Stranger danger/ known offender

[Afro-dytee 15]

Hello folks. I'm hoping someone can give me some insight or just use my experience as food for thought.

 

Friday night I went to a local lifestyle club. Really just needed to get out, had no intentions on playing at all. Well....that went out the window FAST. Met a super sexy young man, literally....he's 11 years younger than I. We had an awesome time, exchanged numbers, chatted all weekend and even went to brunch this morning. He's asked about me coming to his home a couple of times this weekend....my short answer is always NO. I'll see you at the club or other public place, but I'm not coming to your home.

 

I actually considered revisiting this in a couple months, maybe after several dates....id feel comfortable. Anywho....as always, whenever I plan on spending time with anyone m or f, I do a simple google check. I've gotten pretty good at acquiring less conspicuous info, for my search, without seeming like a complete weirdo. i.e current neighborhood, phone number, high school, college etc. Well today i did my usual search....and low and behold this guy is a registered sex offender who did time for sexually assaulting a young girl.

 

First, I thank my lucky stars that our only interaction outside of the club was a busy diner. While I do believe in the power of rehabilitation, but for me that's out the window once you've been sexually inappropriate or violent with a woman or child.

 

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? If it has never happened,how would you handle it?

 

I notified the club as soon as I found out, I sent an email and attached his mugshot and the link to the state sex offender website with all details regarding him. I was really torn about "whistle blowing", as i can't stand judgements. But I did make a judgement....maybe he's rehabilitated....maybe it was false accusation.....i don't know. But I just feel like, I would appreciate another woman doing the same thing.

 

I feel like if they don't respond or take any action towards revoking his membership, I'll never go back.

 

Oh yeah, I'm new, I'm Afro-Dytee! Hey y'all!

[Guest]

Hi Afro Dytee.

 

Personally I think you did the right thing, not only will your actions help protect other people / members who attend the club, but it will also help protect the club as a business and allow managers to inform staff and security of the possible risk. Sadly when a "Sex Offender" enters a business premises such as a club / bar / social event then it can actually cause that business some severe problems, it can cause all sorts of negative attention which can easily damage the reputation of that establishment.

 

For example a known sex offender once came into my workplace (we had no idea he was a sex offender, we can not check every customer who walks in the building) however a few weeks later we got a strongly worded email from a member of the public letting us know they had spotted this sex offender hanging around on our premises, and that as our premises often attracts teenagers they asked us to please remove the sex offender or else they would contact the police / news papers / local council, so we did a Google search and found this guy had been convicted of having indecent images of children so we had to ban him from the premises, yet still several weeks later we were questioned by the police and several other regular customers.

 

From a business point of view its a tricky subject because on one hand a business can not really say "Hey you got convicted of sex offences 10 years ago so your banned from our premises" because sure he has paid for that crime, that is a spent conviction. However a business can say "We have received complaints from other customers" and then ask him to leave the premises. By complaining you have given the business solid ground on which to take action. They might ban him from the premises or may simply watch him whilst on the premises, but either way its a good move to let them know.

 

I also don't think your wrong to be worried, for example you said in your post that he might be rehabilitated, sadly however you don't know what his "Trigger" is regarding this sexual behaviour, for example if he becomes to drunk he might turn into a pushy rapist type, if he takes a certain drug he might turn into a pushy rapist type, he might have serious bouts of anger which pushes him over the edge, he may simply become super offended if a women tells him no. You could see him for an entire year without a problem and then a certain "Trigger" could come along and BOOM he becomes hostile / aggressive / violent / obsessed.

 

The police themselves always say that most murders are "Crimes of Passion" that most murder happen when someone finds their partner cheating / someone argue with their partner / someone tells their partner they want a divorce / someone turns down the sexual advances of a partner. That really it only takes one minute of feeling super hurt / overwhelmed and this guy could do some serious damage. If he became obsessed with you sexually, if he began viewing you as his property, if he expects more from the friendship than you then all of a sudden you could end up with a very upset / angry man on your hands.

 

I have had a few strange encounters over the years, for example....

 

1: STALKER: One of the first single guys we ever played with turned out to be a very pushy / nasty stalker type who clearly had sexual or mental issues, we faced some months of problems from that guy and some years later found out he had been arrested for inviting 13 year old school girls back to his house for sex.

 

2: DANGER MAN: We met one couple and the man was obviously a nasty person, he was rude / pushy / aggressive / demanding, he spent most of the social meet giving me a look that said he wanted to kill me, really he just wanted to fuck other women and me been there was an inconvenience for him.

 

 

I'd avoid the man you have spoken about, sadly however the club might not ban him regarding something that happened years ago, if they are wise however they will take action to protect themselves and other members as lawsuits regarding sex offenders can easily wipe out a business or event.

 

 

Secondly........

 

Bit of an epic rant I know, but basically DO NOT just count on Google to protect you, there are various things you can do / say to help protect you, that you can watch out for dangers signs from the moment you meet someone, that you can ask leading questions / dig for information / watch their reactions and movements / lure them into a false sense of security / for example.

 

When I meet a so called single man I'm instantly watching out for danger signs.

 

I am looking for things like fighting scars / bruises or scars on their knuckles or face / self done prison style tattoos / gang tattoos / racist tattoos / filthy hands or finger nails / heavily smoked stained fingers from smoking drugs / rotting teeth from taking drugs / their general hygiene / their opinions about women / their opinions about their ex girlfriends / what hobbies they have.

 

For example I often ask a guy what hobbies he has? If they reply by saying they are a trained fighter / boxer / cage fighter / martial artist / or that they collect weapons / collect guns / collect knives / or seem to like very violent sports then I stay away from person. Don't get me wrong I'm sure there are some wonderful people who are fighters or martial arts types but there are also some pure idiots and I don't want to invite a trained fighter or weapon collector into my home.

 

I also look out for sings of STD'S and look out for the man constantly scratching his penis / look out for sores / rashes / broken areas of skin / general look of been ill or unhealthy / sores about the lips.

 

I also look out for any signs of heavy drug abuse such as rotting teeth / needle marks on the arms / rotting cracked finger nails / extremely bloodshot eyes.

 

Looking out for self harm is another good option, looking for attempted suicide scars on their wrists / neck / or arms is also good practice as if they have tried harming themselves they might not be that stable.

 

I look out for any signs of possible danger and also ask a variety of "Leading Questions" or even "Trick Questions" to try and uncover their true personality, for example.

 

 

I will ask questions such as:

 

"So how come your single at the moment, what happened with your last few ex partners?"

 

If the guy replies by saying.... "I don't want to fucking talk about that bitch / I hate my ex partner / my ex partner was a fucking whore / she is a horrible person"

 

Then I already know this man has serious issues when a sexual relaitonship ends.

 

"So when was the last time to got checked out sexually?"

 

That is another fantastic question to ask because generally there are TWO different answers a man will give.

 

1: "Yeah I got checked out about three months ago at the local clinic on West Street"

 

2: "Eeerrrr, hhhmmmm, eerrrrr, yeah I got checked out about 6 months ago at my doctors"

 

That basically if a man has actually been checked out sexually he will give a direct and quick answer, in my experience the guys who have NOT been checked out sexually will pause to think, they will break eye contact when asked that question, they will say things like "Hhhmmmm, mmmmmmm, eeerrrrr" as they try and dream up an answer, that they will give a nervous unsure answer and will pause several times as they think up a convincing lie. Generally I have found the men who give direct quick answers have been checked out, the ones who stutter / pause / break eye contact / have to think about the answer have not.

 

"So yeah I had to go to the doctors the other week and HE had to shove his fingers up my vagina / bum as a routine check for cancer, it was really uncomfortable what do you think about doctors?"

 

Men who give answers such as:

 

"I fucking hate doctors, they are all liars, I hate going to the doctors, I avoid them at all costs"

 

Means you already know this man will avoid going to the doctors or local clinics to get checked out.

 

"On rare occasion I find it difficult to reach orgasm, not always just once in a while. What about you, do you have any pains, issues, sexual hang ups I should know about?"

 

If a man answers by saying things like... I always struggle to cum / my penis hurts during sex / my stomach hurts during and after sex / I find it painful to cum / I get terrible gas and stomach issues after sex / sometimes my cum smells really bad / sometimes my cum is a funny colour like green or yellow / sometimes my dick gets a rash after sex. Then sure all those things can point to a possible sexual infection. In fact there are a lot of guys out there who say it HURTS when they cum and most of those guys hate going to the doctors and don't realise they have a sexual infection.

 

"So I was at a club the other month and I noticed a man walk up to a women and slap on her on the bum right in front of her boyfriend, I didn't know what to think or say, what would you have done?"

 

If the man replies by saying.... If some man hit my girlfriend on the bum I'd smash his fucking face in. Then you already know this man is possessive and solves issues with his fists.

 

Another good thing I always say to single men is something along the lines of....

 

"One rule I do have is please never come to my house without been invited, my brother and my uncle are both police officers and they visit every week with their families and have a habit of asking my friends strange questions and feel suspicious about people they don't know"

 

Another way of saying that would be....

 

"Hey just so you know if I don't answer your text message or email straight away it might be because I have my family visiting, both my brother and uncle are police officers and they visit every week with their families and start asking funny questions if I'm constantly texting people"

 

This allows a man to believe that you have "Police Backup" that your a police family, that one phone call form you will see your brother and uncle kicking down his door.

 

I have also fully updated our home security and got a brand new burglar alarm fitted / security lights / CCTV camera covering outside / and a panic alarm button that activates the burglar alarm, in fact my house has a "Panic Room" if my girlfriend is in alone and a man tried getting in the house she can lock / bolt herself in our bedroom and press the panic switch which sets off the entire house alarm. The door is secured by key / bolt / and hinge bolts. I have also bought her a rape alarm which she carries when she leaves the house, and a bottle of self defence spray, similar to pepper spray.

 

Over the years I have also met a few men who have shown an interest in bondage but personally I NEVER let anyone tie me or my girlfriend up, using things like ropes, handcuffs might sound kinky but could leave you unable to defend yourself if things turn bad.

 

 

OVERALL:

 

If I meet a single guy I'm "Vetting Him" from the second we meet, I'm looking at him / looking at his clothes / listening to what he says / listening to what he doesn't say or avoids / asking leading questions / looking out for danger signs / looking out for hostile answers / listening if he has a problem with women / sounds possessive / sounds controlling / what his health views are like / what his views about drink and drugs are like / listening to his hobbies / listening to his views on the law or police / watching his movements.

 

I think a lot of people go on a date and simply make "Happy Small Talk" they sometimes overlook glaring warning signs, that really your eyes should be fully open from the first date / social meeting.

 

Currently as it stands now my work in "Body Language" is part of the field manuals that train all British police officers, I find body language fascinating and help write the police field training manuals on the subject, so sure watching people from the moment I meet them comes naturally to me, learn the top 10 or top 20 sings that someone is lying and it will help you uncover dangers, it will allow you to notice when people are not been honest especially when faced with direct questions.

 

Another good question to ask single men is....

 

"Can I have the name you use on Face Book? I'm not stalking you or anything I just want to check if we have any friends in common, who know maybe you know some of my family or friends which could be weird"

 

If a man refuses to give you his Face Book name then sure maybe he doesn't use Face Book, or maybe his wife his linked to his account. That men don't always give you their real name so finding a way to check is useful.

[padoc 1,703]

You dodged a bullet with this guy. There was a "house of horrors" story a few years ago in Northeast Philly that ended badly for a couple of people…remember that one? You did the right thing notifying the club. We've gone to most of the clubs in Philly at one time or another and as a retired cop, I'd have been both horrified and angry that I had exposed my wife to that kind of potential danger. If you see him there again, raise hell, make a scene with other members around, let everyone know who and what this guy is and demand that the club kick him out. Pervs and deviants do NOT change. Maybe, he was 19 and was boinking a 16 year old girl with her consent but you have no way of knowing. Protecting yourself and potentially others is all of our responsibility.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Congratulations on

 

1) having a great night in a safe environment, and

2) discovering the creep and blowing that whistle as loud as you could.

 

Wonderful advice for single women about not going to guy's homes until you really know them . . .

[SJBluebirds 195]

Without knowing more, I'd say you've done the right thing.

 

That said -- and hear me out, in the spirit of 'believing in the power of rehabilitation' -- how long ago was the sexual assault, and how old was he? A co-worker has an 'underage/statutory rape' conviction from before the 'Romeo and Juliet'-laws, because he was an 18-year-old (legally an adult) dating his 17-year-old classmate who had exceedingly posessive parents. (Also, he's a gentleman of color, and she was white -- and I'm sure that plays into the situation). Even though this took place nearly 30 years ago, he's still considered a 'sex offender' and carries all the legal and social stigma that comes with it.

 

You say he's significantly younger than you -- and that the assault was also a while ago. I'm not justifying crime or assault by any means, but I think a carved-out exception for the situation I describe could be a possibility. Of course, if that's not the case -- then, *whew!* you dodged a bullet.

[Afro-dytee 15]

SJBluebirds, thanks. He is 32, the charges occurred when he was 18/19, and the girl was 12. There wasn't much detail given about the occurrence. And I considered the possibility of your scenarios.....16-17 y.o girlfriend, parent problems i.e YOU got OUR baby pregnant etc....but the only way to Get more insight is to ask him. And I don't know him well enough to feel any confidence in his side of the story.

[Afro-dytee 15]

SunandMoon, there were SEVERAL red flags that I "bookmarked" and that led to my investigation.

 

1. At the club, he told me that is attracted to older women....and that his attraction isn't because he has 'mommy issue's.' Because he has a great relationship with his mother. Then yesterday he went on a tirade about how bad a relationship he has with his mother.

 

2. EVERY woman from his past is/was crazy. They've attacked him, accused him of cheating, etc...I automatically see red when a man unnecessarily refers to women as bitches. And my question to him was "you need to figure out what about you attracts crazy bitches.....or do you turn normal women into crazy bitches?", I could tell by his laugh that he didn't get the severity of my question. Smh

 

3. A few other things I attributed to the age difference, but his ex was so "crazy" he deleted his FB page. This made me go "hmmmm"... so I said "In all that we've discussed, I don't take you to be so passive as to delete your social media to ease a jealous partner. Are you telling me you have no social media because your ex got mad at you for "liking" a picture"? He said "oh no..there were other reasons....but he never said what they were. (At this point I. Started recalling all pertinent info he gave me to start my investigation....because that was fishy as hell!)

[EastInWest 1,524]

Then yesterday he went on a tirade about how bad a relationship he has with his mother....

 

2. EVERY woman from his past is/was crazy. They've attacked him, accused him of cheating, etc...I automatically see red when a man unnecessarily refers to women as bitches. And my question to him was "you need to figure out what about you attracts crazy bitches.....or do you turn normal women into crazy bitches?", I could tell by his laugh that he didn't get the severity of my question. Smh

 

People have a lot of choices to make regarding how they represent conflict to others.

 

Sometimes, we have a need to vent or even the score when we're wronged, etc., and we might feel good about that, but when there's a pattern where someone is constantly embroiled in more drama than the average bear and has no self-awareness about their vast collection of complaints and grievances, experience taught me that it's usually a huge red flag that you're next, because that's how everything ends for them and it's their only coping mechanism.

 

To be honest, I'd be absolutely baffled if someone I just met started telling me about their relationship with their parents at all. This guy is using people he just met at a swingers club as an ad hoc therapy session? Is the only way he knows to connect with people through complaining and making them feel bad for him, or is that a test to measure your reaction?

 

As for the situation itself, sure, maybe this person is rehabilitated (it sounds like they still have serious issues, but let's assume), but it's not anyone's responsibility to take that risk and find out for themselves unless they wish to do so. Glad you found out and got far away. I'd be livid if we went to a club and I found out they knew something like this and continued the membership.

[Afro-dytee 15]

Side note, I haven't gotten a response from the club yet, but it's still early. I am absolutely serious about cancelling my membership if action is not taken, now that they have this info. Although I don't intend to see him again, I will keep in contact until I have confirmed that he is unwelcomed at the club, either from him or the club directly. Not sure if he would tell me, but if he starts acting squirrelly about going to the club I think it's safe to assume he received notice.

[lovefest04 700]

You have absolutely done the right thing. Thank you for being engaged and taking a stand. I, for one, applaud you!

[padoc 1,703]

I don't know how somebody rehabs a 19 year old MAN who sexually assaults a 12 year old CHILD unless the rehab is done with a scalpel or a .40 cal. There is no excuse for that behavior and there is no way to know how many children he victimized before or since and you can be absolutely certain that he'll never tell anyone the truth. Felons and sexual predators tend to lie, a lot.

[Afro-dytee 15]

You have absolutely done the right thing. Thank you for being engaged and taking a stand. I, for one, applaud you!

 

"Curtsy" thank you my love "curtsy"

[Afro-dytee 15]

I don't know how somebody rehabs a 19 year old MAN who sexually assaults a 12 year old CHILD unless the rehab is done with a scalpel or a .40 cal. There is no excuse for that behavior and there is no way to know how many children he victimized before or since and you can be absolutely certain that he'll never tell anyone the truth. Felons and sexual predators tend to lie, a lot.

 

The charges only indicate what he got "caught" for.....its sickening. Thank you guys for your support. Sometimes a vote of confidence is needed to feel 100% ok with a decision. Although....he didn't make it super hard. And you know what really sucks.. .I had PLANS for him *insert Dr. EVIL Laugh* Ughhhh back to the drawing board...lol

[Jane1902 476]

I am wondering does any club or private group actually screen potential members? I fear his kind could also easily end up at a house party.

I have met some good single guys on SLS with some screening. I insist on talking on the phone, maybe get a burner if you are concerned for further privacy. Intonations in a voice, how someone leads a conversation lends to a lot of clues if I want to meet. I meet in a public place making it clear I don't play on a first meet. You can also look them up too. It takes more time than just going to a club or party but I prefer ongoing FWB. Don't forget meet and greets too.

[padoc 1,703]

Going to a swingers club is not like buying a gun. As far as I know, no club we've ever belonged to have screened guests beyond a drivers license. There are no background checks. On the other hand, we have known our clubs to be VERY responsive to members complaints (Trapeze, Pleasure Garden, TJ's, TPA, and Saints & Sinners). They want to keep good members and weed out the ill behaved, the weirdos and those engaged in criminal activity. Still, we all have a personal responsibility to exercise caution in our interactions with unvetted people. Usually, if the couple or guy is on one of the swingers sites, they'll have validations or will present clues as to who they are in the profile.

[MadlyInLuv 94]

I hate to judge but sexual offenders usually are NOT people who can be rehabilitated. However, it does make it tougher since he was 18. 18 year old guys are dumb. I'd still stay away though, and the club needed to know.