Notes on engaging the lady

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

It is a truism that the ladies run the LS. “No” indeed means no, it is non-negotiable and it is irrevocable. “No” is also the default response. Avoiding “no” and getting to “yes” requires sensitivity and skill. Some tips...

1. Speak to her, speak with her. She makes the decisions. The gentleman she is with might be her protector but he is not the decision-maker.
   
2. Charm matters. Respect matters. It may be a costume party. It may be naked in the hot tub. It may be at dinner. The setting is irrelevant. She is a lady and expects to be treated as such.
   
3. Consent matters. Ask. Do not assume. Accept the response gracefully.
   
4. Think before you speak. Ribald humor might or might not be welcome. Locker room conversation is almost never welcome.
   
5. The LS is about relationships. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. Discussing past partners is almost never appropriate.
   
6. There is one exception: your spouse/significant other. Describe her as the queen that she is. Make it clear that there is no competition, nor will you compromise your respect for her. Loyalty and love do matter—they make the LS safe for all those other fun things.
   
7. Create a private moment. Your potential playmate does not want her choices and preferences to be known except when she chooses to make them known.
   
8. If you are getting to “yes”, be sensitive that she may want to “check in” with her spouse. She is going home with him, not you.
   
9. If you get to “yes”, remember that it’s about her more than it is about you. Listen.
   
10. Make the memory wonderful. Say thank you. You might be asked back.
    

[introvertswingr 55]

I would also add, check-in throughout to verify that things are going okay and everything is still good. Consent can change, especially if you don't know if you are going to like something because you have never done it. Should the burden be on the woman to stop things and say no? Probably. Many females were raised (in the US) to preserve relationships and not make waves ("be the good girl", "don't hurt their feelings"). So, sometimes, saying no, or that you thought things would be okay but they are not, or expressing discomfort can be difficult for some women (men, too, I am sure, but this thread is about women). This can be made worse when two couples are playing, because if the woman's partner is having fun, perhaps she won't want to interrupt that. Easy enough thing to do-- check in with her to be sure all is good. I know, I know: "it interrupts the flow" (whine). Well, better than the alternatives where the woman has a bad experience. Even if you have a boundaries talk beforehand (which should happen), boundaries can change.

[Jane1902 476]

When I politely decline please don’t tell me I don’t know what I will be missing. That is a big turn off, I know myself well enough and any not now becomes not ever.

[introvertswingr 55]

When I politely decline please don’t tell me I don’t know what I will be missing. That is a big turn off, I know myself well enough and any not now becomes not ever.

 

LOL... this reminds me of a time we were in a club and playing in a "dungeon" type area. Another couple came and played, they motioned for me/us to go over. I did, but then got trapped in between a table the lady was on and her guy standing behind me (issue 1-- not a fan of confinement/lack of escape routes), the woman was rude to my husband (issue 2-- I am tend to be protective of him), the guy starting fingering me, but was going in/near ass then vagina (possibly by accident) and his hands reeked of nicotine (huge turn off for me) [issue 3-- duh], and, finally, the guy put my hand on his penis (over clothes). I felt his penis was larger than I like (I prefer small to average penis size)). So that was issue 4 and code word to my husband that it was time for us to go. The guy did not take it well. I was walking away after saying whatever I said to get out of the situation, and he was laughing to his wife saying "Ahhh, look, she is scared". Ohhhh.... that pissed me off. Took everything in me not to wheel around and give him a piece of my mind. I chose not to engage and continued walking away.

[padoc 1,703]

Well said Fundamental!!! I have always viewed the chance to be intimate with the other wife as a gift and I endeavor to treat her as exactly that, a precious gift. Further, I expect the other guy to understand that Mrs Doc's agreeing to get naked with him is also a gift and she (and I) expect her to be treated in the same way. It will quickly become apparent to her if the guy doesn't grasp the concept and if not, the party is over no matter how hot I think the other wife is.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

I would also add, check-in throughout to verify that things are going okay and everything is still good. Consent can change, especially if you don't know if you are going to like something because you have never done it.

True.Boundaries can and do change. And in either direction. And by either person.

[JandKinBoise 858]

We looked for single men. We had a lot of meetings where the guy would basically ignore her and focus on me.

I tried to do some coaching for the guys I had hope for. Unfortunately, these qualities, if not a natural part of a person's personality, can be acted. Then you may end up with a guy that is lost in the bedroom, and everywhere. Every successful mmf we had, started with a guy who had a natural way of dealing with people that made everyone comfortable. That comfort always translated to the bedroom.

Be careful with that list, best to keep some secrets.

[agreatguy 269]

I would also add, check-in throughout to verify that things are going okay and everything is still good. Consent can change, especially if you don't know if you are going to like something because you have never done it. Should the burden be on the woman to stop things and say no? Probably. Many females were raised (in the US) to preserve relationships and not make waves ("be the good girl", "don't hurt their feelings"). So, sometimes, saying no, or that you thought things would be okay but they are not, or expressing discomfort can be difficult for some women (men, too, I am sure, but this thread is about women). This can be made worse when two couples are playing, because if the woman's partner is having fun, perhaps she won't want to interrupt that. Easy enough thing to do-- check in with her to be sure all is good. I know, I know: "it interrupts the flow" (whine). Well, better than the alternatives where the woman has a bad experience. Even if you have a boundaries talk beforehand (which should happen), boundaries can change.

Excellent point and this is something we all need to keep in mind. Just because we enter a club or another couple's bedroom doesn't mean everything we know, sometimes 40+ years worth, about social interaction is discarded.

 

Checking in can be difficult. Staying connected in a 4 way situation can be demanding so while it's not for us I can see how more experienced couples go the separate room route to avoid that whole issue.

The "We Gotta Thing" Podcasters address this perfectly in their staying connected episode.

[lcmim 1,082]

It took a little time , but my wife soon learned to exercise her power in these matters. She no longer hesitates to give direction or take control if necessary. With new men we are always within earshot or more likely eyesight, so she knows I have her back. In the group we play with if someone gets out of hand and the lady makes it known the person gets unceremoniously deposited curbside by all the men that hear it.

 

This should be safer for a lady than shopping at the Jiffy Mart.

[jnrswinger 62]

When I politely decline please don’t tell me I don’t know what I will be missing. That is a big turn off, I know myself well enough and any not now becomes not ever.

 

And the correct answer is....... "And I don't want to know thank you!"

[venusshaw 123]

I don't know most of these issues because may be they happen in parties or clubs. No has always been no, and I haven't had anyone cross limits. All men I have been have been very polite and considerate. Once I told a man his size scares me and he said no problem, take the cowgirl position and take in as much or as little as you want. They always check whether I am comfortable, how hard should they go, where they can touch. No one has pushed me to suck, I do or I don't. Usually, I make the rules. At the beginning I ask will you go down on me? If he doesn't he doesn't get reciprocity from me and that is fine. Only ones who have not gone down on me are from England, and they are fine if I don;t do the same. One Iranian, once said it isn't part of his culture, I asked him to leave and he left. All these talks about misbehavior from men confuses me as that is not my experience in ten years over a hundred or more encounters.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Like you, Venus, my wife rarely had encounters that she didn't enjoy and fit what she was feeling at the moment.