Help me feel normal about it

[ActiveRabbit 15]

Hey,

 

My and husband and I have been together for 15 years and are have a very strong bond and transparent relationship. We fell in love when we were young so we both have never kissed or have sex with any other person.

 

My husband now wants to experience how it feels to have sex with other woman. He says that he just wants us to have pleasure. He is very open minded like most of you.

 

I on other hand don't want to say no to him and as I do not want him to have regrets thar he never tried this but I am not comfortable with this. I am an extremely competitive person. I am not a very sexual person and I never had intense orgasms. The thought of him with other women makes me super upset and horny because of my competitiveness. I do not have a bit of insecurity that he might leave me but I do have questions like-

 

What if he likes it and I don't ?

What if he stops enjoy having sex with me ?

Am I not enough for you?

 

He is so calm and normal about me having sex with someone and I on other hand feel bit weird when a massage therapist massages his hips. I have to take deep breaths to feel normal when he talks about this.

 

I do not want to stop him but I do not want to cry, get angry or feel this mixup of emotions I am feeling.

 

Please advice how do we resolve this.

[EastInWest 1,524]

The thought of him with other women makes me super upset and horny

 

First: you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, make yourself upset, or try something you're not intrigued by just for the sake of getting along. You're 100% justified in saying "no" every time, all the time.

 

With that out of the way, this is an interesting sentence. Can you articulate your thoughts a little more? Why upset, and why horny?

[adamgunn 1,461]

Rabbit, once you get into it (if you do,) you shouldn't have any problems with your second and third questions: ‘What if he stops enjoy having sex with me ? Am I not enough for you?’ The reason most people, probably including your husband, get into the LifeStyle is for sexual variety. If you are in a committed relationship, there are many, much more important things than sex. You've been together for 15 years, you may have children, he's not going to throw you away simply for sex with other people. And the good thing is (if this happens,) you'll know about it, you'll have some control.

 

Now, the first question, What if he likes it and I don't ?, is much more complex.

 

The initial question I have for you is, do YOU want to do this? Is there anything in this, about being intimate with another man, that turns you on? If the answer is no, I encourage you not to go forward. Swinging is a couples sport, if you’re probably not going to get anything out of this you shouldn’t participate. That, of course, leads to what will you do about your husband? Tell him you don’t want to, then decide what to do about his needs. It’s possible that when he sees his love’s problems with this, he’ll decide he doesn’t need it that badly.

 

On the other hand, if you have some interest for your own gratification, then do two things:

1) Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it some more. Talk until both of you understand each other’s fantasies, desires and needs. (The good news is this kind of talk often leads to increased libido and a lot of sex between the two of you.)

2) Take baby steps. Perhaps go to a club without any expectation of playing with others, and see what it feels like. If that goes well, perhaps set up a soft-swap, where neither of you penetrate or are penetrated. Make sure that you both agree that at any point either of you is allowed to stop for the moment or forever.

 

As far as your jealousy goes, this is something you’ll have to work out. It’s possible that once you understand that you have zero chance of losing him as a life partner, the threat of another woman will decrease. And if you are intimate with another man, perhaps you won’t see his ‘infidelity’ as quite so serious.

 

The best of luck to you.

[ActiveRabbit 15]

First: you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, make yourself upset, or try something you're not intrigued by just for the sake of getting along. You're 100% justified in saying "no" every time, all the time.

 

With that out of the way, this is an interesting sentence. Can you articulate your thoughts a little more? Why upset, and why horny?

 

The problem is I do not want to say No to him as he never says no to me for anything I want to do with my life. I do not want him to feel that he is missing out of new things because of me. So, it seems my options are- a) Tell him he can't do this b) Let him only do this with single woman c) I also do this with him.

 

Yesterday, he donwloaded and app to find swingers near us and he asked if I am ok with that. I said do what you gotta do but then I got cold feet when we received message from someone to meet.

 

Regarding your question about why upset and horny, I get upset thinking that he will be with another woman, toughing her and doing things which till now was exclusive to us. It makes me upset that he doesn't get jealous at all. About the horny part, when he talks about having sex with another woman I get an increased libido because in that moment I just like to fuck and feel assured that he is mine only.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

These are all VERY COMMON questions that most of us had to ask when we started so you aren't feeling anything that you shouldn't be feeling. Adam said it in the above post but I think he asked things in the wrong order:

 

First question: Are you interested in trying this or not? If the answer is no, then you are done with this. Tell your husband and (if needed) send him here to read this. If you are curious about the possibility, then you need to start working on something different (see below).

 

I on other hand don't want to say no to him and as I do not want him to have regrets that he never tried this but I am not comfortable with this.

 

Sounds like you are leaning towards no here. I know you don't want him to have regrets, but will YOU have regrets if you go forward?

 

What if he likes it and I don't ?

 

Then you both talk about it and more than likely he will choose not doing it again. The only other option is he will choose to continue knowing that you object and that sounds like there are much bigger problems with the relationship to start with (I'll bet he chooses the first option).

 

What if he stops enjoy having sex with me ?

 

Usually the opposite happens, you will have MORE and hotter sex. If he stops enjoying sex with you it sounds like there are much bigger problems with the relationship to start with (I'll bet he chooses the first option).

 

Am I not enough for you?

 

More than likely, you are (or else he would just have an affair without you knowing). Think about how hard it was for him to tell you his deepest fantasy. How much he trusts you to open up like this knowing the potential cost. Very few couples ever get to the point where they can REALLY open up about anything. This is a very good sign that you have a solid relationship. I'm sure (once again) that if you asked him not to continue with this, he would. Doesn't that mean you are enough for him? This is the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae of life and love. Sure, you don't NEED them, but being able to obtain them is something very rare and precious (and hardly has any calories).

 

BELOW:

 

Welcome to the below. To be successful with swinging you need three things, you need them all and you need them in abundance: Love, trust and communication. If you have these three things, then most of the other problems and demons (jealousy, fear, etc.) sort themselves out. But you MUST make sure that all three remain open, no holding back. You have to communicate on a regular basis and be willing to tell him what you are feeling and willing to listen to what he has to say, and only then make a joint decision. If you have looked around, there are a few 'golden' rules: Swinging is a team sport, something that the two of you are doing together. Me and my SO have a rule that both of the guys can talk, both of the girls can talk or everyone talks (emails, texts). No girl/guy cross communication. This is the path to the dark side. Nothing good can happen by doing this so just don't. Second rule: If EITHER of you says no, the answer for both of you is no. No questions, no pressure, just no. Later you can talk together in private about whatever it is and you may decide that what was a no becomes a yes...or you may keep it a no, but if wither of you is feeling uncomfortable about something, just say no. Third rule: Set your rules and limits and do not violate them in the heat of the moment. You can always change a rule later, but it is much harder to regain the trust lost by violating a rule. Also, rules and limits should only be discussed in private before or after meeting another couple or single, NEVER as a side bar when you are with someone else (remember: no means no for everyone and no pressure to change that). Take your time and ENJOY this experience. If you are not enjoying it, then walk away. Swinging is not for everyone, some people...most people are just not 'wired' for it and that's okay. Do not do something where you are only doing it for your partner. Most of the time, when they find out that you were only doing it for them, they will usually be unhappy (or disappointed) because they would have rather not done it than have you feel pressured or bad or unhappy yourself.

 

Anyways, please let us know how things move forward and keep asking questions. Good luck with whatever your decision is.

[ActiveRabbit 15]

Hey,

 

Thanks for replying.

 

I think very rarely about having sex with another men, I am find going to my grave without this experience as it is not such a big deal for me as I do not want to complicate our relationship. On the other hand, he doesn't want to go to his grave without this experience. Like I mentioned above I have never had a vaginal organsm so sex is not in top priority list in my life. I like foreplay part better than sex itself. Again, I know for sure that I will enjoy kissing and making out with another man. I do not think it's worth opening the pandora box.

 

I know I have zero chances of losing him but I still can't feel normal about this. I still can't get my head around the fact he is ok with me having sex with other men. He is saying he will be happy and high five me if I come to him and tell him that I just fucked another guy.

 

If I don't agree to do this with him but allow him to do this then he might have sex with single woman which seems worse in my mind. Right now, I am thinking that I should say yes for the swap 3-4 times and then ask him to stop as I just want to get it over with it.

 

Rabbit, once you get into it (if you do,) you shouldn't have any problems with your second and third questions: ‘What if he stops enjoy having sex with me ? Am I not enough for you?’ The reason most people, probably including your husband, get into the LifeStyle is for sexual variety. If you are in a committed relationship, there are many, much more important things than sex. You've been together for 15 years, you may have children, he's not going to throw you away simply for sex with other people. And the good thing is (if this happens,) you'll know about it, you'll have some control.

 

Now, the first question, What if he likes it and I don't ?, is much more complex.

 

The initial question I have for you is, do YOU want to do this? Is there anything in this, about being intimate with another man, that turns you on? If the answer is no, I encourage you not to go forward. Swinging is a couples sport, if you’re probably not going to get anything out of this you shouldn’t participate. That, of course, leads to what will you do about your husband? Tell him you don’t want to, then decide what to do about his needs. It’s possible that when he sees his love’s problems with this, he’ll decide he doesn’t need it that badly.

 

On the other hand, if you have some interest for your own gratification, then do two things:

1) Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it some more. Talk until both of you understand each other’s fantasies, desires and needs. (The good news is this kind of talk often leads to increased libido and a lot of sex between the two of you.)

2) Take baby steps. Perhaps go to a club without any expectation of playing with others, and see what it feels like. If that goes well, perhaps set up a soft-swap, where neither of you penetrate or are penetrated. Make sure that you both agree that at any point either of you is allowed to stop for the moment or forever.

 

As far as your jealousy goes, this is something you’ll have to work out. It’s possible that once you understand that you have zero chance of losing him as a life partner, the threat of another woman will decrease. And if you are intimate with another man, perhaps you won’t see his ‘infidelity’ as quite so serious.

 

The best of luck to you.

[rdy2go 23]

Hello ActiveRabbit. I too am a man who feels like your husband. I’ve been married twice and the first when I was 21 years old. I remarried at 46 years old. I’ve only had sex with both my wives. I feel like I missed a lot of fun experiences thru my life. My present wife had a few men before her first marriage and a couple in between. I’ve tried to discuss experiencing sex with other people together. She adamantly says “NO”. She too says she definitely doesn’t want another woman to touch me,much less even look at me. She’s normally not a jealous woman. I’ve suggested adding another man to our sex life. She’s says if she did have an addition to the situation it would be another man. I’ve considered that situation and have fantasized about her fucking another guy along with me. When I suggested that we should consider getting involved in the LS and she just says “NO”. She has agreed that people can have sex without emotional attachments. Just sex for sex. We are happily married and intend to stay that way. I love her with all my heart and never want to hurt her. I would never cheat on her. Men and women are wired differently. We don’t think the same. Most men can have sex without looking at it emotionally where some women have to be invested in the relation ship before they can have sex. I feel like I missed out and can’t get those years back. I hate to say I’m envious of others,and her too, that had active sex lives with more than one or two or more partners before they married. I have many fantasies, and she tells me she never fantasizes at all. I always find that hard to believe. I can empathize with your husband. I feel his wonderment with what another pussy or mouth would feel like. I don’t want any emotional attachments with other women, just sex and pleasure. I also want that my wife. Maybe you should tell him what your scared about in having another women touch him. Communication is always a top priority in any relationship. I hope you two can work it out, even if you never get involved in the LS. Do what makes the both of you happy, not just him. If you really don’t want to share him then by all means don’t. You’ll end up just resenting him. Good luck with what ever your decision is.

[EastInWest 1,524]

The problem is I do not want to say No to him as he never says no to me for anything I want to do with my life. I do not want him to feel that he is missing out of new things because of me. So, it seems my options are- a) Tell him he can't do this b) Let him only do this with single woman c) I also do this with him.

 

I think it's very cool that you want him to have what he wants in life, just don't forget that "A" really is an option if you really aren't OK. All of what you write is perfectly normal questioning, but it's hard to see the line sometimes between "I'm not sure about this" and "I definitely hate this". Be yourself. If you know you can live with trying it and deciding you don't like it, try it. If you want to try dipping your toes into the water with softer forms of play that have clear boundaries, you can do that. If you know you can't, don't. The rest of this is just my perspective, please take it that way and not as me steering you anywhere:

 

I get upset thinking that he will be with another woman, toughing her and doing things which till now was exclusive to us.

 

Sexual variety is a very normal drive for men, and because of the way people are taught to link sex and love, it can be jarring for women to realize that sex alone doesn't mean much to men. That sex has always been something exclusive to the two of you probably makes this especially difficult to think about, but most men have a bright line between romantic love and sex. In my experience, this line only becomes clearer as we get older. One common bit of advice on this forum - and one that we stick to - is for outside communication with other couples we play with to stay between members of the same sex. I don't think any of us are worried about something getting "complicated", but it does prevent the kind of misunderstandings we might have if I started texting another wife "too often" or someone read something into a message that wasn't there.

 

(For us, this usually means the girls talk and if it's getting to be time to meet up, the guys will connect and coordinate plans.)

 

It makes me upset that he doesn't get jealous at all.

 

Do you mean that you wish he was possessive/protective of you, sexually? Understandable, but that might not mean what you're afraid that it means. I don't know him, so I can't say, but I'm guessing he'd be very jealous if he felt lied to or disrespected, and the fact that he seems to trust you to play with him is a big deal.

 

We've had to have a lot of boundaries conversations as our situation evolved, what will work and what won't, and it's important to be able to do that. You say he says he'll "high-five you" if you have sex with someone else, communicating about that and understanding why will mean a lot.

 

About the horny part, when he talks about having sex with another woman I get an increased libido because in that moment I just like to fuck and feel assured that he is mine only.

 

The technical term is "reclamation sex". It's a common thing and part of the thrill for a lot of couples. We generally have sex about twice a day, but after any kind of play or even flirtatious close calls, we're going to be spending an entire weekend in bed wearing each other out.

[Sawman 84]

Active, what EastinWest said. You have complete control and should not do anything you don't want to do. You say he just wants to experience another woman. What if you took control of the situation and found him a one-time partner. You can watch, participate, or just withdraw, but the choice and control is yours. You will be giving him a gift. She could be entirely anonymous to him with no way for him to follow up with her. She leaves forever and you two then have something concrete to discuss. Does he want more? Is he satisfied? Are either or both of you inspired inspired to explore non-monogamy further? This could be a running thing where you find and control the identity of the partners.

 

Again, nothing you don't really want to do.

 

It's also a good way to find out if either or both of you don't like it. Lots and lots of couples try non-monogamy and say no thank you. They just don't have web sites.

 

[Netflix has a series Marco Polo. The Empress presides in an elaborate process to find the Emperor concubines.]

[Jane1902 476]

Your comment of saying yes ”swap 3-4 times then asking him to stop as I just want to get it over with” to me really says this is not for you. There is lots of great advice here, but that doesn’t mean this is for you. Going forward feeling that way would more likely lead to more trouble between the two of you and would be unfair to those playing with you.

[HubbyRabbit 15]

Hi, I'm ActiveRabbit's husband and she referred to me this thread to gain some insight. I've read all your replies and I just came here to say thanks for such great comments.

 

> but most men have a bright line between romantic love and sex.

 

That's so right and it's 100% how I feel, and it got me thinking about difference between how women perceive sex which for them is so close to romance. I think that's the key point of our communication moving forward with this.

[ActiveRabbit 15]

Posted by mistake

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I am thinking that I should say yes for the swap 3-4 times and then ask him to stop as I just want to get it over with it.

 

As I said, some people are just not wired for this...you sound like you are one of them (don't worry, the majority of the world is wired this way). Going into something like this only to 'get it over with' is the WRONG (read worst) attitude to have. He's going to think 'WOW, how great that we can do this together' only to have you say no more after a couple of times...that's a mixed signal and they only lead to confusion. It's GREAT that you two are having this conversation, but I think that if he knew that you really weren't into this, he wouldn't be as interested. Getting pleasure knowing that it is in some way 'hurting' you kind of takes the fun out of it.

 

Something that women seem to have a hard time with (and men generally don't) is that love and sex are not even close to being the same. Even making love and sex are not the same...not even close. It's like basketball and potatoes: one has almost nothing to do with the other. Correct me if I'm wrong Hubbyrabbit.