Swinging as therapy for wife's jealousy issues

[pete c 34]

I have been married over 27 years to a great woman. Our sex life is better today than it ever was. There really is just one issue. From time to time, she gets into a depression over the fact that I actually had the nerve to have had a sex life prior to meeting her.

 

She realizes it is an irrational feeling, especially since she did the same, to a far greater extent than I. She actually lived with someone for a while and had an on again/off again relationship with him for 4 years which never completely ended until we met. All I had was one sort of long tern (year and a half) long distance relationship while I was in the Navy prior to meeting her.

 

She is quite the prude, but does have a very good sexual appetite, which has gotten better the last 6 months or so. She went from being the typical wife that you had to beg for sex to the point where I told her she was sucking my dick so much, it was in danger of losing its novelty. She even asked if we could watch porn together. We did. More than once. She's embarassed to say she enjoyed it, but I am sure she did.

 

I would like to maybe give the lifestyle a try, but am scared to death to even ask her. My thought is that maybe such an experience might get her past the jealousy issue. Kind of like other problems that people might have being best treated by staring the demon right in the face and taking it on.

[Erik13 157]

Just my opinion, but if she has jealousy issues even bringing it up could be a recipe for disaster.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Take care. Swing is not therapy. If there are problems in a relationship, swing will amplify them. I'm curious to know. For what reason did you use the word "prude" to describe your wife. The rest of what you say about her does not suggest prudishness.

[pete c 34]

She's a prude more in her words than in her deeds. She's actually gotten to be a bit of a freak in bed.

[Jane1902 476]

I don't think it would be fair to the people you try swinging with. Watch all kinds of fun porn with her and talk about it, role play. Enjoy each other more and then who knows where it will lead.

[couplers 4,718]

... From time to time, she gets into a depression over the fact that I actually had the nerve to have had a sex life prior to meeting her.

 

 

She realizes it is an irrational feeling, especially since she did the same, to a far greater extent than I..

 

 

My thought is that maybe such an experience might get her past the jealousy issue. Kind of like other problems that people might have being best treated by staring the demon right in the face and taking it on.

 

 

I am in respectful disagreement with what most most here on the 'Board say about your proposal. My personal experience is that I was very jealous of the thought that my boyfriend (who later became my husband) would have sex with another woman despite he allowing me to continue having sex with my ex-fiance (to this day) and others. Eventually, I did indeed "stare the demon in the face" and arranged for one of my girlfriends who thought hubby attractive to have sex with him. It continued for a while and was as I've described elsewhere like the burn one feels after a hard run, or getting off a scary roller coaster and wanting to ride again. I became hooked on the very thing I dreaded. It got amped up even more as I found women who would let me watch, then participate. It also brought out my Lesbian side, which I now enjoy as much as hetero sex.

 

 

As for how to start - the bit about her sex life before you is the gentle path to take. Ask her about her youth in a nonsexual way, pleasant memories of where she went, who she was with, what she did. Some of them will be past lovers and sex partners. Let her talk, do not judge or press her, and eventually after months or years she will open up to you about who she had sex with, what they did, what she enjoyed. Make it a cause for celebration and an opportunity to open up sex between you - what you do together, her fantasies. From there it is a short step to talking about her desires for real people, atheletes, movie stars; then people you know, friends, neighbors. Let it start the way my husband did, letting her do what she wants first. Make her happy, then possibly she will share as well. Good luck on your journey.

[Guest]

Personally I think you would be walking on very dangerous grounds.

 

I am sure some people will have different opinions, but in my personal experience swinging with, or even talking about swinging with someone who is strongly jealous can have very dangerous results and often backfire straight into your face causing you and your relationship a lot of damage. That in many cases swinging with someone who has a jealous streak will not suddenly make them less jealous, in most cases it simply gives them something else to fear, something else to lash out against, something else to worry about, and if your not careful another reason to hate and mistrust you.

 

Looking back into my own life its fair to say that I have dated 2 or 3 different women who could have easily been described as jealous people, and sure I decided to speak about the idea of swinging with those people, and honestly it has NEVER GONE WELL FOR ME!!!! I have never achieved what I was hoping for but instead just caused my own life a massive amount of stress and upset seeing me ridiculed and attacked, that really all I have achieved is adding more fuel to their jealous fire that is raging inside, seeing me badly burnt in the process.

 

In my experience speaking to a strongly jealous person about swinging is similar to waving a red flag at an angry bull, they often become deeply offended / angry / worried / scared / confused / stressed / and will often attack you and the entire idea of swinging. Like stated in my own past I have dated 2 or 3 jealous women and just by mentioning the swinging subject my entire life was opened up to a barrage of hate, fear, mistrust, and various nasty snipes, accusations, and all out attacks.

 

On speaking about the swinging subject I simply got an array of nasty questions thrown at me, such as.....

 

- You want to fuck other people, are you a fucking pervert?

- You want to fuck other people, why am I not fucking good enough for you?

- You want to fuck other people, that means your a dirty lying cheater then?

- You want to fuck other people, more like you just want to run away and find someone else?

- You want to fuck other people, I bet if I told your family about this they would agree is disgusting and wrong?

- You want to fuck other people, that means you don't actually love me at all, your just a liar?

- You want to fuck other people, and just put our entire lives at risk?

- You want to fuck other people, I bet your already fucking that slag at your workplace?

- You want to fuck other people, your just childish and pathetic really aren't you?

- You want to fuck other people, your just a greedy sexually obsessed bastard then?

- You want to fuck other people, why because you see me as a dirty whore and sex object, is that all I am to you?

 

The list goes on.......

 

 

Now please understand these nasty jibes, these nasty accusation and hurtful questions DON'T just last a day, they last weeks, months, years, and in a lot of cases they last FOREVER.

 

That sure when you mention the idea of swinging the jealous person might be extremely angry with you for one week. Then several months later when you argue or have a disagreement they will again attack you with the exact same stuff, that they will remember this incident for the rest of your lives together and will constantly use it as a tool to hurt and degrade you, that 20 years later they will still be bringing up the time that YOU the pervert asked to sleep with other people, how YOU the cheater wants to fuck other people, how YOU the greedy sexual freak doesn't find them enough as a partner and wants other people.

 

In many cases if you speak about swinging with a jealous person your still paying for that months and even years later, that in my experience all I achieved my speaking to jealous people about swinging was giving them something to hate and fear, and putting a weapon they could use to attack me straight into their hands.

 

Please take my warning because in my mid teens I met a jealous type of girl who was insecure about sex, and I also imagined swinging would bring her out of her shell, that swinging would increase her sexual confidence, that swinging would somehow bring us closer together on a sexual level. I decided to speak with her about swinging and now over 20 years later I'm still paying for that mistake now. That over the last 20 years we have bumped into each other or talked briefly on line maybe 4 or 5 times, and each time she still holds it against me, still classes me as a sexual pervert, now as it stands shes uses me to warn any man she dates that she will NEVER be interested in swinging.

 

That to the men she dates I am the "Monsters From Her Past" I am the monster who dared to ask her about a filthy, awful, pathetic idea of swinging. Over the last 20 years she must have dated 10 or 15 different men and each one of them is told about ME. Each one of them is told some one sided sob story about how her teenage romance ended up been with a filthy sex obsessed swinger, and how I got off on the idea of other guys fucking her, and wanted us to sleep with other women.

 

I have bumped into several of her ex boyfriends and each of them say the same thing, they already know my name and then continue to basically say "Hey yeah your the guy who wanted my ex to sleep with you another men, she proper hates you" and honestly this is 20 years later and I'm still paying for it now.

 

 

I find a lot of MEN kind of glorify swinging in their own minds, that a lot of men will convince themselves of things, such as.....

 

 

- If my wife would agree to swing then suddenly she would not be jealous anymore.

- If my wife agreed to swing then suddenly she would be a lot more interested in sex.

- If my wife agreed to swing then it would repair our relationship.

- If my wife agreed to swing then it would stop us arguing as much.

- If my wife agreed to swing then then it would fix our lonely social life.

- If my wife agreed to swing then she would become a lot more confident about sex.

 

 

Men often imagine a world where their wife saying "Yes" to swinging would suddenly heal or take away all of their problems, they just need to convince her to do this and everything will suddenly be okay. When in reality it doesn't work like that, often all your doing is adding fuel to the fire, that swinging doesn't fix problems it often just makes them worse.

 

Many men would ask the question, how can I convince my wife to try swinging?

 

The better question would probably be....

 

How can I help to stop my wife's jealous streak?

How can I help my wife become more confident with sex?

 

Generally the answer to those questions ins't swinging, generally its couples therapy.

 

That really you need to focus on the ROOT of the problem, that obviously deep down in her roots your wife has some issues surrounding jealousy / trust issues / perhaps certain fears regarding sex. If you can heal that damage, if you can focus on repairing her fears, if you make her roots stronger again then swinging would perhaps be the fruit on the tree that grows much later.

 

I guess a lot of guys see swinging like a fruit tree, they want to pick different bits of fruit, they want to gather themselves a handful of fruit to enjoy, they want to try small bits of fruit, large bits of fruit, they want to enjoying eating their fruit, whilst all along they are not focusing on the tree that grows them that fruit. They are focused on the end results, they are focused on the reward, not the long journey that tree must take to grow those rewards.

 

 

 

OVERALL:

 

 

If your going to speak with your wife about the idea of swinging then I'd be prepared to take things very slowly indeed, in fact I'd not even mention the word swinging at all.

 

Firstly you could seek some couples therapy, speak with a sexual therapist about her jealousy issues, about your own issues, about how for many years she has been prudish towards sex, but remember such therapy is not just about her but also about you, about your mistakes, your issues. Your not going into therapy to get your wife into swinging, your going into therapy to try and heal her jealous emotions, to help heal any fears or worries she has about your relationship or sex in general.

 

If you have tried that then sure perhaps you can slowly start introducing the idea to your wife, watch porn together, namely watch threesome porn together, start using sex toys together as the toy represents another person / another thing been in bed with you. Speak with her about naughty sexual things such as using toys / tying up / blindfolding / sexual role play games. Speak with her about people she desires sexually, what film stars she fancies, what type of people she fancies.

 

Then in time slowly bring up the subject of swinging, don't jump in and ask her to try swinging, instead watch a threesome porn film together and half way trough say "I think trying that would be fun"

 

I also find it helps if the threesome porn films you watch are varied, for example don't just pick a porn film filled with super sexy young thin models, instead pick threesome films that contain older people / bigger people / bold people / help show your wife that you do not have to be a 21 year old porn star to have a threesome. You don't have to be a size 6 super model to explore group sex. In general I'd say pick some films that match your wife better, or that are worse than your own wife, for example....

 

If your wife if 40 years old, pick a few threesome films where the women is 50 years old.

If your wife weighs 12 stone, pick a few films where the women weighs 15 stone.

If your wife hates the idea of anal sex, then pick threesome films that don't have anal sex in them.

 

I find a lot of guys think that watching porn films with your wife means going out there and picking the most hardcore dirty threesome films they can find, they put on a film that contains a 21 year old girl, they put on a film where the women does everything, she does anal sex, she swallows cum, she licks the guys bums, she lets the guys cum in her hair and eyes, she licks up the men's cum off the floor, she takes two men up her bum at the same time.

 

Then a lot of guys end up with a 40 year old wife sitting at home thinking "GOD I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY OF THAT"

 

If your wife is worried about her body then why pick a porn film that has a 21 year old super thin model type of women in.

 

If you wife hates the idea of anal sex, then why pick a film where 2 men spend an hour having anal sex with some cute young women.

 

If your wife doesn't like women with blonde hair, why pick a porn film that has women with blonde hair.

 

 

Instead try and pick porn films that show people like your wife / people worse than your wife / people fatter than your wife / people older than your wife all can enjoy swinging. Show her that swinging is not just for 21 year old sex models, but married women swing, older women swing, women who are less attractive than her swing.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Swinging will magnify any problems a relationship has. If you have a great relationship, it can make it just that much better, but if there are any flaws or cracks, it will make them bigger. Swinging almost never will fix a relationship that has problems. We would not recommend this as a solution.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

My thought is that maybe such an experience might get her past the jealousy issue. Kind of like other problems that people might have being best treated by staring the demon right in the face and taking it on.

 

I understand what you are saying about tackling your fears head on. Sometimes that is the best approach, but I don't think it is in this case. Swinging is a powerful thing, like fire, and if harnessed and used properly and respected for both the danger and benefits that it inherently carries, then it can be great. But, like fire, the bad side can be really really bad. Sticking with the fire analogy, trying swinging when they are known jealousy issues, that's kind of like striking matches while you are pumping your gas into your car. Odds are nothing will happen, but, there is a very real possibility it might and if it does it's going to be bad.

 

Try to work together on the jealousy and swinging will still be there if and when it seems like a good time for that.

[Numex 2,459]

I understand what you are saying about tackling your fears head on. Sometimes that is the best approach, but I don't think it is in this case.

The person with the trepidations has to be the one who wants to stare the demon down - you can't be forced to do so, it will backfire.

[pete c 34]

Thanks everyone for all the very thoughtful suggestions. For now, I'm going to just take it slow. I think the swinger porn idea is a good one. Get her to watch some with me, see how she reacts to it and maybe at some point ask her if she thought it might be fun. If she immediately shuts it down, drop it and move on.

 

6 months ago, I would have bet a million dollars that she'd never watch porn, even if I asked her to, a few months later, she asked me.

 

The odd part is the horniness and the bout of jealousy came along at roughly the same time.

 

If anyone out there has a manual explaining how women work, could I borrow it!!!

[pleasuredeviant 24]

I would recommend a sex therapist/consultant, to help guide you through the conversation and open up. One of the best parts of swinging is breaking down all the walls of communication and fears. Complete honesty appreciation and awareness of yours and your partners fantasies, whether you are willing to enable them or not. It is getting over the fears together and building your trust with one another. Even with zero play, just having the conversations and seeing out trust build through the conversations has been amazing.

If you really want to break that wall down, a marriage counselor will not do it, but a sex therapist might help you along.

 

What an earlier reply stated, jumping into this will amplify everything, and any flaws will crack quickly. A good foundation is best place to start. Ask her about her fantasies, probe her with questions. Has she ever fantasized about being with another woman, a man, or getting gangbanged... my wife never told me these things until we explored the conversation together. I learned she is a very cock hungry slut, and am happy to help her realize those fantasies. She learned I am a milf chasing, redhead loving man whore, and she trys to pick them up when we are out. Even if we never tried any of this, the building of our trust has been the best part.

 

Swinging does not fix anything, it will only amplify any issues. If swinging is a fantasy for you, your goal is to build your trust with her to share that and trust she will hear you. Even if she is not interested in exploring it, and be willing to hear hers as well.

 

If you take the porn route... play an episode of playboy tv swing from pornhub. Tell her this is interesting and you are curious to what she thinks. Do NOT expect a positive response. Give it a week, tell her it kinda turned you on and ask if she'd watch another episode with you. Go from there... best of luck!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

The person with the trepidations has to be the one who wants to stare the demon down - you can't be forced to do so, it will backfire.

 

Totally agree. My comment was intended to mean for yourself sometimes that is the best approach.

[pete c 34]

So, last night we're laying in bed watch TV. The wife is looking at one of the TLC reality trainwreck show FB pages she follows. I tell her, ya know, it's been a while sinc ewe looked at porn. Whataya say?

 

She gives her usual answer, which is always a "wellllll, if you really want to..." she never says no, but is reluctant to make it look like she actually wants to. It's her personality. As I said earlier, the topic kind of embarrasses her, so she's a prude on the outside, but inside, it's a different story.

 

I go to porn hub and say, lets watch the old folks and type "mature" into search, knowing that "mature swinger" will likely pop up.

 

It does. So I click on it.

 

First video- german swinger party where they are just a little bit too mature for our tastes. After a few minutes of watching a couple finger each other, I decide that is enough of that. On to the next one. American, somewhere in the south judging by the accents in an RV. Much closer to our age. This is more like it.

 

One of the guys was packing a pretty good sword. My wife watched and commented about how can people do that and screw others right in front of their spouse. I pointed out that it was better to do that than fuck around behind their back. She said, "I could never do that. I'm way too jealous" To which I said yeah, I guess you're right. She then looks at me....

 

"Would you do it?"

 

Ahhhh, geeee, I dunno. I think I'd be too embarrassed, I muttered. I knew it would be the wrong thing to say HELL YEAH!!!!! But, I didn't exactly say no.

 

So we watched for a while. She is a little tough to figure out. What she says, is generally negative, but she keeps watching. And then we had a much better than average love making session. I got out my "stunt dick" extension, which gets my average at best cock up to what I would characterize as entry level porn star, 7 inches, maybe a bit more and nice and thick. While I was railing her with it I asked if she liked it. She did. I then asked if she had had a real one like that before, to which she said "I don't know. Do you think I remember".

 

My answer to that would be, yeah, you'd remember, but it is just a topic she has enough trouble just acknowledging, never mind discussing in detail.

 

So, I just dropped the subject and enjoyed the rest of the ride. She is not typically multi-orgasmic, but I counted 3 for sure, coulda been 5 or 6.

 

So, from this I take away that yes, she is turned on by the thought of sex with another. It's just a matter of getting her to relax and come out of her prude shell.

 

Will it ever happen?

 

Maybe, maybe not. If she does, we'll see where it leads. If not, I guess I'll have to be content enjoying her all by myself for the rest of our lives. A win/win situation, in my book.

[couplers 4,718]

... She said, "I could never do that. I'm way too jealous" To which I said yeah, I guess you're right. She then looks at me....

 

"Would you do it?"

 

There was your missed opportunity. You should have said that you don't need anyone else and wouldn't do it, BUT that you're not jealous and think it would be fine if she played with someone else. That's the way we got into fully swinging - first my husband (boyfriend at the time) let me have sex with my ex, then we did threesomes with him, then after about two years I set him up to screw a woman of MY choice. It has to be all about her and she has to be in control.

[pete c 34]

Wow, sounds like you really have a strong relationship with your husband.

 

While I am excited at the thought of seeing my wife with another man, I’m not sure I could go for her seeing an ex.

 

In the case if her ex, it’s quite apparent that he was the one who called it off. And he was quite fit and as she admitted once, with hesitation, “bigger”.

 

Maybe I would be up for such a thing eventually, as I am 100% confident in our devotion to each other, but I think the best way to wade into the LS pool would be with a stranger, preferably far away. We’re going to Cancun in September. Maybe I’ll see if I can work something there where she’s likely to be less inhibited.

[couplers 4,718]

While I am excited at the thought of seeing my wife with another man, I’m not sure I could go for her seeing an ex.

 

My husband is the least jealous person I know.

 

I'm not suggesting there's anything special or good about having an ex for a lover, it's just for fantasizing purposes it's a place to start. (Although for me it worked that way because I never stopped having sex with my ex-fiancé all the while dating, screwing and marrying David.)

[pete c 34]

My husband is the least jealous person I know.

 

I'm not suggesting there's anything special or good about having an ex for a lover, it's just for fantasizing purposes it's a place to start. (Although for me it worked that way because I never stopped having sex with my ex-fiancé all the while dating, screwing and marrying David.)

 

Might I ask why you never married the ex fiance? Seems like a very odd situation. Anyway, I am glad that you all make it work.

 

My wife has asked me a number of times why I am not more jealous. It seems to actually bother her at times.

[Guest]

Swinging can be a lot of different things but if you aren’t a couple, don’t even think about it if your marriage is not strong. There needs to be very open communications and thus, no jealousy what so ever, and perfect agreement on where and how your trip should begin.

[pete c 34]

Swinging can be a lot of different things but if you aren’t a couple, don’t even think about it if your marriage is not strong. There needs to be very open communications and thus, no jealousy what so ever, and perfect agreement on where and how your trip should begin.

 

10 years ago, I think our marriage was good, but not bulletproof. The last year or so, we have talked much more about our past and told each other how happy we are that we met and that our only regret was that we hadn't met earlier.

 

My wife's jealousy thing does pop up from time to time, but she admits that it is completely irrational and she wishes she was better at putting it back in its box.

 

I will continue to move slowly towards warming her to the thought of some level of swinging. I am patient. There is no hurry. Eventually I think I'll get to the point of flat out telling her I'd love to see her with someone else and throw in that me doing likewise is totally up to her. I won't lie. Having sex with another woman would be fun, but I would prefer seeing her do it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

When I was younger, I was always crazy jealous. One of the things I have learned is that communication and trust is the enemy of jealousy. Work on those two and the jealousy will fade away...

[CandDinCo 69]

 

She is quite the prude, but does have a very good sexual appetite, which has gotten better the last 6 months or so. She went from being the typical wife that you had to beg for sex to the point where I told her she was sucking my dick so much, it was in danger of losing its novelty. She even asked if we could watch porn together.

 

 

Before saying anything more than anyone else has I have to ask. What caused this change in her?

[pete c 34]

Before saying anything more than anyone else has I have to ask. What caused this change in her?

 

That’s the 64k dollar question.

 

Menopause maybe? She is 55.

 

About 5 years ago I introduced toys to the. Edroom which spiced things up some, but it was around last Xmas that things really heated up. It was also around that tune that the jealousy thing hit as well.

 

If I had to make a guess I would say it is a hormonal thing that comes along with menopause. It could be her feeling that I didn’t desire her as much and being hyper sexual was her way of “keeping my interest”.

 

Of course, my interest never did stray, but that can be a hard thing to convince her of. She has always had a self esteem problem.

[CandDinCo 69]

You should just ask her straight out what caused it. Then any future sexual adventures should be explored with the goal of keeping that renewed interest of HERS going. It will require plenty of communication from both of you. Whether swinging comes into the picture will depend on where HER fantasies take the two of you. But even if swinging never comes up I predict you in for a fun ride

[pleasuredeviant 24]

You should just ask her straight out what caused it. Then any future sexual adventures should be explored with the goal of keeping that renewed interest of HERS going. It will require plenty of communication from both of you. Whether swinging comes into the picture will depend on where HER fantasies take the two of you. But even if swinging never comes up I predict you in for a fun ride

 

I can second this. I brought it up, asked her to watch an episode of playboy swing with me. She shut it down completely, and I felt guilty for bringing it up. The next day she said she felt bad for not being open to discussing, and then shared that she had some fantasies too. I then had to realize that she has a gangbamg fantasy.... we started light, went for a full swap, found it... now I am planning gangbangs.

 

I never imagined that bringing this up would turn us into swingers, but, bringing it up did break down all of our walls and everything became a whole lot easier to talk about. Now I flirt with waitresses, she points out hot guys, we actually communicate everything. All the time.

 

In fact. That alone was worth the step, even if we never tried anything. We share everything, always.

[pete c 34]

This morning we were laying in bed doing some heavy petting when the mrs says “you still got that crazy idea in your head about swapping partners? No way that’s happening”. Then she told me she loved me and jumped my bones.

 

I look at this as a good sign. The topic had been addressed but she’s shown no signs of anger which is a relief. She also bought a book about “retroactive jealousy” which is what she suffers from.

 

I did some reading on the topic and most everything I read referenced it being a male problem.

 

I would like to hear folks experience with this and how the LS affected it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

"Hey, it's just a fantasy..."

 

Just keep her talking.

[adamgunn 1,461]

You said, "I did some reading on the topic and most everything I read referenced it being a male problem. "

 

And why do you think it's a "problem"?

[pete c 34]

You said, "I did some reading on the topic and most everything I read referenced it being a male problem. "

 

And why do you think it's a "problem"?

 

Jealousy is a problem when it is severe enough to depression, arguments etc....

 

I am talking way beyond garden variety jealousy that we all encounter from time to time.

[couplers 4,718]

Might I ask why you never married the ex fiance?

 

This is Petra, retelling the story of the beginnings of my polyamorous, nonmonogamous life.

 

My ex-fiance, Red, was my first serious boyfriend and the first person that I had sex with. He is a great guy, we were in love, and we were living together, but after getting engaged I started having second thoughts about whether he would fit into the plans I had for life. What it came down to was that I was a math/science person heading down the path of corporate success and money. Red is a creative type, a hard worker but his prospects for what one would see as traditional success weren't there. My vision for myself was financial stability, not necessarily wealth, but not worrying about assignments and what they pay and the uncertainty of where the mortgage payment and our next meal would come from. It wasn't even primarily about me, I don't need a lot of stuff, but I wanted children and this wasn't the best situation for that. Despite having broken away from my parents' ideals on a lot of things: premarital sex, religion, etc., I still ultimately saw myself staying home while the children were little, and this wasn't going to cut it.

 

 

So after some long, hard thought, I called off the wedding and moved out. But I still loved Red, he is a really great man and we kept seeing each other and still having sex. Then I met David and he asked me out, and I figured that since I was no longer committed to Red, why not? David was more my ideal - a clean-cut, well-built engineering guy who was never married had already bought his own house. We continued dating and I told him about having ended my engagement with Red and moving out, but not the on-going relationship. Still, I kept going back to Red for both psychological and sexual comfort. David and I started having sex as well; that's when I found that I could satisfy more than one man and that I enjoyed it. Then during a date with David, the moment came when he said (he didn't ask, he said), "You're still seeing Red. I said, "Yes." "And you're still sleeping with him." "Yes." (I am not a good liar and I know it.) David said, "It's alright, I just want you to know I'm OK with it." Even in the few moments that I previously had to prepare a response to what I thought was coming (like, "It's over." or "End it with him or it's over between us."), I didn't even think about this as a possible response. I said something dumb like, "Thanks," David assured me that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and the conversation went elsewhere. David and I went back to my apartment afterwards and had sex, which was some of the most intense of my life - we were being dirty and both knew it. (Having been raised Catholic, sex will always be naughty for me.) I had made it a point to abstain from sex with Red at least 12 hours before I thought that I might be screwing David, but not the other way around. After David left (it was a weekday and David was disciplined about getting enough sleep for going to the gym in the morning then work), I called Red to come over and the intense sexual fantasy-to-reality continued.

 

 

With Red I had been honest all along about dating and having sex with David. If Red didn't like it, well, we had already broken up, so it was just going to sputter out anyway. Well nothing was sputtering out, and I kept what seemed to me to be a fulltime relationship with both of them. And surprisingly, both of them were content with the situation. David said that he should meet Red, and made me comfortable enough to do it. It was for me the most awkward thing ever, but the guys, despite being so different, got along fine.

 

 

Time to fast forward: David and I moved in together; one time when Red visited and was being flirty, David told Red and I to go ahead while he just watched; another time later, David followed immediately after Red; David proposed marriage to me (with no demands for me to be monogamous) and I accepted; we went from watching to doing MFM; David and I married. Those are the early years. The rest after that can be found in my posts elsewhere here, but it ended up that David, Red and I have formed a poly family with two other women, and together we have five children among us by the two guys. By the way, Red has turned out to be more succesful as a creative than anyone expected, and I went back to work six weeks after my children (one with David, one with Red) were born. Clair is the stay-at-home mom for all our children, which makes it doable. (The other four of us each turn over 1/5th of our earnings to her to be fair.)

 

My wife has asked me a number of times why I am not more jealous. It seems to actually bother her at times.

Being jealous is not an indication of love, it is an indication of wanting to control someone.

[pete c 34]

Wow!!!

 

I figured i’d get a sentence or two reply, or quite possibly a “none of your f’n business” which would have been completely understandable.

 

Sounds like you’ve all made a good life for yourselves. You are fortunate to have found a group of people that are mature enough to make something like that work. Congrats.

[couplers 4,718]

I figured i’d get a sentence or two reply,

Sorry that I prattled on, but once I got started...

 

I figured i’d get ... quite possibly a “none of your f’n business” which would have been completely understandable.

I would never say that. I came to the Swingersboard over ten years ago looking to see if anyone else was in a situation similar to mine (being openly romantically and sexually involved with two men). Members were all patient, helpful, and shared even the most personal details. So now I try to do my bit. I expected to find on the Swingersboard men who undeceptively had multiple women sex partners (isn't that the cliché?), but not so many women with multiple lovers. Turns out that many women have multiple partners even when married, some are romantic, but surprising to me, many were just for the sex. Swingersboard reassured me as my guys, then I, opened up to playing with other women and couples.

 

I find it is important to understand the complications of all this. Sex is personal, it is romantic and it is for making beautiful babies. But as I've found in my development, sex can also be a social activity, it can be as intense with other women as with men; and as I have come to realize, it can be simple fun without anything further. Since before puberty, I have had intense sex with myself by myself, creating fantasies, feeling good inside. In lonely hotel rooms far from home, I still find my sexual fulfillment by myself, just two fingers moving inside and a thumb above, ideas in my head. Fulfillment while at home in bed deep kissing her pussy to make one of my women orgasm while one of my guys is behind me working us to orgasms. Fulfillment in having group sex as social bonding with the few outsiders we share such intimacies with.

 

Sex is also my drug. In the morning it makes me enthusiastic for the day; at night it prepares me for sleep. In the middle of the day, sex renews a day going badly. But I control the drug, it doesn't control me; it waits for me to summon it whenever I want. Or because of the wonderful relationships that I am in, I can give in to the desires of one of my partners whenever there is a hand on my breast or down my pants, or a tug to the bedroom. Sex may not have been on my mind at that moment but my arousal is immediate and the acts satisfying.

 

Sounds like you’ve all made a good life for yourselves. You are fortunate to have found a group of people that are mature enough to make something like that work.

Indeed, we are a mature bunch. But everyone ultimately has their own self interest at heart, and I dare say that each of us is getting more out of our arrangement than we could find any other way. We have multiple people who love us so as to take care of all of our children. The older ones have asked who their mother and father (biological parents) are. We told them and with their curiosity settled, they just moved on. Who better to rely upon to take care of those with whom I am intimate should anything happen to me than those who also are intimate with them? There is also the self-interest of having the sexual variety of multiple partners, and the financial benefit of the economies of scale.

 

Another characteristic of our poly family arrangement is that everyone stays humble and grounded. If two of us fight, the combatants will stomp off into the arms of other family members, who inevitably will both console them and talk sense into them. Being told that you may not be 100% in the right, along with seeing your adversary seeking and being given affection by another family member tends to make arguments short-lived.

[pete c 34]

That really is a fascinating arrangement. The thoughts of having multiple mothers and fathers certainly does have its advantages. The most difficult part would seem to be how the children deal with it. I guess they are OK with it, as it is what they know, but dealing with their friends from normal (for lack of a better word) families. How old are your children?

[couplers 4,718]

That really is a fascinating arrangement. The thoughts of having multiple mothers and fathers certainly does have its advantages. The most difficult part would seem to be how the children deal with it. I guess they are OK with it, as it is what they know, but dealing with their friends from normal (for lack of a better word) families. How old are your children?

 

It does work well the way we achieve efficiencies and divide the work. The first two children by Clair and me are six. They are well adjusted by all accounts and identify us by our first names as well as addressing us directly as "mom" or "dad," not distingishing their biological parents (we adults don't either). Their friends don't care at all. Their school has one gay couple and at least two Lesbian couples, as well as several sets of grandparents and plenty of single parents who are raising children. The second tranche, as David like to call them, one by each of us Lora, Clair and me, are two years old.

[pete c 34]

I'm not sure "determined to pursue it" is the right description. I am curious about it and turned on by the thought, but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. If it does happen, it will be 100% because she chose to pursue it. I'm not going to beg or pester her. Just talk about it and take it very slowly.

[CandDinCo 69]

Finally catching up with this thread. Going to try to respond to a couple things.

 

First, coming to this site to research was a good idea. However, at some point you are going to have to have to tell her. Until she sees this site for herself she won't believe you when you tell her why you came here. She will think you are going behind her back.

 

Second. Regarding her asking you why you are not more jealous. I worked for years in the psych field. I saw several situations where someone would commit "para-suicide". They would make a weak attempt at suicide with the goal of having someone rescue them or stop them. The reason for this is to verify that the rescuer cares about them. The same thing can happen with arguments. "If you don't fight with me about this it means you don't care". The silent treatment will cause the other person to go into a rage.

 

Having said all of that, this explains her questioning your lack of Jealousy. She feels that if you are not jealous, then you don't love her. Even if she doesn't explain. It that way.