Insecurities?

[Justagurl 16]

My husband has always liked the idea of swinging. It’s taken him years to convince me, but I’m on board now. We haven’t done much yet, but he’s always encouraging/pushing me to do more. Talking about how cool it would be to see me all turned on with someone else. Years ago I made out with a girl HE introduced me to, and HE encouraged me to get with. (A girl from his work) afterwards, he was furious! We worked it out, but didn’t do much other than chat with swingers for years after that. Recently he’s been taking about giving it another shot. We went to an EDM concert this weekend. He was encouraging me to go ‘have fun’ I drank more than I should have. I was out dancing/grinding with everyone. My husband was with me the whole time, but he never jumped in on any of it. I made out with a couple guys on the dance floor and once again...my husband was furious. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with him. Why encourage me to do stuff then get mad? I think maybe he feels left out? But, if he wants in on it, I feel like he should jump in.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

To be successful in swinging (as well with any relationship) you need an abundance of love, trust and great communication. It sounds like you could work on at least on or two of these. Start with the communication: talk with him and find out what it is he is looking for. There should be boundaries and rules so you both know what is and isn't allowed (and never violate them). He 'likes' the idea of swinging but gets mad whenever you actually DO anything...that just sounds weird and requires more discussion. Maybe once you start he runs into problems about trusting you? No matter what, the word 'pushing' (as in encouraging/pushing you to do more) sounds less than loving. You need to both sit down and talk about this. What are his fantasies? What is he asking you to do? What limits? Does he want to get with other couples or does he want to only see you with other men? Other women?

 

Talk with him and work together to find the answers and things that you are both interested in making become a reality...but don't allow him to push you into anything you are not interested in. Swinging is a magnifying glass: it can make a great relationship more intense, but it can burn and destroy a weak relationship. Let us know what happens and good luck with wherever you decide to go with this.

[padoc 1,703]

Reality seldom lives up to the fantasy. There is a HUGE difference between thinking about your wife making out with a girl or getting fondled on a dance floor and actually seeing it happen. It doesn't appear that your husband is emotionally prepared to actually explore swinging at this time. If he can't get past some simple and basically harmless behaviors as described above, I can't imagine how he'd react seeing someone else penis disappear into your mouth.

 

On the other hand, if a couple is on the same emotional page, there's a lot of fun to be had when you turn fantasy into reality together. The key word is together and he's not ready.

[couplers 4,640]

He got angry that you made out with a woman? There's something seriously wrong with his self-esteem. Even the vanilla guys I know, as much as I know them, don't feel jealous or threatened by the thought/possibility/reality of their wives playing with another woman.

 

If swinging is something that you want to do, play the fantasy out slowly. When you two are having sex see if he's OK with you talking about having sex with someone else. Is he open to really soft swapping as a start, maybe just nudity? Good luck and keep us updated.

[agreatguy 269]

He's getting mad because he's not getting what he wants out of it and you are. The two of you need to figure out what he wants?

[mrmrsmass 16]

Stop, that"s all I can say. He doesn't know what he wants.

[Ckeroticfun3 20]

My husband has always liked the idea of swinging. It’s taken him years to convince me, but I’m on board now. We haven’t done much yet, but he’s always encouraging/pushing me to do more. Talking about how cool it would be to see me all turned on with someone else. Years ago I made out with a girl HE introduced me to, and HE encouraged me to get with. (A girl from his work) afterwards, he was furious! We worked it out, but didn’t do much other than chat with swingers for years after that. Recently he’s been taking about giving it another shot. We went to an EDM concert this weekend. He was encouraging me to go ‘have fun’ I drank more than I should have. I was out dancing/grinding with everyone. My husband was with me the whole time, but he never jumped in on any of it. I made out with a couple guys on the dance floor and once again...my husband was furious. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with him. Why encourage me to do stuff then get mad? I think maybe he feels left out? But, if he wants in on it, I feel like he should jump in.

 

I think too many mis understandings, lack of understanding or even self endulgences are going wrong.

 

As a single guy who has help work this out with some really special couples it’s obvious one of the few “unprepared swinger” norms may be happening. A lot gets left out of the translation as viewed from both sides.

 

You need to ask him exactly what he would like to try or what he really wants to explore. Then ask yourself if your into it too. Then do the exploring and experiencing together. ( It sounds like he didn’t intend for you to be the “HOT WIFE” while he sits back). I could be wrong as I hadn’t asked you both together.

 

Maybe he wants to try soft swing? How about you?

 

Maybe you went after her and the guys ( as you said you made out with a bunch of guys) and left him feeling like you abandoned the fantasy/relationship/him. ( to me this is what I’d guess and please don’t take it as judgment ).

 

A lot of swinging couples enjoy knowing, being a part of and/or feeling their partners pleasures with others. Knowing they are even the empowering partner helping make the situation positive and rewarding. If you just take off into the moment it may come across as a “thank you but I’ll see you later after I get me fun on by myself” then a lot of bonds get broken. Damaged.

 

Exploring together, knowing what everyone is excited for and respecting each other’s experience can lead to some of the most incredible and rewarding sexually mindgasmic times you’ve ever experienced

 

This is an awesome bond that needs to be respected when playing from both sides. It takes growth, time, trust and a developed understanding.

 

So please be sure not to sprint into the list but guide yourselves into it together if you choose. It’s much better that way

[GoNatural 104]

At least y'all have started out with just dancing and kissing. Good baby steps. The others have given good advice. What will get him horny in a group setting?

[MIDNIGHTVELVET 15]

There is a clear and present danger here. There should not be any working anything out after the fact. On something that the both of you agreed on doing. It appears you two are not on the same page or let alone the same book for that matter. It seems your not communicating or comparing notes to notice you are no where near each other on this. Did you have a discussion on rules of engagement or bounderies? Or signal a wayout to let one or both know if one is uncomfortable or is having emotional issue? Even in the midst of heavy action. So you two can talk about where one had an issue, with out it becomming a catastrophic one to your relationship. Being “furious” is beyond mad and is an alarming response to things he’s encouraging you and you acting on them. which leads me to believe he is not being totally honest with you whith something and or you didn’t ask what is making him so furious in the first. Also, He may likes the idea of it, but in reality can’t handle it. You two need to actually have a very real conversation on rules, pros and cons of it and not just the idea itself.

[FreaknChic 15]

Well I will respond with my little experience (so 1 threesome, recent) and with the eye of the one that got mad during that event.

I didn't get mad when I expected and not for the reason that I thought.

Looking back seeing him fucking that girl with his sex face is still one of my best memory.

Now that said I got "mad" (upset not furious, but emotions are expressed in many different ways and forms) when they both were outside smoking without me for a good 20 minutes, I felt left aside and after that my mind was set negatively.

I got mad and hurt when he asked me to open my feelings of that in front of her and that they were together cuddling while I felt like a party pooper.

That was the worse for me.

I felt hurt because she was moving a lot, humping him, like I never do, that made me "jaleous".

And last but not least the cudfling and taking hand, sharing some kind of intimacy that I didn't expect.

 

So now we talked it out.

 

The fact that he got mad has certainly to do with something he is afraid of not being able to give to you.

I know that feeling, it comes from low self esteem, and actually I find that men in general are more secret about that than women.

Ask him when he got mad, try to find what triggered him, is it a kiss ? The way you smiled at the other ? The fact that you enjoyed it ?

From that road map you can try to discuss it point by point and reassure him over the love you AND DESIRE you have for him.

Listen to jim, try not to react to passive aggressive comments, rather yo understand what they really mean (hurt, fear, drop)

Does he really want that ?

That is also another question. I DO WANT that, my whole soul heart and body is willing it. So I am not going to quit just because we had a bad experience.

You should speak to him and check what he pictured, like in his fantasies how does he picture himself ? That is mostly the best version of the one we want to become and where we look forward to.

You can help him become the man he wants to be.

Then the choice of the other party has also something to do with it even if I do not have that much experience I can say now that girl wasn't a good match.

So try to establish what/who he would feel safe with, and start by that.

Mistakes are in my opinion a way to learn about ourselves and it deepens our trust in ourselves.

 

That all said he needs to be at a place within himself when some emotional work has been done beforehand.

I had HUGE abandonment issues, that I worked on for 2 years in EMDR therapy.

Now I can start to see the world, the definition of LOVE with a different look.

If the same thing happened 3 years ago I would have gone downhill and this would have been the end of us from my perspective.

I long for swinging since as long as I can remember, it doesn't mean I was ready for it, I can now say I am because I know myself very well.

The after work was as confronting as therapy and needed some solid communication skills on both side.

Everything was open and we went for it !

If he is still not there yet, do not go further, I can tell you from where I stand, these requires A LOT of work.

It's comparable to EMDR for me, which is know to be one of the toughest therapy form to go through.

You do not need to abandon the idea, but working on ourselves beforehand is mandatory.

Much of luck for the future !