My wife is concerned

[Dude77 15]

Hey guys and girls... so I really need you advise and frank and honest feedback for me.

 

So I'm 32 yo and my wife is 30 yo. Both Asian and she grew up in a conservative family and background. Ive always found things such as swinging, mmf, etc a turn on and when we were dating I did share this fantasy with her. She did not find it amusing and in fact found it a turn off. I definitely did not pressure her to doing anything. Recently she mentioned that I bring up my kinky ideas too often and she seems concerned about it. I understand her but maybe I do not realise how often I've brought it up when I'm feeling kinky.

 

Since she isn't open to being with another man definitely, I told her I like the idea of her dressing sexy when going out. She is somewhat open to this especially if we are overseas away from people we know but it's a change for her still.

 

My worry is that I've become a "pervert" and gotten myself into a position where I need kinky things like above to get turned on sexualy.

 

I've decided to never bring up anything about these again with my wife but to keep them to myself. I fear though that she would never change and continue be very vanilla. I'll still love her but I'll find my sex life boring and less of a turn on. But I wonder where I went wrong and what should I do to change. Thanks so much

[Eddiem 139]

Look we all have been or will be in that boat. Talking about sexuality is tough especially when one person is more charged than the other. I too tried everything and not until we were introduced indirectly to the LS did our sex life change. I often would almost avoid sex on purpose to see if she wanted it. Well no... You have to talk, be open... Try a sex fantasy quiz and go from there...

[njbm 2,901]

It seems like you are in different places. Ask her what her sexual fantasies are. Perhaps get her an erotic novel. Go on a romantic weekend.Would she go to a nude beach on a trip? Nine out of ten people are not cut out for swinging. Swinging seems distant for you. But we were propositioned be Swingers at age 34 and we did not actually try it for twenty years. We may win longest rumination before swinging.

[Dude77 15]

Hey njbm, thanks for taking a moment to share. I understand swinging seems distant for me and that's fine. What I really want is not to swap with another couple but to watch her with another man. Sometime ago I watched her dance salsa with a friend of hers and I found it a turn on. And I told her this. But she find its "weird" and strange. And sometimes all I want is her to dress more sexy when we go out. Even that simple this seems like a stretch for her.

I understand that open communication is important but I also don't want to over communicate my fantasies. She knows what I like but my fear is that she will ignore all of it and expect me to be a vanilla guy.

[Eddiem 139]

Watching the other half pleased is a great fantasy of many of us. I thought about it long and hard for years before it happened. Highly erotic but one has to differentiate and seperate those feelings when it happens. It is for enjoyment and nothing to do with emotions. Always sexy when the wife get´s hit on and it found to be attractive to others.

[Dude77 15]

Exactly, Eddiem.

What do you think I should do in my situation? Just keep all my fantasies to myself and see if she one day is open enough?

Because the last thing is want is for her do something just to please me and get me to shut up and it making her unhappy at the end of the day... that wouldn't be worth it.

But my request of asking my wife be dressed more slutty, sometimes go commando, etc I feel like is a reasonable request....

 

 

Watching the other half pleased is a great fantasy of many of us. I thought about it long and hard for years before it happened. Highly erotic but one has to differentiate and seperate those feelings when it happens. It is for enjoyment and nothing to do with emotions. Always sexy when the wife get´s hit on and it found to be attractive to others.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First, my SO always comes first. If she isn't interested in something, then we find something else that we both can enjoy. This includes everything, even sex. If she wanted to stop swinging, then we stop. I would never think about leaving her (and that sounds like what you are implying) for greener grass...heck, I can't imaging grass any greener than her. Sex is fun because of who you are with, not who you are with is fun because of the sex.

 

Second, if you can't be honest with each other, then there are bigger problems. A great relationship REQUIRES love, trust, and honesty. If you don't have an abundance of all three, then there is where you start working. You will find once one begins to increase, they usually bring the other two along as well. Work on opening up your communication so you can both talk about everything. So she isn't interested (now) in having sex with other people. What IS she interested in? What are her fantasies? What can you do to make them come true? Maybe some day she could be interested in sex with others, but right now she doesn't feel confident and comfortable enough in the relationship to think about that (if a relationship is rock solid, asking to swing is like saying you want to have sex with others because she isn't good enough or you are looking for the NEXT relationship after her). Cart before the horse: make the relationship great and then see what you both are interested in pursuing.

 

As communication improves, so will the trust (and the love just comes along for the ride). Make sure she knows that you will not judge her or hold anything she says against her. You also need to be willing to open up yourself as well. She needs to know the same things: don't judge or hold things against you. It will take time and is a slow process, but she is worth it. Invest the time and see what happens. Encouraging her to dress sexier is a good start. She needs to know that you love it and are also there to 'protect' her (until she gains the confidence). Remember, there's no rush: you both have the rest of your lives together to get to wherever you are going. One step at a time and don't rush her and you may be surprised where your path may take you. Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[adamgunn 1,461]

You're doing fine, you are not a pervert.

 

For some couples, it takes a long time to travel through the curves of this journey. It took my wife and I three years. And some couples never go there.

 

At this time, I'd simply stop asking her to dress sexy, but definitely compliment her if she makes an effort. She'll know what you're saying without you saying it.

 

And have you two been fantasizing in your own bedroom? That sometimes works. Good luck.

[luv2was 117]

... What do you think I should do in my situation?....

Bottom line is this...

What is more important to you: Your relationship with your wife? Or your sex drive?

 

Life is full of choices. Just be prepared to live with the ones you make.

 

I would suggest taking your time right now, and exercising some patience. (As you have seen expressed here already, I think you will find it common that turnaround times in attitudes, if they change at all, can take years.)

 

In the meantime... My guess is that if you spend enough time on this BBS, you will find the answers to your questions. It is by far the best resource I have ever come across on the subject of the Swinger Lifestyle (the "LS"), and all its close relatives.

 

One thing I believe to be an absolute truth is: "Never Push Your Agenda" (when it comes to sex play). Let her come to it.

 

Maybe one way to learn together is for both of you to spend some time on this BBS, together or apart. There are a lot of regular folks here... who happen to like to Swing. As stated, the number of folks who successfully pull-off the "LS" is a small number indeed. Who knows? You may both come to the realization that actually living the LS is not for you. ... You may enjoy the fantasy more.

 

:-o

 

But on the other-hand, if you live the LS by all the elements that truly make it work, you may find a whole new realm of closeness and confidence in your relationship.

 

;-)

 

Enjoy The Journey

[parabola 24]

It seems like on swingers forums, that I see the male half of a couple posting on how to get their so interested in swinging. If you read through the past posts you will see it has been discussed many times on this forum! To me, (female perspective), it feels like the male half of these couples comes from a very big place of frustration. My advice is to come to terms with the fact your wife may never be into the lifestyle and then decide what is most important to you in your overall happiness, which has been posted already. The other thing I'd like to add is taking away those things that are fueling the frustration, and keeping your focus on the lifestyle...or the lack thereof. Whether it be lifestyle sites, forums, or other things that keep your focus thinking about what is lacking in your relationship. If your attention is solely on your so, and building on a great relationship in and out of bed, what bad can come from that?

[Eddiem 139]

Well said everyone here. Topic has been mentioned over and over again. I would even suggest you visit other forums whereas sex & marriage are discussed. Taking the LS "plunge" is more of a well communicated plan whereas both partners agree to it.

 

Take everything in small steps as it is a long journey.

[agreatguy 269]

You aren't a pervert or a sex addict. I lived your life my friend. I went to counseling to figure out what the hell went wrong and what was wrong with me. I found out that nothing was wrong with me but I made some big mistakes in communication.

 

A definition I was taught to use for "intimacy" is the sharing and receiving of ourselves in our relationship. In order to have real intimacy you have got to be able to tell your wife who you really are and accept who she really is. If she isn't accepting of who you are to the point you feel like you are going to stop communicating your kinks or desires with her then her your relationship is doomed. That's who you are and if you can't tell her who can you tell? If you stop telling her you will resent her for not being able to tell her.

 

At the same time you have to be able to accept her limits on what she is willing to do along those lines. If either one of you can't accept the other and find common ground or a way to work it out then you'd better move on now because I promise you all you have ahead of you is a life of misery and resentment. That's the problem I'm reading in your post.

 

Here's the bright spot. She agreed to dress more provocatively which is something you said you wanted. She accepted a part of you for who you are! You're on track more than you realize. Indulge that. Plan a weekend somewhere that might be known for a little debauchery. I don't know where you live but if it was me I'd take mine to New Orleans. Go a day early and take her shopping. Pick some things out you like and let her pick something out she likes. Have her model them for you in the store. Tell her how sexy she looks, make a big deal of it. Tell her you wish you could make love to her in the dressing room because she looks so hot in those sexy clothes. Make her feel good about it. Take her out on the town. Everywhere you go tell her how sexy she looks. Tell her other guys are eyeing her. She likes to dance, take her to a dance club and let her dance. Then take her back to your room and have sex for as long as you can doing all the things she likes because she's so damn sexy and keep telling her that. Build on that and strengthen your relationship. That's the real goal you have right? If it's something else then you need to rethink where you're coming from.

 

Will you ever get to see her with another guy? My guess is probably not based on how you say she's wired but you can get her to come around a little more to you if you indulge her and keep her happy. Then, as someone else suggested, ask her if she has any fantasies or desires and see what she says. If she doesn't have any, drop it and continue working on building the relationship. If that's not what you want do both of you a favor and put an end to it. I know this is all pretty harsh. It was kind of meant to be but it also strikes a chord with me. I spent many years wishing for something that was never going to happen and frustrated that even talking about it was an issue for her. We are both in a much happier place since we ended a bad relationship and have moved on to lives that fulfill us both.

[Guest]

Its a long shot but you could actually try sexual counselling, many therapists get asked about swinging on a monthly basis, thousands of couples ask therapists how to spice up their sex lives, many years ago I spoke to a women for several years, she HATED the idea of swinging, she married her husband and a year into the marriage her new husband said he had always liked swinging and the idea of threesomes / foursomes and she (his wife) reacted really badly, she shouted at him, called him a pervert, accused him of wanting to cheat.

 

In response he attended therapy with his wife, he found a therapist who had good experience in sexual issues / couples sexual issues and two years later that girls sex drive had gone through the roof, two years later she was attending gang bangs with her husband, was sleeping with other women and her husband.

 

Generally if a person has a strong problem with this sort of thing its because of some underlying issue, that they are not confident about sex / think sex is bad / think sex is wrong / think sex is dirty / have no confidence in their own sexual ability / fear you will leave them.

 

I guess its a long road but getting professional therapy from a person who is trained to do that could help.

 

However I would suggest finding a therapist who is okay about the idea of group sex, find a therapist who has dealt with such subjects before or is not against such subjects.

[Dude77 15]

Hey Sun&Moon thanks for the reply. It makes a lot of sense. And as you said finding a therapist who is supportive of the idea is the challenge.

[adamgunn 1,461]

Sun, you said, "Generally if a person has a strong problem with this sort of thing its because of some underlying issue, that they are not confident about sex / think sex is bad / think sex is wrong / think sex is dirty / have no confidence in their own sexual ability / fear you will leave them."

 

I believe there's an even more apparent reason. Many people simply think sex outside marriage is immoral. Society tells us constantly that it's wrong, we soak that up. While you, I and the other people on this board may have 'been enlightened,' most people haven't taken that step. And who is to say who is 'wrong', them or us.

 

If a person truly believes sex outside marriage is wrong, I won't try to change their viewpoint. They have a right to it, as I have to mine.

[Wornsilver 219]

Somehow, I have been doomed to receive a post from Cosmopolitan magazine daily. This is essentially "The Truman Show" starring the Kardashians, and it is so thoroughly disgusting that I am really, really disappointed in myself for not dispensing with it some way. However, I persist.

 

One of the recurrent and important themes is "infidelity." The typical reader, and I think they are unabashedly aiming for young women, not me, is being brainwashed from a fairly early age about the importance of phony beauty and the tragedy of infidelity (as it is defined by Cosmo). They are not being lifted to greater heights where they might make mature decisions about clothing, appearance and sexuality. They are lured into a dream world of romance novels.

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm just saying that your point, Adamgunn, is well taken--a lot of people have strong feelings and those are reinforced by sources like Cosmo.

[Glida 250]

Another perspective from a wife...

 

Have you ever considered that it might intimidate her?

I'm married to a man with a much bigger apetite than I when it comes to sex, fantacies or devience and it can be intimidating.

It makes it much harder to share fantacies when you are playing with the big guns. Which is what you want to do here, get her to share her fantacies, safely.

If you are the slower, with the lower appetite partner it can be risk sharing fantacies for fear they may be highjacked, changed, added to or even expected.

 

just a thought maybe it's a consideration ;o)

[mphil17 35]

Sun, you said, "Generally if a person has a strong problem with this sort of thing its because of some underlying issue, that they are not confident about sex / think sex is bad / think sex is wrong / think sex is dirty / have no confidence in their own sexual ability / fear you will leave them."

 

I believe there's an even more apparent reason. Many people simply think sex outside marriage is immoral. Society tells us constantly that it's wrong, we soak that up. While you, I and the other people on this board may have 'been enlightened,' most people haven't taken that step. And who is to say who is 'wrong', them or us.

 

If a person truly believes sex outside marriage is wrong, I won't try to change their viewpoint. They have a right to it, as I have to mine.

 

Thank you, adamgunn, for putting this to words. I cringe when swingers have an attitude that we are more enlightened or somehow have superior relationships to our vanilla counterparts. Monogamous couples are not less enlightened or less loving to their spouses than we are, they merely value monogamy while we value non-monogamy, neither is right or wrong or superior to the other.

 

I get frustrated with the party line swingers have better or closer relationships. Some of the most dysfunctional relationships I have seen have been swingers, even long time swingers. I know swingers that have very little sex with one another without a third (or more) party involved. Swingers cheat, lie, divorce, get lazy, take one another for granted, and every other thing couples get wrong. The only difference is we do it while fucking people other than our spouses. Like it or not, we are just as fucked up as the rest of the married population.

[adamgunn 1,461]

Right on, MPhil! (Picture of raised fist clenched in protest power here.) But I will say that I've also known a fair number of couples who were locked into monogamy for many years, bored with their sex lives, and resurrected that part of their relationship by swinging.

 

I don't think swinging makes a bad relationship good, but I've seen it make a good relationship a lot better.

[Jane1902 476]

I know this may sound odd but take a step back and learn something new together. Be it dancing, tennis, cooking, or pottery the learning together can be joyful and enhance communication and be surprisingly sexy.