Swinging is hard, and not for the obvious reasons

[MadlyInLuv 94]

So as you all know my wife and I had a great time (and first experience) at Hedo in March. When we got back we were excited and knew our boundaries and were ready to further explore.

 

Then....

 

1. Several people we were chatting with on kik through SwingLifeStyle ghosted on us.

2. One couple ghosted, then came back and had dinner with us, and then ghosted again.

3. Wife's job got thrown into turmoil. This knocked her completely out of the mood to even have much sex, much less look at swinging. I'm totally not judging here because I get it -- she was highly stressed and even when we had sex I know she was making time for me out of consideration.

4. Life took over. Vanilla life. Events, hobbies, a really nasty cold that took me for a two week ride, etc.

 

So now we are back to square one and having to try to make contacts again on SLS 3 months after we stepped off the plane from Hedo. lol Because of our boundaries we already have to kind of be selective as it is -- it's tough to find people that are ok with just soft swap. I think some of our being ghosted comes from people realizing you don't want to full and disappearing. That's cool... but it makes it challenging.

 

There was one couple who we loved in terms of personality, but in conversations they talked about her meeting with multiple single guys over a period of months. Sometimes without much vetting and on the first date...just seeing her and he stopped in before hopping a flight. We are NOT judging! If you like this that's 1000% cool...but my wife is not comfortable with that being a bit cautious of diseases, etc.

 

Anyway... just voicing that the struggle is real if you are more than a little selective, or if your vanilla life blows up in some unexpected way. There is also the matter of all 4 being into each other. That's tough too. We are trying to climb back into the seat now. I'll keep you posted. :p

[njbm 2,877]

Swinging is very hard. In the 4-5 years we’ve been doing it, we’ve hit all the potholes that you have: unreliable people on websites, tough to get a four way match, life gets in the way. Forge ahead and have fun. PS: we usually do much better on vacation than at home.

[MadlyInLuv 94]

Swinging is very hard. In the 4-5 years we’ve been doing it, we’ve hit all the potholes that you have: unreliable people on websites, tough to get a four way match, life gets in the way. Forge ahead and have fun. PS: we usually do much better on vacation than at home.

 

Yep. I think people are less distracted on vacation. I think that's why it's imperative that we go back to Hedo next year.

 

I'm not upset and urgently and desperately wanting to have another experience. It's not that at all. If anything I'm always cautious what I get us into. I have a huge amount of fun just with her alone. I was just pondering these issues while staring at my SLS screen earlier today and decided to post.

[Guest]

Well they say in this lifestyle that "Patience is a Virtue"

 

That in all fairness waiting 4 or 5 months to find a suitable partner is nothing, some people wait 4 or 5 years, some people wait 10 years, that meeting a safe and suitable play partner can take some serious time and in between searching for that person you can rack up a lot of wasted attempts / meet or even chat with a lot of people who simply don't match what your looking for / get messaged around or as you say "Ghosted" by various people, and sure everyday vanilla life always gets in the way, in fact the entire process can be a very difficult, long, and stressful road to walk, but learning to be patient will help.

 

In many cases I have found people who are fairly new to swinging, people who have not been swinging long generally have a lot of rules / fears / worries / boundaries, that actually many of them are looking for a "Very Specific" type of person. That in some cases they imagine that this lifestyle will bring them a clean, safe, friendly, respectful person who is interested in some deep friendship filled with understanding and adventure, that they will meet this wonderful person who has time for them, who wants to know them, who will have some sort of loyalty towards them, someone who is willing to work within all their rules, someone who is willing to chat about things for hours, that they imagine meeting this great person who fits all of their desires, this person who ticks all of their boxes.

 

But sadly in the vast majority of cases that just doesn't happen, that its like searching for a very tiny needle in a haystack the size of this planet, secondly however and perhaps more to the point a lot of people into this lifestyle are not actually that interested in "Friendship" that they are not exactly that interested in some huge, deep, honest, loyal, meaningful connection, that they are not that interested in the other persons desires, rules, worries, or even their lives in general. That sure a lot of people will write things like "Fun & Friendship Wanted" but in many cases the friendship part is simply lip service.

 

Perhaps the best and most simple sentence that explains this situation, the best sentence a new swinging couple should hear is simply.....

 

"You need to drastically limit your expectations where friendship and finding the perfect person is concerned"

 

That like stated above I find that a lot of new people who start exploring this lifestyle has a very long list of desires, they have a very defined idea about the person or people they would like to meet, that the person must tick 10 different boxes, the person must be clean, honest, handsome, interested in chatting, interested in friendship, they must be free to meet you, they must be single, they must be tall or maybe short, they must be slim or maybe bigger, they must be a certain age range, they must live within a suitable distance, they must be interested in similar things, it would help if they had similar hobbies, similar beliefs regarding drugs and alcohol, it would help of they had similar religious or political beliefs, they must have a dress sense that you find suitable, ect, ect, ect.

 

That many new couples get caught up in the idea of a "Perfect Match" they create a very set idea about who they would like to meet, but sadly the world doesn't work like that, sadly the more boxes that a person needs to tick the harder it becomes to meet anyone. That if your expecting to meet a person who fits a 100 different areas on your checklist then you could spend an entire lifetime searching for that person and never meet anyone that comes even close. That often new couples are looking for a 100% match, where really your lucky if you meet someone who matches 50% of your desires and checklists.

 

Perhaps another good thing for new swingers to understand is that in a lot of cases friendship in this lifestyle really doesn't work out that well. However I will very strongly say that in SOME CASES you can meet wonderful new friends, that in SOME CASES you can meet friends that would last a lifetime, BUT that in the vast majority of cases friendship doesn't work out that well in this lifestyle, that in many cases a new couple will be looking for fun & friendship, that they are expecting an exciting and fun sexual friendship, where really the person they meet is really just looking for sex.

 

Where friendship is concerned I'd say that.....

 

Men: That single guys generally don't give a flying fuck about friendship, that deep down the vast majority of guys are not interested in swinging to make friends, they are interested in swinging because they want to stick their dicks into new people. You only have to look at men's profiles and you soon figure out that its all about sex / all about them / all about their penis. The very clear goal for most guys is not friendship, not building some exciting magical connection, not chatting for hours and getting to know each other, in fact the base goal for most guys is simply making their dicks feel good, getting to off load their dicks into a new sexy women or even man, that really they are here to fuck not make friends.

 

Couples: Whilst it is true that some couples do want to build a fun and long lasting friendship, whilst some couples are wonderful open minded people, its also fair to say that 90% of couples still fall down drastically where friendship is concerned. That actually most couples already have friends, most couples have very busy lives, most couples have houses to clean / bills to pay / jobs to attend / hobbies to take away their time / that actually a lot of couples already have a very busy life and cannot really offer some massive friendship or connection.

 

I mean sure a lot of couples do write in their profiles that they are looking for "Fun & Friendship" but in many cases it turns out that the friendship part is simply lip service, simply a warm fuzzy afterglow that makes them feel a little better about fucking strangers. I also think with a lot of couples the friendship situation becomes a little worrying, I mean please imagine that a couple (man and wife) decide to have sex with someone, and sure they do enjoy the sexual experience but does that actually mean you want this person sat on your sofa as a friend.

 

Say for example your own wife slept with a single man, that she had sex with a single man and really enjoyed herself, his cock was large and clean, he was polite, he was good in bed, he made her cum, the sex part was all really exciting. NOW do you want that man sitting on your sofa 2 or 3 days a week been "Friends" with your wife? Do you want this other man sending messages to your wife everyday as friends? Do you want to walk in after a 10 hours shift at work to find your wife has spent the entire day sending flirty naughty messages to her new friend?

 

That for a lot of couples the idea of some fun sex sounds good but in reality they also want to keep this other person at arms length. If your wife slept with a single man then would you want this man and your wife to become best new friends? If the husband sleeps with a women is that mans wife going to want her husband to become best buddies with this new women? In many cases a couple might agree to have sex with you but will also keep you at a safe discreet distance, that they will push away offers of deep connections and big new friendships in an attempt to protect their own relationships and everyday lives.

 

Putting it blunt its dam hard to find a couple that you can properly connect with on a sexual level, finding a couple who also want some deep meaningful new friendship as well is even more difficult. I also find where swinging / group sex is concerned a lot of couples are run by the man. That in many cases its the man who wishes to explore group sex, its the man who sets up swingers profiles, its the man who answers messages, the man who is pushing this agenda, and that like discussed above most guys desires are to have sex and the friendship part is often just lip service, that a lot of guys out their convince their wives to try this subject based on the hope of finding fun, exciting, new friendships, where really its more about sex than anything else.

 

Women: In my personal experience I have found that single women CAN offer you vast amounts of friendship, that in my experience a women is far better at mixing both sex and friendship together. Generally with a MAN you are either friends or you sexual partners, that MEN have direct and to the point style of thinking, that men almost have tunnel vision, that to a man most people are either JUST A FRIEND, or they are a sexual partner.

 

Women on the flip side seem to be much better a processing sex and friendship at the same time and sure if you meet a nice single women then depending on the circumstances that women can offer you massive / huge amounts of friendship and personal connection. That sure a women might agree to have sex with you both, but a lot of women will also be just as happy to meet you for drinks / meet you for a meal / have cinema nights / watch films / attend events / have days out shopping with you / that in a lot of cases a women will be happy to come and visit you without sex even playing a role in the evening, that women are a lot better at offering a couple friendship and sex at the same time.

 

However the problem with women in this lifestyle is firstly they are not easy to meet and are in very high demand, that if a single women does join a swingers sites she will get messaged by every single man and half the couples within a 200 miles radius, I have seen single women's profiles receive over 5'000 messages in a single weekend. Secondly however I have personally found that keeping a MFF friendship with a women alive does require a vast amount of work and effort on your behalf.

 

I mean lets say you meet a MAN and as a couple you have sex with that man, then for whatever reason you do not call or message him for a few weeks, then a few weeks later you message that man back and ask if he wants sex again? What is that man going to say? Most of the time he will say "YEAH I WANT SEX AGAIN" where with a single women the first time you do not message her for a week is the week she becomes offended / gets board with your friendship / feels used / decided to meet someone else / simply meets a new boyfriend of her own / meets a different couple who stay in touch with her more, who put in more effort to keep the friendship alive, that a lot of women do not really want to be the once a month booty call.

 

In past friendships with women I have had to message them everyday / invite them round 2,3,4,5 times a week / constantly make them welcome / constantly stay in contact / and then the first time we don't message them for a week is the week where they become upset and end the friendship. That in some cases (not all cases) but in some cases keeping a active sexual friendship going with a women is hard work, that in many cases if your not messaging them everyday some other guy or couple will be, if your not seeing them enough some other guy or couple will be.

 

In some respects it can be very difficult because sure if I had my way then I'd come home from work everyday and spend my evening snuggled up between two women, but actually my girlfriend doesn't want another women in our bed 7 days a week. That a lot of men's wives or girlfriends do not want another women their all the time, so on one hand to keep a single women fully interested in a sexual friendship you have to contact her / message her / invite her round enough / offer her enough sex and friendship on a constant basis, where on the flip side you have a wife or girlfriend who doesn't actually want to spend 7 days a week laid in bed with another women that your fucking, so it can become a juggling act as you try and keep this new women interested, but also keep her at arms length enough so your own wife doesn't become upset .

 

 

OVERALL:

 

In my experience I find a lot of new couples looking to explore swinging are really looking for a "Sexual Friendship" they are looking for someone who is really interested in getting to know them, who is interested in their desires / rules / thoughts / personality, they are looking for someone to connect with, when really behind the scenes a lot of the people out there are just looking for sex, that a lot of people don't actually have the time for some big connection or friendship.

 

I'd say at the start a lot of couples kind of believe that friendship means safety.

 

Well if they chat to us loads and are willing to share hours worth of messages that means they are interested in us as friends meaning we would be safer.

 

Well if they are willing to listen to all our rules, thoughts, worries, desires, questions, that means we would be safer.

 

Well if they tick all of our boxes, if they match all of our needs then that means we would be safer.

 

That a couple wants to be safe so they expect more, they expect long chats / they expect some kind of bigger connection / they expect a long list of things, when in reality they are faced by a lot of people who simply want to fuck which can be very worrying for some couples, that basically you can be to selective, to picky, that limiting your expectation is often helpful.

 

Regarding soft swap, well in my experience you can simply meet a couple and explain you would like to take it slow at first, try soft swap for a while and it will soon progress into more, I have lost count how many times I have met people who say they want to take things slow and then on the first night were all having sex.

 

I guess my overall advice would be to limit your expectations, become a little less picky, and meet more people for social meetings.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Yes, you're going through a rough patch. Sucks, I know.

 

But, you're not 'back to square one.' You now have experiences and memories you can fall back on. That's valuable.

 

The best of luck to you.

[mammothBBC 16]

Swinging as a single guy is easy for me and way easier than dating. If it is hard for you, you are probably doing it wrong. Super picky and soft swap only? I'd ghost on you too or really never even connect as a single or couple.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

This is a hobby for us...sometimes life gets in the way and we don't have the time or motivation to pursue a hobby, and THAT'S OKAY. Sometimes you have to start over, sometimes a couple seems perfect but you later find out they aren't, sometimes not everyone 'clicks', sometimes other couples have problems that take them away for awhile...or forever. Just keep moving forward since it is only a hobby. My SO is the most important thing in my life and my first goal is to make sure she is happy. You can always come back, just do what you need to do to make sure that your home life is where it needs to be. This is a hobby and is never going to be more important than she is to me.

[pleasuredeviant 24]

We are a newer couple as well, can't afford hedo, but do well in our area using the sites. Etc. We jumped in head first. Full swap, all the way, and fell flat on our faces first time. Got back up and went to a club, wife got molested/grabbed by a couple single males, shit thought we were done...didn't give up. Went to another club, played with ourselves, and got an ovation from an audience at the end.... went to another club, met an experienced couple, and finally landed our first full swap. This all happened over 3 weeks. We had a lot of fun for the next 4 months, some good. Some learning experiences. We could not get enough.... then Vanilla life happened. I won custody of my kid, we took a break and really learned about patience, reconnecting and what it means to be a hobby for most couples. It is a balance, with ebs and flows depending on life. We are back in the swing of things now and learning our balance. Just part of the process.

[MadlyInLuv 94]

Swinging as a single guy is easy for me and way easier than dating. If it is hard for you, you are probably doing it wrong. Super picky and soft swap only? I'd ghost on you too or really never even connect as a single or couple.

 

Heh.

 

I'm not sure why I'm even typing a response to this, but here it goes: Swinging is more than just full swap.