Confronted by my brother-in-law

[intuition897 2,179]

Spent Easter at my parents' place. I love my family, and always enjoy getting back to see everyone. Especially during the holidays, when everyone is together. I came back on Saturday to visit and help get things prepped for Easter dinner the next day. I cracked open the big ass bottle of wine I brought with me and settled in to relax. My sister and her husband and their kids are staying with my parents temporarily while they're renovating their house. The whole clan rolled in from my nephew's hockey game, causing the house to erupt in busy, happy noise. My sister got the kids fed and ready for bed, put the baby down to sleep, and knocked off for the night. My brother-in-law, however, was not ready for bed.

 

J - my brother-in-law - is an extrovert of the highest order. A dyed in the wool party animal. He came home with a head start on the holiday festivities. When my sister announced that she was ready for bed, he said he wasn't. "I'm ready to rip." he says. Translation: he's feeling energetic and festive. And wants to drink.

 

J is a bad influence on me. To make a long story short, he and I stayed up drinking, talking, and arm-wrestling until 6:00 AM. My sister was pissed, and because she's as vanilla as the day is long, she was even a little suspicious of our shenanigans. Now let me say this straight up: I love my BIL dearly. He's family. He's the brother I never had. That's it. I had an awesome time drinking myself into a stupor with him, talking the whole night through, really getting to know him. The man is so in love with my sister, and I love him for that.

 

But to the problem. During our long night of discussing everything under the sun, we had a really awkward conversation.

 

"Sho, I heard shumthn about you guys." Yeah, that's him slurring his words.

 

"Oh yeah? Wh'sat?" I asked.

 

"I-I hear you 'n (Mr. intuition) were, uh...kinda freaky." I scrunched my eyebrows up a bit. "Yeah yeah, I heard you guys are...'sperimental." he says, leering at me a bit.

 

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said, looking purposely guilty, trying to play it off as a joke.

 

"I knew it!" he said, "Yeah you guys are a couple of freaks, aren't ya?" he teased. "I heard about you two." Heard about us??

 

"Um, where did you hear that?"

 

"Oh, it doesn't matter."

 

"Uh, yeah, it kinda does." I said. So he told me. We're from a small community where everyone knows everyone, so yes, I know who he was talking about. But we had ZERO interaction with this person in a lifestyle capacity. Mr. intuition figured it was because he had recognized our photos from one of our profiles.

 

"J, we are not talking about this." I said suddenly. "Think of something else to talk about, because this conversation is done." He's a gentleman, so he dropped it and we went on to talk about something else.

 

The next day (or more precisely, three hours later), I got out of bed, took a shower and tried to make myself appear human. The hangover didn't hit me until about mid-afternoon, but I wasn't going to suffer the shame of wallowing in self-pity. Take some advil, suck it up, and accept that you're going to feel like shit for the next two days. It's your own damn fault. J had no sense of pride that way and stayed in bed until dinner time. He was not a pretty sight.

 

Like I said, J is a bad influence! If I go back there again for another visit, he can have all that gut-rot homemade wine we got into that night to himself. I suffered for three days trying to get that paint thinner out of my system. My poor liver! He didn't say much to me the next day. We didn't get a chance to sort of clear the air about our awkward discussion. I'm trying to decide if I should try to clarify things a bit? I do NOT need my family to know about our lifestyle. J has a bit of a big mouth, especially if he's drinking, and I'm a little concerned about him accidentally blabbing about it. Plus, my sister is decidedly NOT okay with swinging.

 

I'm just wondering how - or if - I should approach him. I'm thinking something along the lines of, "Uh, I'm not sure exactly what kind of impression I left you with after our super-fucking-awkward conversation on Easter weekend, but I just wanted to make you sure we were clear..."

 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[Jane1902 476]

I wouldn't say anything. It doesn't sound like he is likely to bring it up unless in a similar condition. I think if you bring it up and try to deny it can easily be interpreted as the truth, which it is. I had been accused of doing something I didn't and was told the more I denied it the more it seemed true - by the party making an inaccurate accusation.

[WSB421 91]

I'm sorry you're in this predicament and welcome you back to these boards; your voice and sage advice have been sorely missed. This seems like something beyond a can of worms with no easily identifiable upside. You are right to tread carefully, I believe if I were you I'd avoid bringing the conversation up again.

 

Does your BIL feel the same about you as you do about him, platonic? This seems like a risky subject to broach with a SIL, especially alone, late and drunk. My list of concerns:

 

1. Your sister was angry and suspicious about you and her husband getting hammered and staying up all night talking. What is the root of that? As in love with your sister as he may be, she apparently thinks there is some sort of attraction or connection between you and your BIL or why the suspicions? Would he tell her if he was attracted to you?

 

2. Who was this person who revealed to your BIL that you were in the LS? How could that subject have come up organically in conversation? Why would your BIL not shut down that line of conversation immediately? I would not be interested in having a conversation with ANYONE about any aspect of my SIL's sex life.

 

3. If the person who told your BIL was comfortable enough to tell him that you and Mr. Intuition were in the LS and Mr. Intuition is correct that he saw profile pictures on a website then it is reasonable to assume he mentioned the site where he saw them to your BIL. Hard to imagine your BIL would have participated in this conversation and not asked what made this person believe you were in the LS. If the pics you posted on this site are similar to what your BIL may have seen on a website prior to the night of drinking he certainly wasn't going to be less attracted to you then he was before to put it mildly.

 

4. Although I suppose there is no ideal time to discuss this with a SIL, choosing to do so when he did makes me a little suspicious of the intent. You and J stay up drinking while everyone else goes to sleep. After drinking to the point of slurring words, talking for hours and having physical contact at least in the form of arm-wrestling he brings up the subject of you being in the LS. "I knew it!" he said, "Yeah you guys are a couple of freaks, aren't ya?" he teased. "I heard about you two." Sounds like he's been thinking about it a bit to me, bringing it up at the grayest possible moment... How do you know your sister is completely against swinging? Your BIL may be of a different mindset.

 

I hope I’m wrong about your BIL being attracted to you. Even if he does have a big mouth it is hard to imagine him saying anything. How does he broach the subject with your sister without having to explain (1) Where he heard the rumor? (2) Why would he want to discuss your SIL’s sex life? (3) Why didn’t you tell me this immediately after the conversation was had? (4) Why would you bring this up to my sister and especially alone when you’d both been drinking heavily? That seems like just the start of a list of questions he wouldn’t enjoy answering. As always, I hope all turns out well for you and Mr. Intuition.

[padoc 1,704]

Drink good vodka. You're lucky a 2 dayer was the only price you paid.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

If you bring it up at this point he will realize that there is some truth to the rumor (since you were still thinking about it). IF he brings it up again, we usually play it off as a joke: Sure we do, can't you just see us at a swingers party trading partners...whips and chains, maybe, but swinging...?!!

 

Most likely he isn't going to bring it up again unless you are both drinking again. Easiest solution: avoid drinking all night with him again.

[intuition897 2,179]

Does your BIL feel the same about you as you do about him, platonic? This seems like a risky subject to broach with a SIL, especially alone, late and drunk.

 

I think his approaching me in this manner was just fueled more by curiosity than anything. IF he has any attraction to me, it isn't mutual. Family bonds run deep in our clan, but not like that!

 

1. Your sister was angry and suspicious about you and her husband getting hammered and staying up all night talking. What is the root of that? As in love with your sister as he may be, she apparently thinks there is some sort of attraction or connection between you and your BIL or why the suspicions? Would he tell her if he was attracted to you?

 

No, he probably wouldn't. Like I said, they're both very vanilla...although J is apparently more curious about things than she is. She's naturally jealous - admittedly so - and this is the first place her mind goes. In retrospect, our behaviour was probably a tad unseemly, but at the time was 100% innocent. I would have loved it if she'd stayed up with us; I don't get to visit with them as much as I'd like. We were just having fun, and lost track of time. I guess I just felt like doing something I could complain about for the next few days.

 

2. Who was this person who revealed to your BIL that you were in the LS? How could that subject have come up organically in conversation? Why would your BIL not shut down that line of conversation immediately? I would not be interested in having a conversation with ANYONE about any aspect of my SIL's sex life.

 

I have no idea how that could've come up organically; I suspect it didn't. It's juicy enough that it warranted its own conversation, and it gets categorized as "just guy talk". There's a difference between being a gentleman and being sophisticated. I expect he was in disbelief and was so preoccupied by it that he simply HAD to get it straight from the horse's mouth. And I also expect that the copious amounts of alcohol we imbibed were taken as either liquid courage to bring it up, or as a convenient excuse the next day to be able to brush off any conversation we had the night before.

 

3. If the person who told your BIL was comfortable enough to tell him that you and Mr. Intuition were in the LS and Mr. Intuition is correct that he saw profile pictures on a website then it is reasonable to assume he mentioned the site where he saw them to your BIL. Hard to imagine your BIL would have participated in this conversation and not asked what made this person believe you were in the LS. If the pics you posted on this site are similar to what your BIL may have seen on a website prior to the night of drinking he certainly wasn't going to be less attracted to you then he was before to put it mildly.

 

Well if J was dumb enough go looking for nekkid pictures of his SIL, he's stuck with the images in his head now. Some things you can't un-see. I'm really not sweating it. Mr. intuition and I knew that this was one of the risks you run when you put photos of yourself on a swingers website. In any case, we don't have anything showing our faces, and I've worn skimpier stuff to the beach than what was in the photos.

 

How do you know your sister is completely against swinging? Your BIL may be of a different mindset.

 

Because she says the word "swinger" with a scrunched up look of disgust/contempt on her face. She totally believes the hype. She's a party-girl, herself (or at least was before all the kids and adulting came along), but there are some things she holds sacred. Monogamy is one of them. Like I said...vanilla. J is just being a guy. Swinging is a pretty exotic thing where I come from, so to find yourself sitting at the kitchen table with - to him, at least - the equivalent of a magical unicorn, you don't let that kind of opportunity pass you by without at least asking. Regardless of how inappropriate it may seem.

 

Like I said, I'm really not sweating it. We're not ashamed of what we do. My only concern is that, YES, he does have a bit of a problem with loose lips when he's drinking. Which is pretty frequently. And it IS juicy gossip. The only reason I'd want to bring it up again is just to emphasize that this is not just idle gossip; we're not ashamed, but we are very discreet for a reason. If this got out and everyone started talking about us, it's not Mr. intuition and I who would suffer for it (although I'd be a little worried for his job). It's my family that will pay the price.

[Guest]

Yep personally I wouldn't say anything.

 

Instead I'd re-work my online profiles to make sure it was very difficult / impossible for anyone to recognize us.

 

I'd make sure any profile pictures was secured, didn't show distinguishing features, didn't show our home, didn't show our bedroom, tattoos, piercings, faces, pets, jewelry, and make sure to have a blank background for the pictures.

 

In other words don't take pictures in your bedroom with family photos on the wall, or anything else that people will recognize.

 

I often use simple programs like "Windows Paint" to edit out our tattoos and to cover things people could recognize.

 

Now as it stands the only person who suspects anything sounds like a bit of a crazy drinking party animal so its doubtful anyone would believe him, or would suspect him of cracking jokes and pranks.

 

Personally I just ignore it totally and avoid the conversation in the future, however securing your online accounts would be a good idea. Also another thing I often do with online account is search for single males in my local area and then block anyone of them that I know.

 

On one of my profiles I have 3 or 4 guys blocked all that lives in my local area and all of which I know, one of them is a policeman so it sometimes pays to do a in depth search if your local area and really look at every profile and every picture and chances are you will find 1 or 2 people you already know, in which case its easier to block them.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My guess is that your sister already knows what he knows... and that may have fueled her jealousy/worry/negative feelings.

 

Personally, I'd leave it alone and not bring it up again. Act like it never happened. You were the one who put the stop to the conversation so there's no good reason to restart it.

 

(always good to see you around these parts)