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Erik13

Wife getting uncomfortable with where things are going with me and female playmate

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My wife and I have been in the swinging lifestyle about a year and a half now and it's been great. We have a friend we've know about a year and after a little encouragement from me and the wife she agreed to play with me. She's not comfortable playing with my wife home yet, so we always plan it when she's out. I think it may be going too far, though. We've gone out to dinner twice, alone, which my wife has told me no more. We talk almost everyday, hike and do stuff like that. I'm afraid this is becoming more than the FWB situation we agreed on.

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If YOU have that suspicion about yourself, then who should argue with you?

If you have that suspicion about the lady in question, that is for you and your wife to sort out before you involve the lady in the discussion.

 

My advice, from what you say, is to trust your gut.

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I can understand your friend being uncomfortable fucking in front of your wife the first couple of times, but she should get over it. And why can't your wife join you for dinner and hiking?

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I’m afraid this is becoming more than the FWB situation we agreed on.

 

I strongly suggest you take the very next exit, ‘cuz I believe you are currently heading for ten miles of really bad road.

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Being alone with a sex partner from time-to-time for sex or otherwise is fun and fine, but all the time? Why?

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May I presume this woman has no partner of her own?

 

I suspect not, as there has been no mention of it.

 

It’s pretty obvious that this woman at best, wants a poly arrangement and at worst, wants to replace your wife.

 

You should shut this down yesterday.

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Fast forward to now... I ended it with the girl yesterday. We ended up getting strong feelings for each other, which I was in denial about, but my wife saw it for months. She would come over when my wife was out and we would spend 6-7 hours together watching movies, etc. I had myself and my wife convinced we were just "friends".

I should have listened to everyone warning me about it.

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This is probably a very painful lesson for you. It could have been very, very expensive. I'd suggest you put swinging activities on hiatus for a while and fix your marriage. Trust is a lot easier to maintain than it is to rebuild and you have a lot of work to do.

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The couple that plays together stays together. Couples that play separately have my admiration, but they are playing with fire.

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Fast forward to now... I ended it with the girl yesterday. We ended up getting strong feelings for each other...
My wife and I have developed feelings for sex play partners, her "strong" feelings even. We believe it's a good thing actually to care about the people that you're fucking, and it's never diminished the love we have for one another. Besides, those feelings fade after a while.

 

 

Couples that play separately have my admiration, but they are playing with fire.
Fire can be useful, as can be playing alone. It's easier for two people to get together than three or four, and part of the variety.
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This is probably a very painful lesson for you. It could have been very, very expensive. I'd suggest you put swinging activities on hiatus for a while and fix your marriage. Trust is a lot easier to maintain than it is to rebuild and you have a lot of work to do.

 

Thank you. Funny thing is my wife isn't even mad about it. She's relieved everything is out in the open. Biggest lesson I learned from this...swinging is a team sport. Be very careful when playing separately.

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You need to take your wife on 1. a spectacular vacation or 2. a shopping spree in NY or Chicago.
You and your wife should have taken the girl on a vacation or shopping spree together. Hubby and I did that early on and it led to me becoming bi and our current poly family. Playing alone is fine, but playing together can also be great.
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You and your wife should have taken the girl on a vacation or shopping spree together. Hubby and I did that early on and it led to me becoming bi and our current poly family. Playing alone is fine, but playing together can also be great.

 

We played alone because my wife found the girl very unattractive and didn't want to be in the house.:lol:

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It sounds to me like you've got an amazing wife and an incredibly strong marriage. You did the right thing by ending it and by doing that you may very well have strengthened the trust and respect you and your wife have for and in each other. Lesson learned and with that in mind give your wife the attention and admiration she deserves. I suspect it won't take long for the two of you to regroup and find a better fit.

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So my wife has agreed to give me another try with the girl with some new rules. No more daily phone calls, no more texting good night cutie/stuff like that. If we have a playdate she has to leave in a reasonable amount of time, and no more making out at the vanilla bar we go to.

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We ended up getting strong feelings for each other, which I was in denial about, but my wife saw it for months.

 

Sounds like you are in denial again and there's no telling how the other woman feels. This is a bad idea. Move on and find someone else. It doesn't sound like either of you are 'playing' anymore and this path is a dead end.

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Sounds like you are in denial again and there's no telling how the other woman feels. This is a bad idea. Move on and find someone else. It doesn't sound like either of you are 'playing' anymore and this path is a dead end.

 

DITTO:redflag:

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I know I should be running in the other direction. This is all new to my wife and I. I'm absolutely positive I don't love this girl, and could never be with her even if I was single, but we have this intense connection. One of us will think something and the other will say it right after...strange stuff like that. She mentioned the term twin flames.

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You are clearly going to do what you want to do. If you are coming here for our blessing or some sort of validation...... Sorry

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I am a single woman and I don’t think it sounds like a good idea. When I date men in open relationships my rules include he initiate a request to see me. I don’t want to hear “let me ask my wife” and I feel I am not interrupting their marriage. They are also not allowed to come to me when they have a problem with their spouse. I have no desire for them as a life partner. Twin flames sounds very intense.

Can I ask what led to your wife allowing another chance? Does your wife have other playmates? Does this other woman have other partners? I imagine her desire for you is very flattering, but please don’t get so caught up you forget to give your wife and your marriage the attention they deserve.

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I'm absolutely positive I don't love this girl, and could never be with her even if I was single, but we have this intense connection.

 

...but are you sure she doesn't love you? You both seemed to have been doing things that are very 'loving' to and with each other. It has already caused a problem and made your wife feel uncomfortable, but you don't seem to (for lack of a better word) care about that. Ask yourself this question...What is more important: your wife or continuing this relationship? We have a hard rule that if one of us says no to anything, the answer from both of us is no. She has said no and even though she is 'saying' yes now, is she just saying that to make you happy? Is she just saying this because you have been moping or nagging about her saying no? There are lots of other playmates, but not lots of other wives (especially wives that are interested in swinging). Pick one, but trying to keep both may very well end up with you having neither...

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I am a single woman and I don’t think it sounds like a good idea. When I date men in open relationships my rules include he initiate a request to see me. I don’t want to hear “let me ask my wife” and I feel I am not interrupting their marriage. They are also not allowed to come to me when they have a problem with their spouse. I have no desire for them as a life partner. Twin flames sounds very intense.

Can I ask what led to your wife allowing another chance? Does your wife have other playmates? Does this other woman have other partners? I imagine her desire for you is very flattering, but please don’t get so caught up you forget to give your wife and your marriage the attention they deserve.

 

She gave us another chance because she is also friends with this girl...I should have said that we knew her for a while before the playing started. She comes to vanilla gatherings at our house and we see her every weekend at the bar. My wife has playmates...more than me lol. And no...I am the first guy this girl had sex with in about 2 years and she lives with her parents. I would end it in a second if it jeopardized my marriage at all.

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On top of everything else, one shouldn't play with friends. What do you think would happen if she decides to tell everyone about what you are doing in the bedroom? We wish you the best...

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So this situation is still going on, but everybody, most importantly my wife, is happy. She's no longer uncomfortable with it.

The girl and I have a playdate every couple weeks, and she leaves shorty after. If we going hiking, it's purely as friends. We haven't kissed in months, other than at playdates.

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So in a strange turn of events...she dumped me after our last playdate! :lol: Met a guy at work and thinks it will go somewhere. I wish her the best...strange thing is she still wants to text me daily and go for hikes, even if things work out with the guy. :confused:

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Rationalizations are more important than sex. Just try going a week without a rationalization.

 

That and you cannot fix 'stupid'. Buddy, why are you fucking a girl who your wife thinks is unattractive ? It will evolve into contempt for you, eventually.

 

On a related note:

 

Back in college I knew this couple, completely monogamous. Then they were going to get serious and he had been her only sexual partner. He suggested she consider at least one other experience. He was being very mature and realistic about life. Well, by accident he met the guy she was considering. He viewed him as a distasteful loser. He explained to her,"If this is the type of guy you want, it's over. I'll line you up if needed, but if you fuck this guy I'll never get out of my mind how you lowered your standards, or that you even have any. Again, another sexual partner is something you should try, but not this loser.

 

He lined her up, she had a great time, and they eventually got married and live a lovely , monogamous vanilla life.

Because I find her attractive? She has played with guys I didn't think were that great looking, and I didn't tell her no.

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It's going to go somewhere alright. I cannot wait until he here's this: "Hey Honey, there's this married guy I text and go on hikes with, it's okay because we stopped fucking." Yeah, everything is going to be fine.
It probably will be fine. He can trust her with him (if monogamy is what he's worried about) because she's already fucked him, got him out of her system, and that's in the past.

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She doesn't plan on telling the new guy we fucked. And I also forgot to mention she was crying in front of my wife at the bar the other night about the whole thing.

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Honestly sounds like a lot of drama to me. Maybe a time out from each other, no communication, is in order.

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She doesn't plan on telling the new guy we fucked. .
My wife and I decided from early in our relationship that we wanted to tell (and hear from) the other everything about our lives, including our sexual experiences and partners. It made us happy knowing what works for the other and started us on the path to the lifestyle. And if I encounter one of my wife's ex-lovers, I prefer knowing.
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I'm still having sex with this girl, and haven't been with anyone else sexually other than my wife and her for almost two years.

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      When I got home, Sue asked how my conversation with John went.  I told her that he was attracted to her and he enjoyed the sex with her.  I asked Sue if she would be upset if I told her that he was the one I was going to pick for her to start fucking on a regular basis and she said if that is what she needed to do to regain trust that she could do it as she also felt they were compatible in bed, and she also liked the conversation the three of us had and felt we all could be friends. 
       
      But Sue didn't know what would be happening next.  I told Sue that John and I discussed how "moving forward" would look like and that we both were in agreement.  I then gave Sue John's phone number and told her he was expecting her call.  That from now on the two of them would communicate with each other but Sue, unlike with the previous John, needed to tell me every time she and John would be getting together. Again, Sue understood and said she promised to be totally honest with me about anything to do with John and she was willing to do whatever I wanted her to do, given what had previously happened. 
       
      I then looked at Sue and told her to call John, and I wanted her to be "forward" with him on the phone and that she first needed to ask him if he felt comfortable after meeting the two of us (I already knew how he was going to answer).  I then instructed Sue to specifically say on the phone that she was "also very comfortable both in conversation, as well as being in bed with him."  Sue then stated, at my request, "I'm interested in seeing you on a regular basis if you are.  And if you can commit to not dating any women on the side, I'll commit to having sex with you, pretty much whenever you want.  And, one more thing, if you are ok with it, I'd rather you no longer wear a condom." 
       
      And that started what turned out to be about a 15 year relationship where we are all still friends today. About two months after they started seeing each other, John called me and asked about the possibility of Sue working for him part time.  He was thinking about her going to his house two days a week, just half days.  One day would be to work on calling back customers who call to set up an appointment with him, and another half day to take care of sending out the bills, and making bill payments to suppliers, etc. 
       
      I had an idea pop into my head because I was still of the mindset of "punishing" Sue for cheating on me earlier.  John really liked my idea and now I was going to tell Sue.  When I told Sue what John had asked and what he and I decided she initially thought it was asking too much...but I reminded her about how hurtful her cheating had been and that I really needed her to do this. 
       
      Sue was a teacher and was about to have almost three full months off.  I told her that John would be paying her to work part time out of his house for two days a week.  She needed to be at his house around 7:30 in the morning to review his schedule so she could set up appointments for him to meet with people calling asking for a quote of construction work, and then on the second day she would handle all the billing that needed to be either paid, or invoiced. 
       
      She looked at me perplexed as if to say, "Ok, what's the big deal?" I then told her that EVERY day she went to his house to work that she was not allowed to wear a bra, and had to wear a top that was revealing either because of sheerness or being low cut. 
       
      After her saying, "Are your serious?", I responded, "You are damn right I'm serious, and frankly it's all because you were fucking the other John without telling me.  Now I'll know for the next three months what you'll be doing, and the plan is that you and John will be fucking each other each day, and sometimes 2X a day (when you first get there, and when he comes home for lunch). 
       
      She said, "Ok, I get it, but I hope this is coming to the end of it."  I then had her call John and had her say the following to him, "I hear  you have a job opening for me, can you confirm the dress code and expectations that I just heard from my husband."  She listened to his response and said "When do you want me to start?.  And for the next three months she arrived at John's house, always with a sweater on in case she got stopped by a police officer or if something weird happened on her way "to work." And the first thing she did when she got in the house was take her sweater off. 
       
      The very first time she was to go to work she came downstairs and took her sweater off and said, "Does this meet  your approval?"  She was obviously braless, wearing a thin, low cut tank top with low arm holes exposing plenty of side boob, and you could make out the color of her nipples through the top.  I told Sue I couldn't have picked out better work attire and then she went to work. 
       
      During the three months doing this I had to go on a business trip for a few days so I called John and told him to call Sue and ask her out to dinner and make plans to spend some time at his house.  I also told John I wanted "photo proof of him fucking her so I know she went."  This was also going to be a test to see if Sue would be honest about telling me what she was going to do. 
       
      About 30 minutes after talking with John, Sue called me.  She told me that John had asked her out to dinner and wanted to make sure I was ok with that?  She said it felt like she was going "on a date" rather than just being a friend with benefits.  I told her it felt the same way to me, and considering that she pretty much "went on dates" with the previous John without my knowledge, that she now needed to realize that she was about to start dating John WITH my knowledge.  She asked how much longer she needed to go through with this and I told her I hadn't even started to think about that yet because I had been hurt so much. 
       
      So Sue and John had their first "date" while I was away on business.  John sent me an email that included an attachment.  He laughingly wrote: "As you requested, my first date with your wife happened.  I also told her that you asked me to inform her that you wanted her to agree to start "dating me" rather than just me fucking her.  And she agreed to it, so once she's back teaching and can't come over during the summer anymore, she is going to start seeing me for longer periods of time rather than coming over for an hour to fuck each other, we'll grab dinner or take a drive somewhere."
       
      John also told me to watch the attachment as he sent "more than a photo".  I opened the attachment and saw two things: a photo of my wife's face with his cock in her mouth, pressing her cheek from the inside so I could see his cock bump pushing out her cheek. And he also sent me a video that lasted a few minutes of him fucking her.  He told me not to worry, that he'd delete both the photo and video, but I told him I wanted him to keep it so he'd always be able to look back on how they looked fucking each other. 
       
      And that relationship lasted around 15 years.  After fucking John about 10 times Sue told me that she noticed something different and wanted to be honest with me.  I asked her what she was talking about.  She said it felt like John was "fucking" her at times like he was paying for it but other times it was more emotional, it was starting to feel like he was "making love" to her. I told her I guess that would be normal after seeing someone consistently that you liked.  I told her I was ok with that. 
       
      She then said she was starting to feel like she was making love to him at times, that it was emotional for her as well feeling like she was giving her body to someone she cared about as a friend.  She wasn't having any feelings of being in love with him, but she was getting some emotional connection where she wanted to give herself to him when they saw each other.  It turned me on. The frequency of sex got less over the last couple of years but he and I estimated, that not counting the three months she worked for him and they fucked anywhere from 2-4 times a week, that he had fucked her somewhere between 50-100 times. 
       
      And to this day, years later, the thought that she's been fucked so much by the same guy is a turn-on.  We all still remain friends today.  I thought that would be the end of our openess in our marriage but there would be two other men that would enter our lives, both of which got substantial time with my hotwife.  And she wanted it. 
       
      If you'd like to read about it, let me know and I'll write it up.
    • By dccc4fun
      So we are new to swinging for the most part. We've had some experiences in private with other males and females.
       
      We are very interested in going to a swingers club but also nervous at the same time. My husband is worried about boundaries being respected and possibly pushy men. We are a secure couple so that's not the issue, we just don't want to deal with that type of behavior.
       
      Is this a problem we might run into?
    • By Interestme82
      Hi out there. I’m married and in an evolving relationship. Last year I did a burlesque photo shoot for him as a gift. He loved the way it turned out but asked if I’d be willing to do something more risqué in the future. I got a reference from the original photographer (female) and told my husband the new photographer would be a male. Being the protective husband he is we both requested a meeting over a cup of coffee. We met which was great and made things all the more comfortable. I loved what I saw from his book and my husband did as well. 
       
      We had the shoot and the pictures came out great. He got really turned on by knowing another guy was doing the pictures. I was shocked. I asked him if he’d consider doing a couples shoot with me and he said he’d try but was reluctant. Pretty soon after he agreed and we were off again.
       
      Prior to the shoot my husband and the photographer talked about his career. My husband, who’s faithful, shocked me a bit with his envy and open talk about what the photographer experienced. I’m extremely open and joined in the conversation. Both of us felt like we were conversing with someone we really liked and knew a lot longer than we actually did. Unfortunately my husband had difficulties getting hard which is completely out of the ordinary. The photographer said it happened a lot and just to relax. 
       
      Surprisingly at my husband's request he asked for me to do a POV shoot the photographer showed us in his book. Basically it’s the photographer including himself in various ways while taking the pictures. As we started taking the pictures I liked being touched by the photographer even though it wasn’t active foreplay or sex. It really was strictly for the pictures themselves. During the pictures my husband quickly got hard and watched. Eventually the photographer asked him if he was going to get involved. The rest of the shoot went as we planned. Afterwards we all sat around and talked and went through the pictures.
       
      Some time passed again and we talked a lot about the fun we had with it. My husband admitted he liked watching the photographer touch me and if not for that he may have been to nervous to get hard. 

      I really want this to develop further but I’m apprehensive because it’s a major change in life obviously. I’m also not sure about how I feel about seeing him with someone else. When I say I’m not sure I mean most likely not. I don’t even really think he wants to. I almost feel like if I bring that up it will be too much too fast. Multiple times when having sex we’ve dirty talked about me doing another shoot and giving myself up. I’d feel more comfortable to actually do it than talk about it. 
       
      I feel like my husband has opened a door that I want to walk into. Am I reading it wrong? Is it best for me to just set something else up and let it work itself the way it will? Based on our interactions I have no doubt the photographer would be into it also. Would I be going to far given our relationship if I reached out to the him and told him how I feel, how my husband feels, and confirm he’d say yes? 
       
       
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