Swinging with former poly partners

[HollySwinger 15]

Hi friendly swingers of the internet! My husband and I are active swingers who go to events, have a good circle of swinger friends, and have been in the LS for a number of years. This is my first time turning to a more anonymous message board because I'm not sure how to talk about this with my swinger friends...at the risk of coming across as high maintenance :/

 

We were in a pretty intimate poly relationship with another couple for almost two years. Guy and I would spend the night together just the two of us, we all said I love you, got gifts for each other, spent holidays together, go on vacations together, things like that. They were not only great sexual partners, but also became our best friends. Throughout this time, we were all also swinging with other people. A number of issues arose between us, some having to do with jealousy due to outside swinging, but most significantly they moved a few hours away. So the relationship had to change.

 

I still feel invested. But I'm not sure how to make the adjustment from a more intimate, poly relationship to a regular swinger friendship again. Everyone else seems ready to do this, but I guess I'm not. I have plenty of great, fun, light swinger friendships...but it's hard for me to think about having this style of relationship with this particular couple. However, I don't want to be left with nothing!

 

Has anyone on this board dealt with "downgrading" ("reverting"?) a poly relationship back to a light, friendly swinger relationship, one where you can still play, attend parties, have group sex, etc...but not be poly anymore? Or is this just a case of pandora's box...since we went down that path, it's going to be all or nothing? Do I just enjoy the relationship for what it is now? Or do I be the drama queen who calls it quits on something I actually liked, just because it's not the same as what it once was?

 

In the "vanilla" world, when you break up with someone, you don't typically have sex with them again, and again, and again. So what's a swinger (and in this case, poly) girl to do?

 

TL; DR: It's hard for me to swing with my ex-poly bf. Can the "backwards" transition from poly bf/gf to lighthearted swinger friend work?

[Judy39 145]

I would leave the whole thing alone for a while and focus my mind on something or somebody else. It all sounds very fresh.

 

After some time, it'll be easier to see what's right for you.

 

It's totally possible to downgrade and still enjoy it, but breaking up completely isn't wrong either, particularly if you're not satisfied with the casual relationship.

[Numex 2,409]

Let us know how it goes.

[HollySwinger 15]

Thanks, friends. We are supposed to see them this weekend at a LS party they are throwing, and it's making me anxious. This isn't easy.

[Judy39 145]

It's hard when relationships fade or change into something that no longer works for you, but things will get better over time, one way or the other. They always do.

 

Also, even if you have hard feelings for whatever reason, you can always make a conscious effort to not act them out or be weird or whatever. Feeling jealous, for example, is totally fine and sometimes unavoidable, so long as you don't use it to ruin other people's fun. You can feel it, accept it, wait it out, and move on...

 

Have a good time at the party! See if you can meet someone new perhaps?

 

x

[padoc 1,703]

You apparently have an emotional bond with the guy that hasn't been broken by miles or the changes in the relationship between you 4. If you go to the party you should whisper in his ear, "Find me when playtime starts, I want to start the party with you". 20 minutes, a couple of orgasms, then get up and move on. Don't lay there and cuddle and engage in pillow talk. Just pat him on the thigh and say, "that was great, maybe I'll come looking for you later". Keep it light and make sure you find another partner or two before the evening is over and get lost in the eroticism. If you dwell on what's changed, you'll miss the fun right in front of you.

[couplers 4,614]

... I'm not sure how to make the adjustment from a more intimate, poly relationship to a regular swinger friendship.

Has anyone on this board dealt with "downgrading" ("reverting"?) a poly relationship back to a light, friendly swinger relationship, one where you can still play,...but not be poly anymore?

 

In the "vanilla" world, when you break up with someone, you don't typically have sex with them again, and again, and again. So what's a swinger (and in this case, poly) girl to do?

 

Hi, this is Petra with the story of two exes. We are in a poly family, kids and all, that has gone through something similar. My husband's ex-fiancée Lora joined him, my boyfriend, our girlfriend and me for what started as fun sex. Her boyfriend Walter eventually participated as well. Lora liked being back with my hubby (they split because her family didn't like that he is white) and having us girls as Lesbian partners. Walter liked Lora and the opportunity to swing. They got married, but Lora decided she wanted hubby and to have his child, and us as girlfriends too. Lora divorced Walter, joined us and had David's child. When Walter has been in town we still swing with him. No problems for anyone.

[PeterJ 940]

Hi, this is Petra with the story of two exes. We are in a poly family, kids and all, that has gone through something similar. My husband's ex-fiancée Lora joined him, my boyfriend, our girlfriend and me for what started as fun sex. Her boyfriend Walter eventually participated as well. Lora liked being back with my hubby (they split because her family didn't like that he is white) and having us girls as Lesbian partners. Walter liked Lora and the opportunity to swing. They got married, but Lora decided she wanted hubby and to have his child, and us as girlfriends too. Lora divorced Walter, joined us and had David's child. When Walter has been in town we still swing with him. No problems for anyone.

 

That’s all pretty complicated, Petra. But you’ve been posting here for many years, and my hat’s off to you and your extended family for making everything work well. I think you folks provide a good model for how poly relationships can be done.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

So, how did it go?

[HollySwinger 15]

Hi there, and thanks for the advice and interest. My husband and I went to the house party (I think there were 8 or 9 couples there) and we enjoyed socializing and meeting some new people. My husband and I played with one couple who were new to us, which was fun! But we didn’t play with our former poly bf/gf, and that was disappointing. I know they are trying to make new connections in their new hometown, but I think I deserve a bit more considering what we had for so long...I would’ve been happy with 20 minutes of play at some point during the evening. I tried a few times to show my interest but each time I felt like a puppy dog begging for attention and not a desired, equal partner. Late in the evening when much of the group play was over and people were leaving or going to bed, I said to him, “I’d hoped we could play tonight.” But as he and I were getting started, she came in the room with a new couple and asked me to leave. I didn’t make a fuss, but that felt incredibly disrespectful. I know I’m being needy, and I know that’s not attractive. But I have reasonable needs and I think I’m worth more than what I’m getting. One of our mutual friends who was also at the house party called me after we got home because she saw how we were being treated and she was upset we were not being treated better. I’m just not sure what to do from here.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Holly, I'm so sorry that the party ended for you the way it did. I assume you're talking with your husband about this issue, I'd be interested in hearing his take on this.

 

In the first post you said, "In the "vanilla" world, when you break up with someone, you don't typically have sex with them again, and again, and again." Perhaps it's time to treat your former lover as if he'd broken up with you, and decide not to have sex with him again.