First poly experience failed miserably

[CassieNineTales 26]

Back in November, my husband and I decided to welcome a friend of mine into our relationship (poly) after talking about it for over a year. I was under the impression we had zero issues in our marriage. If I had the slightest feeling that we did, I never would have welcomed her in. Anyway, fast forward to now. He asked me for a divorce because he "only loves me as a friend" and they are together.

 

I'm working through those issues and I'm getting some closure. My question for you guys is, I still like the idea of a poly relationship, but I would like to be the addition into the relationship because I know what it is like to be hurt in these situations now and I know I wouldn't do that. Is this a good idea? (Maybe not right now, but eventually.)

[cplnuswing 4,712]

Truly sorry that happened to you.

 

The phrase once bitten twice shy comes to mind...that's how I personally would feel about it anyways. But I'm not you, so what's right for me may not be for you. If I had a strong interest in that, which it sounds like you do, I'm not saying I would never come around to trying again albeit from a different direction this time, but I think it would take me a while to ever get there. I think the "being in a hurry" mistake is an easy one to make in any relationship, both traditional and nontraditional. So, my advice would be to give it some time and see where takes you, and if you do feel a pull that direction, then I think baby steps would be best.

[Guest]

I'd not say that finding a poly relationship is impossible, but that it could take a lot of time and finding the right partner.

 

The first thing that jumps out at me is that your original post said that you "Invited a Friend" for a poly relationship.

 

Well I am just speaking from personal experience but often inviting a "Friend" into play situations doesn't work out that well at all, in fact inviting a "Friend" into such situations can be fairly dangerous and something I'd always avoid. There are many reasons why inviting a real life friend into play situations can be dangerous, not only can it ruin the friendship, not only can they tell other friends your private business, but perhaps more to the point in this case friends seem to take liberties, friends seem to think your rules or boundaries as a couple don't really apply to them.

 

Years ago when I first started out in this lifestyle I thought playing with a friend would be a good idea so we tried playing with several friends, both of them very quickly broke our rules and requests, both of them hurt our lives, that putting it blunt our friends simply didn't think our rules or requests applied to them so they tuck liberties and damaged my relaitonship and life in the process. Instead I'd suggest meeting a new person / meeting a stranger who does not know your life / doesn't know where you work / doesn't know your other friends or family members / and build a new friendship with that person.

 

I'm not saying that is ideal, I'm just saying a new person / new friend will probably respect your rules a little bit more than someone you already know.

 

Regarding the "Poly" situation, well yes that is a rather exciting option but in my experience is extremely hard to make work and firstly would ask yourself what you really want?

 

It sometimes feels there is a little confusion surrounding the term poly, that sometimes people use the term poly when really what they want is just a threesome that involves a close friendship.

 

I mean if you look at the options:

 

General Threesome: Sexual meets with very little friendship offered in between.

 

Friendship Threesome: Sexual meets with friendship mixed in.

 

Poly: Basically a 3 or 4 way shared relaitonship where your all classed as boyfriend / girlfriend, where your adding another person to your relationship which often means your husband can have sex with this other women alone / date this other women alone / see this other women alone, that basically your husband/boyfriend has two women in his life properly.

 

 

I mean is it a poly situation you want or just a threesome with a good friendship.

 

I think there is a big psychological jump between a threesome with a close friendship, to your partner calling someone else their girlfriend as well. With a friendly threesome your husband is basically classing that person as a "Fuck Buddy" where in poly your basically telling your husband he is allowed to have feelings for this new women, is allowed to fall in love with this new women, is allowed to see this new women on his own terms, when he likes, how he likes, which perhaps tips things over into the danger zone.

 

I don't know maybe what your hoping to achieve could be found by meeting a new friend to be a close fuck buddy rather than letting your partner run wild with this new person.

 

 

I'd also say that maybe if you do want to try poly again maybe you could meet a safer play partner, meet a safe option.

 

I have explained this concept to my own girlfriend, but speaking from a mans point of view then YES there are some women out there that a man would LOVE TO DATE. But there are also plenty of women out there that a man might not actually want to date, but would fuck.

 

If a man looks at a women and says "She is gorgeous / she is really sexy / she is very attractive / she is hot / I'd love to fuck her / she is my type / I bet she is amazing in bed / I bet her pussy is really nice / she has a great personality / I fancy her / her hair is beautiful" Then basically that man is saying he would date that women.

 

If a man looks at a women and says "She is okay I guess / she is not really my type / she could be better / but sure I guess if it was just sexual then I'd fuck her" Then you kind of know this man isn't going to be in a rush to run away with this women and fall in love, she is a safe option, someone the man would fuck, but not really class as relationship or true love material.

 

I mean if your husband loves girls with blonde hair, that he always dates or speaks about girls with blonde hair, that if he watches porn he always watches girls with blonde hair, the sure pick a play or poly partner who has brown hair or red hair instead.

 

If your husband has a serious thing for skinny / slim women, then pick a poly partner with a few extra pounds, pick a women he wouldn't usually date but one he would fuck as friends.

 

If your husband is really attracted to women who have amazing clear skin, then pick a poly partner who has freckles.

 

If your husbands doesn't really like tattoos on a women, then pick a poly friend who has a few tattoos.

 

I guess this doesn't work in all situations but sometimes picking a women who has children is a good option, picking a single mother to be a play partner can work because a lot of guys don't really want to fall in love with a women and suddenly become an adopted father to several children who are not theirs.

 

Basically pick a partner who your husband would FUCK but that he wouldn't want to date or run away with.

 

That if your husband was a single man then he wouldn't chose to date this women, he might fuck her, but would not want a big relaitonship with her. Don't pick his ideal women, don't pick someone he would date if he was single, instead pick a half way option, someone he would fuck for fun but not fall in love with or run away with, pick a safe option.

 

For example my girlfriend knows that I like slim / skinny women with pale skin, she knows I like women who have long straight hair. In which case if my girlfriend found a female play partner who had a few extra pounds and curly ginger hair then sure that girl can suck my cock, that girl can open her legs, that girl can let me fuck her, but NO she is not the type of girl I'd fall in love with or want to run away with. Sure I could fuck her everyday but wouldn't want to run away with her, she would be a safe option.

 

 

Finally I'd say poly is not something to be rushed into, that you would be much better meeting a new man / getting yourself a new partner and focusing on your new relationship with that man first. Figure out if this new man is a liar / cheater / player / violent / addicted to anything before you go jumping into any poly situation. Figure your new partner out way before offering any poly like situation.

[Ckeroticfun3 20]

Great reply to the original post.

 

There are two if not more types of poly people. Some have that internal “self” strain that shows in these situations. The “self” the person fits the above reply. Then the other Selfless type person fits your feelings. The feelings that would not tread on breaking up a couple. I get it and know what you are feeling.

 

The challenge of being the selfless type is that part of the couple you share may be a “self” type and fall in singular love with you resulting in emotional alienation of their original partner. The mess begins!

 

Be careful and hope for the needle in the hay stack. We exist!