Trust issues

[Newtothelifehim 15]

Hello all. Thanks for being here and hopefully shedding some advice on my issue.

 

So here it goes. My wife and I have been together for 15 years, since 16. She has never ever been unfaithful and never given me a reason not to trust her. We have a very stable and strong base. She has always tried my fantasies or likes and they have become hers.

 

Well I pitched the idea of an threesome with another guy. She was against it at first and then after doing some research she decided she wanted to try. Now we talked about it a bunch and came up with the rules (really just make sure there’s condoms and no solo play). We decided to ask someone in our circle because he’s not a sleezy guy and pretty respectful.

 

So the other night we invited him over all of us kinda knowing that’s where the night would end up. We were hanging in the garage (I have it set up with a couple couches and some chairs and a tv with gaming consoles). He was uncomfortable as this was his first time also. I turned a chair around and started gaming, kinda “ignoring” them to help ease some of the awkwardness. They were fore playing back there for quite a while. Every time I would turn around he would stop playing her, which I understood and alright with. Well it got late and I had to work the next day so I had to go to bed. I left them in the garage together.

 

Well as one could expect I couldn’t sleep so about a half hour went by and I went back out. When I walked out she was giving him oral while he was playing with her. They didn’t stop and I didn’t say anything. This pretty quickly led into him having penetration with her while she performed oral on me. Now. Let me tell you that it was the hottest thing to walk in on her doing that and then of course the sex was great.

 

The first thing I have an issue with is that I felt like an outsider and third party. I understand and put myself in the situation to make it more comfortable for him. The hope is that eventually it’s comfortable enough for all of us to play together so I can work through that. The second issue and the big issue I have is that they waited for me to go to bed to start having sex (oral). My wife said that she decided to do it in hopes that it will help break the ice and make it easier for next time. She also said she wouldn’t have had sex with him if I didn’t come out (I don’t know if that makes it any better). She says she understands she shouldn’t have without me there and won’t do it again, but at the same time she acts like it’s not a big deal and told me she just wants us to have fun, uninhibited sex and doesn’t want it to be micro managed.

 

My issue here is I have no problem with any of the sex. It was super hot to know she was getting pleasure the whole night. My issue is that they waited til I went to bed. The first time in my relationship I feel like I can’t trust her. She says she won’t do that again but I don’t know if I believe that. Now I feel like anytime he comes over if I end up passing out there gonna do it. I don’t know how to get past the trust issue. Any help please!

[Newtothelifehim 15]

I should also note that she definitely wants to do it again. I also (kinda) want to keep going in hopes that it’s get comfortable and we can have this great threesome sex everybody seems to have.

[Guest]

The key question here is what does she want to do again, him or the two of you. Was she merely moving forward on the agenda you wanted or was she soloing. I would say, you got what you wanted. You agreed to do this with someone you knew, not someone who is experienced. When they were doing whatever they were doing on the couch while you were gaming, you should have give him reassurances, permission or gotten involved in their play. To me, it was all the clumsyness of a fast time even. Embrace it, she did what you wanted her to do. Now jump in and join her in the fun.

[Newtothelifehim 15]

The key question here is what does she want to do again, him or the two of you. Was she merely moving forward on the agenda you wanted or was she soloing. I would say, you got what you wanted. You agreed to do this with someone you knew, not someone who is experienced. When they were doing whatever they were doing on the couch while you were gaming, you should have give him reassurances, permission or gotten involved in their play. To me, it was all the clumsyness of a fast time even. Embrace it, she did what you wanted her to do. Now jump in and join her in the fun.

 

I don’t know the answer to that. I’d like to say she wants to threesome again but we didn’t really threesome the first time so I’m not sure.

 

She says she did it to help relax him so maybe it would be easier next time. So I guess moving forward with the agenda. But they waited until I was asleep to do it.

 

I tried to reassure him. I smiled, nodded, thumbs up type of stuff. I knew he was inexperienced to so I knew it would be awkward, I just didn’t know I’d be cut out. And I would’ve jumped in on the play but they stopped every time I turned around. I even messaged him the next day and reassured him and told him he didn’t have to stop when I looked. He just told me that he appreciates the “ignoring” right now until he gets used to everything. My fear is if we keep doing it like this until he gets used to it, all he’s gonna get used to is sex with my wife... not a threesome.

 

I agree. There was clumsyness and I contribute that to it being a first for all of us.

 

I’m trying to get past it because your right, she did what I wanted her to do. I’m just a little scared I guess. She my world and the mother to my children so I don’t want to feel like I can’t trust her.

 

Thanks for your help. The community support is awesome.

[Jane1902 476]

By going to bed and leaving them alone you did set it up for something to happen. What did you expect? Sometimes people are not as fully prepared for fantasy to become reality.

Why not start out with both of you giving her a massage? No worrying about his getting used to it (the once was enough), you all are. I don’t think he should be starting with her alone. You have to be able to trust your wife. Your doubts could ruin a good thing. Lucky you she is willing to try YOUR fantasy. Maybe it is best left at that.

[Newtothelifehim 15]

By going to bed and leaving them alone you did set it up for something to happen. What did you expect? Sometimes people are not as fully prepared for fantasy to become reality.

Why not start out with both of you giving her a massage? No worrying about his getting used to it (the once was enough), you all are. I don’t think he should be starting with her alone. You have to be able to trust your wife. Your doubts could ruin a good thing. Lucky you she is willing to try YOUR fantasy. Maybe it is best left at that.

 

I didn’t want to demand she come to bed. I guess I just hoped she would take it upon herself to cut it off there knowing it wasn’t going to happen with me in the room.

 

If not him starting her, you think both of us should start or should I start with her and have him join in? We’re new so I guess I’m trying to work out the kinks.

 

I agree I am lucky. She’s an amazing women. Thank you for your insight.

[Jane1902 476]

Simply put you need to be clear and direct, not expect. Stand up and say “let’s call it a night.” Talk to her about how she would like to start off - with you alone or a double massage (love it). You know what she likes, take charge. Often in MFM one male is more dominant. Have a clear discussion with him about the rules. Many people suggest avoiding playing with friends. There is lots of information here for all of you to read and discuss.

[lcmim 1,082]

You left them alone. Expecting your wife to intuit your wishes is not fair.

 

Our threesomes start out the first time with myself acting the role of "good host". That means that I allow the play between the playmate and my wife to develop how it may without interference. My level of participation is determined by what happens. I am there for her support and safety first of all. She knows this and always has a good time and lets herself go with the flow between them. I AM participating. It is just not in a sexual way all of the time. Her appreciation is expressed later when we are alone.

 

The second and subsequent times my role becomes progressively more dominant until the playmate and I figure out our own particular dance in pleasing her. By the end of the second time you might be surprised how well we perceive each others signals. From the outside I think it might look like it was choreographed. (G)

 

As a side note we always choose threesome partners together. One of the criteria is whether they have the potential to be called back for repeats. (This is even before any sex play at all. She has to like the guy enough that she would accept a second date on a vanilla level.) The first time is still part of the audition to see how well her responds to her "instruction".( By this I mean does he pick up on differences in her groans. If she says to hard does he instantly try to correct. etc.)

[Numex 2,420]

He was uncomfortable as this was his first time also. I turned a chair around and started gaming, kinda “ignoring” them to help ease some of the awkwardness. They were fore playing back there for quite a while. Every time I would turn around he would stop playing her, which I understood and alright with..

I wanted to make my wife as comfortable as possible when I first brought up the idea, so once when we were talking about our past sex lives and partners (which is sometimes foreplay for us), I told her that if she wanted, she could get together with an old boyfriend who she enjoyed and I'd be fine with it. It seemed obvious to me at the time, and still does, that it would have been awkward for them if I were hovering over them while they were trying to have a good time, so I told her it was fine with me for them to get together alone. She did with him and another ex before we started having MFMs with them then doing couples swaps.

 

My point is, do whatever it is that makes it comfortable to start. Besides fucking your wife afterwards will be unbelievably exciting: her telling you about it, you feeling the cum in her, you trying to get her off again.

[Tahoecple 319]

The thing that always amazes me is how other people are never psychic. You would think they knew your wishes the instant the thought crosses your mind, the way it should be. In case you’re also not psychic, I’m being facetious.

 

You say he came over and everybody had a good idea of what was going to take place. (That’s a good start.) You also say that you turned your back on them to play a game, and damn them they didn’t throw their clothes off and start going at it right then. (hell that sounds like they were both so rude they were waiting for you to make the first move.) Then when you went to bed to give them some privacy they started doing what you invited him over to do in the first place, (I’ve never heard of anything so disrespectful.) Then after you gave them a few minutes to get into the swing of things, you came down and caught them giving oral to one another. (Just like you gave them some privacy for.) Then the shameless vixen starts giving you head while he bangs her from behind. (Just like you wanted to happen.)

 

The humanity of it all. You go to all the trouble to talk your wife into a three-some. You invite a man over to the house to fuck her, and you even give them some privacy to get started. And what do they do, they get started. (I’m sorry, but even with an imagination as vivid as mine, I can’t see what the problem is.) They followed your lead my friend. If you wanted something different you should have put your big-boy pants on and mentioned what you had in mind. And if you have any plans in continuing with this type of fun, you really need to set-down and discuss with your wife what you have in mind. If I was you I would also tell her that you didn’t have any problem with what they did. Maybe outline some future changes, but you need to take responsibility for that night.

 

If you don’t mind, allow me to suggest a thing or two. Your wife is new to this, she’s also more than a little anxious about doing something that will aggravate you. The guy you invited over is scared shitless about putting hands on your wife. Fear and apprehension aren’t conducive to sexual fun. You need to get your ass off the game and join the two of them. Start some casual petting with your wife and invite him to join in when the feeling gets right. Let her know before hand she is free to be spontaneous, so she can help him relax and enjoy what she’s offering him. Try something like, “Damn Joe, feel how wet that pussy is, I’m not sure the two of us will be able to take care of this little wildcat tonight.” This whole idea is about the three of you having fun with one another. While you all might have fantasies fulfilled, the chances are much better in that happening if those fantasies are known about beforehand.

 

If the two of you enjoyed what took place with the third wheel, and feel like doing it again, I would go for it. If not, you might explore somebody new. Either way, this is the two of you, (both you and your wife,) exploring something new. You need to do it together, and you both need to be up front about what it is you want to happen, and how you want it to happen.

 

That’s just my take and I might be wrong. After all, I was wrong that one time back in ’68. And ever since I’ve been on pins and needles thinking it might happen again.

[machiavel55 81]

I think there are a lot of things that are not said here. You hoped she would not do anything without you, basically telling you that you're more important than all this. So basically, you gave her an opportunity to try a new man without having to worry about you watching, you gave her enough rope to hang herself and she jumped on it, not what you hoped for!

Since you met at 16, I guess you've only been with each other. We're in 2019, internet full of sex, she's curious, said no at first even to save appearances and then said yes.

You said condoms and no solo play and boum!Solo play! Work on your marriage and being honest with each other, you're both far from it. If you continue this will end badly.