Difficult for Newbies?

[Illusions71 19]

Just recently deleted our profile on a website after frustrating try into navigating the social aspect of meeting swingers in our area. We thought we tried to be very open with communicating what we were looking. After meeting several couples and having experiences turned down. We are left trying to figure out if we are going about it all wrong or it is really all strictly a physical attraction that is not compatible. We have been let down nicely what feels like bogus excuses from multiple people leaving it hard to figure out if we are doing something wrong or just not attractive.

 

Both of us are rather low on self confidence and also struggle with our vanilla relationships. Most of our vanillas are what I call half friends. Only friends when it's convenient for them and leave us hanging a lot when we put effort into trying to maintain friend ships. We feel lead along by our vanillas that there is a relationship there but their actions don't say the same. We have had the same experience in trying to meet people in the lifestyle which might make us more sensitive to let downs I assume. I'm beginning to think we just be caring of other people to just have sex.

[Scaredstiff 129]

We tried social meets to begin with and found they didn't really work for us, even when there was a mutual attraction after a few hours drinking in the pub somebody in the group would get overly comfortable and say or do something which put us off, we also had a lot of no shows, and that is why we started doing clubs instead, that environment works much better for us

[Illusions71 19]

If we feel brave enough for a club which I don't, we will here to travel. The local here includes the people and group we had a bad taste with

[SAMnTINA 362]

Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince or princess, not every one is compatable, just hang in there. Over the years we have met some fun people had some hot sex and ended up with some funny stories. Kind of like unwrapping a present you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you get things you did not want but find out they are still a lot of fun. Good luck and don't give up to easy. Remember it's better to be easy than give up easy!

[agreatguy 269]

We deleted online profiles after a major disappointment and realizing we were spending way too much time sorting through all the fakes and flakes. We also weren't looking for friends and are pretty much homebodies otherwise. It's not that we don't enjoy meeting people and getting to know them we just don't need to be lifelong friends with people we want to swing with. We found that we can go to our club when the mood strikes, meet and socialize with like minded people and have a good time. We can also have variety and not be tied to specific people. We like the variety a club offers whether it's another couple or a single guy. The not knowing what you're going to get is kind of exciting. Sometimes we don't get anything but each other and possibly an audience and that's fine too. We have fun.

 

Confidence is a major factor in this lifestyle. It's a turn on for us and lack of it is a turn off. If this is something you're lacking in it may be the reason you're not being as successful as you would like. If you happen to try a club make sure you aren't wallflowers, get up and mingle. Get yourselves some sexy new clothes that make you feel attractive or maybe find a club that has a theme night that would encourage you to go in costume or at least in character. Sometimes stepping outside yourself is a way to overcome a lack of confidence and it's not really lying about who you are if everyone knows it's playacting. With success will come more confidence.

 

Good luck!

[Yungmeattreat 15]

I’m brand new to all this in general. Fresh out of a. 5 year relationship and eager to experiment with chill layed back like minded couples/people, I just have no idea where to start.

 

Help!!!

[Illusions71 19]

Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince or princess, not every one is compatable, just hang in there. Over the years we have met some fun people had some hot sex and ended up with some funny stories. Kind of like unwrapping a present you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you get things you did not want but find out they are still a lot of fun. Good luck and don't give up to easy. Remember it's better to be easy than give up easy!

 

Haha thats a great tag line. I get that it can take a lot of time going to thru people. I guess I didn't know starting out it was going be so difficult dealing with different people. I never dated much myself before meeting my wife 16 years ago and now after being married for a long time this is definitely new. Not any easy as an adult that than it was for me in college.

 

Confidence is a major factor in this lifestyle. It's a turn on for us and lack of it is a turn off. If this is something you're lacking in it may be the reason you're not being as successful as you would like. If you happen to try a club make sure you aren't wallflowers, get up and mingle. Get yourselves some sexy new clothes that make you feel attractive or maybe find a club that has a theme night that would encourage you to go in costume or at least in character. Sometimes stepping outside yourself is a way to overcome a lack of confidence and it's not really lying about who you are if everyone knows it's playacting. With success will come more confidence.

 

Good luck!

 

Well my lack or confidence could be dragging us down honestly. My wife is very out going. She has had some body confidence issues but receiving a bit of attention in the beginning real shot up her confidence. I'm very reserved in a new social setting and she's the opposite.

[njbm 2,901]

The best hitters in baseball only get a hit three out of ten times. Swinging odds are similar. If you want to be involved in this hobby, you are going to see a lot of wacky behavior. Be happy that you have a good primary relationship and forge ahead!

[agreatguy 269]

Haha thats a great tag line. I get that it can take a lot of time going to thru people. I guess I didn't know starting out it was going be so difficult dealing with different people. I never dated much myself before meeting my wife 16 years ago and now after being married for a long time this is definitely new. Not any easy as an adult that than it was for me in college.

 

 

 

Well my lack or confidence could be dragging us down honestly. My wife is very out going. She has had some body confidence issues but receiving a bit of attention in the beginning real shot up her confidence. I'm very reserved in a new social setting and she's the opposite.

 

Is the lack of confidence because you don't feel like you've had as many experiences as you thought you might? njbm and SAMnTINA are both right. It's not easy. We've left our club several times without engaging with others any more than conversation. When it doesn't happen you can still enjoy each other.

 

If you lack confidence in general then that probably is dragging you down. If you're comparing yourself to others and feel like you don't measure up for whatever reason, just stop it. Sounds like you've got a good woman and a great relationship. She obviously sees something in you. Together the two of you have made it to the point of wanting to do this together. I'd say you have a lot to be proud of and a great deal to be confident in.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Just recently deleted our profile on a website after frustrating try into navigating the social aspect of meeting swingers in our area. We thought we tried to be very open with communicating what we were looking.

 

It might have something to do with what you put in your profile as to what you were looking for? The "swingers" in your area might have a very different view of "swinging" than you do or you might have given them the wrong impression.

 

There is nothing wrong with looking for what you want. You might want to try a different approach. Try going outside of "swinger" websites and try more of a social thing. Some people aren't as "vanilla" as you think.

[Illusions71 19]

It might have something to do with what you put in your profile as to what you were looking for? The "swingers" in your area might have a very different view of "swinging" than you do or you might have given them the wrong impression.

 

There is nothing wrong with looking for what you want. You might want to try a different approach. Try going outside of "swinger" websites and try more of a social thing.

 

We were trying tovconnecting with some couples based on similiar profiles as ours. In the beginning the interest into what we were looking for seemed the same but after getting turned down their reason didn't align with what they intintially said they were looking for. It got very confusion.

 

We havent given up on the lifestyle yet but not sure of our next approach after trying the profile matching.

 

 

Some people aren't as "vanilla" as you think.

 

I think your right and we definitely wonder when meeting people after meeting swingers. ?

[MS1999 38]

I really feel for you. Meeting people on swinging and dating sites is incredibly hard. My wife and I have been on a site for a few years, and would offer a couple of observations from our experience

- at least half of the 'couples' on these sites have no real intention of meeting or being with other people. They are there to socialize or are fakes. So when things don't work out with them, its not them rejecting you... they simply don't exist in the capacity you are imagining them to exist in

- energy and openness is much more important than attraction. We've been to Desire (a 5 star lifestyle resort in Mexico) a bunch of times and one of the things that really strikes me about the lifestyle is how open people are to different body shapes and appearances. There are (of course) many who place huge preference on looks, but there seems be far more who just want fun, friendly, sexy people.

- examine how you 'present yourself' . My wife is a master at this. Whenever she enters a room (vanilla or otherwise) she radiates a positive, friendly energy. As a result, people are absolutely drawn to her. Its not her looks necessarily (although she's lucky to be attractive) its the energy she puts out when she's in a room of people. You say you lack confidence... we all do to some extent. But there is training and tips to allow you to still present yourself as confident, friendly, open .. even if you are not 100% feeling that way

 

And I final point... I was intrigued by you saying that your vanilla friends feel like 'half friends'. Have you ever thought about why that is? Its trite to say (but soooo true) you need to be a good friend to have good friends. Do you show yourself to the 'there' for your friends when they need you. Do you go out of your way to do ice things for friends. Are you 100% open and honest with them. These are the things that deeper friendships are built on

[introvertswingr 55]

I feel for you. We have trouble as well. We aren't Ken/Barbie to most people, we are both a bit socially awkward/nervous, and we have an age difference which turns some people off. I don't think we have ever met up with anyone off of one of the swinger sites. Nope, lie-- we just did and it was horrible. My husband manages that side of things, and he was lamenting the other day that he has been on a site for a year and only had one meet up come out of it. We had more luck with CL before it was shut down. By luck, I mean setting up meet-ups. We only actually ever played with 1.5 couples. Saw another couple twice at vanilla outings. Single guys were easier. The clubs-- it really depends on the club. The ones by us are cliquish and not very friendly, in my opinion. If you ever get the chance to go to Freedom Acres in CA...... excellent time to be had. Even if you don't play with anyone.

 

I also relate to your comment about regular friends. My husband has a few that he does things with from work. I really don't have any. I know why many old friendships died off. New ones, it is hard, takes time, meeting people with similar interests, etc.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First off (as already pointed out) confidence is very sexy...more than looks to some people. Work together on trying to become more confident and open. Second, don't waste a bunch of time with emails or texts online. If you find a couple that you think you may be interested in, set up a meeting with them for dinner or drinks. You will learn more in 5 minutes in person than you ever will learn about them online. This also quickly eliminates the flakes and fakes. We've met a bunch of couples where one of them were 'doing this for their SO to get it out of their system' or just didn't know what their SO was even planning. While couples like that are a waste of time, most won't ever agree to even meet (and the 'bad' couples do make funny stories to tell in the future). Don't just pick couples based on the pictures. Pictures can (and sometimes will) be old or misrepresentative of who they actually are. Plus, confidence is sexy. Personality is sexy. Humor is sexy. Lots of things other than looks are sexy. We have met some drop dead looking couples in the past who had personalities of a damp dish rag or just loved themselves more than life itself (everything is all about them). No thank you, next. Don't take lack of interest as a rejection either. If there isn't a spark, there just isn't a spark and pursuing things further isn't going to change that. They are doing you a favor if they are not interested. This can be tough since sometimes you will think a couple is perfect and you both feel a spark only to find out that they aren't interested. It's not personal, move on and think of the time they saved you.

 

Finding a four way match is MUCH harder than finding your SO. You liked them and they liked you...simple. But finding another couple...you have to like both of them and they have to like both of you (4 squared instead of just 2). It's hard...but it is fantastic when you find that couple that matches up with you both. The effort is worth it when it happens. Sometimes it's good to take a break looking and come back after awhile. Putting too much effort into finding another couple can take away the effort you are putting into each other. Take your time, don't become too obsessed with looking, and just enjoy that you and your SO are even able to consider walking this path together. Very few people ever get to where this is an option. Take a deep breath and come back in a few weeks and see what you may find, or try visiting a club or house party as something different. There's not as many real frogs as you would think in the pond, but somewhere there is the perfect frogs for you. Sometimes you just have to wait until everyone is ready to hop. Good luck and let us know how things go for you.

[Illusions71 19]

First off (as already pointed out) confidence is very sexy...more than looks to some people. Work together on trying to become more confident and open. Second, don't waste a bunch of time with emails or texts online. If you find a couple that you think you may be interested in, set up a meeting with them for dinner or drinks. You will learn more in 5 minutes in person than you ever will learn about them online. This also quickly eliminates the flakes and fakes. We've met a bunch of couples where one of them were 'doing this for their SO to get it out of their system' or just didn't know what their SO was even planning. While couples like that are a waste of time, most won't ever agree to even meet (and the 'bad' couples do make funny stories to tell in the future). Don't just pick couples based on the pictures. Pictures can (and sometimes will) be old or misrepresentative of who they actually are. Plus, confidence is sexy. Personality is sexy. Humor is sexy. Lots of things other than looks are sexy. We have met some drop dead looking couples in the past who had personalities of a damp dish rag or just loved themselves more than life itself (everything is all about them). No thank you, next. Don't take lack of interest as a rejection either. If there isn't a spark, there just isn't a spark and pursuing things further isn't going to change that. They are doing you a favor if they are not interested. This can be tough since sometimes you will think a couple is perfect and you both feel a spark only to find out that they aren't interested. It's not personal, move on and think of the time they saved you.

 

Finding a four way match is MUCH harder than finding your SO. You liked them and they liked you...simple. But finding another couple...you have to like both of them and they have to like both of you (4 squared instead of just 2). It's hard...but it is fantastic when you find that couple that matches up with you both. The effort is worth it when it happens. Sometimes it's good to take a break looking and come back after awhile. Putting too much effort into finding another couple can take away the effort you are putting into each other. Take your time, don't become too obsessed with looking, and just enjoy that you and your SO are even able to consider walking this path together. Very few people ever get to where this is an option. Take a deep breath and come back in a few weeks and see what you may find, or try visiting a club or house party as something different. There's not as many real frogs as you would think in the pond, but somewhere there is the perfect frogs for you. Sometimes you just have to wait until everyone is ready to hop. Good luck and let us know how things go for you.

 

I feel for you. We have trouble as well. We aren't Ken/Barbie to most people, we are both a bit socially awkward/nervous, and we have an age difference which turns some people off. I don't think we have ever met up with anyone off of one of the swinger sites. Nope, lie-- we just did and it was horrible. My husband manages that side of things, and he was lamenting the other day that he has been on a site for a year and only had one meet up come out of it. We had more luck with CL before it was shut down. By luck, I mean setting up meet-ups. We only actually ever played with 1.5 couples. Saw another couple twice at vanilla outings. Single guys were easier. The clubs-- it really depends on the club. The ones by us are cliquish and not very friendly, in my opinion. If you ever get the chance to go to Freedom Acres in CA...... excellent time to be had. Even if you don't play with anyone.

 

I also relate to your comment about regular friends. My husband has a few that he does things with from work. I really don't have any. I know why many old friendships died off. New ones, it is hard, takes time, meeting people with similar interests, etc.

 

I really feel for you. Meeting people on swinging and dating sites is incredibly hard. My wife and I have been on a site for a few years, and would offer a couple of observations from our experience

- at least half of the 'couples' on these sites have no real intention of meeting or being with other people. They are there to socialize or are fakes. So when things don't work out with them, its not them rejecting you... they simply don't exist in the capacity you are imagining them to exist in

- energy and openness is much more important than attraction. We've been to Desire (a 5 star lifestyle resort in Mexico) a bunch of times and one of the things that really strikes me about the lifestyle is how open people are to different body shapes and appearances. There are (of course) many who place huge preference on looks, but there seems be far more who just want fun, friendly, sexy people.

- examine how you 'present yourself' . My wife is a master at this. Whenever she enters a room (vanilla or otherwise) she radiates a positive, friendly energy. As a result, people are absolutely drawn to her. Its not her looks necessarily (although she's lucky to be attractive) its the energy she puts out when she's in a room of people. You say you lack confidence... we all do to some extent. But there is training and tips to allow you to still present yourself as confident, friendly, open .. even if you are not 100% feeling that way

 

And I final point... I was intrigued by you saying that your vanilla friends feel like 'half friends'. Have you ever thought about why that is? Its trite to say (but soooo true) you need to be a good friend to have good friends. Do you show yourself to the 'there' for your friends when they need you. Do you go out of your way to do ice things for friends. Are you 100% open and honest with them. These are the things that deeper friendships are built on

 

Thank you I really appreciate the great responses. Helps to not feel alone in this new experience. Some of the people we met made it sound like they were open to continuing only talk. Some of them were also newish to the lifestyle themselves. How ever I got the impression they were just being nice and we not interested in helping navigate the community.

 

We got started when a friend brought up his brief lifestyle experience with his ex. He had continued to play with the couple solo after his divorce. Our curiosity and questions quickly turned into flirting with him. Then a soft get together and a planned mfm evening. He flaked out on the planned date and left us hanging with lots of excitement for a new experience in our sex life. We setup a profile afterwards to meet other couples. I think we came off that failed experience a little over zealous and excited. We we're probably a little too eager as newbies trying to meet other couples thru profiles.

 

Moving past that website and taking a step back has been good. We are still both definitely interested in still persuing but at a much slower pace. We have looked at a few clubs online but still a little shy about going to one not knowing what to expect. We wouldn't want to walk in and instantly jump into something we are not sure about.

[agreatguy 269]

Thank you I really appreciate the great responses. Helps to not feel alone in this new experience. Some of the people we met made it sound like they were open to continuing only talk. Some of them were also newish to the lifestyle themselves. How ever I got the impression they were just being nice and we not interested in helping navigate the community.

 

We got started when a friend brought up his brief lifestyle experience with his ex. He had continued to play with the couple solo after his divorce. Our curiosity and questions quickly turned into flirting with him. Then a soft get together and a planned mfm evening. He flaked out on the planned date and left us hanging with lots of excitement for a new experience in our sex life. We setup a profile afterwards to meet other couples. I think we came off that failed experience a little over zealous and excited. We we're probably a little too eager as newbies trying to meet other couples thru profiles.

 

Moving past that website and taking a step back has been good. We are still both definitely interested in still persuing but at a much slower pace. We have looked at a few clubs online but still a little shy about going to one not knowing what to expect. We wouldn't want to walk in and instantly jump into something we are not sure about.

 

The hardest part about going to a club is just walking through the door. Once you get inside you will find that people are nice, sincere, and honest. You don't have to do anything and you won't be expected or pressured into feeling that you have to do anything. In fact I suggest going the first time with the intentions of not doing anything except maybe just yourselves if it feels right. Just observe. What you will find is that the women are in complete control and you will quickly see that there are people there of all ages, shapes and sizes. If you are approached simply let the other couple/single know what your intentions are. The first rule in any club is No means No and it really is that simple. You just have to be able to tell anyone what your boundaries are. It can be extremely liberating for women to be in an atmosphere where they can express their sexuality without judgement or pressure.

[Illusions71 19]

The hardest part about going to a club is just walking through the door. Once you get inside you will find that people are nice, sincere, and honest. You don't have to do anything and you won't be expected or pressured into feeling that you have to do anything. In fact I suggest going the first time with the intentions of not doing anything except maybe just yourselves if it feels right. Just observe. What you will find is that the women are in complete control and you will quickly see that there are people there of all ages, shapes and sizes. If you are approached simply let the other couple/single know what your intentions are. The first rule in any club is No means No and it really is that simple. You just have to be able to tell anyone what your boundaries are. It can be extremely liberating for women to be in an atmosphere where they can express their sexuality without judgement or pressure.

 

That sounds awesome really. Just going to meet and observe with only playing with each other sounds like an exciting time to me. I also think my wife would really be into that non judgemental atmosphere.

[Sawman 84]

A lot can be accomplished online to line up availability, experience, preferences, and just general compatibility. Pics should all be g rated. One partner takes the lead in communicating online unless you can set up a group chat, etc. Then a face-to-face meet, one hour limit. No expectation of a party the first date. As posted above, lots of frogs before a prince/princess.

[introvertswingr 55]

A lot can be accomplished online to line up availability, experience, preferences, and just general compatibility. Pics should all be g rated. One partner takes the lead in communicating online unless you can set up a group chat, etc. Then a face-to-face meet, one hour limit. No expectation of a party the first date. As posted above, lots of frogs before a prince/princess.

 

Definitely agree. I am having a hard time getting the husband to agree to the "no play" on the first meeting. Partly because we have done it in the past with single males. I am no longer comfortable with it. He is stressing "be flexible". One reason I like it that way is it gives us, as a couple, the time to talk and get on the same page. Different, of course, in a club setting.

[introvertswingr 55]

That sounds awesome really. Just going to meet and observe with only playing with each other sounds like an exciting time to me. I also think my wife would really be into that non judgemental atmosphere.

 

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but something to keep in mind is that the atmosphere varies per club. Not all are nice and friendly, in my experience (though, nice and friendly are subjective terms). Particularly if you are not Ken/Barbie or are not outgoing/extroverted. People won't be overtly rude, usually. I am not 100% in agreement with the statement that "women are in complete control"-- which every club says. Maybe from the club's perspective, but you have to remember you are dealing with couples and their own dynamics. But, I encourage you to find one and try it. Like agreatguy said, you can go and just sit and observe. Hide in a corner your first time, if you want. Just get a feel for the atmosphere. Always remember each club is different....and the same club can have a different vibe depending on the crowd of the night. Just my two cents, I am a cynical over thinker.

[agreatguy 269]

Definitely agree. I am having a hard time getting the husband to agree to the "no play" on the first meeting. Partly because we have done it in the past with single males. I am no longer comfortable with it. He is stressing "be flexible". One reason I like it that way is it gives us, as a couple, the time to talk and get on the same page. Different, of course, in a club setting.

 

It doesn't have to be any different in a club setting. There is rarely an orgy going on as so many seem to think who have never been. As a matter of fact things are usually very subdued early on, frustratingly so and I'd say many of the couples will be first timers like you and won't play either. We see at least a dozen newby couples getting the tour each time we go. That's at least 15-20% of the people there. The club says it's actually higher than that. Other's are there just to watch. Just my observation is that less than half of the couples in attendance on any given night don't swap at all.

 

If you do meet a couple the first time out simply let them know you are there to observe and won't be playing with anyone other than your spouse. There are still options to have fun IF YOU WANT TO. If exhibitionism is a turn on for you they might want to watch and that can certainly be hot. Parallel play is another option. Just being on the same bed with another couple while you do what you do and they do what they do can be a huge turn on.

 

While it's ok to go with an open mind of being flexible it's also OK to say I just want to observe and want to feel like there will be no pressure to participate at all. Your husband needs to respect that and be ok with nothing happening and no expectation of anything happening. You are applying the brakes right now and he needs to understand that applying more throttle will only cause you to apply more brakes.

 

I had to agree to do this with my wife. Our first time out was intended to simply see what it was like inside. I had it drummed into me that nothing was going to happen except watch and then leave. Watch we did. Then I felt her hand on my cock. Then she was unzipping my pants. We were sitting at a bench type table so I suggested that she might want to get on her knees on the bench and give me a blow job. She smiled coyly and I knew she wanted to. I told her, and I knew this would turn her on or I wouldn't have said it, "I'm not asking you". She immediately got on her knees and blew me where everyone could see. That's all that happened in the club that night other than just watching others have sex. We went home and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

[introvertswingr 55]

Well I was trying to be fancy like I have seen others do and provide multiple quote snippets, but my caffeine must not have kicked in yet So, the easy way:

 

Agreatguy: Re: exhibitionism: YES! I used to do cam stuff and realized I am an exhibitionist. Now, it is different for me in a club (oh my gosh, the people are right there and I can see their reaction!), but I still like it.

 

Re: the throttle and brakes analogy-- LOVE THAT! I agree. He is fighting age related "my time is running out" so I am trying to be sensitive to that and speed up a bit ('tis a balancing act for sure), but you are spot on. My personality in general, if you try to force (not the right word, I am not being forced) me to do something, my authority issues/inherent stubbornness will kick in, and I'll dig my feet in like a toddler or teenager. Very mature, I know, but it is just how I am.

 

I can definitely say, that for the 2 or 3 weeks since I found this board, my mood/thoughts surrounding swinging have improved. Perhaps all I needed was a place to vent my frustrations. I definitely don't have any swinger friends (that I know of) to speak with about this.

 

Illusions: I don't mean to dissuade you from clubs-- just keep reasonable/balanced expectations. We have one club that I LOVE-- it is just in a different state We have also learned to go with the expectation that we will have fun regardless. If no one wants to play with us, that is fine. We will play with each other and enjoy the atmosphere. If they do, just a bonus. Even when people want to play and you aren't interested, it is still nice to know that the opportunity was there. We also developed a code for getting out of situations where we became uncomfortable or one of us wanted to stop.

[Out-N-About 52]

I think we're beginning find out how subjective it all is. Hubby and I decided a while back we want to play - but with certain rules. And the worlds not going to end or our relationship be any less happy if it doesnt happen. We also don't want it to be just the physical act of sex/lust with strangers, but with someone or a couple we truly like and feel some sort of connection/compatibilty with on some level. Others, however, don't seem to care as long as they get their rocks off. For us, we know this means it could take longer to find the people/person, but we're ok with that. It's our lives, so whatever happens in that area will be on our terms. Even if we only get to keep on pretending and playing with toys, that great because we love each other.

[Illusions71 19]

It doesn't have to be any different in a club setting. There is rarely an orgy going on as so many seem to think who have never been. As a matter of fact things are usually very subdued early on, frustratingly so and I'd say many of the couples will be first timers like you and won't play either. We see at least a dozen newby couples getting the tour each time we go. That's at least 15-20% of the people there. The club says it's actually higher than that. Other's are there just to watch. Just my observation is that less than half of the couples in attendance on any given night don't swap at all.

 

If you do meet a couple the first time out simply let them know you are there to observe and won't be playing with anyone other than your spouse. There are still options to have fun IF YOU WANT TO. If exhibitionism is a turn on for you they might want to watch and that can certainly be hot. Parallel play is another option. Just being on the same bed with another couple while you do what you do and they do what they do can be a huge turn on.

 

While it's ok to go with an open mind of being flexible it's also OK to say I just want to observe and want to feel like there will be no pressure to participate at all. Your husband needs to respect that and be ok with nothing happening and no expectation of anything happening. You are applying the brakes right now and he needs to understand that applying more throttle will only cause you to apply more brakes.

 

I had to agree to do this with my wife. Our first time out was intended to simply see what it was like inside. I had it drummed into me that nothing was going to happen except watch and then leave. Watch we did. Then I felt her hand on my cock. Then she was unzipping my pants. We were sitting at a bench type table so I suggested that she might want to get on her knees on the bench and give me a blow job. She smiled coyly and I knew she wanted to. I told her, and I knew this would turn her on or I wouldn't have said it, "I'm not asking you". She immediately got on her knees and blew me where everyone could see. That's all that happened in the club that night other than just watching others have sex. We went home and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

 

What you describe as a first time club experience is I think what we would both be looking for. I'm the husband here and the introvert where she's the outgoing flirtous one. I started us down this path with conversation but the more we get into it the more I am the one to control the pace.

 

Observing or flirting with people in the club I know would be enough for us to be all over each other. My wife would be the same way as you described the blowjob and I'm sure that would be fun. I really like the idea of starting off with parallel play. I really enjoy our sex life and I think there would be something definitely erotic riffing off another couples sexual energy at the same time.

[Illusions71 19]

I think we're beginning find out how subjective it all is. Hubby and I decided a while back we want to play - but with certain rules. And the worlds not going to end or our relationship be any less happy if it doesnt happen. We also don't want it to be just the physical act of sex/lust with strangers, but with someone or a couple we truly like and feel some sort of connection/compatibilty with on some level. Others, however, don't seem to care as long as they get their rocks off. For us, we know this means it could take longer to find the people/person, but we're ok with that. It's our lives, so whatever happens in that area will be on our terms. Even if we only get to keep on pretending and playing with toys, that great because we love each other.

 

This seems to be a lot like what I think we are looking for us as well with people we can have a connection with. We have found out so far that's gonna be harder to find but like you stated it's already enhanced our sex just just getting started exploring. It's made us both more comfortable with our selves.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

This seems to be a lot like what I think we are looking for us as well with people we can have a connection with. We have found out so far that's gonna be harder to find but like you stated it's already enhanced our sex just just getting started exploring. It's made us both more comfortable with our selves.

 

There are some remarkable truths in this post. Connections do matter. For some couples, that connection is purely at the level of fantasy--dress up in some costume and connect at a party while playing a role (e.g. "naughty schoolgirl"). For others--and we count ourselves in this group--the connections that matter are grounded in reality. We have to like the other couple. Perhaps more important, we have to trust the other couple. Without "like" and "trust", a connection cannot be made.

 

"Why," you ask?

 

Because the values of honesty, affection, trust, communication, and honor--values that underpin swinging--are the values that keep us close and our relationship strong. Random hookups run counter to those values.

 

Attraction will occur based on physical appearance, presentation, confidence. Durable connections require much more. The search for those durable connections outside a marriage has the desired secondary effect of illuminating and strengthening bonds inside the marriage--at least it did for us.

[Illusions71 19]

Without "like" and "trust", a connection cannot be made.

 

"Why," you ask?

 

Because the values of honesty, affection, trust, communication, and honor--values that underpin swinging--are the values that keep us close and our relationship strong. Random hookups run counter to those values.

 

 

I agree this is important for us. We value our relationship highly and work hard on maintaining it. We are interested in other couples that value the same relationship with each other. She is the dominant type A hard working business professional and stellar mom. I am a hard working husband that puts his wife and kids first before my needs. I married a dominant female and I love who she is. I'm not the type to complain about my wife. I'm more the type she's amazing and watch out shes badass lol.

 

With this in mind we really do not relate well to couples where the man is dominant and the wife lives for him. We consider our selves a team effort in our lives and telationship. So these traits I believe need to be someone similar to trust another couple if that all makes sense. Still getting a feel what all this means and what we might be looking for.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

 

With this in mind we really do not relate well to couples where the man is dominant and the wife lives for him. We consider ourselves a team effort in our lives and relationship. So these traits I believe need to be someone similar to trust another couple if that all makes sense. Still getting a feel what all this means and what we might be looking for.

 

The notion of team is critical. While role play might allow for power shifts, the couples we have met in the LS and with whom we have durable relationships are remarkably balanced with respect to voice and strength. There is an old saw to the effect that "women run the LS". That's imprecise because all parties have to be comfortable, but the idea makes it clear just how much voice women have in the LS: their 'vetoes' are absolute and non-negotiable.

 

One might reasonably argue that such balance is central to all durable relationships. Perhaps. We agree with the poster that there are many vanilla relationships where the imbalance is tolerated. Not our way. Disclosure: When we independently complete a DiSC assessment, we are both strongly "D".

[mr&mrsbees 15]

Just recently deleted our profile on a website after frustrating try into navigating the social aspect of meeting swingers in our area. We thought we tried to be very open with communicating what we were looking. After meeting several couples and having experiences turned down. We are left trying to figure out if we are going about it all wrong or it is really all strictly a physical attraction that is not compatible. We have been let down nicely what feels like bogus excuses from multiple people leaving it hard to figure out if we are doing something wrong or just not attractive.

 

Both of us are rather low on self confidence and also struggle with our vanilla relationships. Most of our vanillas are what I call half friends. Only friends when it's convenient for them and leave us hanging a lot when we put effort into trying to maintain friend ships. We feel lead along by our vanillas that there is a relationship there but their actions don't say the same. We have had the same experience in trying to meet people in the lifestyle which might make us more sensitive to let downs I assume. I'm beginning to think we just be caring of other people to just have sex.

 

Sounds like us ?