New here and need help

[Mici 18]

Hi, everyone. I’m new here and need advice. My husband and I are 31 with three kids and want a change in our life. We were talking about swinging and decided to try it. We went on couple of drinks with nice looking couples and they said that they would like to swing with us. And here the problem starts. My husband started to feel down saying that he has nothing to offer the other women, that he is below average down there and that he is not good looking. That what if we meet with someone and he can’t get it up.

 

I assured him that what he is saying is not true and that he is very good looking but he still feels down about it.

 

I can see that it turns him on and that he want to try it but his thoughts are blocking him.

 

How can I help him to be more confident and that he gain self-esteem?

 

Thanks.

[Mr Orange 17]

First off, hello and I have had my own reservations about first experiences in swinging. I could go out on a limb and say that many other couples/people have had concerns about there first time as well. I have found that when you are at the actual moment of swapping, that personal insecurities, ie size, body type, etc goes out the window. Especially when you are desired by another human being. I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me but, in my experience that is what happens. Please note that this is from a guys point of view.

 

I recall one experience when a couple and us were all in the same room and it was awkward for all of us. That sense of being “watched” by your SO is sometimes overwhelming. From that point forward we would split off into separate rooms. If you all are ok with separate rooms, I would try that. In my opinion that is a much less stressful situation but it does warrant rock solid trust between you and your husband.

 

Hope this helps.

[Sawman 84]

I suggest a soft swap, necking and nudity with the other couple then intercourse between spouses. This is a good way to see if you are comfortable in an intimate situation with the other couple without him feeling like he needs to deliver. Maybe the other man is similarly constructed. Maybe the other woman doesn't care and can tell your husband.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

There are two toxic emotions in swinging, and it's worth naming them and explaining them.

 

The first is ENVY. Someone else will always have better teeth, a bigger cock, a tighter pussy, perkier breasts, nicer skin, ... Envy is an expression of the fear of inadequacy. The antidote is contentment. Embracing who you are, what you are, and what you bring to lifestyle is essential.

 

The second is JEALOUSY. Jealousy is an expression of fear of loss or even abandonment, the idea that your partner might like someone else enough to cast you aside because their new partner is somehow "better". Swinging is about having fun, not "trading up". The antidote here is compersion--finding joy in seeing your partner pleasured by someone else.

 

Being able to name and to discuss these common toxic feelings is an essential first step to having fun in the lifestyle. Here is the point. Just about everyone coming into the lifestyle confronts these emotions--either before, during, or just after the first encounter. It is normal for one or both in a couple to have these concerns. Reassuring each other that it is just adult play and not a contest goes a long way towards dealing with these feelings.

 

Good luck and have fun!

[JandKinBoise 859]

As said, these are normal feelings. I would be more worried if he was on the other end of the spectrum, thinking he's all that. Best to tip toe into this rather than blast your way in. If you talk to the couple before hand, you may find their feelings are similar, unless they have some experience under the belt. Getting through the first couple experiences changes the attitude.

And, it may just be too much for him. We have had very limited experience with couples for the same reasons, plus a couple more. I am simply too anxious about size and looks (mine) to feel like I would be accepted. This isn't for everyone. If swapping is a problem, maybe try an mfm first?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Most of us have all had this 'fear'...that we are not big enough (or small enough as in weight) or attractive enough or [fill in the blank]. This is a VERY common problem for men AND women. I recommend that you go to a club just to check it out. Neither of you have to 'do' anything, just go: you won't even be expected to take any clothing off. Just go and see what everyone else is doing...it's really VERY hot (imagine live porn) and usually will lead to some hot sex when you get home.

 

The one thing you will quickly learn, however, is that there is every body and body part shape and size and they are ALL able to find people to have fun with. It really doesn't matter what you look like, how big something is, or anything else for that matter. Walking through that door will be hard (it almost always is) but you will come out feeling MUCH better about everything. Believe it or not, some women don't want a 12" dick...one size does not fit all. Not all men want a big chested 100 lb woman either...but you won't KNOW this until you go and see with your own eyes. Even if you decide not to continue down this path, you will still usually end up with the night of smoking hot sex with your wife when you get home.

 

Trust us, you won't be disappointed. We wish you luck as you move forward (and remember to report back as to how things went).

[TwoFunTexans 103]

As you get more experience you both will gain more confidence. Just tell him that if the other couples said they are willing to play then they like his looks enough to have gotten that far!

[MadlyInLuv 94]

There are a few things I've learned through our experiences:

 

1. There is so much more complexity to love and bonding than just sex. Nobody is going to toss down their long time partner just because they had great sex with someone.

2. There is so much more to attraction than the size of a penis, or the shape of breasts, etc. It's not even CLOSE to being 100% physical. We went to an adult resort in the spring where everyone was naked and the bodies were all over the place in terms of size and shape. I remember one lady (not my wife) looking at this chiseled gym rat that was exuding arrogance and she looked at me and said 'you are 1000 times more attractive than him'. I have a regular average body.

 

These feelings he is having are irrational, but they are totally real. Just reassure him of your deep connection and love for him. Do soft swap first too.

 

My wife is a stunning beauty. She is WAY out of my league and most of the people we have met in this lifestyle's league if you want to measure it strictly in that way. But when I was hospitalized a few years ago and had wracking fever chills, she lay down on top of me on the hospital bed to warm me up the best way she knew how. It was at this moment I realized the depth of her love, and when I get insecure I remember that moment and how there is NOTHING that could happen in a couple hours of physical fun with another couple that would change that.

[PSULioness 859]

The first things you have to agree about is that you both want to do this. If he is the least bit hesitant you are looking for trouble. As far as his self doubt remind him that you found him attractive and his below average size has not stopped you from enjoying the sex the two of you have. So many of us doubt our beauty. I doubt my looks, my breasts, and yes my below the waist beauty. I have learned so much recently. Do I notice a guy’s size? Yes to a point. I notice larger more than I notice smaller. I think men who think they are smaller may be self conscious in a group setting. I would never make a guy feel like he is small. I bet your husband is in the normal range. And if your husband doesn’t get hard he wouldn’t be the first. Our friends are in their 20s and 30s and even at that age guys can have a problem. Nerves play a big part of that.

[Kybird 15]

Where in Louisville is a club to go for new curious couple to just watch like suggested . We are both nervous but excited