Don't Be a Swinging Wallflower

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The WallFlower Part 1 - Approach Anxiety and Why We Have It

 

When it comes down to it almost all of us feel uncomfortable in social situations. A party with strangers is one of the most common fears. When it comes to swinging we know that a party with strangers is almost a necessity, so we go, yet when we get there we have no idea what to do. So, we sit at the table and hope that someone else, someone with more experience or just someone braver, will approach us. When it comes to understanding how to move past these issues first it's helpful to understand WHY we have these issues in the first place.

 

Problem #1

 

Don't Talk to Strangers - From an early age we were taught that talking to strangers can be dangerous. You talk to people you know and only when someone else introduces you to the "stranger" can you talk to them. We teach this to our children for a reason, but the problem is that it sticks into adulthood. Even though we know that we are not likely to get hurt by talking to a stranger, we still shy away from it because no matter what we do Mom's voice is still in the back of our head.

 

Solution: Change our mindset and realize that these people are not strangers. If they are at the same party, they aren't strangers. They all have at least one thing in common with us and probably many more.

 

Problem #2

 

We Have to be Polite - Another thing we were taught at a young age is that you are to be polite and that you wait for someone to introduce you. Of course Miss Manners probably never had any issues getting others to introduce her around, and we all have to start somewhere. If you know no one at the party there's likely no one who can introduce you around. We often assume it's the hosts job to do this, but they are typically rather busy just keeping up with all the details of their party.

 

Solution: Stop waiting. It's not impolite to introduce yourself and others will appreciate that you made the effort.

 

Problem #3

 

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait - You don't want to be the pushy people so you wait patiently for the right time to approach. It's most often the shy people who are worried about coming across as too pushy and usually the fact that they are worried about it means that it will never happen. It's never being pushy to introduce yourself.

Solution: Stop worrying so much. Be yourself and go say hello. Also remember that while good things may come to those who wait, they won't come without a little effort.

 

Problem #4

 

Better the Devil We Know - Our fear of rejection is probably the one thing that prevents us from taking action more than anything else. It's so much easier to sit idly by and talk about how much we enjoy the "people watching" and know that as long as we take no action we will not be rejected. We may never get a "yes" but we'll never get a "No" either. It's just safer this way.

 

Solution: Realize that approaching someone you maintain control of the situation. Not only are you approaching them to determine if you accept or reject them, but since you approached them you can easily walk away at any time.

 

Problem #5

 

They Might Take it Wrong - But, what if we just want to say hello and they assume we want to have sex with them? This is exactly the opposite of the fear of rejection, it's the fear of assumption. This fear leads us right back to The Devil We Know.

 

Solution: Control your approach. We will discuss this more in another article, but for now know that while you can't control their reactions or thoughts, you can control your own.

 

All of these problems simply build on each other, one making another worse until we are frozen with our fears, unable to move. As a result, we sit at the table all night wishing someone would approach us so we could have a good time. We blame others for our bad time because they didn't approach us when, in fact, it's our own fault because we let our fears rule us.

 

Don't Be a Wallflower Part 2 - Re-frame the Situation

 

It's funny that we often worry about the objections of others, yet it is our own objections (excuses) that really get in our way. We talked about the 5 Causes for Approach Anxiety, now it is time to discuss how we can move past those. In order to move past our own objections, we have to figure out how to reframe the situation and look at it differently. It's all about perspective.

 

Change the Context - Just because you speak to someone at a party does not mean you are interested. Instead of approaching someone with the idea that you are wanting to see if they are interested in you, approach them with the knowledge that you are doing so to find out if you are interested in them. Keep in mind that no matter how attractive someone may be from across the room, once you speak to them you may discover that you are not interested at all. Changing the context in this way gives you control of the situation.

 

Change the Focus - There are always going to be couples who are more uncomfortable than you are. Perhaps you've been to this party twice but it's their first time. Find the couples hiding in the corner and introduce yourselves. Think of it as doing something nice for someone else. After all, it's exactly what they are waiting for because they are too scared to leave the table and talk to others for all the reasons we've already discussed.

 

Retain Control - Always retain the knowledge that you can walk away at any time. Even if you are the one who approached a couple and they find you to be a perfect match, you are still in control and can decide to walk away at any time. This is actually one of the best things about doing the approaching, you are still standing and it's easier to walk away.

 

Start Small - Make it a goal to introduce yourselves to just 1 or 2 new couples at a party. The first one is always the hardest, so just pick someone and do it. Don't spend a lot of time or worry on who to approach. Once you meet one, the next one will become easier and easier. Eventually it becomes habitual and you will find that you are rarely sitting down because you are too busy interacting.

 

Fake it till you Make It! - Changing your actions can change how you feel. Even though you are scared to death, forcing yourself out of your comfort zone, making yourself smile and say hello will make you feel better about doing so. Your smile will spread to others, and eventually you will find that it's standard practice.

 

These five techniques seem simply but they each take some work and take some time to wrap your brain around. While it may be something you have to force initially, it will eventually become the norm and you will find yourself simply 'flipping a switch' when you walk into a party.

 

Don't Be a Wallflower Part 3 - Pre-Party Planning

 

There's a few things you can do before you even head to a party to make the whole night go smoother and leave you feeling a lot less anxious when you walk in the door.

 

Build Confidence - Building confidence is a team activity. You should be constantly building each other up. No matter how much you might want to have sex with others, your partner should always be your #1 and you need to make sure they know it. If there is doubt that your partner wants to be with you, it kills your confidence. A lack of confidence is obvious to everyone. Remind each other daily of your positive attributes, of why others would want to be with you, and of what you have to offer.

 

Check the List - Most parties have a list online of who is attending, whether it's on SLS, Kasidie or the clubs website. If there is a list online of who is attending, check it out in the days or week leading up to the event. Read the profiles and look for the couples that you might want to meet. Discuss them together and decide which ones you think you would at least like to meet.

 

Pre-Party Intros - Once you determine which couples (or singles) you'd like to meet from the list, send them a message to just hello. This opens the door for them to approach you at the party, or at least to give you an easier opening when you approach them. A simple intro message is best, something like "We saw that you are also signed up for XYZ Party. We read through your profile and we really hope to meet you there. If you see us please do say hello."

 

Dress for Success - Swinging isn't that different from dating and when you were dating you never would have shown up in sweat pants or tennis shoes, or forgotten to clean the motor oil out from under your nails. Dress appropriately for the event. Choose clothing that is both comfortable & sexy. If you feel sexy and attractive it shows. Avoid clothes that are too small - sure we like tight clothes to show off our goods, but if things don't fit right and you spend the whole night adjusting, it will affect your confidence. Guys skip the t-shirts & tennis shoes. Unless it's a nice plain t-shirt that shows off your body, it's best to leave it at home. Same goes for the ball caps. And, we know you want to be comfortable, but women do judge a man by his shoes. Don't forget the little things. Trim you nails (guys & girls). Guys don't forget the nose hairs and ear hairs.

 

Now that you are dressed and ready, it's time for the party.

 

Don't be a Wallflower Part 4 - At the Party

 

There are three things that you can do when you walk into a party that can make the difference on how your whole night goes.

 

Arrive Early - Not only do you get your choice of seats, but it's so much easier to talk to people when the music is low and the crowd is thin. This makes it not only easier to make that first approach, but it makes that first approach go more smoothly. It's also a whole lot easier to start off in an almost empty room and allow it to fill around you, than to walk into a room that is already full. By doing this you are no longer walking into a room full of strangers, they are coming to you.

 

Your Seat Choice Matters - Stay out of the corner! Don't get stuck on a wall where you can get out. Try to sit in high traffic areas where you can see people as they walk by. Your best options are often near a door where people have to walk by you to enter or leave the room, near the drink set-up table or near the dance floor where you will not only have most people walking by you at some point you also get the added benefit of constant entertainment throughout the night. However, don't let the entertainment distract you to the point that you don't leave the table.

 

Approach ANYONE - This is especially important in the early days of getting yourself used to talking to people. Any practice you can get talking to new people will help your confidence and make it easier to talk to others.

 

You do, however, have to be careful not to over-extend your stay and eventually, you will want to adjust your approach so that you only approach those you MIGHT actually be interested in.

 

In time you may find that you walk into a party and choose a seat only to lose it later because you never returned to it. But, at least initially, it's nice to know that you have a place to escape to, if needed.

 

As you move around and talk to more and more people you will create attraction for yourself and induce others to want to approach you. People are attracted to those that seem attractive to others. This is called "Social Proof". Just be careful that you don't become that couples that others are afraid to approach for fear that they are "too popular" or in a "clique". As you get to know more people it can sometimes become very easy to simply hang out with the people you already know and are comfortable with (returning back to the beginning with "The Devil You Know"). No matter how comfortable you get with people, keep trying to meet new people at every party and always try to approach those who look the most uncomfortable.

 

Don't Be a Wallflower Part 5 - The Approach

 

One of the scary things about approaching others is the idea that you might get "stuck" talking to someone after realizing you aren't interested. This is one of the great things about approaching others, rather than being approached; you are less likely to get cornered and can more easily walk away. Although the ability to walk away and knowing how to do it or feeling comfortable doing it are different things.

 

One approach that works really well for overcoming a lot of the fears that we have about approaching others is the Time Constraint Approach. This is an approach that we discovered while watching The PickUp Artist on VH1 several years ago and have since modified to suit our needs.

 

The Introduction - Approach with a with a smile and say "HI, we just wanted to stop by for a minute an introduce ourselves, we are......". Saying "for a minute" gives you a time constraint. It makes them feel better that you aren't immediately planting yourself right away, but it also gives you an easy out because you were clearly never planning to stay for a long time anyway.

 

Don't Sit Down - You may not end up sitting with them at all, but definitely do not sit down right away. Stay standing as you make your way through the next step. If they invite you to sit down re-iterate, "oh we can't stay... we were on our way to..." (say hello to someone, get a drink , go to the bathroom, dance...) "but we saw you and decided we had to say hello."

 

Find Common Ground - If they are receptive to your introduction, try to find common ground. At this point you are just feeling them out to see if there is any sort of connection. You can do this in many ways. Compliment them. Ask if they are new to the party/ event? Ask what they think about the party/event? Remember you aren't looking to go deep here, you just want to know if there's any sort of connection or interest on your side. Can they hold up their end of a conversation? Are they giving you two word answers to everything? Do they look bored? Is their accent so thick it drives you crazy?

 

Ask for a dance - if things are going well at this point and they seem receptive, ask for a dance. If you aren't into dancing, let them know you enjoyed meeting them and don't want to keep them from others. If they are into you at this point they will say something "oh no, you aren't keeping us....." and probably will invite you to sit and join them. If you are interested in doing so, do so for a short time. Ask about their interests regarding swinging and establish if they are a match.

 

Give Them Space - If at any point in this setup things don't seem to be progressing, simply say "it was nice to meet you" and move on to another couple. Even if things are going really well, eventually, you will want to give them a little space to talk about you (and to talk about them). Remember absence makes the heart grow fonder, well it works here, too. By leaving them for bit they can discuss you and think fondly about you, so that when you re-appear, whether they were expecting it or not, they are all the happier to see you.

 

When you walk away determine if you are interested in playing with them. If you are interested make sure to return to them within 15 minutes and find out if the interest is mutual. At this point you should have already discussed the basic limits you each have and know if you are a match in terms of your swinging preferences, so the idea of playing is already out on the table. Now, all someone has to do is put out the invitation. If you are interested in playing with them, don't be shy they know it's on the table so just ask them.

 

If the interest is not mutual or if upon walking away you determine you aren't really interested, do not return and occupy their evening. Leave their door (and yours) open for others.