Husband tries to set up play with his friends....HELP!

[Sassymama45 15]

Background: We are newly weds, but have been in the lifestyle for almost two years. He introduced me to it. Because he has had way more experience than I have, he has friends both single females and couples with whom he has played with in the past and maintained friendships. Some were even invited to our wedding.

 

However, early on, I told him that I did not want to play with his females friends or couples he played with in the past. The primary reasons for this is because I was not comfortable with him setting up play sessions with women or couples he already knew. I felt like I was JOINING them as opposed to them joining us. And I wanted to avoid any attempts to set up sessions with him without me.

 

He has on four occasions attempted to set up these plays sessions, which has made me upset.

First time: A female friend he played with in the past. We were out of town where she lives, and I found a club for us to go to. Instead of introducing me to her over lunch or dinner, he unilaterally invited her to the club. A big no go.

Second time: A couple he played with previously. I had already conversed with the wife but never indicated I wanted to play with them. We were all visiting another city, so during my first in person meeting with them (which was after a club visit and dinner with my husband that they did not join us for), he had me in a situation where he was trying to get us to play, and they were all for it. I was exhausted and not really feeling the husband, but he ignored that and kept pressuring me to the point where I had to walk out of the room and say good night.

 

Third time: Same couple but this time via groupchat. They were coming to our reception and during the groupchat about logistics, he brought up sex and us playing together. Offline I let him know I was bothered about it and to stop it. He apologized (again).

 

Fourth time: Another female friend. Admittedly, during a weekend we were hanging out at a bar, and we were making out in front of my husband. However, he had never told me he played with her before. So, recently, he unilaterally invited her over for dinner, despite me noting I wasn't really up for entertaining ANYONE. I was still cordial and nice. He was extra bubbly so to speak and again tried to create a situation for play. Nothing happened, and I asked him the next day if that was what he was doing, and he said no. That was when I asked if he had played with her before, and he told me he had.

 

It is THAT kind of backhanded time of behavior that continues to make me uncomfortable about playing with his friends. I am not sure how to address it or what to do. We go to clubs and resorts, and I initiate those trips 75% of the time. We have played with a mutual friend of mine that I arranged. I talk to the women we play with, and he always selects the guys. Any discussions with single guys, I always include him in a group chat.

 

HELP! Am I being overly sensitive or too controlling? If not, how do I get him to stop this crap?

[JandKinBoise 859]

Asking a person to change a behavior is more difficult than it sounds. "Stop trying to bang your friends?". But these are more than friends, these are people he has developed a sexual relationship with and he seems to be happy with keeping it going. He will probably continue pressuring you, as you are a sexual person who enjoys the LS. He is probably having difficulty in understanding your hesitation. To him, it probably seems obvious to include them in your LS pursuits. Maybe try to get past who is joining who and maybe see what he sees in them. Making new LS friends is a job. Here are a bunch right here.

[padoc 1,704]

JandK has a point. Part of the process and a time consuming part (unless you're a nice boobs lets fuck kinda couple)is vetting the other guy/girl/couple. Are they attractive? Can we enjoy spending time with them? Are they clean? Are they normal (meaning they don't do puppies)? Do we have similar sexual interests? Your husband has already don the work for the people you're discussing. At this point, your questions to yourself should be, do I like them enough to get naked and if so are they doable?

 

I don't see the problem with his having a previous swinging relationship with these folks. He's NOT asking to boink them on his own, he IS inviting you to join him with his friends, people with whom he's had some fun sexual times. I think that's actually thoughtful and nice. OP might want to rethink your position and yes, I think you're oversensitive and controlling in this matter. It would be different if he wanted to go off and play with these people on his own. But he's not, he wants to share his erotic friends WITH you. He sounds like a good guy.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

This is something similar to the classic TV situation comedy in which the husband invites the boss to dinner and surprises the wife with this information upon arriving home at 4 in the afternoon. It was considered high comedy during he 1950s but is today thought of as contrary to any modern concept of a married relationship.

 

I, for one, do not believe that you are being overly-sensitive or are over-reacting. He should pause long enough listen and make a sincere attempt to understand your feelings. If he backs off, you might eventually decide to invite these people into your life, you might not. But you need to be given a little bit of space.

[Jane1902 476]

I understand it is not easy to make ongoing friends in any lifestyle. But it still seems the husband is going behind her back to set up playdates despite previous agreements and ultimatley she is not comfortable. Some may interpret this as not being secure, reguardless it is a comfort level that is being ignored. Ask hubs to read what you wrote and ask for his input.

[Sassymama45 15]

In all honesty, I am seeing firsthand how hard it is to meet people in the lifestyle. I have taken the lead on that, and it isn't easy. So, I do see your point there.

 

With the couple, I am not attracted to the husband. And my hubby told me during a previous playdate with them where he brought a female, his date was turned off due to the husband's size and ended up left out. However, my hubby still played with the couple. (This was well before we met.) I told him that situation is one I never want to be in--where I am not participating and he continues. He said he understood. It is never going to happen with the couple, although they are nice and fun hang out with.

 

As for the female friend, I was not happy that he never told me he played with her before. We (female friend and I) have met on several occasions. I also have a thing about opposite sex communication. With any women we have met, I exchange contact info with them and that is how we communicate. This is HIS friend, so that doesn't work, and I get that. Because she is nice, I could see us all playing at some point, but his actions don't make me comfortable with it.

 

I don't want to be controlling or overly sensitive. My husband has never been in the lifestyle with a significant other, so he is having to adjust to considering another person. I want him to work with me in building our own group of lifestyle friends and said he can initiate. However he is hesitant because at times he doesn't pick up on certain "rude" behavior. (If a woman is into him and barely acknowledges me, it won't happen. Again, that adjustment to considering his SO in those situations is tough sometimes.)

 

Any and all suggestions and feedback are welcomed.

[MarniJohn 172]

I think what I discovered with my husband is that when I felt that regardless of how many times I tried to make him understand how I felt, it was not until I made a conscious effort to sit down with him during a Sunday afternoon face to face and explain how I was feeling, that things changed. I explained that I am open to swinging but it has to be on both of our terms, not just his. I told him what was not working for me and what he could do to help me to be more comfortable. It took a few times of talking, to get him to understand.

 

I would always be sure to point out where things weren't working right after they happened so it was fresh for him. We would have a sort of debriefing on our way home each time after these talks to clarify why the night did or did not work.

 

I think your husband needs to realize that you are happy to participate in the lifestyle but you have your terms and they are reasonable. If he wants to continue to swing, he has to listen to you. Otherwise it will never work!

[Fitlakecouple 451]

True, it is not easy finding compatible couples, but that is no excuse for him ignoring your wishes/boundaries. Creating your lifestyle experiences together will establish a solid foundation for you both. Later, if you decide to invite one of his past friends in - it will be them joining you (both) not you joining them.

And, this should go without saying but, just because he had good experiences with these past folks doesn't mean you are even necessarily attracted to them.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I felt like I was JOINING them as opposed to them joining us.

 

Makes perfect sense to us. You seem more than happy to play with him and only have (seemingly) one rule: The two of you are playing with others...you are not playing with him and someone else he knows/has played with in the past. We get it...we don't understand why he doesn't. You need to sit down and discuss this since you are totally not being unreasonable (IOHO). He needs to respect your wishes in this situation. Sure, it's hard to find other couples/people where everyone gets along, but trying to trap you into a situation is NOT going to make things better, it will only make them worse. Talk with him, maybe invite him to see what has been written here, and hopefully he will see the light. You are a team, you play as a team and not with a team he has played on before (without you). Good luck but no, you are not being over controlling or too sensitive. Talk...

[luvin eye full 140]

So really you do not care if he has banged them before, you just want him to respect your feelings with them now. We understand and see your point.

 

The point here is that your newly weds and he is already going ( sneakily ) against your feelings and concerns - this is bad and a red flag for you.

What else is he doing that he knows you are not comfortable with and still goes against ( or misrepresents ) your feelings on?

 

Stop swinging Until he starts to respecting you and your feelings, and if you find out that he does it again after this then sadly you can not trust him.

 

Best of luck

 

(ps , It does not matter if your newly weds or 50 years in - my point is that your starting your marriage in what i see and lack of a better word Deceit - this is bad )

[Guest]

I'm guessing that your husband doesn't mean any offence by suggesting play dates with these people.

 

In fact like several people have commented its DAM HARD to actually meet friendly decent people in this lifestyle, those people who have similar desires / want friendship / are happy been longer term friends / have similar experience levels and so on. Speaking blunt, most single guys online are either cheating on someone or simply want no care, no hassle, no friendship sex and to ram their dicks into new people without even caring who they are. Most couples do want to meet people but friendships with couples don't always last that long, many fizzle out after 2 or 3 meets. Single women are much harder to find and generally don't stay single for long, they move on quickly ad its easy to spend a year looking for a single female and lose them within a week or two.

 

My point is that sometimes if you meet someone who is interested in longer term friendship, who is interested in meeting on a regular basis, then it sometimes pays to keep in touch with that person. I usually base my opinions about a person on "IF THEY ARE SAFE"

 

 

For example.... Are they clean? Are their clothes clean? Are they sexually clean? Do they take care of themselves such as getting checked out? Do they seem like a honest enough person? Am I seeing any danger or warning signs? Are their intentions good? Will they follow our rules or boundaries? Are they too sexually active for comfort? Do they have any issues with violence, alcohol or hard drugs? Can they keep this situation private? Do they know any of my friends, family, work mates ect?

 

One thing that does jump out at me is that your husband says he has played with a few single females before, I can see how that is worrying to you, however at the same time your husband has not run away with these people, he has not started a relaitonship with these people but instead has chosen you to be his partner. That actually if he wanted to run away with such people he would have done years ago when they played.