Possibly Going to an Open Relationship

[EastInWest 1,524]

So, this is something we've been talking over for a few weeks and I decided to take it to the experts. It's a blunt topic and maybe a little heavy, but I think it's a group that understands the situation and can comment intelligently.

 

Some regulars here are at least partially familiar with our story, we've been together for about ten years and share a home in a mid-sized city on the east coast, and after being all-talk for a while, started playing with two other couples. Along the way, we've thrown in a few singles and some flirting when we travel, and it's been great fun, but we haven't crossed over into clubs, etc. We are both pretty fit, high-libido people, and generally have sex about twice a day on average.

 

Her career is tied to the area, which requires her to be here during the spring and fall, and is very inconvenient to travel to and from. Mine has always been location-independent, but I now have a new opportunity that we both agree is hard to pass up, except for one thing:

 

It's about 50-75% travel, mostly on the west coast, with breaks around the holidays and late summer. In theory, I can be home most weekends, but the truth is that the way flights are, I'd probably be gone two or three weeks at a time, then back for a week, mostly at times of year where she won't be able to join me.

 

Most couples would probably just cheat and then yell at each other. We don't want that and are addressing this head-on, since we've never gone more than about three days at a time without screwing, and we both just need sex more than that to stay satisfied with life.

 

This is a lopsided problem. We've talked openly about what we're comfortable with, but we have two sticking points where it's easier for me to solve my problem than it is for her to solve hers.

 

1) "Soft play" is a non-issue to us, we've both already agreed that we don't need to pre-arrange that when we're traveling together, but intercourse is more complicated for Mrs. E. She's open about the fact that she needs cock but isn't sure how she feels about opening that door on either side, and we both agree that whatever we decide to do, it should be balanced and reciprocal.

 

2) We are as vanilla as it gets, publicly. Mrs. E hotwifing or having a boyfriend on the side would be damaging to both of us if word gets around. This town is too small.

 

Right now, the best we can come up with is maintaining an apartment in a larger city two hours away with a good airport for both of us to use as a hub. She has long weekends and it would allow us to connect more often, and the other city is about a hundred times more interesting and a hundred times more anonymous, so we'd have more fun when we're together and it'd give her peace of mind about doing what she needs to do when she does need to do it. This idea has progressed enough that we went down and scouted possible locations this weekend. (Tentatively, we're calling it the Fuck Dome.)

 

There's a lot to figure out here in terms of communication, safety, and permission, but we're really just brainstorming about how best to address this in a way that even can work before we get to that. It seems like something people on this forum probably have encountered, and at this point, it's just about time for me to make a decision on if I'm pulling the trigger to do this thing or not.

[couplers 4,649]

So, this is something we've been talking over for a couple of weeks and I decided to take it to the experts. It's a blunt topic and maybe a little heavy, but I think it's a group that understands the situation and can comment intelligently.

Your topic isn't blunt and discussion heavy. It seems like two people working things out rationally.

 

 

... intercourse is more complicated for Mrs. E. She's open about the fact that she needs cock but isn't sure how she feels about opening that door on either side, and we both agree that whatever we decide to do, it should be balanced and reciprocal.

This is the only point where I would disagree with what you propose - your arrangement does not have to be (or at least start out) "balanced and reciprocal." If you can find common ground, whatever it is, that satisfies you both, then that's where you go. It's one thing that I have found to be true in our journey of nonmonogamy and forming a poly family. At first hubby didn't play, only I did with my boyfried/ex-fiance because of my jealousy issues. Later, I realized how stupid I was being and how much I enjoyed knowing, then watching, then participating with other women having sex with my husband and boyfriend.

 

So go with what feels right and don't strive for an artificial goal like balance and reciprocity. And BTW, as I have gotten into my thirties, I can understand Mrs. E's need for cock more than ever.

[EastInWest 1,524]

This is the only point where I would disagree with what you propose - your arrangement does not have to be (or at least start out) "balanced and reciprocal." If you can find common ground, whatever it is, that satisfies you both, then that's where you go. It's one thing that I have found to be true in our journey of nonmonogamy and forming a poly family. At first hubby didn't play, only I did with my boyfried/ex-fiance because of my jealousy issues. Later, I realized how stupid I was being and how much I enjoyed knowing, then watching, then participating with other women having sex with my husband and boyfriend.

 

So go with what feels right and don't strive for an artificial goal like balance and reciprocity. And BTW, as I have gotten into my thirties, I can understand Mrs. E's need for cock more than ever.

 

I appreciate what you're saying and you're right. With that said, what we're trying to avoid is a set of "rules" that turns this into something we can't really live with comfortably and end up having a fight about. We know ourselves well enough that even if we don't take advantage of the arrangement in the same way, we need to know we're either in for "hard play" or we're not and respect it 100%.

 

That, being totally transparent with each other, using condoms for any intercourse that does happen, and not playing within 100 miles of the house are the only things we're totally sure about so far. Other questions are hanging out there but are really questions about how to do it, not the bigger problem of whether it will work at all.

 

What's very positive is that it hasn't been a stressful conversation at all. We figured this was an incredible opportunity and that we didn't need to discuss the problem because I was unlikely to get an offer, and then I did, and here we are both on board with making it work. We actually both prefer the city we're looking at using as a hub and are excited to spend more time there even if it means less time in our home, and going over the sex aspect has been totally playful and understanding, even if it's a little rocky when we get into the details. We have another little meeting scheduled after dinner tonight to go over what we saw this weekend and what we think. If we do this, it'll mean I start traveling in January and we'll have just about two months to figure out the logistics before I have to give notice to my current employer.

[Wornsilver 219]

What an intriguing situation. Oh, BTW, I got nothin'. Sorry. But I am so admiring of the adult way the two of you are approaching this issue. A lot of us face difficult situations, you are models for facing this together and working something out that is not giving in to the societal norm which is usually, "Suck it up, be unfulfilled."

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

As someone who used to travel extensively for work realize it gets old very fast (and I was home for the weekends). Working and traveling during the day and then trying to find playmates at night...I think you will find that you will eventually find out you would rather just be at home. Don't have much more for you than this...

[EastInWest 1,524]

As someone who used to travel extensively for work realize it gets old very fast (and I was home for the weekends). Working and traveling during the day and then trying to find playmates at night...I think you will find that you will eventually find out you would rather just be at home. Don't have much more for you than this...

 

On that front, I'm definitely aware. Business travel schedules can be a drag even for a week, and it's not something I'm doing anticipating a bunch of fun but rather because it's a specific opportunity to spend a year getting paid very well to do something that will also pay dividends later.

 

I do appreciate the feedback in this thread, I realize it's not really a "typical" situation but the open relationship forum is a pretty quiet place and I'm glad people are offering what they can. Having talked about it more, we think we have the right idea about how to make the logistics work, since meeting in a larger city means we can spend more weekends together, even most, with far less of a travel drag on me. Potentially we'd be together enough that this isn't really an issue, but it's still something we need to think all the way through before we pull any triggers.

[Judy39 145]

Sorry I didn't really understand what the issue is for Mrs E? Your first point? And also, are you suggesting open relationship (as you mention in your title) or are you suggesting an apartment that you will BOTH use for swinging? Or both use for shagging, individually as well as together?.. There's a lot of possibilities here...

 

If you're going down the open relationship route then the common issue is the realization of just how much of an advantage women have in this scenario. In comparison to swinging as a couple, you would lose, and your partner would win a lot of points. Most men don't care if the woman is married or not (and many get turned on by knowing they fuck someone else's wife) whereas most women care deeply about their partner's marital status and are wary of married or attached men.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Sorry I didn't really understand what the issue is for Mrs E? Your first point? And also, are you suggesting open relationship (as you mention in your title) or are you suggesting an apartment that you will BOTH use for swinging? Or both use for shagging, individually as well as together?.. There's a lot of possibilities here...

 

If you're going down the open relationship route then the common issue is the realization of just how much of an advantage women have in this scenario. In comparison to swinging as a couple, you would lose, and your partner would win a lot of points. Most men don't care if the woman is married or not (and many get turned on by knowing they fuck someone else's wife) whereas most women care deeply about their partner's marital status and are wary of married or attached men.

 

The apartment idea is to meet every issue in the middle. If she needs to go out, it's far enough away from our vanilla life that she can use it for that without local drama, especially the mess it would make if it turns sexual. It's also close enough to her and accessible enough to me in an air travel sense that we'd see each other much more than we would otherwise, without stressing either of us out.

 

Playing separately is a whole new area that we can't really entertain in our own community, and we're not naive enough to think we'll be fine with the dramatic cutback in opposite sex companionship. We like to go out, we like to have a couple of drinks, we like to fool around, we like skin-on-skin contact. We're also not naive enough to think we can make a habit of going out solo and mingling without sex coming up, or that soft play never leads to intercourse.

 

The complication for her is just that while we both realize she needs regular intercourse to be satisfied, casual sex was a hurdle for her in the first place and we are not highly experienced swingers (although we're working on it). So what we're really discussing is which doors we want to open and what we can do to make everything work with the least stress. We're also obviously aware of the gender bias there.

 

At least for the moment, we're leaning toward doing this with a boundary on soft play only, then we'll take the temperature once we've settled into a routine and see if we need to adjust the rules. Open communication about what we're going to be doing, what we did, and keeping anything that does happen casual. We might find that we're able to meet up enough there that we can stick to that rule. Even if we find out that the "open" aspect just doesn't work, being able to connect more often in the city will make it much more workable for both of us.

 

That's our theory, anyway.

[Judy39 145]

So who would be these people meeting your partner for soft play fun? What's in it for them? Emotional connection? A hope that one day it would lead to something more?.. Because if it's not casual sex then it's likely to be long lasting relationship of some description. Are you OK with that? Whatever you decide, good luck and have fun x

[EastInWest 1,524]

So who would be these people meeting your partner for soft play fun? What's in it for them? Emotional connection? A hope that one day it would lead to something more?.. Because if it's not casual sex then it's likely to be long lasting relationship of some description. Are you OK with that? Whatever you decide, good luck and have fun x

 

Fair question. It's absolutely limited to casual sex. We did have the discussion about whether or not she would want to see somebody regularly, but we both feel that's needlessly complicated for now.

 

Where we are is that if we're both the type of people who need to go out and have a good time, but we also know it's not going to work to have gossip near home. If somebody cums, that's fine, but let's keep it away from the house and save the actual fucking for when we can get together. We're both 80% of the way there on being fine with intercourse, but just think we need a trial run first to see what the realities are and what our routine is really like. We may find this isn't as neccessary as it feels and we should drop the whole thing before it goes any further, or we may find it's totally neccessary and that's it a good thing we talked it all the way through before we have to make decisions out of frustration. We're actually having a lot of fun discussing possible scenarios and what works and what doesn't.

[Jane1902 476]

I think you are being smart talking about things this much first. I do think that a soft play rule would be hard to maintain, especially in the heat of the moment. It would likely limit interested playmates. I like how the apartment will also allow the two of you to get together more. I had one traveler contact me saying how excited he was to come to my city, ending his letter asking me to help him make his visit to another city memorable.

[Numex 2,420]

There is one thing I believe that you're failing to consider - the positive effect this could have on both your marriage and the sex you have together. In my experience, my wife and then me venturing into other sexual relationships (we play with regulars) together and separately has improved our marriage and makes our sex life fantastic.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I think you are being smart talking about things this much first. I do think that a soft play rule would be hard to maintain, especially in the heat of the moment. It would likely limit interested playmates.

 

...and that's something we've talked about. It's probably a bigger limitation for me than it is for her as I don't think there are too many vanilla guys who will complain about "only" getting great head. On the other hand, she's the one who just isn't content to only receive oral for long. Since it's primarily an issue for her in the first place, we're stopping there until she has a clearer picture of how she wants to handle it, but it's a change we'll discuss together, face-to-face.

 

There is one thing I believe that you're failing to consider - the positive effect this could have on both your marriage and the sex you have together. In my experience, my wife and then me venturing into other sexual relationships (we play with regulars) together and separately has improved our marriage and makes our sex life fantastic.

 

We know how much we like talking about our play with others and the lingering boost in our sex life. We're seeing it as a fun project, even if it's not ideal that it wouldn't be same room.

[Jane1902 476]

I read somewhere an open relationship that limited the number of times they would see a new partner before moving on. This way they avoided getting caught in NRE and were still prioritizing the marriage. Are there couples you currently play with she can see while you are away? Together can you find a single male for MFM and for when you're gone? I am not sure if you are staying in one place or will be travelling too. If you are in one location maybe on one of her visits you can meet couples and they may be more open to playing with you separately having met you together. Make sure to plan the time to talk to each other when apart.

[Judy39 145]

I don't think there are too many vanilla guys who will complain about "only" getting great head

Really?? I think people would only want to meet someone on these terms if they have no better offers. Or to see if they can bend the rules. Or if they are invested emotionally. Or if this person (your partner) is well out of their league (in this case, fair enough). In all cases they would probably be hoping to get more, and it could get awkward. Sorry. I don't mean to say that the plan is flawed but be careful, it may take a long time to find the right person.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I read somewhere an open relationship that limited the number of times they would see a new partner before moving on. This way they avoided getting caught in NRE and were still prioritizing the marriage. Are there couples you currently play with she can see while you are away? Together can you find a single male for MFM and for when you're gone? I am not sure if you are staying in one place or will be travelling too. If you are in one location maybe on one of her visits you can meet couples and they may be more open to playing with you separately having met you together. Make sure to plan the time to talk to each other when apart.

 

All thoughtful observations. The situation is that I'll mainly be moving around on the west coast, between several cities, in week-long chunks. Free most weekends and also every few weeks. The way we're looking at it, we'd probably get five or six nights a month together this way, plus a workweek most months and our vacations.

 

We do have two couples that we play with, but they are not local. We've talked about that and are fine with meeting them, but it probably wouldn't happen often. We haven't talked about any kind of a "hard limit" on repeat sessions with anyone, but other than the couples we already know well, no intercourse, no sleepovers, and a veto rule for any partners or situations that set off alarms for either of us.

 

I think we're communicative enough to realize if someone is becoming a problem, although I also think we'd need to have the intercourse talk before a "third date" ever came around. For the moment, we're just going to see what we actually do with it. After last night's conversation, we're feeling pretty committed to the idea.

 

Really?? I think people would only want to meet someone on these terms if they have no better offers. Or to see if they can bend the rules. Or if they are invested emotionally. Or if this person (your partner) is well out of their league (in this case, fair enough). In all cases they would probably be hoping to get more, and it could get awkward. Sorry. I don't mean to say that the plan is flawed but be careful, it may take a long time to find the right person.

 

No, I get it. To be clear, for the moment, this is not cruising the personals ads for a friend with benefits.

 

We've talked about that, but the first issue is just having an outlet for going out and being social and playful. We'd rather clear it up now that we both realize we're very physical people, that real life gets heated, and that there's a safe way to go have fun away from home with a stopping point that we can walk away from after letting off some steam. If we feel good about it, we'll move the stopping point, but insisting that we spend that much of our year sitting around bored is not fair, and pretending that nothing could ever happen when we go out is not realistic.

[Judy39 145]

Good luck. The feeling of freedom - irrespective of whether anything naughty will even happen - is quite a treat in itself x

[EastInWest 1,524]

So, three weeks on, a few things have happened.

 

We decided to go ahead with the plan. 2019 will be a busy year with a payoff, and last week we stayed in the city both to finish up our apartment hunt and meet up with our playcouple/friends.

 

That led to be some frank conversations about their own experience and their semi-open relationship, which actually put Mrs. E at ease about some things. Some of these conversations took place in various states of undress and arousal, but it was the right environment to open up about it. She's come to the conclusion that intercourse is not the big (or practical) boundary she worried it was. We agree that there are plenty of rules as it is to keep us happy and safe that if it happens, it happens.

 

We also signed and took the keys Friday. One year lease and month-to-month after that, to get us all the way through the year. A furnished studio in a good spot, use of a gym, buzzer entry, easy for us both to get to, and we picked up a few odds and ends for it and managed to break it in yesterday before we left. We're going to try to spend most weekends there through the end of the year to get things organized. We're happy with how this is playing out.

[couplers 4,649]

I read somewhere an open relationship that limited the number of times they would see a new partner before moving on. This way they avoided getting caught in NRE and were still prioritizing the marriage. .

That seems to defeat the fun of getting caught up in NRE. The insatiable lust. But it's call New Relationship Energy for a reason - it runs its course and things go back to the way they were. A wild passion without the danger. As wisely observed in Catulli Carmina, the second of the three in the Carmina Burana cycle, "Love's violent tempest soon becomes a gentle breeze."