Husband open to swinging but can't imagine me with another man

[missohio 27]

So glad I found this forum. I'm looking for advice/experiences.

 

We're a couple in our early-mid 30s. We've been married 8 years and have a very happy, healthy, trusting relationship. We also have a great sex life.

 

Last night, we had our first discussion about swinging over a couple drinks. (It actually happened unexpectedly - my husband found a webpage I left open about "how to talk to your husband about swinging" - oops! So thankful he was open and willing to discuss rather than getting angry.)

 

Anyway, this was all my idea. I've been having fantasies for a long time that involve my husband with other women, me with other men, etc. It's getting to a point where I'm VERY curious about swinging. I'd like to open our relationship up to some new sexual experiences and diversity. I'm bicurious, and have no issues with other women being in the picture or with my husband being with another woman. The idea turns me on! Obviously, I know my feelings could change and I have no idea if I could go through with this, but you never know 'til you try.

 

So last night... My husband was mostly curious about why I am interested in this, and he said, "So are we swingers now?" He said it's not something he's ever thought about and he really doesn't fantasize about being with other women. But he said if it's really something I'm interested in, he's open minded and we can start going down the "rabbit hole," as he put it. He said he'd start looking into it more with me. But he also said he's not sure about it all. He kept saying over and over that he can't imagine me with another man. And I said, "But even if you got to have sex with another woman? I thought that was like a man's fantasy." He said, "Eh, she'd have to be really fucking hot because you are really hot. And the idea of you with another man just takes away any appeal of me with another woman." Basically, he didn't seem bothered at all that I would want him to be with another woman or that I wanted to be with other men sexually - he was only bothered by the idea of someone else with me.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if this is a pretty normal first reaction? He said he's not saying he could never get there, but he's not there yet. I just worry if the thought of me with someone else really bothers him....could he ever open up to the idea?? Also, where do we start? What else should I discuss with him? Thanks in advance for help/advice!

[couplers 4,614]

Hi, Petra here. My situation was the reverse - hubby let me have a boyfriend, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being with another woman. Long story short, after about two years, I came around. Not only am I now addicted to what used to be jealousy, I enjoy my Lesbian side.

 

My advice if you're up for it, start with FMFs and your husband playing, or you soft swapping. Eventually, he will see that letting you have fun too is its own reward. Best of luck and keep us updated.

[ViSexual 1,008]

It was my wife who didn't like seeing me with the other wives. And, knowing that, it did affect my enjoyment with the other wives, knowing my wife wasn't comfortable with it. But I loved watching her with the other husbands enough that it made it all worthwhile. I just hope the other wives didn't feel a bit cheated.

 

Looking back, we should have simply found a perfect other, single, man.

 

But you've been contemplating, fantasizing, about this for a while and the thought is brand new to him. Take your time and discuss it. And enjoy that prep time because it can be fun and make the actual first event more comfortable.

 

When you two are out in public, point out other couples and discuss, if they were potential partners, how much each of you like them. Getting used to your spouse talking about how hot someone else is helps to mitigate old feelings of jealousy.

 

And time does change things. Now we don't swing anymore but she's fine with me mentioning how hot some gal is and I love it when she says something about other men. Heck, she even points out a girl with a pretty face or great body. And I do the same with some hot young man.

[CandDinCo 69]

 

I guess I'm just wondering if this is a pretty normal first reaction? He said he's not saying he could never get there, but he's not there yet. I just worry if the thought of me with someone else really bothers him....could he ever open up to the idea?? Also, where do we start? What else should I discuss with him? Thanks in advance for help/advice!

 

First off. Welcome. Glad to have you.

 

The answer to your first question is yes. It is a normal reaction. Your entire post could have been written by a close friend of mine. She is curious. He is not and very jealous. We don't pursue them because we don't want to cause them to fight. We refuse to play with any couple if we feel it will damage a relationship.

 

I suggest exploring this site together. Search keywords for your questions. I can almost guarantee someone has already asked them. Including the Jealousy and apprehension issues. Communication with your spouse is usually the answer to most of the problems. Sounds like you are ahead of the game in that regard.

[Guest]

It’s very simple, if he is not ready to see you with another guy, he is not ready to swing.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Sounds normal to me. You've just introduced the subject, he needs to wrap his head around it to find out just what he thinks and feels. Be patient.

 

It's almost exactly the same for men who have the idea and have the talk with their wives. It takes time, sometimes years. Don't push him, just talk about it with him when he's ready.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

my husband found a webpage I left open about "how to talk to your husband about swinging" - oops!

 

Is that the website that says "if you want to talk to your partner about swinging, just leave this webpage open"?

 

No matter what happens from here, the subject has just been opened up for him. He will need some time to think and research the subject before he can make a complete, thought thru decision. Give him that time. He might want to continue, or he might not...or it may just take him awhile to wrap his head around this. You have been thinking about this for awhile, but he started thinking about it last night. If he does say that he isn't interested, then you really need to stop this (for the time being). He might come back later and readdress the subject...or he may never be interested. Some people just aren't 'wired' for this and nothing you do will change that. Give him some time and space (and assure him that you won't continue and/or do ANYTHING without him being on board) and keep the lines of communication open. There's no rush and there really needs to be no pressure. In order to be successful in swinging, he needs to be able to trust you 100%, don't do anything that will give him the idea that you are not being completely trustworthy. Love, trust and communication. Every relationship needs all three in abundance, so work on making sure he feels great about all three (nothing bad can ever happen from having too much of any of them) and give him some time.

 

Please let us know how things go from here and we wish you success with whatever the decision is.

[missohio 27]

Thanks, all. I really appreciate the responses. I guess I have to remember that if he were thinking about something similar for a long time and it was new to me, it would take me a while to wrap my head around it, as well. I actually probably wouldn't have taken it as well as he did! I also think my first reaction was, "We'll try this soon!" And after reading these responses and other threads on this board, I'm realizing that for many, the conversation happens over a matter of months or YEARS even before anything takes off (if it does at all). So I guess I really need to be patient and start small. I like the idea of pointing out other potential partners and things of that nature. Just to get comfortable talking about other people and things like that.

 

I respect my husband and would definitely never do anything to make him not trust me. As many of you said, we just need to keep communicating.

[missohio 27]

Is that the website that says "if you want to talk to your partner about swinging, just leave this webpage open"?

 

Yes! haha And I honestly didn't do it on purpose. :/ I'm usually good about double checking things like that, but I think I got too busy with my kids...oops. But in some ways, I was glad I made that mistake because I think it would have taken me a lot longer to actually bring up the topic! I'm so glad he was the one who brought it up first!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

It sounds like you are on the right track - talking, planning to start slow, talking more, taking another step, talking, and so on. Having said all of that though, swinging is one of those things that it gets to a point to where you just can't talk about it anymore, you just have to experience it on some level and see how it feels. A good way to start is to attend a meet and greet or make a club visit. Go with no expectation other than having a fun night out together. You'll not only get a chance to meet other swingers and find out that hey, they are regular people, just like us, but if you both are comfortable enough on the first visit or maybe a subsequent visit, then you can perhaps dance with other people. If that still feels ok (or more than ok, even great ), then maybe step it up a notch and do some kissing while dancing and see how that goes. That will be enough to give any issues the chance to rear their heads while not going so far to have felt too threatening or that big of deal even if it gave him or you some unhappy feelings inside.

 

It sounds like you two have a great relationship, so I'll make a prediction and say that he'll be surprised about how seeing you in another man's arms on even the dance floor makes him feel. If you are bright eyed and beaming with excitement and happiness, then he is going to be happy too - it's called compersion, finding happiness in someone else's happiness, and it's something all successful over the long term swinging couples have. I saw over the long term because a couple might get by for the short term on just pure lust for someone else, but to be successful long term, each part of the couple has to be just as into the other half's happiness as they are their own.

 

We're glad you found us and we look forward to reading more or your posts!

[luv2was 117]

It sounds like you are on the right track, just take your time... enjoy the journey, that can be a huge part of the fun. Be sure to always remember though, as is often posted on this BBS:

"Only go as fast as the slowest person."

 

Correct!... You've had lots of time to think about this, it is all new to him. Be sure to allow time for him to digest this new idea (even months or years... the relationship must come first). That he is not totally overwhelmed right out of the gate is a good sign.

 

I really like the idea of y'all exploring this together (as opposed to turning him loose to do research / discovery on his own). This BBS is an AMAZING resource. Follow the search suggestions given. It will likely answer a lot of questions (also: always feel free to ask), and perhaps provide y'all with some fun ideas. Online is relatively safe, and easy to walk away from. Again, enjoy the journey. As long as everyone is having some fun, it should be a good thing, right?

 

Be cautious if anything comes up that would fall under the category of "Expectations".

 

If you decide to really venture out into the world with this, a good first step is to visit a Swinger Club. There are lots of resources for this, and lots of discussion about this on the BBS here. At a club you will be able to meet other "real" Swingers, with a range of experience... talk to them, see what kind of people are in the LS (lifestyle).

 

Visiting Swinger Web-Sites can be good too (try the "Find Swingers" tab above), but it can also be really time consuming. Checking out profiles can give you an idea of who is out there, but the general consensus is that clubs are better. A lot of folks will fake profile information, which can lead to a lot of disappointment... but at least it will give you some idea of who is out there. There are "real" people online however, so it can work, sometimes.

 

Have Fun!

 

:-)

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . He said it's not something he's ever thought about and he really doesn't fantasize about being with other women. But he said if it's really something I'm interested in, he's open minded and we can start going down the "rabbit hole," as he put it. . .

This is about were I was sixteen years ago. My wife brought up the idea with me. I considered it and did follow her "down the rabbit hole". There were several discouragements in out initial efforts but it all turned out to be more than OK. Your results might vary.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

All too often when one brings up this topic to their SO, it comes across as 'I want to have sex with someone else' (as in I want to cheat on you, you're not good enough in bed, let's see other people, etc...all bad things). That he took it as well as he did is a good thing. Keep talking and let him know if he isn't interested then you will drop it. This is something you want to do TOGETHER if you do go any further (he needs to know this). Don't just say it, he needs to KNOW...if he's not interested, you will not pursue it and it will be dropped. Bring him here and set up an account so he can read and ask questions (if he wants to do more research, there is no better place). Even better is coming here together to do your reading and such. Keep talking...talk about your other fantasies and find out what his are and see what you can do to make them happen. This is a path best traveled side by side with someone you love. Make your rules and limits together and stick with them. They can (and usually will) be changed as you find together you are both good with changing them. We (like so many others) originally had a no kissing rule (fear of the J word). As we approached that limit, we found that we were both okay with changing that rule so we did (and looking back saw how silly the rule was...but it was NOT silly before we decided to change it). As pointed out, never move faster than the slowest is comfortable with. Take your time and enjoy the trip. Keep talking, and if this isn't fun for the both of you, walk away and look for something else that you can both enjoy.

 

Luv2was: when I saw you used y'all in a sentence, I thought they are from the south. Surprised to find I was right...southwest Oregon [d-oh]. State of Jefferson?

[missohio 27]

Thank you all so much for the great advice! I feel so supported (and not alone!) in this community.