First "fight" regarding the LS (advice)

[InsatiablePair 17]

Hello again,

 

We just posted about our first experience in that forum topic.

 

The other night we had... not a fight because we don't really do that but more of a heated exchange. So here's the story. My wife is very up and down but mostly up when it comes to being with another man in front of me. I know her and I know if I can get that first time out of the way then she'll be fine. She is very spontaneous, I am very... well not. I need a moment to wrap my head around things. So having learned this, I suggested we do a dating site. My ulterior motives were to start her talking to other guys on there starting on Weds and by Saturday she'd be so worked up that she'll say OK invite them over. Now here is the problem... I am emotionally ready in all aspects pertaining to us and her. What I am not ready for is my interaction with the guy. As I stated in our other post, I am extremely alpha. I don't want the guy to know. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up and tell you my whole devious plan. She is single on the dating site and I don't want any mention of me. When she says OK invite them over, I will do it pretending to be her and tell them. "Want to come over and have drinks with my cousin and I?" In my head I'm thinking I can interact with them but disconnect from the alpha battle between us over my woman. Eventually they end up in the bedroom doing their thing and I'm watching from the other room on a camera that we have set up in there. I want to just focus on her and how I feel about what is going on. Not on the guy. If I can disconnect from the guy then I'll be able to do this... I think??? I don't know why I'm having this emotional battle about this but I am. I feel like he's going to be fucking her and thinking "Oh yeah, he can't do his job so I'm doing it for him." Then I'm going to not focus on what I want and instead want to go in there and show him why I'm the boss. That would be devastating to our pursuit of this LS. I know I can get past this part but for our first time I don't want any interference about how it makes me feel about us and the emotions that it might bring up.

 

So now that you're up to speed, here where the problem lies. I explained this to her earlier in the evening and she knows my dominant personality and says she understands. She doesn't like it though. She wants to be able to love on me in front them and not disconnect. She wants to approach the dating site as I'm not single but my man wants to watch. Like I said, after I explained my feelings and why, she is fine with it and agrees to chat without telling them. As the night progresses she keeps pushing the issue and wanting to tell them the truth. Every time she does this, I get more frustrated. We end up in the bathroom taking a Jacuzzi while she is chatting. A girl messages her and I don't mind because she gets to tell her the truth about what we are doing, which makes her happy, which makes me happy. Then a very good looking guy messages her and she is chatting. All of a sudden he tells her he likes to watch and she loses her shit with excitement over "I can tell him the truth!" I lost it. I was fed up with her not caring about what I feel is my last emotional hang up. She says I don't want to lie to them. That sends me over the edge. In my mind, the singles are simply a toy, worthless for anything other than physical. Now when we start looking or talking to other couples, I won't feel that way about them. I don't want to deceive them at all. I'm just trying to get this first time out the way without any interference from an outside party. I feel if we can just get through this in my way a few times, it will help me get over my hangup of thinking the guy is trying to take dominance.

 

We went to bed angry but still had great role playing sex. The next day we weren't angry but not 100%. Towards the end of the day I initiated the conversation and we made up. In the heat of the moment I took away all aspects of the LS and told her we would just stop all of it. This she did not like. LOL!

 

I understand where I am wrong and admitted that to her but just like she has her things that she will not budge on, so do I. Am I not being fair? Do any of you have the same issue pertaining to the dominance struggle? Did it go away after doing this a few times and knowing what to expect? Keep in mind how we are different. She will say no no no then all of a sudden we'll be having drinks and she'll say ok, let's go to the bar and do this. I say no cause I need time to get emotionally prepared. Is she wrong for not accepting my request? I think her not wanting to have to disconnect from me is AMAZING and she made me promise that I will work on my hang up and I won't want it like this all the time. I really don't! I want to be able to hang out with the guy and have a good time with him whether I participate or just watch when it's time for business. I just feel as though we are more important for the first few times. Focusing on only her.

 

Thanks,

[Jane1902 476]

In your mind singles are simply a toy, worthless...we are human beings too. Somehow you think it is okay to lie to someone, film them without their knowledge, all the while focusing on her. Ever heard of honesty? I am not sure what the LS means to you, but this is a shit show.

[AnglEyzNSWB 21]

In your mind singles are simply a toy, worthless...we are human beings too. Somehow you think it is okay to lie to someone, film them without their knowledge, all the while focusing on her. Ever heard of honesty? I am not sure what the LS means to you, but this is a shit show.

 

I couldn’t agree more. My wife and I are total newbies. We are still working on having our first experience. However, we would never even THINK to pull what you are trying to pull. It’s dishonest, unfair to the unsuspecting partner, borderline illegal due to the filming and simply cruel.

 

The main reason my wife and I are considering the lifestyle is because it forces us to communicate, be honest with each other, and honest with whoever we would decide to eventually swap with.

 

What you are doing is WRONG. Your wife is absolutely right to tell the truth. I think you need to come to terms with your feelings of being the alpha, and truly look at yourself and whether you are truly ready to go down the path and be in the LS. Your path should be built on honor, respect, and above all, honesty. You are embarking on a path of deceit.

 

Please reconsider your path moving forward.

[padoc 1,703]

The OP couple sounds like drama on a stick! You're way too focused on the alpha male crap and you have absolutely no idea that swinging is about sharing. Until you grow up a bit, mature a lot, you two probably ought to find a new hobby.

[InsatiablePair 17]

I want to apologize for my candid nature. I do not sugar coat things very well to compensate for being people offended. There are some misunderstandings.

 

1. It is like a one night stand. I've never had a one night stand where I cared about the person.

 

2. We would NEVER do this to people in the LS!

 

3. The dating site is not a LS dating site.

 

4. We are not filming it! I'm just watching. We would never do that without permission. I didn't say anything about filming it.

 

5. We are new to this and trying to not have any bad experiences like all the ones we read on here. As part of our first experiences anyway.

 

I guess I should have explained a little better. We were just looking for the community to steer us in the right direction. I will definitely choose my words more wisely if we ever post again. We always read on here. Guidance not judgement. We are not veterans.

 

My apologies,

[rdy2go 23]

To the OP, So your selective about whom you lie to? It’s ok to lie outside of the Lifestyle cuz the rest of society is worthless to you. Lying is lying no matter how you justify it. You mention you use the camera to just “ watch”, not film it. Why not just be honest to all involved and tell them your watching? The word “DEVIOUS” was used in your plan. The word indicates to me a plan that is negative in its conception. Not a good way to start. I also think you are a manipulative “ALPHA MALE”. You tell her you should not proceed so she then has to tell you she still wants to continue on. Don’t say what you don’t mean. I think you have a lot of contemplation, both you and the wife, to figure out what your intentions are in the LS. I am a married male whose wife is very apprehensive to joining the lifestyle. I peruse the board to educate myself as to how to discuss the lifestyle with her. Will we ever ease our way into the pool? That’s yet to be seen. I thank everyone who posts for all your thoughts and ideas. I sincerely hope the OP can come to terms with his issues and the two of them really enjoy themselves in the lifestyle. For those in the LS, I’m jealous. Enough said. Y’all have a great day.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

When you are in a hole - stop digging.

[HotEllie 87]

What a train wreck.

 

Be honest, be respectful, and don't be a peeping tom. That's just creepy.

[Jane1902 476]

OP you referred to singles as “worthless toys.” That’s offensive and speaks to your mindset. It shouldn’t take sugar coating to say you are seeking a single male for a one night stand only. Your plan starts with deception, and somehow you justify your lying. You also posted another story about you and your wife going to a vanilla bar to pick up a single male for the first time and somehow ended up in a threesome with a woman you barley spoke to. I am having a hard time believing it. From what I hear unicorns are rare so it won’t likely happen again. You actually sound like a troll trying to get a reaction out of people.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

The reality of the LS is it is built on trust. To violate that is always going to get hostility from the LS

[EastInWest 1,524]

Kind of gave up hope at "alpha battle".

[agreatguy 269]

Yeah, I gave up at "ulterior motives"

[ViSexual 1,008]

If you don't like drama, and don't want any. Just be honest with folks! And if you really are the alpha type, you shouldn't be afraid to be honest.

[shy_couple 459]

This situation is fraught with morality issues for your wife (an both as a couple). Many have trouble reconciling. If your controlling pattern adds an additional layer of moral controversy that may not allow your relationship to survive.

 

Lifestyle is about honesty and strengthening a strong relationship. From the OP, it doesnt sound as if you respect or support either and this experience may be better left in fantasy land or as hot bedroom talk and not played out in your very stringent, and what sounds to be dishonest and non supportive terms.

[Judy39 145]

That's really disturbing, selfish and messed up. Admit to your wife that you can't handle it and stop giving her false hopes.

[Lvfun 19]

From one alpha male to another..u are over thinking it..I'm new at this and just like u it's all about my hot young wife..I will play if I feel like it with the other woman but no guarentee of sex..as u say its more about her for now...imo she is right..dont lie or deceive ..I have found that the experienced men in the lifestyle have seen and heard it all...its not a competition...in fact I was loving the fact that my wife had an incredible and different experience with the 2 guys she has been with so far...both were alpha males and both were cool and respectful as can be...so just enjoy the moment my man dont worry about emotional preparation life is too short...let her have fun with no stress or pressure from u...it will be worth it I promise u...