46 year old female - lack sexual confidence and it's ruining the LS experience for me

[Lavender Lily 17]

I've always lacked sexual and personal confidence, to the point where I can't approach or evenot flirt with men. If a man doesn't flirt with me, I assume it's because he's not into me. I have no seduction game at all.. I've read books and websites about it but don't have the courage to try it because I'm afraid of rejection. It's happened so many times before that it's now kind of a default for me.

 

I wear sexy clothes, I am in reasonably good shape and HWP, but I still lack that confidence that is supposed to attract others to you. I have no idea how to even fake it. Unfortunately, in the LS, women are expected to be assertife, seductive and confident.

 

Ladies (and men who can speak from a woman's perspective)... how do I overcome this? I hate the rejection but have pretty much resigned myself to it... but I don't want it to be that way forever.

[adamgunn 1,461]

Practice. (I know, it's painful, but . . .)

 

If there is a man in your life, get him to play the part of the 'attractee.' Work up some scenarios, and role play.

 

For example, get him to 'meet you' in a bar. Dress up a sexily as you dare, then head for the bar separately. Then let him approach you and flirt with him as if you've never met him before.

 

After a few tries of this, you should start feeling a bit more confident. It won't be easy.

 

As far as rejection, it happens. To all of us. Yes, it hurts. But as one wise person said, "Fake it till you make it."

 

Good luck.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Sex is a primal urge so I have no concept of sexual confidence or lack thereof. Confidence is something I needed to develop. And I do not believe that confidence is something that is developed differently in woman that in men. Self-image is something about which woman are more likely to worry. But not confidence. Is your concern actually self-image?

 

In regard to confidence, give yourself permission to fail. We all fail. We all learn from failure. But after you achieve a few wins, you will build confidence.

 

Your Swingersboard profile says "married". Is your husband a trusted associate who accompanies you on your lifestyle outings and who can encourage you in your individual efforts? My wife does that for me.

[Lavender Lily 17]

Ok, so how do you fake it? I know that sounds like a dunce question, but honestly, if I knew how to fake it, I would be doing it already

[Lavender Lily 17]

Yes, my husband and I go to the clubs together. He is very charismatic and great with people. I'm the one who has trouble getting past general conversation. This is a problem because, at least in our area, the women are expected to be the ones to initiate everything. I lack the confidence to do this, as I am always dealing with this nagging feeling that whoever I approach won't be interested in me.

 

We have had one experience with a couple that went very poorly. After meeting them at a club and hanging out with them a few times, the wife initiated things with me and suggested that we play. I was hesitant because the husband had not expressed any interestin me at all, but she insisted that he was just shy. Well, long story short, when we finally got together he couldn't get an erection no matter what I tried, and he showed no interest in pleasing me or helping me help him... he just wanted to watch the wife with my husband, and then fuck her afterwards. I was completely left out and felt like I was 2 inches tall.

 

I would say that I lack confidence because I have poor self image, if that makes any sense.

[adamgunn 1,461]

Lily, you 'fake it' about rejection by not letting anyone (other than your SO) knows it bothers you.

[Lavender Lily 17]

Thanks. My lack of confidence stems just as much from my lack of sex appeal as my fear of rejection. If I knew how to fake sex appeal, my fear of rejection wouldn't be as strong. I don't know how to project sex appeal because I don't have it and don't know how to fake it. Sorry if this is confusing.

[Guest]

I was somewhat shy and lacked sexual self confidence as well but then my husband died and I had to begin dating again in my late 30s. I found myself having sex with more partners and that at least got me over some of my shyness. Eventually I met Mr Right, and in our mutual exploration of one another moved through topless beaches to topless dancing (place in Key West where they allow such to MFM. With that first MFM, my sexual confidence suddenly jumped and more with each one there after and with swapping and so forth.

[Lavender Lily 17]

So now I just need to find sexual partners to help overcome my shyness. . But I can't find them in the lifestyle UNTIL I overcome my shyness LOL

 

Why am I starting to get the feeling that I'm too stupid for this? LOL

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I would say that I lack confidence because I have poor self image, if that makes any sense.

 

Perfect sense, but the bigger question is why. Does your husband understand that you are lacking this self confidence? Is he part of the cause or is he helping by letting you know how great you really are? That you are willing to pursue swinging is SO HOT and awesome of you...this is something that I am always amazed and impressed about my SO, that she is willing to do this and that we have a great enough relationship to be comfortable and open enough to this (same goes to you).

 

Not knowing you better, what is holding you back? What happened that caused you to feel this way? Why is the fear of rejection so big? We are usually somewhat hesitant and afraid when we started (what if nobody else interested in us), but usually swinging improved a woman's self confidence once they see that it doesn't matter what you look like or sound like or act or anything...there is every type/shape/personality here and they all seem to be able to find people to play with.

 

One thing to maybe try is just letting everyone know at the start that you are very shy...it's not that you aren't interested, you just need some time to get more comfortable. This way they know what is going on up front (and it may get them to help you become more comfortable while you get to know each other). Rules here that can help: never move faster than the slowest person is comfortable with. Don't feel like you are being pushed into anything. Take your time, if they aren't willing to wait, then they aren't the right couple for you. Know that your husband has your back and (if he isn't already) have him check in with you to make sure you are doing okay. Most people enjoy talking (especially about themselves), let the other couple talk...how did they get started is usually a great question. This is something you and your husband should be doing together because you BOTH are enjoying it. It just doesn't sound like you are having a good time (or any fun for that matter). Maybe this isn't for you, it's not for everyone.

 

There more info needed to help you. Please share...

 

Why am I starting to get the feeling that I'm too stupid for this?

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT (even if you are just joking)! You and your husband are doing something that most wish they could do, but don't have a good or strong enough relationship to do. You are the exceptions and that you are even here shows how beautiful/kind/awesome you are. Please don't ever say anything like that again, even if it is in jest.

[Lavender Lily 17]

Perfect sense, but the bigger question is why. Does your husband understand that you are lacking this self confidence? Is he part of the cause or is he helping by letting you know how great you really are? That you are willing to pursue swinging is SO HOT and awesome of you...this is something that I am always amazed and impressed about my SO, that she is willing to do this and that we have a great enough relationship to be comfortable and open enough to this (same goes to you).

 

Thank you. My husband does know about my insecurities and does tell me that he thinks I'm attractive, but also says I am the only one who is in control of my confidence and self-perception, that all the compliments in the world won't help if I don't love myself. I understand what he means and I'm in therapy for this (as part of couples therapy). Our therapist believes that the "law of attraction" is in play and that I'm drawing negative energy to myself because of my negative self-perception.

 

Not knowing you better, what is holding you back? What happened that caused you to feel this way? Why is the fear of rejection so big?

 

I've dealt with rejection all my life, but rejection in the lifestyle would be exceptionally painful for me because it would essentially confirm what I've always suspected - that I have no sex appeal and no sexual charisma. The fact that things went so poorly with me and that last couple (but very well for my husband ) is proof that the other couple''s husband was taking one for the team. It was clear that he had no interest in me.

 

This is something you and your husband should be doing together because you BOTH are enjoying it. It just doesn't sound like you are having a good time (or any fun for that matter). Maybe this isn't for you

 

Maybe. We're fairly new to it (been doing it for three months) and, honestly, I'm really discouraged so far. I've tried striking up conversations with various couples so far and the women are always friendly and welcoming but the men ignore me entirely in most cases, or just speak to me as cordially as they would speak to my husband - no flirting at all. When I try to flirt, I get no response. This is further proof that, sexually, I'm a complete dud.

[Lavender Lily 17]

I think another fear of mine is that my husband will have sex with women who are younger, prettier and more sexually skilled and confident than me. Meanwhile, I will have a repeat of what happened last time, or get no repeat at all.

 

Everyone talks about how women have it so easy in the lifestyle, but from my perspective it''s the men who have it easy... all these beautiful confident women, encouraged to approach men, while they sit back and receive. Meanwhile, those of us (women) who are not beautiful or confident have to flounder and hope we somehow figure it out.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

He picked you...out of all the women who were (in your opinion) prettier, younger, more sexually skilled, he picked you. He's also going home with you and staying with you. Time to face facts: you aren't so bad if you were able to get a man like your husband. Accept that and you have taken the first step towards getting your sexy back. Sexy is really just a woman that is okay with who they are and is able to have fun with it. We hardly even know you but we can see that you do have it, you just need to let it show. Beauty is only skin deep, but sexy has nothing to do with beauty as it comes from deep inside and radiates outward. We know you can do it... it will be okay.

[Lavender Lily 17]

He picked you...out of all the women who were (in your opinion) prettier, younger, more sexually skilled, he picked you. He's also going home with you and staying with you. Time to face facts: you aren't so bad if you were able to get a man like your husband. Accept that and you have taken the first step towards getting your sexy back.

 

I understand that in theory, but all too often a person will be married to someone - and be happy - but it's more of a comfortable arrangement that is easy and familiar, not spicy... And then when they suddenly find that spice in someone, they don't realize how badly they need it until it's presented to them in a hot little package. That is something that I greatly fear - that someone else will be that package for him while I'm still scrambling around trying to figure out how to do it. I've read a lot of books on sexuality,, taken classes in erotic massage, yadda yadda yadda... But still I struggle to actually FEEL desirable and sexy.

 

Sexy is really just a woman that is okay with who they are and is able to have fun with it.

i

 

This is BEAUTIFUL. I've never heard of it put this way before. This really does give me something to think about. Thank you.

[Wornsilver 219]

Take it to heart, because what all the posters have said is good advice. The comment, "Sexy is really just a woman that is okay with who they are and is able to have fun with it." is absolutely true, but I know it is difficult to accept and to internalize.

 

My fervent hope is that my wife, 64 yo, with quite a few extra pounds, feels as beautiful as I think of her when my average dick gives her a fantastic orgasm. Neither of us know where the erotic connection comes from, but we know it is exquisite. She can give that to others, and it has nothing to do with his physical attributes.

 

You have the same magical ability. You can also spoil it. Let's say you were given a vacation on the beach in the Mediterranean. With a guy that you find attractive. You could go with that energy flow, or you could complain about the cleanliness of the accommodations. Choice is yours. But I don't "accommodate" those who are negative and find fault, nor do most people. You have the choice to acknowledge the positive.

 

Good luck

[luvin eye full 140]

Hi

 

I don't think you will find the answer here - Don;t get me wrong we will all tell you you have more "worth " then you think you do -

 

What your doing is for filling your own prophecy - you go to the club believing your unattractive and so you put that vibe out there and guys hardly do any thing with you.

 

Then when you do get one - well lets just say he did not help lol.

 

So here"s what i would get my wife to do if it were her in your shoes.

 

I would stop swinging ( for now ) you don't need the stress of failing ( in your mind anyway )

I would be looking for couples bonding programs/ stays - things where you and your mate get back to basics

 

after that / or at the same time - i would be looking at retraining your thinking about you.

You need to understand that you are worth the effort and not just some thing to be rejected by others ( yes some will but we all get that )

Once on this path i think you need to then start exploring things that make you feel empowered ( and what that is only can say )

 

Honestly this is a long term thing - but you may want to start some type of swing while you do this but for now i would not take you to clubs if you were my wife - focus on smaller groups were you can get more comfortable with the people you meet. maybe soft swaps ( up to you )

 

So of course i'm just thinking out load with all this and i do hope you find some peace with it all. Good lick.

[Manwhore1985 15]

That bad encounter sounds like a cuck/hotwife type possibly... And you had bad luck to have them as your first. Or could also be the guy feels awkward and too distracted while his wife is having sex with someone else to get it up. It's quite common, and it happened to me the first time we swapped. I never got up. And when we had a virgin swing couple later, it happened to him. Just like your concerns he might like someone else better, guys have the same concerns. Depending on the emotional security of those involved... I've met some couples that usually only do separate rooms bc she can't handle seeing him so enthusiastic about strange, or he can't handle her enjoying someone else that much.

 

I also wonder if your hubby gives off strong possessive vibes when you are chatting. Guys pick up on that, and they could be being just cordial because he gives off that vibe he doesn't really want to share you, and is just allowing to be fair.

 

 

Or... You have what they jokingly call "resting bitch face" which means smile more to break it when someone makes eye contact. This makes you seem more approachable. This advice also applies if you are so shy and unconfident you never make eye contact... And if you are a floor stare type. Make eye contact. Check them out blatantly... Look at them like you would when they aren't looking at you without hiding it.

 

Or you are coming off more interested in what your husband is doing than your partner... Huge turn off.