Is it normal?!

[NN2039 15]

So my wife and I have recently began our journey into the LS, and we have been involved in a MFF, MFM, we have also played around at the club with other couples but nothing serious. and we actually just had our first full swap experience. That being said there were a few things that went awry that I want to make sure aren’t an issue moving forward:

 

1st: within our boundaries/rules are no kissing(she feels that’s intimate between a couple) and that she doesn’t do certain maneuvers orally to the other man that she has only done for me (deep throating and ball play) we were both very clear on our rules.

 

So with our first experience 2 things happened, one of which was she broke my rule, which wouldn’t have upset me had she not said he “pushed her head down” when I was watching and that didn’t happen she willingly did it. And the second thing is she basically had the female version of “couldn’t get it up”(couldn’t get wet)So my question: is my rule too much too extreme and even after discussing happen again, And is her not getting wet just nerves or is this a sign of something else?

[PSULioness 857]

Looks like everyone has their own rules. Kissing, if you read all the posts, is a big rule for some couples. I don’t understand that rule, I think it just is a way for some to think they aren’t being intimate. To me that’s crazy. If I can kiss a penis or vagina why not lips? For not giving your all on a blow job I ask why are you there with someone else. Do you hold back too?

I can’t answer on dryness. Is it age or an infection? Does she ever have this at home?

[NN2039 15]

No she definitely doesn’t have the issue at home, didn’t have the issue at the club nor with our threesomes. And as far as giving her all, I guess to me that’s my point of “intimacy”. It sounds odd I know.

[bryonboru 60]

To me that’s crazy. If I can kiss a penis or vagina why not lips?

 

We totally agree with this one, it is only sex and sometimes a little bit of kissing makes it hotter and may help with the dryness.

[lcmim 1,082]

 

“pushed her head down” when I was watching and that didn’t happen she willingly did it.

 

And the second thing is she basically had the female version of “couldn’t get it up”(couldn’t get wet)

 

 

If this was the same guy, My read is that he was being pushy and she did not like it. That would be a buzzkill for my wife.

 

Kissing? To each their own. We have a small set of no goes. These are mostly things it took us years to build up to between us and would not fall into the realm of normal casual play.

[AngelandTiger 364]

Unless there's a medical condition or age issue, not getting wet is usually translated as "not getting aroused". There could have been many reasons for that, perhaps she just wasn't into him or he DID push her head down when she was unwilling???

 

In any case, you need to chat with her about it. And just to address the no-kissing rule, we think that kissing is an integral part of the sexual experience, and such a rule is so tenuous and the probability of violating it so great that we routinely pass on any couple with that rule. Not saying it's not fine to have that rule, just that we know (from experience with some folks that "followed" it, that it's kind of a landmine waiting to be stepped on......

 

T

[padoc 1,703]

Having to check off a lot of rules is distracting. Distractions kill arousal. If kissing is a part of your sex play together, its natural that it is then part of the arousal process for both of you and if she's not aroused, she's not wet. Its a silly rule and we agree completely with PSU (We ARE…). No kissing is for us means no play no matter how hot the couple is.

[luvin eye full 140]

Changing rules on the fly is a bad idea in my book - only because you have not talked with your partner and found out how they would feel about it.

 

which is what your saying happened - now lets look at that - you say he did not push her head down and she says he did, there are a few things that can explain this, did he touch her hair or head at all and were you watching her head for the show?

 

He may of touched her hair and she took it as a push, you may of glanced away at the time he did it, and so on - the real point is how did she feel about it? did she say something to you? did you jump on her straight away and say some thing?

 

what i see from your post is that you need to ( with and upset/anger with each other ) sit down and go over how you both felt about it all - the whole time not just bits of it.

also who wanted to try this and how long before you did it?

 

From what you say about her dryness i would think she was not into it at all and you should off checked in with her ( and used lube if needed ) It's you and her then the rest of the world. make sure that comes over when talking and playing.

 

lastly, about rules - if they are your rules (both of you ) and you both can play by them then who cares what others think.

[machiavel55 81]

 

“pushed her head down” when I was watching and that didn’t happen she willingly did it.

 

And the second thing is she basically had the female version of “couldn’t get it up”(couldn’t get wet)

 

 

If this was the same guy, My read is that he was being pushy and she did not like it. That would be a buzzkill for my wife.

 

Kissing? To each their own. We have a small set of no goes. These are mostly things it took us years to build up to between us and would not fall into the realm of normal casual play.

 

First, your rules are your rules, you're entitled to them, it's your relationship and whatever other people here say, your rules are not stupid.

Second, never minimize or ignore your emotions thinking that maybe you should accept your partner breaking rules.

If you do that, more rules may be broken and you may blow up one day once you've had enough with catastrophic results.

By dealing with your emotions one at a time you'll avoid huge blowouts and also respect from others starts with you standing your ground.

Good luck!

[NN2039 15]

We came up with the rules as soon as we decided on entering the LS, so it definitely wasn’t on the fly or last minute haha. And I talked to her about it when we got home, I didn’t jump on her or get mad I explained my feelings about it, and once I did she claimed she did it because she didn’t know what the other woman was doing to me and heard me enjoying it and is very competitive. She said only after she had done it to him a couple times did he put his hand on her head.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

First of all, the right thing to do was to talk it out (sounds like you have). Second, your rules should adapt as time goes on (but NEVER without discussion in a neutral environment and agreement with both parties). It sounds like your rules are adapting, but a rule should never change when you are with another person or couple. I think that this is a rule that you should talk about for the future (and it should be almost a 'golden' rule).

 

We also started out with a no kissing rule thinking the same thing you two do...but after our first or second 'adventure' we 'grew out' of this rule. We thought that we might have a problem seeing the other kiss someone else, but (for us at least) that wasn't the case so we decided to eliminate this rule. It was an important rule when we started (fear of jealousy, intimacy with another, and the like), but after testing the water, those fears never materialized so we 'moved forward' and removed that rule.

 

Bottom line here is that it sounds like it wasn't too upsetting to either of you. Either you need to decide if this rule is important enough to keep. If it is, then make sure that she knows and go from there. Maybe stay close enough to each other so she can always see what is happening with you and not assume what might be going on. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open and you both keep talking as you continue. Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

[Guest]

From my experience a lot of couples start out in the lifestyle and have a LOT OF RULES.

 

Then over time figure out that they have too many rules / that so many rules are hard to enforce / that so many rules can be confusing / that rules do get broken.

 

Then in the long run couples adapt and have less rules, perhaps a good example would be, if you have more than 5 rules its too many.

[jnrswinger 62]

If she likes to deep throat and likes oral ball play it would be difficult and unsatisfying for her to hold back on just those two little things if she is really getting into it giving a man a blowjob - and isn't getting into it the whole point? What is the point or fun in halfheartedly swinging? I can see having a no cocksucking rule or a no anal rule - or even a no kissing rule (which seems to be fairly common though personally it beats me why, even given some of the explanations). But if a particular type of activity is on the table it should be open to go for it completely without nit picking the details and spoiling the experience. Is it fair to say you can suck another man's cock but you can't enjoy it too much and give him deepthroat or suck his balls if you want to? I bet you wouldn't complain if another woman deepthroated you (especially if your wife was not looking?). And is it fair to have one rule for the hen and another for the rooster? The whole point is to enjoy the experience and having to worry about nit picking details you have to avoid or hold back on as you go along is counterproductive - and frustrating! Do you want her to have a good time or don't you? If you don't then you shouldn't be swinging.

 

One other point she (actually neither of you) should be put in the position of having to make excuses. That is a recipe for swinging disaster and maybe even relationship disaster.

[ChaTam 43]

My personal opinion is the fewer the playtime rules the better. I honestly couldn't imagine watching how my wife sucks another mans cock, paying attention to how she is doing it to see if she is breaking a rule. That wouldn't be enjoyable at all. If you're watching for that you're not enjoying yourself with your partner. You may not be watching for it per-say but you look over and question, is she deep throating him? That instantly takes you out of your play time. Now you're more worried about the rules than fucking. I think you guys need to sit down and discuss the rules again. Work through why it would be okay to suck a mans cock but not okay to deep throat or play with the balls? Wouldn't it make more sense, be more enjoyable and honestly easier all around if you could agree that if your wife would like to suck another mans cock, she should suck his cock however she feels comfortable sucking it? If both of you are comfortable enough to have sex with another couple or single, why would kissing be considered too intimate? Is it really something that needs to be avoided?

 

I completely understand having rules and level of comfort. Are we a full or soft swap couple? Do we play in same or different rooms? Will we play with friends or coworkers? Will we hot wife or do hall passes? Will we only pay safe or will play without condoms with select people be permitted? The lifestyle is full of things to discuss and to agree upon ahead of time. Having said that, you guys are in the lifestyle to have sex with other people. That means giving and receiving as much pleasure as you possibly can. If my wife is comfortable doing something she will do it. If she is not she will let her play partner know. Once we start to play we have zero restrictions. There is no, you do this only with me or.. you don't do this with me so you can't with someone else. My wife doesn't swallow my cum. She's tried it and does not particularly enjoy it. So I don't cum in her mouth. On two separate occasions she has taken her partner in her mouth and swallowed some portion of it. In that moment, with this person, in this sexy environment it is what she wanted to do. What logical reason would I have for getting upset by that? What you do is completely up to you. That may not work for everyone but it works very well for us. Talk it through, let go of insecurities and enjoy your journey into opening up your marriage.

[MadlyInLuv 94]

We can have a discussion about the merits of certain rules, but that's a whole other discussion. Breaking a rule is not cool for either party even if it's a weird rule. For the record my wife and I have a (maybe temporary) pause on kissing too. We are fairly new.

[Guest]

With swinging, even nudity, part of the excitement is that we are breaking the rules so it seems so silly to apply artificial ones about how we swing. That kissing thing, we all know where that came from, some movie where the prostitute didn’t kiss her customers because she was saving it for the special guy and we all said, ahhhhh. If you want to see your spouse have or enjoy sex why would you apply a bunch of rules. I know, we did too and then we watched those rules go out the window. The thing is, when we get hot and passionate and lose control, we do what we do. Isn’t that what you want her to do, be hot enough to lose control. Certainly there should be relationship rules, we only play together or such, things that define the swinging relationship. And there should be safety rules, wear condoms, a safety word, the wife doesn’t got out, pick up a guy and do him on her own without hubby knowledge or involvement, etc. But come on, kisses, sucking? If you don’t want her doing those types of things, you really don’t want her to swing, you are just using the whole thing so you can wam bam other women, at least that’s how it comes off to me.

[jnrswinger 62]

With swinging, even nudity ......................... If you don’t want her doing those types of things, you really don’t want her to swing, you are just using the whole thing so you can wam bam other women, at least that’s how it comes off to me.

 

I think you may have hit on something there. Whether conscious or subconscious maybe this is more about him getting to bang other women but putting limits on what she can do in order to do it. "I'll let her do certain things so I get get what I want." They need to think about that and discuss it. If you have rules for swinging they should be fair and equal. If rules are lopsided or too restricting on one partner it's suspicious.

 

Is he allowed to get deepthroated by the other woman? Is he banned from putting his tongue in her pussy? Is does rather sound suspiciously like he can do whatever he likes but she has to "behave herself" and not get too excited or enjoy it too much.

[pete c 34]

This^^^^^

 

Seems to me the OP wants to fuck other women but isn’t happy with the wife getting hers. The whole you can suck a dick so long as it doesn’t get more than a few inches in is silly.

[shinycupcake 16]

I agree with a lot of the other posters about paying too much attention to her behaviors with dick sucking and not enough time getting her aroused. For me personally I need lots of rubbing and some oral to get me going and ready.

As far as the rules, we also experienced an issuer because we didn’t talk the rules out with the other couple and we went into the situation thinking we were doing full swap, but the other couple was wanting just the girls to play so we really should have expressed rules for both couples BEFORE we went back to the hotel room with them. So it’s not a sexy conversation to have but if you expect others to have a good time and you guys have strict rules about how each person can get pleasure it’s unfair to the other couple if you do not explicitly talk about rules and boundaries before hand.

[EastInWest 1,524]

When we first talked about condom use, Mrs. E was quick to decide that she's never given head with a condom and isn't about to start now.

 

I'm not being judgmental, but if you don't even want her to give a good blowjob, it doesn't really sound like you want her playing.