Making progress with our communication

[itsmrcurious 24]

So we've been discussing swinging for a couple of years (perhaps more) and we've had 2 threesomes and met another couple (which didn't go great - there is another thread that outlines this particular story :-)). We had "date night" on Saturday and I think made a couple of breakthroughs

 

We've come to the conclusion that she is much less interested in swinging that I am for a variety of reasons but the main ones being

 

1/ Her libido just isn't that high (she is pretty pragmatic and sensible day to day, so the pressures of everyday life - kids, work, money, friends - come before sexual fantasies). When she is in the mood though, she is pretty racy and she's always been open to experimentation, so I think she doth protest too much

 

2/ She is worried she will be jealous of me (so I have said I am happy with MFM to begin with and will take it at her pace, plus I strayed once - only a kiss and cuddle, but still a breach of trust, and she forgave me quickly and we even ended up having a threesome with that girl - she is a wonderful woman my wife)

 

3/ She is worried that this is a Pandora's box - that once awakened, she will struggle to control it. She gave me a couple of examples of where she had hurt men in the past, and also examples of situations where she might be tempted to stray in the future.

 

When we discussed this third point above, I said a couple of things. Firstly, that I trust her and I think she gives herself too little credit. She is eminently trustworthy and has told me that she has no intention to cheat, but she has a history of open relationships and they have all ended with the partner hurt and in pain, so she worries that it is a pattern. On the other hand, she has always been honest with her partners throughout their experimentation and all the situations have been with their consent, so in my mind she is trustworthy (and I have plenty of other examples to back this up). Second, that if she did mess up once, I know that she would immediately tell me (she agrees) and that since I have fucked up once, plus I am pushing for this experimentation and I know the risks, that I would not be able to hold it against her, however much it might hurt. I believe I am capable of this, even though it may be hard. She has no intention to stray, but I think it makes her more comfortable to hear that I would be able to rationalize it. We would then talk about it and establish new rules based on how we felt about it all.

 

I would love some advice from the esteemed swingers on this board. We have rules that we have agreed on and written down, so I believe we are as ready as we can be? Any experience through the actuality of moving on with this from here?

 

Big love to you all!

[CandDinCo 69]

Sounds like you have the uninhibited communication covered. That's usually the most important thing. Rules set. Don't forget to have a "debriefing" planned for after so you can talk through everything. Otherwise, you will be left to guess what the other is thinking.

 

Outside of that. You seem to be ready. Just go find people you both are attracted to.

[adamgunn 1,461]

She seems to have her head on straight. If she doesn't want to, you're not going to 'talk her into it.' Be patient, continue to tell her that you'll be fine with whatever happens, but that no matter what you'll both continue to love each other.

[agreatguy 269]

Between reading this post and your first one it feels like there is a lot going on.

 

The libido isn't very high but you've played before with guys she has had prior feelings for and her libido has been fine then?

She's willing to give it another go but she likes to get messy? Why? Lowered inhibitions, increased intensity? Sound like she can be pretty intense once she gets going.

She is very pragmatic and sensible with kids, money and life in general but doesn't trust herself to have self control or contain her feelings. Would it be fair to say her pragmatism borders on obsession?

She has hurt men in the past but now has a conscience about it? What changed? Because it's not normal to go from not having a conscience about such things to having one without some life changing event(finding religion for example) or some other epiphany.

 

Sorry, and I'm completely reading between the lines and applying some personal knowledge I have to someone I don't know but she may have some emotional issues that she needs to work through. That needs to happen before anything else does.

 

Good luck

[itsmrcurious 24]

Hey @agreatguy

 

Thanks for reading this and thanks also for following up with our other post. Yeah, lots going on here.

 

I think everything she says is pretty consistent. Her libido isn't very high - actually, it's a lot higher that most - we still have regular sex 2-3 times a week after 16 years together - she likes to get messy - yes, definitely as an escape from her pragmatic day to day - self control - see escape from day to day plus she doesn't really have an off switch - hurting men - well, I think that's part and parcel of growing up, but she worries there is a pattern. She loves me and our family deeply and doesn't want to do anything to risk that, plus she is a product of a divorce, so that always affects her thinking.

 

Anyway, appreciate your thoughts. Thanks for reading!

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First of all, you've had a threesome with another woman...box already open. If you set limits and rules (and NEVER violate them), then you have minimized the big green monster. The other thing to do to limit jealousy is trust. Work on maximizing your trust in each other (noted that you are already working on this). You seem to trust her, but it sounds like she may have past trust issues (and you didn't help with your kiss and cuddle but she apparently got over very well). Take it one small step at a time and see how it goes...you can always stop and turn back. Never move forward faster than the slowest of you is willing to go. This isn't a race and there is no trophy so take your time and enjoy the journey. Let us know how you move forward.

[itsmrcurious 24]

You always give great advice GoldCoCouple. Thanks.

 

I will indeed report back when the next moves are made. We've been talking for a while to a couple that live in the next door city. May have a date with them in October after this busy period. We'll see how it goes!