Other male too romantic with my wife

[njbm 2,869]

We are friendly with a couple and have played several times. At our last session, the other husband was a little too romantic for my wife and my taste. He told her he would dream about her that night and did a few other things that were sort of possessive, clingy and characteristic of a bf/gf relationship. We both felt he was being disrespectful to his wife and we were uncomfortable. We see them at house parties and we do things with them of a vanilla nature ( have one thing planned) , but we both feel icky about it. It is not jealousy for me, my wife agrees it is over the top. We both swing together for variety and fun, but other husbands are respectful and do not make it like my wife is their new gf, to the detriment of their wife.

 

Discuss with him? Downshift? Cut ties? We both like the wife.

[Judy39 145]

It may just be a matter of taste, more than being rude or disrespectful. Different people enjoy different things which is fair enough.

 

If your wife is still attracted to him I'd ask him to tone it down, but if it's so bad that your wife doesn't even like him anymore - then what's the point of discussing it? Just maintain the distance, say you're not interested etc.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Is it an option to have a quiet word with the husband ? If you like this couple a lot it might make sense to try and resolve the issue, it could just be a bit of banter on his part or him trying to make your wife feel good , it's really hard to say without being there. If that's not an option then how about getting your wife to ask his wife if she was indeed a bit put out by what he said.

[njbm 2,869]

Their wife seems to overlook anything he does. I saw her husband really just hitting on another wife behind her husband’s back. I asked their wife if her husband’s behavior might tee off the other husband and she was unconcerned.

 

I think we are friendly enough that my wife, who is very direct, can say something. I predict no change. The guy is on the hunt like a dog looking for a bone. We just have a different outlook. The guy seems to have a crush on my wife.But he acts that way towards other women too.

[agreatguy 269]

If he acts that way with other women too then I'm not sure it is as much of a concern "romantically". The question really seems to be whether he is just acting like too much of a dick. We've seen couples in the clubs like this. He is hitting on every woman there and she's somewhere hiding in a corner. You never really know the dynamic going on between the two. It's almost like he's using her as a ticket and for whatever reason she goes along.

Whatever the dynamic is I doubt it will change. I've had to run guys like this off before. They just move on to the next opportunity.

[JandKinBoise 858]

Be careful when dealing with this. We lost a favorite lover because he saw us as to 'porny' when I requested he slow down on the romance (at my wife's request). Had I been more tactful, I may have avoided chasing him off.

[Gab32421 25]

Id be asking him to tone it down and reviewing the relationship, this sounds like trouble.

[Brimba 30]

We are friendly with a couple and have played several times. At our last session, the other husband was a little too romantic for my wife and my taste. He told her he would dream about her that night and did a few other things that were sort of possessive, clingy and characteristic of a bf/gf relationship. We both felt he was being disrespectful to his wife and we were uncomfortable. We see them at house parties and we do things with them of a vanilla nature ( have one thing planned) , but we both feel icky about it. It is not jealousy for me, my wife agrees it is over the top. We both swing together for variety and fun, but other husbands are respectful and do not make it like my wife is their new gf, to the detriment of their wife.

 

Discuss with him? Downshift? Cut ties? We both like the wife.

 

Need to get together and talk it over with them - explain your limits and try to continue with your swinging relationship with them.

[Achilles84 20]

End it immediately. I was in a situation where a man I let my wife play with, tried to end our marriage and take her from me. This clingy attitude is unsafe. Seems he caught feelings and maybe feels as if the grass is greener on your side of the fence. And that's the last thing you need, is for your wife to have a shoulder to cry on, who might have alterior motives, if you two ever have an argument. The chance is not worth the risk.

[Jare1998 62]

We had a similar situation. The guy half of our first couple was got to be sneaky, tried to kiss me when no one was looking, was always grabbing me and this was outside of playtime. He was generally just too involved. This couple also did not seem to enjoy being with each other as much, they never really touched each other or seemed to communicate. Come to find out he was cheating on her with another woman. We just got an icky feeling from him like he would have replaced her with me very easily. We are no longer friends.

[Alura 2,774]

We had a husband ask my wife, "Are you my girlfriend?" Since we were all four present at the time, I thought it was a joke. Laura didn't. She told him (leaving no doubt) that she was a wife, which left her no room to be a "girlfriend."

 

I think some men (and women) enter the lifestyle not quite understanding the difference between "making love" and "fucking for fun," so they try to do the only thing that falls within their experience, make love. This was an aspect of swinging that Laura and I discussed in depth with a potential couple before we ever crawled between the sheets.

 

"Sex for fun" was probably the most compelling reason we swung. (Swang?) (Swinged?) We could do it with other people, but our sex acts together always ended up with great emotion involved. With other people we could laugh, joke, and giggle when we came.

 

Your friends seem like decent people. I'd arrange a discussion (not accusative) over dinner.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I felt very uncomfortable the first time I watched them kissing very passionately.

 

In my conversations with my wife when I was trying to talk her into having sex with another man in front of me was that if it felt good to relax and enjoy it. I wanted her to feel free.

[Guest]

My first guess is the comment was just an innocent comment.

 

I think sometimes its hard to judge what a new person / women wants, for example some women prefer no talk in bed / some women prefer naughty talk in bed / some women prefer romantic talk in bed and in my experience a man will try various methods of talking until he figures out what the women likes, or in this case doesn't like.

 

Some years back me and a male threesome friend had a lot of MFM / MMF threesomes with my ex girlfriend, however my ex girlfriend was always a little nervous of the subject, so after talking me and the other guy turned up the romance a little, gave her compliments, flattery, romantic gestures, the other guy would openly tell my girlfriend that he has missed her / had been thinking about her / wanted to pull her knickers off / felt comfy with her, and in some respects it helped my ex relax more, obviously my ex respond well to the more romantic side of things.

 

Not sure if that makes sense but sometimes it is difficult for a man to know what to say, in reality he would probably say.....

 

"I want your pussy, I want to to ram my dick in your naked pussy and shoot massive loads of cum deep inside you and then get my wife to clean off my cock with her mouth"

 

But not wanting to offend this new women the man ends up saying....

 

"I have missed you / been thinking about you"

 

Or something along those lines

[Fla-swing99 136]

There are some people that have certain fantasies and fetishes. His may be one of imagining having a gf. If you were both feeling uncomfortable with the way he was acting but you both enjoy spending time with them, then I would talk to him and express to him that him having those dreams and fantasy of having your wife and him be bf/gf makes you both uncomfortable and could he please tone it down. And in fairness to him, maybe this is something he and his wife discuss and that she knows all about and it is ok with her. Maybe it is a fantasy or fetish for the both of them.

 

It may be something as simple as you talking to him about how it makes your wife feel and hopefully he will stop. Maybe he didn't realize you and your wife felt that way. Or maybe he is starting to express and show a side of him you hadn't seen yet and is becoming a "creepy" person that you may just want to cut ties with. I think since you are all friends and do enjoy their company, give him the benefit of the doubt and try to have a talk with him letting him know how he has made you both feel the last time you were together. You and your wife should not feel uncomfortable when trying to enjoy the company of others, whether in the lifestyle or vanilla. If you really don't care about losing them as friends then just cut ties.

[Fla-swing99 136]

Just our view on this issues. We think this meme clearly explains this issue. Again, this is just our view...

 

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Early on in our journey, we ran into a guy like that. We met, played - had a good time. Second play date, same. Then he dropped the hubby from the group text and began texting exclusively with the wife. Started cute, but in no time it ramped-up to "I want to be with you w/o hubby", etc. We cut off contact. That experience resulted in us creating our first rule - "4-way text only". Later, heard from a friend that is his thing - he has done it over and over. He wants more than the sex - he gets off on taking her from the man. Too bad - he was a good fuck.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Even though we have seen one couple for over 7 years, we STILL have a texting rule that we can only text MM, FF or MFMF. Same rule for being together...no cross MF MMF or MFF allowed. Just to keep things simple...

[kittyswinger 260]

To take a dissenting opinion, I feel many people go into swinging because they want a warm or intimate gf-like/bf-like experience, compared to paying a sex worker or an escort for sex. As a woman, I appreciate it if my play partner treats me romantically as "gf", instead of a mere a glory hole. If the couple don't show up or won't commit to your next play, that's an indicator the wife felt disrespected by his hubby in your last play. That simple. But I feel she's just jealous that she was not treated the same way by you. Only my opinion, it's just me. :-)

[Fla-swing99 136]

Even though we have seen one couple for over 7 years, we STILL have a texting rule that we can only text MM, FF or MFMF. Same rule for being together...no cross MF MMF or MFF allowed. Just to keep things simple...

 

We actually loved this response. My husband and I have had this as a long standing rule. It’s not a trust issue with each other as some may assume because we both have a tremendous amount of trust between us. It’s simply a good way to never have any misunderstandings with anyone. I always communicated with any and all females (Single or wife) we have played with or have an interest in playing with and my husband communicates with any and all men that I have played with or have an interest in playing with. This has worked very well for us for a number of years now.

[Jare1998 62]

I posted last year about our issue with our first couple but we've recently experienced this again. We met this really nice couple (unmarried but together for a few years) last year at our favorite resort. We became friends and went on a few trips with them, stayed in their home, etc. We had fun! After a couple trips with them we noticed that this couple seemed to have some relationship issues, made clear after our trip to their home. She confided in us that she thought he wasn't satisfied, and he basically said the same about her. After our last trip with them they had some serious communication issues and she ended up feeling upset that he played with me alone (although she played with my hubby alone first and had no problem with that). She never verbalized her displeasure but the tension was very uncomfortable with my hubby and I. We had discussed separate room play before and I was always ok with my guy playing with her alone but apparently they had not had the same discussion. He liked to text me a lot (we were ok with MF texting as we shared our messages with each other) but it started to get romantic. He wanted me to be his "girlfriend", to be his for the weekend and vise versa. We were not on board with this, getting a feeling that he was forming some kind of emotional attachement to me beyond what chemistry we had for playing. We had to stop seeing them because we were not about to get mixed up in that mess again. I think from now on we will stick to happily married couples who share our relationship priorities.

[njbm 2,869]

I posted last year about our issue with our first couple but we've recently experienced this again. We met this really nice couple (unmarried but together for a few years) last year at our favorite resort. We became friends and went on a few trips with them, stayed in their home, etc. We had fun! After a couple trips with them we noticed that this couple seemed to have some relationship issues, made clear after our trip to their home. She confided in us that she thought he wasn't satisfied, and he basically said the same about her. After our last trip with them they had some serious communication issues and she ended up feeling upset that he played with me alone (although she played with my hubby alone first and had no problem with that). She never verbalized her displeasure but the tension was very uncomfortable with my hubby and I. We had discussed separate room play before and I was always ok with my guy playing with her alone but apparently they had not had the same discussion. He liked to text me a lot (we were ok with MF texting as we shared our messages with each other) but it started to get romantic. He wanted me to be his "girlfriend", to be his for the weekend and vise versa. We were not on board with this, getting a feeling that he was forming some kind of emotional attachement to me beyond what chemistry we had for playing. We had to stop seeing them because we were not about to get mixed up in that mess again. I think from now on we will stick to happily married couples who share our relationship priorities.

Yes, this can be a problem. You were smart to cut ties.

[Twilighttap 168]

Life’s too short to deal with issues like that. We’d rather not have a couples play date then one thats got problems. You’re not going to change his behavior nor should he. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,387]

On 9/13/2019 at 3:24 PM, kittyswinger said:

To take a dissenting opinion, I feel many people go into swinging because they want a warm or intimate gf-like/bf-like experience...

Same.  @njbm would you feel a bit different if he was a single male? I think we would be most uncomfortable with the way his wife felt about his affection for your wife.

Like @kittyswinger pointed out, it's better for some ppl (my wife included) if there are genuine feelings of affection. I am actually ok with my wife having a deep connection with her lovers that includes affection and emotions.  It's just better for her that way. My wife's lover takes her on dates, has taken her to Vegas a few times... I'm not worried that she would want to leave me or anything bc she knows she can have it all and I don't make her choose.

But yes it makes things very awkward for that to happen in the context of couples swap.

[kittyswinger 260]

1 hour ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Same.  @njbm would you feel a bit different if he was a single male? I think we would be most uncomfortable with the way his wife felt about his affection for your wife.

Like @kittyswinger pointed out, it's better for some ppl (my wife included) if there are genuine feelings of affection. I am actually ok with my wife having a deep connection with her lovers that includes affection and emotions.  It's just better for her that way. My wife's lover takes her on dates, has taken her to Vegas a few times... I'm not worried that she would want to leave me or anything bc she knows she can have it all and I don't make her choose.

But yes it makes things very awkward for that to happen in the context of couples swap.

That would be uncomfotable. We would not want to be the cause of another cpl's misery.

 

Treating a single male or a unicorn (which I once experienced) with affection, and not a mere sex toy of a couple, is my style of doing 3some play.  It does not dehumanize anyone.

[Numex 2,412]

On 9/13/2019 at 1:24 PM, kittyswinger said:

To take a dissenting opinion, I feel many people go into swinging because they want a warm or intimate gf-like/bf-like experience, .. As a woman, I appreciate it if my play partner treats me romantically as "gf", instead of a mere a glory hole.

 

On 4/3/2023 at 9:01 AM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

it's better for some ppl (my wife included) if there are genuine feelings of affection. I am actually ok with my wife having a deep connection with her lovers that includes affection and emotions.  It's just better for her that way. My wife's lover takes her on dates, has taken her to Vegas a few times... I'm not worried that she would want to leave me or anything bc she knows she can have it all and I don't make her choose.

We are the same.  It's interesting that the final frontier in swinging isn't French kissing or bareback or anal, it is caring.  I have an intense, two-dimensional attachment with one of the women in our group - our fondness for the arts (which has taken us out of town for events) and sex.  The way I love her (and my wife and her husband know that I love her) is strictly a two dimensional thing, and that our respective spouses mean much more than that.  Our plays and concerts are something our spouses have no interest in, while the sex is something shared.  My wife's primary outside love is another couple.  Their petite vie is centered on no specific interest other than FFM sex.

 

 

Edited April 5, 2023 by Numex

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,387]

On 4/4/2023 at 11:23 PM, Numex said:

 

We are the same.  It's interesting that the final frontier in swinging isn't French kissing or bareback or anal, it is caring.

Wow. I never quite thought of it in those terms, but you're right!

[Only4Fun85 6]

Sounds like this guy is a little full of himself. Also disrespectful to his wife in front of others. Definitely a no fly zone if it were us. Personally I don’t enjoy being the lion trainer when out on dates as overly aggressive people create unnecessary stress and dampen the main point of why we’re there to party which is to have relaxed fun.

 

This is exactly why clear rules and conversation are so important. One of our rules is no kissing on the lips, face, head or neck area. Basically off limits above the breast. My wife actually imitated this particular rule. Her banner is “No lips, just dicks”

 

She is also not a fan of massages which for her, regardless of the intentions, come across as creepy.

 

To each their own.