what you were saying. I want him to experience good things. I want other playmayes to experience what an amazing lover he is and I want to watch.. A

I want to experience how amazing it can be to be with other men and give myself the freedom to do that. It does not mean we don't love eachother in fact our love feels bigger now, more intimate, stronger. What it means is we give eachother the freedom to be our

Honest best selves, the freedom to be open and honest about our desires.. physical experiances and the things that feel good to our bodies.

Thanks for telling me it's ok to slow down and not slam on the brakes. We did just that..

Your right jealousy was a passing feeling, Thank God.. the images don't sting the same way anymore.

And as my husband put it "stop telling yourself that s*** in your head it's not true, I'm not going anywhere no matter what, even if we stop,,, I Choose You".

I've stopped telling my self that shit.. his willingness to stay in the relationship regardless of my willingness to play or not, his refusal to play seperate when I offered because as he stated "this is something we do together or not at all, I don't want secrets only transperency and fun together".

Mean the world to me..

Tommorow night were heading out to play with our Unicorn. I'm still slowing down. But now I get a excited about thinking about watching him penetrate another woman. And seeing the enjoyment on his face knowing I helped create that enjoyment by sharing my gummies..

Thanks man..

Hope this long response helps some other woman out there..

[agreatguy 269]

A Great Guy!!!

Update... :

PODCAST was excellent. And Connection and Care is what we were missing!

We took a break from the LS.. and during that time I worked on my internal dialog whenever I had the oppertunity.. so i would watch my spouse passively checking out other women at mundane places and then tell myself a different story, when it would happen. The story I tell myself is about all the things my husband does that helps me know he is there for me, and cares for me.. a

things that help me feel connected to him. Like my husband makes me soup, reads to me at night to put me to sleep, reaches for me even when we are arguing. Opens the door, waits for me, and does a million thoughtful things.. your right the other playmates are a passing interest for me and for him.. and it means nothing to either of us other then an enjoyable physical experience we give eachother as a gift. After playing with men I realised I don't feel the urge to run off and marry them and I know my husband feels the same way..

We decided to end play a half an hour early. And be together alone this met my need for connecting and orgasm. I'm so reved up it usually only takes like 5 minutes. But then I get happy snuggles. . Soo good.

We talked alot about staying connected during play physically and what that would look like. You nailed the issue on the head.. come to find out all the times I was getting upset was when his body wasn't directly in contact with mine. We had an 3 couples orgy at the club this last weekend. Where we were soft swaping.. and I'm elated to report. I have no afters.. ...

When I got insecure I just reached out to him and he reached back a little firm just so I would know it was him and he was still there with me.

As for wanting your partners enjoyment as much as you want your own. I recently experienced that desire in a relatable way.

Lol.. I was eating gummies bears high on marijuana.. and These organic gummies bears are the best in the world. (Black Forrest). . Anyhow while I was eating a whole bag of these, it wasn't a big bag. I'd bought for myself. I was enjoying them so very much.. the whole time I was eating them I was contemplating sharing them with my spouse. Finally.. I decided I wanted him to experience what I was experiancing and I shared. It was a very hard decision. Lol. But I relate it to what you were saying. I want him to experience good things. I want other playmayes to experience what an amazing lover he is and I want to watch.. A

I want to experience how amazing it can be to be with other men and give myself the freedom to do that. It does not mean we don't love eachother in fact our love feels bigger now, more intimate, stronger. What it means is we give eachother the freedom to be our

Honest best selves, the freedom to be open and honest about our desires.. physical experiances and the things that feel good to our bodies.

Thanks for telling me it's ok to slow down and not slam on the brakes. We did just that..

Your right jealousy was a passing feeling, Thank God.. the images don't sting the same way anymore.

And as my husband put it "stop telling yourself that s*** in your head it's not true, I'm not going anywhere no matter what, even if we stop,,, I Choose You".

I've stopped telling my self that shit.. his willingness to stay in the relationship regardless of my willingness to play or not, his refusal to play seperate when I offered because as he stated "this is something we do together or not at all, I don't want secrets only transperency and fun together".

Mean the world to me..

Tommorow night were heading out to play with our Unicorn. I'm still slowing down. But now I get a excited about thinking about watching him penetrate another woman. And seeing the enjoyment on his face knowing I helped create that enjoyment by sharing my gummies..

Thanks man..

Hope this long response helps some other woman out there..

 

Wow! Look how much you've grown from your OP til now. You now are able to find fulfillment, joy and happiness in his joy and happiness. You have experienced compersion. It's a wonderful emotion that is the polar opposite of jealousy. Congratulations!