Questions and curiosity about the Lifestyle

[Whatever Girl 15]

Hello!! Just have a premise to start with:

I would like to say sorry in advance if I make some grammar mistakes; English is not my mother tongue. Also, I am from the European side of the globe so it will probably look like I wrote this post in the middle of the night like some poor insomniac girl when here is actually 12 pm XD. Also, it will be a lenghty post. I did browse a little through the forum but I didn't find the exact answers I needed to my questions, hence why I did this.

 

So, on with it! I am a young girl (23) who has recently began to wonder about things and topics that in my environment - or at least within the people I know - are at best not really talked about or at worst heavily frowned upon. Sexuality is one of these. Please forgive me if it doesn't look like I belong in this forum, but I would really like to confront myself with other people, even if I don't think I'm cut out for the LS; I still would love a discussion and some answers if that's okay.

 

First off, I am an introverted person but I've become more and more happy about my social skills and I am definitely better at interacting with people; this is something that happened slowly in the past 3 years and along with it (before this I really had very little interest in sex) I discovered more about myself sexually: what I love, what I hate, what I am curious about.

 

About the latter, the swinger lifestyle is something that intrigues me: what made you decide to dive into it and how do you maintain that love and trust with your spouse/partner? If, say, they told you that they could not do it anymore would you drop everything? Is it bad to be a "vanilla person"? I ask this because I did have a discussion with another girl who told me that apart from what you do alone with your partner doing more adventurous stuff with other people or couples was what made you feel alive (in her own words). She told me that in the end monogamy doesn't work and the majority of people after a while in their marriage just stop wanting to get intimate with their spouse. Of this last thing I've heard about and it saddens me, yes, but everything else she said was very upsetting and shattering for me; I am not the uber jealous or possessive person at all and I do have my kinks and fantasies, and while I could totally see myself doing casual sex or even the mfm while single, if I fall in love with another (single) person I couldn't bear to share the love or affection we have with another couple or a single. But she said to me that this mindset makes you less capable of maintaining a rewarding relationship and that my partner would eventually leave me when confronted with more interesting things that I was not willing to partake in. Is that true...? in your opinion, I mean.

 

Onto another topic, another thing I am confused about is the difference between a Sex Club and a Swinger Club? taking myself as example: I would like casual sex (taking things really slowly though, there are times I may not be comfortable with it) or getting to know a person that would eventually lead to a one night stand, and I've been told that a Swinger Club is preferable to a Sex Club for that. And erm... I am not sure that's quite right for me? could you enlighten me on the subject a little? Like, what happens inside these places, how do you find one and get in? The only source of info I had was the same girl as before who told me she went as a single female at a Swing club (the so called mythological unicorn I guess? ehehe xD) and the couple she ended up with used her as a sex object basically; they talked about her, not TO her, in third person and only to comment about the things she was doing and leaving her out of the affection. She was okay with it but I found it disheartening; or maybe I'm the one who looks at it the wrong way? Is there a right way to behave with a single female/male who joined a couple for a night?

 

All in all, I'm quite sure I'm not a swinger at this point, I am for intercourse with other unattached people, that's why I don't think a Swinger Club would be right for me, but what are the other options?

 

Thank you for reading this through and finding time to answer!!! I'll just finish by saying that while I may not be part of the LS I totally respect the people who are. I have to say, at first, upon discovering this existed I thought of you as some mythical creatures that were kind of awesome and intimidating at the same time. But yeah, you're awesome. And probably you'll find it weird of me to say so, but in the end I'm an average girl who's discovering new things and loves to ask questions, while also wishing society was less prejudiced. I mean, I can't even say "Hey you know, tonight I really feel like getting some" without being looked at like I have two heads. Frustrating!

[lcmim 1,082]

Take some time to look around at the other posts. Many of your questions are already answered in depth. Pretend you are in a bookstore just browsing around When you see a title that intrigues you ,then pull it off of the shelf and read for awhile. Repeat the procedure.

 

Your post has many questions and it would be nearly address them all in any depth. Most of us would be willing to address one or two that you feel are most important. You can always ask more later.

[cSwing 45]

Take some time to look around at the other posts. Many of your questions are already answered in depth. Pretend you are in a bookstore just browsing around When you see a title that intrigues you ,then pull it off of the shelf and read for awhile. Repeat the procedure.

 

Your post has many questions and it would be nearly address them all in any depth. Most of us would be willing to address one or two that you feel are most important. You can always ask more later.

 

Agreed, I've literally read every single post on this site and often find myself rereading the same thing from years ago. Information that still resets me when I need it.

[Wornsilver 219]

The OPs gave you good advice, but I would suggest that you focus on your first observation--that you have improved your comfort level in social situations. Most people were not born with all the social skills that you need to feel competent and comfortable in EVERY situation. You learn these things, either by mistakes or by "study," like anything else. Most of it comes from learning about yourself, what you like and what you believe.

 

One of the other things you learn as you mature is that what one person says may not be the whole story. The "other girl" you mentioned may believe and practice what she told you, but that doesn't mean that everyone else does. For instance,

 

"I did have a discussion with another girl who told me that apart from what you do alone with your partner doing more adventurous stuff with other people or couples was what made you feel alive (in her own words). She told me that in the end monogamy doesn't work and the majority of people after a while in their marriage just stop wanting to get intimate with their spouse."

 

If you read the posts on this board, the majority say something entirely different. The marital bond is strengthened by playing and experimenting. The ultimate reward is in how it makes you closer and better with your spouse.

 

So, I would read more, get some "second opinions" and take what the girl told you as one person's opinion, not the gospel.

 

Also, your command of English, not your mother tongue, is fantastic. A lot of the stuff I read is not close to as good. Congrats.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

What made you decide to dive into it and how do you maintain that love and trust with your spouse/partner?

 

We got into this BECAUSE of our love and trust in each other. We were able to talk about our sexual fantasies with each other and decided to see about making some of them come true. One step at a time, we ended up here. This has been something we have done together and it has made our relationship grow even stronger and closer. If a couple doesn't already have a GREAT relationship, however, this can and usually ends up in disaster. It will not fix a broken relatioship, but it can make a great relationship even better.

 

If, say, they told you that they could not do it anymore would you drop everything?

 

Yep, in a hot second. She is more important to me than swinging (and she feels the same about me). This is the 'sprinkles' on our relationship 'sundae', it isn't the ice cream or chocolate sauce or anything else. Ice cream without sprinkles is still pretty darn good but sprinkles by themselves...not so much.

 

Is it bad to be a "vanilla person"?

 

Not at all. Not everyone (in fact very few) are 'wired' for this. Even less have a relationship strong enough to do this. I know that we are one of the very few fortunate enough to be able to do this and as a result value her even more because of it. This is a fantastic gift that we have allowed each other to share.

 

She told me that in the end monogamy doesn't work and the majority of people after a while in their marriage just stop wanting to get intimate with their spouse. Of this last thing I've heard about and it saddens me, yes, but everything else she said was very upsetting and shattering for me

 

ALL relationships take work to keep them going good (even if they are 'vanilla'). It is when people take them for granted or don't put in the work that they start going bad. Love, trust, communication are all REQUIREMENTS for a good relationship. If any of the three are missing, it can begin a downward spiral where things just continue to get worse.

 

If I fall in love with another (single) person I couldn't bear to share the love or affection we have with another couple or a single.

 

I felt the same when I was your age. This is where the trust and communication come in. Some (most) people won't ever be able to do this, but some can. It's not that either is right or wrong, it's just how it is and they are. When I was young, I couldn't trust my partner enough to even think about swinging. The jealousy was just too much. It took years to develop the maturity and trust to even start talking about the subject and still I was concerned that jealousy would be a problem. We were very careful and slow as we started exploring this and I found out that it wasn't a problem. This was fun and I KNEW she was always going to be coming home with me. Still, not so fun that I would ever risk losing her if either of us wanted to stop someday.

 

Onto another topic, another thing I am confused about is the difference between a Sex Club and a Swinger Club?

 

Don't know either. We have never found a sex club (not even sure where to look...Yelp?)

 

...the couple she ended up with used her as a sex object basically; they talked about her, not TO her, in third person and only to comment about the things she was doing and leaving her out of the affection.

 

I'm sure that this was their way of doing things. It doesn't make it the RIGHT way. Part of the difficulty is finding another couple (or singe) that meets the needs of everyone involved. Since they met at a club, there wasn't any way of finding out if they all were a 'match'. The other couple (it sounds like) were just looking for someone to play with and not see again. That's fine if that is also what you (or in this case, your friend) were looking for. If someone is looking for something different, then they need to talk about it with everyone involved before hand. We have always been looking for FWB so for us finding another couple that we 'clicked' with was the most important part. We would LOVE to find a unicorn that everyone clicked, but...they are called unicorns for a reason. As it is, we have found another couple that we all do click and we have a great time together...doing both swinger and vanilla things together.

 

Is there a right way to behave with a single female/male who joined a couple for a night?

 

'Right' is a term that can only be defined by the people involved. What may be right for one group isn't going to work for another. Would we have treated her the same way as this other couple: no. But that doesn't mean what they did was 'wrong'. It was right for the couple at the time. Is swinging right or wrong? For some it is right, for others it is very wrong but just because someone doesn't agree with it, it doesn't make it wrong for everyone.

 

I am for intercourse with other unattached people, that's why I don't think a Swinger Club would be right for me, but what are the other options?

 

It's called 'dating'.

 

Hope we helped answer some of your questions. We wish you luck with whatever 'right' path you choose.